Sunday, August 04, 2013

We Have a Really Big Shoe for You Today ...*

I've often wondered what it is about shoes that makes some people crazy.

There are women, for example, who can't have enough pairs of shoes, in every conceivable style and every color of the rainbow (and a few colors nature probably never intended). I have known women who would gladly go without food rather than pass up the latest pair of wonderful shoes from some famous Italian designer, and who are willing to risk permanent spinal damage and the threat of falls in order to wear extraordinarily high heels that might have passed in medieval times for instruments of torture.

Former Philippine First Lady Imelda Marcos was famous (or infamous) for her enormous collection of shoes, said to number over three thousand pairs. She, however, was quoted as saying, "I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty," which is still a pretty respectable number, given that you can only wear one pair at a time.

By the same token there are men who are, for whatever reason, enamored of women who wear shoes with stratospherically, dangerously high heels** ...

In the words of an interesting article I found the other day, "What is it about tarty shoes on a naked chick that keeps guys coming back for more?"

What, indeed?

I've never understood the fascination with high-heeled shoes. They look dangerous and uncomfortable, and their cost - in terms of amount of material used in construction - is matched only by designer bathing suits of microscopic size and astronomic price. I've never felt that they added anything to the desirability of an otherwise beautiful lady that attractive clothes wouldn't do better. They are said to make a lady's derriere twitch more alluringly as she totters along, but I've never seen it.

As it happens, I have a small amount of experience wearing shoes with heels. Back when we were dancing competitively and training hard, Agnes convinced me to buy a set of Latin dance shoes with 1.5-inch Cuban heels, which were supposed to help enhance my Latin hip motion***. While not as "high" as the three-inch heels Agnes wore for dancing, they were high enough ... I never felt like I could keep my balance or walk properly, and always had the feeling that I was ready to fall forward onto my face. It gave me a new appreciation for what ladies go through when wearing heels ... and I only ever wore them a few times before returning them to the box which, to this day, sits high on a shelf.

So, what is it with shoes, anyhow? If you're a man, you only need three pairs of shoes: brown, black, and athletic+ ... unless you need special shoes for your sport of choice: golf shoes, soccer cleats, dance shoes, hiking boots, etc. If you're a lady, you need dozens of shoes in a rainbow of colors (including 15 shades of white men cannot distinguish from each other).

I almost never notice a woman's shoes, no matter how high the heels are (or aren't). The one exception I can remember was the day our friend Nadja came to visit wearing this amazing high-heeled technicolor footwear ...

My eyes hurt for days.

So ladies, if you want to attract my attention forget the heels - wear comfortable shoes. Spend your money on nice tank tops instead. No, not these ...

these ...

They're a lot more comfortable to wear, and a lot cheaper than exotic shoes.

You're welcome.

Have a good day. Put your best comfortably-shod foot forward.

More thoughts coming.


* With apologies to the late Ed Sullivan.

** Colloquially, if crudely known as "come-f**k-me pumps."

*** It didn't work.

+ What we used to call "sneakers" before they were specialized into oblivion.


eViL pOp TaRt said...

Women have multiple pairs of shoes because the task of matching the footwear with the rest of the ensemble is much more complicated.

And, yes, some shoes are fun. It's a mild high to wear a pair of f***-me shoes, to appear more brazen than you really are. It's tamer than going without a bra.

And a pair of bright red or yellow shoes! Ahhh!

I envy your friend for her shoes.

I agree with you on superhigh heels; I've never been able to wear them with any security. And if you don't look secure in yourself, you don't look poised.

Big Sky Heidi said...

I only wear heels when I'm trying to look ultrafeminine. The bar is set lower in the non-coastal west.

Mike said...

I love women in high heels. How about some 2" platforms with 8" heels, wow!

BTW, that reminds me of a post I was going to do but never did. Maybe soon.

The Bastard King of England said...

It must be impossible to go very far while wearing high heels. Wearing them is like a milder form of fott-binding.

Mike said...

@King - Exactly. I think foot binding was the first high heel.

lacochran's evil twin said...

Oh, I'm sure there are lots of essays on how heels make women look unstable and men, thinking of them as easy prey, enjoy this. Coincidence that in all the horror movies there's the classic scene of a woman running in heels and falling just as the evil entity is bearing down? Just once, I'd like to see her take off one of those stiletto heels and use it as the proper weapon it is!

I like heels because they change the shape of my leg. Calves tighten. More elongated look--which is critical when you are 5'3".