Monday, September 13, 2010

The Language of Food

You already know that I enjoy cooking (which is handy when you also enjoy eating). I have a weakness for kitchen gadgets and cookbooks, and love to try new recipes. I also enjoy cooking humor, of which there is quite a bit out there in cyberspace. For instance, here are a few cooking-related definitions which you may find interesting...

Arab Coffee - Thick, black, bitter coffee, traditionally served in tiny cups at gunpoint, or found in graduate student's offices.

Calorie - Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.

Frying Pan - The standard instrument of destruction for eggs, pancakes, and various vegetable matter. Remains may be removed from surface with diluted solution of sulfuric acid.

Macaroni and Cheese - one of the only foods all young children will eat, but only if it's the pre-packaged kind (which is made not with cheese, but with powdered processed cheese product...don't ask).

Microwave Oven - A space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.

Oven - A compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.

Preheat - To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.

Porridge - A form of thick, utterly inedible oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "Horrid," and "Sludge."

Recipe - A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in pots and pans you don't have in the correct size, using utensils you don't own, to make a dish the children won't eat.

Tongue - A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow (see Variety Meats).

Variety Meats - a creative term used by butchers to con you into buying the things that are left over after the edible parts of an animal have been extracted. The elegant German term Innereien (literally, innards) is more accurate, but not considered suitable for advertising to the average American consumer.

Yogurt - A semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are tripe and squid.

Just part of my ongoing efforts to help you understand and cope with the world around you.

And don't ask about the sweetbreads.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.



Mike said...

I had to look up sweetbread. I shouldn't have.

KathyA said...

I love to cook and eat, too. And I LOVE kitchen gadgets -- my favorite being a mandolin.
"Sweetbreads" sounds so good -- but is soooo not... Even so I had a friend who ordered them every time we went out.