Monday, July 29, 2024

God's Satisfaction Questionnaire


A few years ago, I published a post titled "God's Satisfaction Questionnaire." Given the rise of militant and intolerant religious belief in today's America, and the desire of many believers to impose their beliefs on the rest of us, I thought it might be time to update and republish that questionnaire for a new era ...

God's Satisfaction Questionnaire
Please Answer All Questions

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He* asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct visitation in response to comments or suggestions.

* Please note that God is all-powerful and independent of sex or sexual orientation. The pronouns "He," "His," "Him," etc, are used solely for grammatical convenience and are not intended to specify or elevate the position and authority of a particular sex.

1. How did you find out about God?
__ Bible
__ Quran
__ Torah
__ Rig Veda
__ Book of Mormon
__ Other Book (specify): _____________
__ Divine Inspiration
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Near Death Experience
__ Newspaper
__ Television
__ Word of Mouth
__ Tabloid
__ Weird Guy Screaming on Street Corner
__ Other (specify): _____________

2. Which model God did you acquire?
__ God (generic)
__ Yahweh
__ Jehova
__ Allah
__ Father, Son and Holy Ghost Triplet
__ Jesus
__ Great Spirit
__ Satan
__ Other (specify): _______________

3. Did you receive your God undamaged, with no missing attributes?
__ Yes __ No (If no, please describe any problems you initially encountered. Use a separate sheet of paper if necessary)

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God? Please check all that apply.
__ Indoctrinated by Parents
__ Wanted to Piss off Parents
__ Indoctrinated by Society
__ Needed a Reason to Live
__ Needed Focus in Who to Despise
__ Need to Feel Morally Superior to Everyone Else
__ Desperate Need for Certainty
__ Imaginary Friend Grew Up
__ Hate to Think for Myself
__ Needed a Day Away from Work
__ Fear of Death
__ Wanted to Meet Girls/Boys
__ Like Organ Music
__ My Shrubbery Caught Fire and Told Me to Do It

5. Have you ever worshipped a God before?
__ Yes __ No

6. If you answered Yes to Question 5, which God did you worship? Please check all that apply.
__ Odin
__ Zeus
__ Apollo
__ Ra
__ The Great Spirit
__ The Great Pumpkin
__ The Sun
__ The Moon
__ The Bomb
__ Cthulhu
__ The Almighty Dollar
__ Donald Trump
__ Other: ________________

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
__ None
__ Tarot
__ Lottery
__ Astrology
__ Television
__ Fortune Cookies
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics/Scientology
__ Palmistry
__ Self-Help Books
__ Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll
__ Biorythms
__ Tea Leaves
__ ESP
__ Chanting Mantras
__ Televangelist/Megachurch Pastor (specify which one)
__ Crystals
__ Human Sacrifice
__ Pyramids
__ Wandering Around a Desert
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Cash/Investments
__ Other: _______________

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
a. Disasters:
Flood 1 2 3 4 5
Pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
War 1 2 3 4 5
Famine 1 2 3 4 5
Plague 1 2 3 4 5
Earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
al Qaeda (or Similar Organization) 1 2 3 4 5
Spam 1 2 3 4 5
Congress 1 2 3 4 5
MAGA 1 2 3 4 5
American-style Political Campaign 1 2 3 4 5
Internet Outage 1 2 3 4 5

b. Miracles:
Rescues 1 2 3 4 5
Water Changing to Wine 1 2 3 4 5
Spontaneous Remissions 1 2 3 4 5
Talking, Flaming Shrubbery 1 2 3 4 5
Stars Hovering over Towns 1 2 3 4 5
Crying Statues 1 2 3 4 5
Congress Actually Doing Something Useful 1 2 3 4 5
Walking on Water 1 2 3 4 5
Donald Trump Delivering Coherent Speech 1 2 3 4 5
Consumer Devices Setting Their Own Clocks 1 2 3 4 5

9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):

Thank you for your time in completing this valuable survey to help God improve His service to you.


Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

My father always used to say:
"Half of this world is Made to eat the other half."
Mother Nature is the only true God, and she is a vicious carnivore.

Mike said...

Miracles - Nocturnal spontaneous emissions

allenwoodhaven said...

Inspired!