Disclaimers, Updated Again

Back in October of 2016, I wrote a post about the proliferation of disclaimers, the warnings that are attached to everything you use, buy, eat, drink, or otherwise come into contact with. Their purpose, of course, is to avoid the possibility of the inevitable lawsuit by someone who took the advice, ate or drank the product, took the medicine, invested the money, suffered whiny butthurt, or whatever, and claimed compensation for some real or imagined injury.

Since that post, the number of disclaimers out there has expanded exponentially as lawyers seek new horizons for enrichment and skittish businesses seek to avoid ruinous lawsuits and the accompanying huge legal fees. I updated the list in December of last year to add some of the newer disclaimers that have arisen, and now it’s time to update it yet again. As a public service, and to keep anyone from suing me over my humble blog, here is an updated compilation of potentially-applicable disclaimers ...

Do not read this blog if you are allergic to ideas other than your own. Views expressed on this blog may be controversial and cause anxiety or discomfort. Objects may be closer than they appear. Some assembly required. Batteries not included. Ensure your heart is healthy enough for sex. See your doctor if your erection lasts more than four hours. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental*. May contain nuts. Information is provided on an "as is" basis with no guarantees of completeness, accuracy, usefulness or timeliness. Prolonged exposure may cause nausea, vomiting, dizziness, dry mouth, flu-like symptoms, gas, headache, insomnia, inappropriate feelings, itching, loss of appetite, confusion, ear pain, agitation, loss of memory, heart palpitations, sweating, tremors, fever, high blood pressure, low blood pressure, increased appetite, decreased appetite, nervousness, skin irritation, or rash. No purchase necessary to win. You must be present to win. A prize of equal or greater value may be substituted at our discretion. Not intended for use by children under 5, or by people who act like it. Use only in well-ventilated areas. Enjoy responsibly. If conditions persist, consult your physician. Do not use machinery or drive until you know how this product affects you. Call before digging. No smoking, matches, or open lights. Serving suggestion. Best by date on package. Package is sold by weight, not volume. Contents may have settled in transit. Void where prohibited. May cause irritability. Subject to change without notice. Close cover before striking. We do not make any representations regarding the use, validity, accuracy, or reliability of this product. Consult a professional advisor familiar with your personal situation for advice concerning specific matters before making decisions. Driver does not carry cash. In no event shall we be liable for any special, indirect, or consequential damages or any damages whatsoever arising from loss of use or profits, whether in an action, contract, negligence, or other tortuous action, arising out of or in connection with the use of the information/data on this site or any sites linked to this site. Other fees and charges may apply. No animals were harmed in the development of this product. Return for store credit only. Slippery when wet. Do not feed the animals. This product is meant for entertainment purposes only. Do not try this at home. Limit one per customer. Cannot be combined with other offers. May not be redeemed for cash. Do not drink directly from bottle. This message, and any attachments, is for the intended recipient(s) only, may contain information that is privileged, confidential and/or proprietary and is subject to important terms and conditions. Not applicable to prior purchases. Terms of use are subject to binding arbitration and a waiver of class action rights as detailed in the appropriate sections of this contract. You agree not to upload, post or otherwise transmit any User Content that you know to be false, misleading or inaccurate**. Investment products are not FDIC insured, are not bank guaranteed, and may lose value, including your original investment. Investing involves risk of loss. No obligation to buy. This flight may be oversold, and you may be denied boarding even if you have a valid ticket. Past performance does not guarantee future performance. If you are not the intended recipient, please delete this message. Users of this financial statement should recognize that they might reach different conclusions about the financial condition of Der Furor. The information on this site is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV. The expert spokesperson guarantees neither the accuracy nor completeness of his/her advice. Do not use this product if you are allergic to it or to any of its ingredients. You might lose some weight. Safe cannot be opened by employees***. Views expressed are those of the writer and are not necessarily those of the management. The following content has been automatically generated by an AI system and should be used for informational purposes only. Use of gendered pronouns should not be interpreted to limit meaning or applicability to other genders unless specifically noted or obvious from context. All sales are final. No foreign or digital currency accepted.

Etc ... 

Have a good day, unless otherwise prohibited by local laws and regulations. More thoughts coming, unless they aren't.

Bilbo

* Unless it's not.

** Not applicable to right-wing “news” outlets, Der Furor, or any Republican Member of Congress.

*** Thanks, Mike.