Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Bilbo's DUMBCON Structure, Updated for the Second Time This Year

You will recall, Dear Readers, that we have been at National Stupidity Condition (DUMBCON) 0 - the highest level – since January of this year, when I was forced by the prevailing level of stupidity to change my system and raise the highest possible level from 1 to 0. Unfortunately, the level of previously unimaginable ass clownery coming from people who should know better – predominately members of Congress who are supposed to act like responsible adults – has led me to realize that even a DUMBCON level of zero is not high enough to express the current degree of national stupidity. The ass clownery to which I refer includes, of course, the literally unbelievable sight of Congress actually toying with the idea of allowing the nation to default on its debts … an act that would have worldwide economic consequences of nearly biblical proportions.

We live, sadly, in a world in which truth no longer has any meaning, and the most utterly ludicrous theories have an Internet and a news outlet* to spread and encourage them. We are surrounded by people so impervious to reason, common sense, compassion, and common humanity that they cannot accept any information that does not confirm their True Beliefs ... their clue chutes are shut, locked, bolted from the inside, welded shut, painted over, and protected by an impenetrable force field of complete and utter righteousness previously found only in the worst of religious bigots. And it's getting worse all the time.

Therefore, I have decided to revise and update the DUMBCON structure yet again to include a level of stupidity beyond the original top end of DUMBCON 0.

Ladies and Gentlemen, we are going to


Here are the new DUMBCON levels, effective immediately:

DUMBCON 5 (Code Green) - Ordinary, day-to-day level of stupidity. People actually pay attention to clueless twits like E.W. Jackson**, any Middle Eastern "religious leader," Ted Cruz, or anyone from the Tea Party; Lindsey Lohan is arrested again for something or other; people continue to listen to rap music and to give a rat's ass about anyone named Kardashian. Congress is in session.

DUMBCON 4 (Code Blue) - Things are more stupid than usual. Congressional Republicans and Democrats blame each other for the crisis du jour; Congress continues to spend money on military equipment the services don't want, but which are built in the districts of key lawmakers; foreign leaders make lengthy speeches blaming the US for everything wrong in the world back to the extinction of the dinosaurs; another al Qaeda offshoot springs up, engages in kidnapping and massacre in the name of religion, and gets 24/7 fawning air time on al-Jazeera television.

DUMBCON 3 (Code Yellow) - Things are getting pretty stupid. Congressional Republicans threaten to shut down the government if they don't get their way; mindless ass clowns continue to insist that President Obama was actually born in a stone cottage in Tierra del Fuego despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary; hard-core conservatives of the Tea Party continue to believe that all will be well if we just get rid of unions, eliminate all spending on social programs, and slash taxes on businesses and the wealthy; and Democrats continue to believe ... well ... whatever it is they believe in (they're still not sure themselves).

DUMBCON 2 (Code Magenta) - start shaking your head - it's getting really stupid out there. People continue to believe Faux News is "fair and balanced;" a lunatic massacres 20 children and six adults at an elementary school, and the NRA says the answer to gun violence is ... more guns; the EPA accepts industry threats about the economic consequences of being required to clean up toxic wastes and emissions, and dutifully waters down the latest set of proposed environmental protection standards.

DUMBCON 1 (Code Red) - Stupidity beyond your wildest dreams. Go back to bed and hide under the pillows. Businesses increase prices to cover their "increased costs," but demand their employees accept wage cuts that will prevent them from buying the products they make; Republicans in Congress actually shut down the government because they didn't get their way, then blame federal employees for the results.

DUMBCON 0 (Code Orange) - A level of stupidity far exceeding your worst nightmares. People wholeheartedly buy into ludicrous conspiracy theories that even the least-educated, most religiously hidebound person in the Middle East wouldn't accept; local sheriffs announce that they will decide on their own authority which laws are constitutional and will be enforced; and people actually believe that a Congress that can't even come close to doing its job will somehow be able to get its act enough together to rescind the Second Amendment and confiscate all the weapons from the most heavily-armed population on earth.

DUMBCON -1 (Code Black) - A level of stupidity so far exceeding your worst nightmares that all you can do is hide under the bed and pray. Ultra-conservative members of Congress sincerely believe nothing bad would happen if the government defaults on its debts; Congress, egged on by the far-right wing of the GOP, throws hundreds of thousands of government workers out without pay while forcing others to work without any guarantee that they’ll ever be paid ... and insists that the Constitution says members of Congress must continue to be paid no matter what; and the House, the Senate, and the President play the ultimate game of chicken with the livelihood of the American people and the future of their children, and replace Italian government as the poster child for dysfunctional rule.

We're at DUMBCON MINUS ONE, Dear Readers, and I'm afraid we're going to be here for a long, long time.

Have a good day, but keep your head down. More thoughts tomorrow.


* That would be Faux News.

** Brain-dead candidate for Lieutenant Governor in Virginia.


The Mistress of the Dark said...

The thing that gets me..is my favorite news sources The Daily Show and The Colbert Report are always on hiatus the weeks when the most stupid stuff is happening in the gov't

eViL pOp TaRt said...

Good addition! I don't know where this is going but I'm scared. Maybe I'll kick the monster out from under the bed and take its place!

Mike said...

I think Dumbcon sideways may becoming.

Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

We probably ought to kiss our asses goodbye. We can do so in 2014, by throwing all the bums out.

Brandi said...

Your idea has merit. Things have gotten dumber lately. I blame it on Miley Cyrus.

Insane Penguin said...

The way that people seem to act dumber seems to disprove evolution.

Big Sky Heidi said...

There may be a Law of Conservation of Dumbness.