Thursday, April 03, 2008

Standards of ... um ... Performance

Each year scientists conduct tens of thousands of studies on subjects of all kinds, which produce mountains of reports, most of which occupy pride of place on remote, dusty shelves, never to be taken down unless they're the right size to level up an uneven table leg. Many of those studies are funded by your tax dollars and examine all sorts of obscure subjects important to one congressional district or can read about many of them in "The Pig Book," which was discussed in this CNN report the other day.

But today I call your attention to this valuable study which - amazingly enough - seems not to have been funded by a Congressional earmark, and which will be of interest to men everywhere.

A survey of sex therapists, the results of which will be published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine next month, concluded that the optimal amount of time for sexual intercourse is 3 to 13 minutes. This will, of course, be welcome news to those overly excitable men who finish their sexual encounter if their partner smiles at them across the dinner table.

There are asterisks, of course...the 3 to 13 minute time span documented in the study does not count foreplay, and the surveyed therapists rated sexual intercourse that lasts from 1 to 2 minutes as "too short" (well, duh...).

Now, I'm no expert on either scientific studies or sex (at my age, I have but vague memories of the latter), but somehow I have to think it was unnecessary to spend any money on a study of the optimum time for a sexual encounter: most men, if asked, would probably say, "until I'm done;" most women would probably say, "until I'm done;" end of study, thank you very much. In any case, since the women in the study were armed with stopwatches (!), one has to imagine that the results may have been skewed by more-than-usual performance anxiety on the part of the men...the ticking of a stopwatch in the hands of ones partner could tend to be a little more off-putting than soft jazz playing in the background.

So, male readers, take heart if you are challenged in the arena of sexual's not as bad as you think! Just make sure your partner has a chance to read the study. You can even underline the good parts, and block out the part about 1 to 2 minutes being too short.

Female readers, it has been officially documented that 1 to 2 minutes is too short, and the 3 to 13 minutes doesn't include foreplay. Stand up for your rights! Or lie down, whatever.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.



KKTSews said...

Congress may not have paid for this "duh" study, but someone else did! What colleges have a graduate program in Sexual performance? Is that an MA or an MS?

John said...

How does one get to participate in one of these studies?

The Mistress of the Dark said...

Suddenly it doesn't seem worth the bother.

I'm going to enter a convent now.

Bilbo said...

Katherine: I think it's a BS.

John: Line forms to the rear.

Andrea: I don't think they're ready for you...

Amanda said...

LOL! What a strange study!

Mike said...

They kicked me out of this study because their study program could only handle minutes, not hours. Not that I'm bragging or anything.