Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Political Perfumery

There are a million different overpriced scents available nowadays for ladies to use in attracting helpless men. Some of them are known by their manufacturers, like "J'adore" from Christian Dior, or "Obsession" from Calvin Klein, and some bear the names of individual sponsoring celebrities, such as "Elizabeth Taylor's White Diamonds" or "Fantasy Britney Spears," by you-can-guess-who.

This got me to thinking about new perfumes that might be developed or existing ones that might be licensed by various political parties or special interests to advertise their candidates or highlight their particular issues. After all, the foul stench of present-day politics could certainly benefit from a little brightening, and a suitable perfume would certainly be a change of pace from tired old advertising methods like buttons, yard signs, and apocalyptic television and radio spots. Here are a few of my suggestions for political perfumes ...

"Unforgivable Woman" is currently available from Sean Jean Scent. I'm quite sure that the GOP would love to distribute this as a backhanded slap at Hillary Clinton. There's no shortage of ethically agile lawyers available to arrange an appropriate licensing agreement.

The True Religion company, makers of jeans and other articles of clothing, also produces a line of "True Religion" perfumes. Perhaps the company could license the name to the GOP to underscore the party's claim of Christian exclusivity*. It could also develop a new scent** to license to the so-called "Islamic State," one with a powerful base note of rotting flesh combined with overtones of self-righteousness and raw power.

Elizabeth Arden already produces a scent line called "Red Door," but a new perfume named "Revolving Door" could honor those members of Congress and senior federal officials who leave public service and hire on as shills for special interests. The business opportunity is almost too good to pass up.

Gucci already markets a perfume called "Envy Me," but a suitably high-priced scent targeting the 1% and called "Envy Us" would surely sell very well, and help to set the wearers apart from the Great Unwashed. And for those who might bend the rules a bit too far in their quest to enter the 1%, Gucci also makes a scent called "Guilty," available for both men and women.

Davidoff could spin off a version of it's "Cool Water" scent, targeting wealthy contributors (both male and female!) to political campaigns and special interests, and marketing it as "Cool Million." More than a scent, it could serve as a subtle reminder of the preferred donation amount.

And finally,

Lancome could market it's already-existing line of scents called "Miracle" to the economic wizards of both parties: to those on the right who believe that stacking the deck for the wealthy will solve all economic problems; and to those on the left who believe that soaking the rich to artificially spread the wealth is the answer to those same problems.

Any other suggestions for perfumes to cover up that lingering foul odor of politics? Leave a comment with your ideas.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.


* They might want to pass on the True Religion Hippie Chic Eau De Parfum Spray for Women, though, as it might not send an appropriately conservative message.

** Perhaps called "Die, Infidel" or "Absolutely the ONLY True Religion."


eViL pOp TaRt said...

How about "Eau de Poissons Morts Depuis Longtemps" that could be for the too rigid party liners.

And "Mal de TĂȘte" for those who are tired of the gridlock.

Bilbo, that was a great post! Have a sunny day!

Banana Oil said...

Eau de Cesspool.

Linda Kay said...

I can't come up with an idea for the name, but how about something about the news media as well as the politicians?

Mike said...

How about 'Trickle Down'? Straight from the toilets of the 1%.

Duckbutt said...

How about "The Odor of Sanctity" for the politicians who wrap themselves in religion.