A few years ago, I published a post titled "God's Satisfaction Questionnaire." Given the rise of militant and intolerant religious belief in today's America, and the desire of many believers to impose their beliefs on the rest of us, I thought it might be time to update and republish that questionnaire for a new era ...
God's Satisfaction Questionnaire
Please Answer All Questions
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He* asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct visitation in response to comments or suggestions.
* Please note that God is all-powerful and independent of sex or sexual orientation. The pronouns "He," "His," "Him," etc, are used solely for grammatical convenience and are not intended to specify or elevate the position and authority of a particular sex.
1. How did you find out about God?
__ Bible__ Quran__ Torah__ Rig Veda__ Book of Mormon__ Other Book (specify): _______________ Divine Inspiration__ Burning Shrubbery__ Near Death Experience__ Newspaper__ Television__ Word of Mouth__ Tabloid
__ Weird Guy Screaming on Street Corner
__ Other (specify): _____________
2. Which model God did you acquire?
__ God (generic)
__ Yahweh__ Jehova__ Allah__ Father, Son and Holy Ghost Triplet__ Jesus__ Great Spirit__ Satan__ Other (specify): _______________
3. Did you receive your God undamaged, with no missing attributes?
__ Yes __ No (If no, please describe any problems you initially encountered. Use a separate sheet of paper if necessary)
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God? Please check all that apply.
__ Indoctrinated by Parents__ Wanted to Piss off Parents__ Indoctrinated by Society__ Needed a Reason to Live__ Needed Focus in Who to Despise__ Need to Feel Morally Superior to Everyone Else__ Desperate Need for Certainty__ Imaginary Friend Grew Up__ Hate to Think for Myself__ Needed a Day Away from Work__ Fear of Death__ Wanted to Meet Girls/Boys__ Like Organ Music__ My Shrubbery Caught Fire and Told Me to Do It
5. Have you ever worshipped a God before?
__ Yes __ No
6. If you answered Yes to Question 5, which God did you worship? Please check all that apply.
__ Odin__ Zeus__ Apollo__ Ra__ The Great Spirit__ The Great Pumpkin__ The Sun__ The Moon__ The Bomb__ Cthulhu__ The Almighty Dollar__ Donald Trump__ Other: ________________
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
__ None__ Tarot__ Lottery__ Astrology__ Television__ Fortune Cookies__ Psychic Friends Network__ Dianetics/Scientology__ Palmistry__ Self-Help Books__ Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll__ Biorythms__ Tea Leaves__ ESP__ Chanting Mantras__ Televangelist/Megachurch Pastor (specify which one)__ Crystals__ Human Sacrifice__ Pyramids__ Wandering Around a Desert__ Burning Shrubbery__ Cash/Investments__ Other: _______________
7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
a. More Divine Interventionb. Less Divine Interventionc. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
a. Disasters:
Flood 1 2 3 4 5Pestilence 1 2 3 4 5War 1 2 3 4 5Famine 1 2 3 4 5Plague 1 2 3 4 5Earthquake 1 2 3 4 5al Qaeda (or Similar Organization) 1 2 3 4 5Spam 1 2 3 4 5Congress 1 2 3 4 5MAGA 1 2 3 4 5American-style Political Campaign 1 2 3 4 5Internet Outage 1 2 3 4 5
b. Miracles:
Rescues 1 2 3 4 5Water Changing to Wine 1 2 3 4 5Spontaneous Remissions 1 2 3 4 5Talking, Flaming Shrubbery 1 2 3 4 5Stars Hovering over Towns 1 2 3 4 5Crying Statues 1 2 3 4 5Congress Actually Doing Something Useful 1 2 3 4 5Walking on Water 1 2 3 4 5Donald Trump Delivering Coherent Speech 1 2 3 4 5Consumer Devices Setting Their Own Clocks 1 2 3 4 5
9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):
Thank you for your time in completing this valuable survey to help God improve His service to you.
Have a good day. More thoughts coming.
Bilbo
3 comments:
My father always used to say:
"Half of this world is Made to eat the other half."
Mother Nature is the only true God, and she is a vicious carnivore.
Miracles - Nocturnal spontaneous emissions
Inspired!
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