Corporate Economics for Dummies

I've often admitted here that I don't understand the financial markets and the vast opportunities they give some people to get rich and others to get like me. Until recently, I thought macroeconomics had to deal with the price of pasta. I've been looking for a clear, comprehensive explanation of corporate economics so that I can gird my fiscal loins against the battering they're taking recently (my IRA took a hit of over $11,000 in the last quarter. The next hit is coming on my financial advisor).

Look no further!

Here, courtesy of one of my friends, is the best explanation of corporate economics I've ever seen. I've actually seen previous versions of this, but this one is the most clear and comprehensive. Read it carefully...it's at least as good as anything any s0-called professional economist or financial planner will give you:

Democratic: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

Republican: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

Socialist: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

Communist: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

Capitalism, American Style: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

Bureaucracy, American Style: You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pour the milk down the drain.

American Corporation: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

French Corporation: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

Japanese Corporation: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

German Corporation: You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

Italian Corporation: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around looking for them, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

Russian Corporation: You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

Taliban Corporation: You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production, and use the money to buy weapons.

Iraqi Corporation: You have two cows. They go into hiding and send audio tapes of their mooing.

Polish Corporation: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

Belgian Corporation: You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks she's French, other times she thinks she's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.

Florida Corporation: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

California Corporation: You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegals. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

And there you have it! Don't thank me, it's a public service.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo