Bilbo's Random Thought Collection: Inconvenience Fees

Last weekend we had lunch with our granddaughter at a local Italian restaurant. When the bill arrived, I noticed that a convenience fee had been added to the total because I was paying with a credit card. This is a pretty common thing now, as restaurants try to recoup the amount they must pay to the services that process the credit card charges. It's annoying, but I figure that some portion of those fees the restaurants pay eventually comes back to me in the monthly cash-back benefits I enjoy.

But the larger issue is that every business has now decided that convenience fees are a nice revenue stream, to the point that they've become inconvenience fees for those of us forced to pay them ... and if you thought the Consumer Finance Protection Bureau* was going to help out with them, well, forget it ... President Musk has decided that protecting consumers is a waste of money and has shut it down.

You may recall that I established my own schedule of fees a few years ago, and last updated it in December of 2023. It looks like it's time to update it yet again, especially now that President Musk and PINO** Der Furor are likely to get rid of the Social Security and Medicare on which I largely depend for my continued existence ...

Bilbo's Updated Fee Schedule

(effective March 10, 2025)

General Guidelines: All fees are payable in advance and on the spot either in cash, by certified check, or direct bank-to-bank transfer. No personal checks, credit cards, IOUs, foreign currency (except Euros), or cryptocurrency accepted. No refunds. An additional Nuisance Charge of $15 is also assessed for each request for further explanation of any of the listed charges.

Part 1: General Fees

General Annoyance Mitigation Surcharge (GAMS) - a one-time charge of $100 to partially compensate me for the waste of my valuable time. Note: this base fee is always applied in addition to any other applicable fees and surcharges.

Stupidity Exposure Mitigation Surcharge (SEMS) - a one-time charge of $250 per annoying robocall or home visit, intended to help cover the cost of aspirin and blood pressure medication. Note: this fee is applied in addition to any other applicable fees and surcharges.

Concentration Interruption Fee (CIF) - a flat fee of $25 for each unsolicited telephone call or visit by a door-to-door solicitor which interrupts what I am doing. This is derived from the "billable hour" fee concept used by lawyers, according to which an interruption may only actually involve a minute or two of work, but is charged the full hourly rate because it interrupts the flow of their attention and allegedly requires the rest of the full hour for them to get back on track. This fee is applied in addition to any other applicable fees and surcharges.

Bullshit Filtration Surcharge (BFS) - a flat fee of $75 for every political advertisement which airs during a television show or online presentation for which I am paying (through cable or other access fees). Considering the obscene amount of money spent by political campaigns, they can afford it.

Note 1: this surcharge is applied to each individual advertisement ... that is, if two political ads air back-to-back, each is subject to the BFS.

Note 2: the BFS is applied in addition to the SEMS, GAMS, and CIF (see above), and is tripled for advertisements inserted in the middle of a video I was watching.

Note 3: the BFS also applies to advertisements for Medicare supplement insurance plans which proliferate each year in November and December. The BFS is doubled for the same ad repeated back-to-back.

Wasted Appointment Time Recovery Assessment (WATRA) - a fee charged for time spent waiting to be seen after the scheduled starting time of an appointment. Calculated as 20% of the original appointment fee for each 5 minutes past the scheduled appointment time.

Self-Checkout Effort Recovery Fee (SCERF) - 25% of my total bill charged to any store each time I am required to use the self-checkout. If I'm doing the store's work for them, why shouldn't I get paid for it?

Part 2: Religion-Related Fees

Religious Proselytization Fee (RPF) - a flat fee of $75 to compensate for the annoyance of having to get rid of door-to-door religious missionaries. The CIF also applies, as do the following additional charges, as appropriate:

Eternal Damnation Invocation Surcharge (EDIS) - an additional charge of $100 applies if the proselytizer tells me that I will burn in hell if I don't allow myself to be "saved."

Religious Contribution Solicitation Tax (RCST) - an additional charge of $500 applies if the proselytizer solicits cash donations. The charge is increased to $1000 if the proselytizer represents a megachurch whose leader lives in a mansion and has his/her own television station, fleet of luxury cars, and private jet. The BFS also applies.

Alternative Worship System Denial Fee (AWSDF) - an additional charge of $100 applies if the proselytizer insists on the sole dominance of his/her own faith and demeans or denies the worthiness of any other faith.

Part 3: Political Fees

Political Party Representative Annoyance Compensation Fee (PPRACF) - a flat fee of $100 charged to any representative of a candidate for office, in addition to the CIF, SEMS, and GAMS. If the candidate himself or herself appears, the fee can be reduced to $50 at my discretion as an incentive for being willing to meet one-on-one with the common folk. The BFS may also be added if the individual invokes debunked conspiracy theories, proven falsehoods, election denial, or Der Furor by name. The following subsidiary charges may also apply:

Election Denial Tax (EDT) - a fee of $500 for refusal to accept the validity of any election the candidate refuses to concede losing. This fee is doubled if the candidate claims in advance that an upcoming election is rigged if he or she loses.

Conspiracy Theory Embrace Fee (CTEF) - a charge of $500 for each invocation of Q-Anon or any conspiracy theory as a substitute for fact-based argument.

Der Furor Annoyance Abatement Fee (DFAAF) - a charge of $250 for each mention of the Orange Airhorn's name, regardless of context.

Opponent Castigation Surcharge (OCS) - a charge of $150 for the first instance of blaming the candidate's opponent for something without evidence, or without offering a detailed plan to address the issue. The fee increases to $200 for the second and each subsequent instance.

Political Contribution Solicitation Tax (PCST) - similar to the RCST applied above under the Religious Proselytization Fee. A charge of $1,000 is applied for the gall of requesting campaign contributions from ordinary citizens who are having their own troubles making ends meet, usually as a result of the action (or inaction) of the politician in question.

Inappropriate Millinery Choice Assessment (IMCA) - a charge of $500 for showing up at my door wearing a stupid red MAGA hat. An additional $50 will be charged for each other number or slogan embroidered on the hat.