Vacation Season

We're now well into August, which for some reason is the traditional vacation season. I've always thought August was just too hot for relaxing vacationing, but this year has been so hot that I guess it doesn't make a difference.

When we lived in Germany years ago, I had an idea for the perfect crime: since it was well-known that everyone in France goes on vacation during August (I think it's part of the Napoleonic Code), I thought I'd assemble a large crew of accomplices and rent a huge fleet of semis. We'd drive into France around August 3rd, loot the entire country, drive back out on, say, the 20th, and have the rest of the month to fence everything before all the French got home and figured out what had happened.

Voila! as they say in the land of snooty waiters.

I never got around to pulling off that perfect crime, so if you'd like to take a stab at it, go ahead. I'd settle for a small cut of the swag as a reward for giving you the idea.

But anyhow, speaking of vacations...

I enjoy traveling and seeing new things. Or old things, if you're traveling in places like Europe where old stuff is part of the charm. I prefer to go on my own for maximum non-scheduled wandering potential, but occasionally it's not a bad thing to have a tour guide...as long as you can understand their language.

Travel agencies and tour guides have a language all their own, as do real estate agents, used car salesmen, and politicians, and it pays to understand that language so that you know what you're really seeing, buying, or (in the case of the politicians) preparing to take just south of the lumbar region.

Here, for your enlightenment, is a handy guide to understanding common expressions used by travel agents and tour guides:

Old-world charm = No bath.

Tropical = Rainy.

Majestic Setting = A long way from town.

Options Galore = Nothing is included in the package you paid for.

Secluded Hideaway = You'll never find it on a map, and your GPS will give you an electronic shrug.

Pre-registered Rooms = Someone is already in yours.

Explore on Your Own = Pay for it yourself (see options galore).

Knowledgeable Hosts = The guides have read the same tourist material you have.

No Extra Fees = No extras.

Nominal Fee = Outrageous charge.

Standard = Sub-standard.

Deluxe or Luxury = Standard.

Superior = One free shower cap.

All the Amenities = Two free shower caps.

Plush = Top and bottom sheets.

Gentle Breezes = Occasional gale-force winds.

Light and Airy = No air conditioning.

Picturesque = Theme park nearby.

Open Bar = Free ice cubes (two per person).

Don't thank me ... it's all part of my ongoing efforts to help you cope with a world gone goofy.

Have a good day. Enjoy your vacation.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo