Monday, April 11, 2011

The GOP Health Care Reform Plan

Congressional Republicans, whipped into a frenzy by the tea party monkey on their backs, flush with their perceived victory in the Grand Budget Fiasco of 2011, and convinced they have a "mandate from the American people," are now setting their sights on the 2012 budget. Which, the way things are now going in Congress, will not be approved until well into fiscal year 2014 anyhow.

One of the budget items which is the target of much GOP outrage is spending on health care. Now, there's no question that health care costs are utterly insane, that Real People are having a tough time getting the care they need, and medical professionals deserve to earn salaries commensurate with the life-and-death responsibilities they bear. The issue is one of figuring out how to minimize the cost of health care and the government's responsibility to help pay for it while maximizing profit for the insurance and prescription drug industries.

This is not easy.

However, Bilbo's Random Thought Collection has obtained a copy of some of the initial GOP proposals for reducing the cost of health care and, in the interest of keeping you informed of those things which have a significant impact on your life, I hereby pass them on to you for your perusal:

- Medical professionals consulted in the drafting of the plan include Dr. Who, Dr. Kevorkian, Dr. Fu Manchu, and Dr. Demento.

- Patients requiring anesthesia will be offered three choices: a shot of whiskey (bar brands only), a bullet to bite on (no larger than .22 caliber), or a Louisville Slugger to the head.

- Annual breast exams for women will be scheduled during non-peak hours at the nearest Hooters.

- Reconditioned dialysis machines previously used at Jiffy Lube are authorized for low-income patients.

- Second opinions on diagnoses reached by multiplying the the initial treatment estimate by 0.50. Insurance payments will be based on the lower number.

- Annual vision exams consist of counting the patient's number of eyes. If the number is two, the patient passes. If the number equals one, the patient's vision is considered adequate. If the number equals zero, it's a pre-existing condition not covered by insurance.

- Rectal thermometers may be sanitized by wiping them with wadded newspaper.

- The standard initial treatment is, "Take two leeches and call me in the morning."

- Expensive X-ray machines are not allowed, but each doctor is issued a pair of X-ray specs.

- Generic drugs may only be used to treat generic diseases.

- Dentists required to fill cavities with spackling compound.

- Medical imaging consists of the doctor carefully examining the patient through 3-D glasses.

- Cat Scans conducted with real cats (feral alley cats for low-income patients).

- Tongue depressors not required to eliminate all traces of Fudgesicle.

- Well-baby care consists of leaving your baby on Angelina Jolie's doorstep.

- Radiation treatment for cancer patients consists of one-way tickets (coach class) to Chernobyl or Fukushima (insurance company's option).

Good luck.

Have a good day. Stay can't afford not to. More thoughts tomorrow.



Anonymous said...

Love it. You absolutely nailed it :-)

Mike said...

Prostate exams will be done by a guy named Bubba who was recently released from prison.

Bilbo said...

fornormalstepfathers - Thanks. The Republicans give me plenty of material to work with.

Mike - Don't know how I missed that one...

Melissa B. said...

Remember...these are the same folks who tried to shut down the federal government because the Dems wouldn't stick it to Planned Parenthood. Typical.

KathyA said...

And unfortunately, this plan will not be the one our congress and senate enjoy...