Answers to Your "Ask Bilbo" Questions

Last Monday, lacking any better ideas for a post, I decided to dust off a topic I used back in 2011. At that time, I offered to answer any reasonable question anyone sent in, and ended up getting enough questions for two more posts.

This time, I only got four questions back ... I guess many of you were afraid of what I might say. Here are the questions and my responses:

Mike had two questions. The first was, "What would it take to get you to vote for Trump? My answer: a lobotomy*. The second was, "Should Bilbo go back to work?" The answer to that one is: only if our savings run out or if the Republicans win the election and destroy Social Security.

Goodstuff asked, "Does my blog make me look weird?" In order to answer his question, I had to check out his blog - Goodstuff's Cyber World. My answer: yes. But it's a good weird.

My friend Mary in Germany sent an e-mail in which she asked, "You're good with words. What is the Indian tourist office trying to say?" Attached to the e-mail was this jpg:

Well, Mary, all I can say is that I assume they want us to visit Varanasi**, and that Donald Trump is writing their advertising copy.

If anyone has any more "Ask Bilbo" questions, go ahead and send them in; I'll answer them as they arrive.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo 

* Angel didn't ask a question of her own, but left a comment in which she answered Mike's question with "extreme duress." 

** A city also known as Benares, located on the Ganges River in the Indian state of Uttar Pradesh. It contains more than 2,000 Hindu temples and is considered to be the spiritual capital of India.

The Return of "Ask Bilbo"

Since I am widely regarded as a fountain of useless knowledge, it seems that I ought to share it with you once in a while. Well, other than in my regular posts, of course.

Back in 2011 I tried this out with a post I titled Whatever You Want to Know. Or Not. We'll See., in which I offered to answer any question you submitted (within the bounds of propriety, of course). My readers asked enough questions that it took two posts to answer them all: here and here.

And so I thought I might circle back and try this again. It's been five years since the last time, and things have changed radically in the world. If you have a question on any topic you'd like the Fairfax County Curmudgeon at Large to answer for you*, leave a comment on this post, e-mail it to me at "der_blogmeister(at)yahoo(dot)com" with the subject line "Ask Bilbo," or send me a PM via Facebook if we're connected there. Remember that there are children who read this blog. I'll answer them when I get enough for a decent post.

Have a good day. Send in your questions, and I'll answer them for you. More thoughts than you probably ever wanted to know at that time.

Bilbo

* And if you really want to hear the answer ...

Ask Bilbo: The Answers, Part 2

Welcome to the second installment of the answers to "Ask Bilbo!" Yesterday I answered the questions posed by Brandi, Meredith, Heidi, and Linda Kay. Today, we turn to our final four respondents ...

5. Gonzo Dave asked: "What's your opinion on Congressional term limits?"

I used to believe that Congressional term limits weren't necessary because the voters would throw the bums out when they'd worn out their electoral welcome, but I don't think that any more. Voters are lazy and keep voting for the incumbent as long as he (or she) hasn't been convicted of a major felony, and the enormous amounts of money pumped into campaigns by special interests keeps the "right" people coming back election after election. The Constitution limits the President to two terms ... I think we should also put a two-term limit in place for our members of Congress to keep them fresh and honest. Or as honest as they're ever likely to get.

6. Elvis asked two questions:

a. Do you think the Washington Redskins should change their mascot? How about the Boston Red Sox?

Given the number of burning issues we need to address in this country, the name of the Washington Redskins is a small and silly one except to the people who care about it above all else. Go ahead and change the name; not all of our problems have such an easy fix. But good luck getting everyone to agree on a new name. As for the Boston Red Sox, they can change, too ... I suggest changing to "Rainbow Sox" as a nod to the LGBT community.

b. Should large states like California and Texas subdivide into smaller ones?

Heavens, no!! Texans are enough of a pain in the ass with one state, much less two. And there's no need to subdivide California - before long the Big One will hit and half the state will slide into the Pacific and solve the problem.

7. Angel asked three questions:

a. Do you think that we need a third political party?

If the two political parties we already have don't grow up and learn to cooperatively govern, yes. A solid centrist party, appealing to people in the range between conservative Democrats and liberal Republicans, would be a good alternative to the stable of drooling horse's asses we have now. Of course, the monied special interests would never let it happen, but it's a nice fantasy*.

b. Is wearing crop tops and bikinis appropriate for women above age 25?

It depends upon the woman. There are some women under the age of 25 who have no business being seen in public in crop tops or bikinis, and other women in their 40s and 50s who can look smashing in them. It all depends on the lady and her body, and she should be smart enough to choose styles of clothing that flatter her. Wearing a crop top or a bikini because she thinks it makes her look younger and more attractive doesn't always work out ... and can seriously backfire**. And by the way, the same could be said for men who try to wear speedos and muscle shirts regardless of their build, thinking it makes them look studly. Anyone who's been to a beach or a public pool knows how well that works out for a lot of men.

c. Do you think that the quarantine measures being taken regarding Ebola are necessary or an overreaction?

Ebola is a terrible disease that definitely requires serious prophylactic measures including selective quarantines. But I also think that because ebola is so terrifying, because the news media has done such an irresponsible job of reporting the true danger, and because it's a convenient club for the GOP to use to beat the administration in an election year, many of the measures being taken - including imposing ill-targeted quarantines and calls for flight bans from specific countries - are an overreaction driven more by fear and politics than by medical necessity.

8. Peggy also asked multiple questions:

a. Do you think Virginia will split into North and South as the southern part of the state wishes?

No. I think the two parts of the commonwealth need each other and will grit their teeth and stay together. But if they did decide to split and things got edgy, it might be interesting to see how we'd go about recruiting the new Army of Northern Virginia from the crowds of yuppies sipping lattes at Starbucks or hanging out at the local malls.

b. Do you think that we will survive the political ads and ugliness that is going to be starting soon?

What do you mean, starting soon? At least here in NoVa, the ugliness has been with us for weeks. Will we survive? We've survived all the other ugly elections, so I guess we'll survive this one, too. It's just a shame we have to think of elections in terms of survival.

And there you are ... the second installment of "Ask Bilbo." I hope you enjoyed the answers you received as much as I enjoyed coming up with them for you. If not, well, I'll be glad to respond to your "Ask (Your Name Here)."

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Especially when compared to some of the other fantasies I might ... or might not ... have.

** As you know if you've ever spent any time in a Wal-Mart.

Ask Bilbo: The Answers, Part 1

Well, butter my buns and call me a biscuit!

The last time I tried the "Ask Bilbo" theme, it took a few days to get enough questions to run a post with the answers. As of right now, I have questions from eight of my Dear Readers (several with multiple questions). There are a lot of you out there who are starved for information!

So, what I'm going to do is respond in two separate posts: the first half today, and the rest tomorrow. If there are any more, we'll get to them later. Here we go ...

1. Meredith asked: "Do you think Andrew Cuomo should run for president?"

Based on what I know about him, I think he should probably run. He's certainly no worse than any other possible candidates, and in some ways I think he may be better. Most of what I know, I read on his official Governor of New York website, and on the source-of-all-knowledge Wikipedia page.

2. Big Sky Heidi asked: "What foreign language do you think it is especially beneficial to learn?"

I think it depends on what you want to do and where you want to travel. Spanish is the obvious choice for 21st century America ... after all, there are a lot of places in the US of A nowadays where English is close to being a second language, and Spanish is widely spoken in Central and South America. If you are more interested in international affairs or business, Mandarin Chinese may be a better choice. China is an up-and-coming world power, and a knowledge of Chinese may be increasingly important in the coming years. French is still useful, as it is spoken in much of the world, and remains a key language of diplomacy and culture, but it's less important than the French would like to believe. As much as I love German, I have to say that it's a somewhat less useful language nowadays.

3. Brandi asked: "Do you approve of boob jobs?"

It's not really my place to approve or disapprove. In general, I don't think they're necessarily a good idea, particularly if it's done simply to please a partner who thinks boob size is the most important measure of a lady. It is fairly serious surgery, after all. But ultimately it's the lady's decision, and if it makes her feel good, then she should go ahead and do it.

4. Linda Kay asked: "In reference to Brandi's question, is a face lift appropriate for someone who is 76? Have a friend going for one."

My comment to Meredith still applies. I think face lifts are fine for people who can afford them and want to maintain a youthful appearance, but they generally aren't necessary and just reflect a desire to ignore the fact that we all tend to get older. If it makes the person feel better, go ahead and do it. For myself, I subscribe to the philosophy laid out by the German entertainer Harald Juhnke in his song titled "Keine Falte tut mir leid" ("No Wrinkle Bothers Me"):

"Ich sag dir keine Falte tut mir leid,
Ich bin ein Mann mit viel Vergangenheit"

"I tell you, no wrinkle bothers me -
I'm a man with a lot of past."

I am, indeed, a fellow with a lot of past. And looking to the future, tomorrow I'll answer the questions from Angel and Gonzo Dave, More thoughts then ... be here!

Bilbo

Ask Bilbo

With all of the problems and issues going on in the world, and an election coming up next week in which all we know about the candidates is how bad each one says the other is, don't you wish you had a real source of information on which you could rely? Someone you could ask the tough questions and get straight (or at least, less crooked) answers?

Your wait is over!

A few months have gone by since the last time we tried this (you can read the last one here), so let's give it another go ... it's time to

Ask Bilbo!

Yes, Dear Readers - now's your chance. Leave a comment and ask any question (within the bounds of good taste, of course ... children read this blog), and the Fairfax County Curmudgeon-at-Large will answer it for you. You can also e-mail your questions to der(underscore)blogmeister(at)yahoo(dot)com if you want a personal answer or you'd rather not advertise to all the other readers. As soon as I get enough questions to make a full post, I'll answer them, so submit yours today!

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

"Ask Bilbo" Returns!

In last Friday's post, I announced the return of "Ask Bilbo," the occasional feature in which I offer to answer your pressing questions*. I have done this three times before: in October and November of last year (Part 1 and Part 2), and in August of 2011, and it seemed like a good time to try it again.

As of this morning, five of you have sent in questions, and so here we go ...

Q (Angel): "What TV programs do you watch? Do you watch sports, comedies, dramas, news programs?"

A: I don't watch a lot of TV, but my favorite current shows are NCIS, Castle, Sherlock, Elementary, and Dancing with the Stars (when it's in season). I also like Game of Thrones, but am watching it on DVDs because we don't get HBO. Agnes and I are watching a new series on the SyFy network called Helix, which is interesting in a weird and paranoid sort of way. In general, I like dramas and comedies, can't stand Law and Order: SVU and Criminal Minds (both of which Agnes likes), never watch sports, and think most news shows are a waste of time, particularly on Fox (if you can think of it as "news").

Q (Duckbutt): "What sort of fiction do you read?"

A: I prefer nonfiction, but enjoy a lot of fiction as well. I like science fiction, historical fiction, suspense, and thrillers, but will read just about anything that catches my eye. Right now, I'm reading A Dance with Dragons, the last of the published volumes of George R.R. Martin's "Song of Ice and Fire" series (on which the "Game of Thrones" TV series is based). Some of my favorite authors are Carl Hiaasen (hysterically funny stories of bizarre people and events in Florida); Rennie Airth (his novels featuring English detective inspector John Madden are wonderful); Carlos Ruiz Zafon (The Shadow of the Wind, Marina, and others); John Dunning (his "Bookman" series is great, as is the wonderful World War II mystery Two O'Clock Eastern Wartime); and Harry Turtledove (who writes superb alternate history novels, especially The Guns of the South and The Man with the Iron Heart). I also recommend Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle's novels based on Dante's Divine Comedy: Inferno and Escape from Hell. Oh, and for gritty historical fiction, I very much enjoy the works of Bernard Cornwell. I could go on**, but that's enough for now. Got anything to recommend?

Q (Allenwoodhaven): "How often do you read comments, particularly for older posts?"

A: I read all comments on every post, although I don't always have time to respond to them. I don't often go back and read comments on older posts unless I'm going to refer to a particular post and want to know what the reactions to it were before. If you really want a response to a particular comment, send me an e-mail at der_blogmeister(at)yahoo(dot)com.

Q (Grand Crapaud): "Where do you find those great cartoons for Cartoon Saturday?"

A: I get asked this question a lot. I find new cartoons every day in various places on the Internet, Facebook, and sites like azcentral.com. I also scan cartoons I find in newspapers and magazines that aren't available digitally, and many are e-mailed to me by friends who spot them and think I'd like them (I accept all contributions at my e-mail address given above). I have an enormous collection of cartoons, many of them arranged by topic (which is how I'm able easily to pull together cartoons on a particular subject).

Q (Clarissa): "Do you foresee a third party being viable?"

A: This is a question The Bastard King of England asked in one of my previous "Ask Bilbo" posts. Here's what I said at that time, which I think is still true: "No. The two major political parties in America are so entrenched and so well-funded that the chances of a third party being successful are remote in the extreme. The most likely candidate for a new third party is probably a hyper-conservative group growing out of the extreme right wing of the GOP, but while it will be extremely loyal and vocal, it will be too extreme for the vast majority of Americans and would be crushed in a national election except in the most gerrymandered of districts."

So, there you are - your questions answered by the Sage of Springfield. Got any more? Leave a comment or send me an e-mail ... if I get enough, we'll do this again.

Have a good day, and enjoy the rest of your weekend. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* About topics other than ironing, too, ha-ha.

** You have NO idea ...

A Team By Any Other Name, Part II ... and "Ask Bilbo" Returns

Yesterday's post, in which I trolled for suggestions for a new team name for the Washington Redskins, set a near record for comments. I got 11 on the post itself, and four on my Facebook page. Here's a recap of the suggestions:

Angel suggested "Clowns" or "Hookers."

Duckbutt offered "Inerts" or "Big Spenders."

Peggy will take anything but the current name.

Arizona Dave suggested "Beltway."

KathyA said that the name most often called out at games is "WTF."

Anemone wants the name of any majestic bird, such as "Eagles" (already taken), "Hawks," or "Kestrels."

Mike suggested "Yellow Bellies," with the idea that I could profit from all the sap-sucking at games.

Elvis likes "Sentinels" (after the fictional team from the movie The Replacements).

Allenwoodhaven suggested "Disenfranchised" (in honor of DC's lack of voting representation in Congress).

The Bastard King of England offered "Dodos" (probably not the majestic bird Anemone had in mind).

Heidi likes "Remoras" (because the team sucks). This one was my favorite.

Bob offered "Whooping Cranes" (also probably not one of those majestic birds).

Buggie suggested the "Can Twins" (say it quickly); and,

Rob offered "Filibusters."

Wow! Quite a response. Thank you all for your suggestions, none of which has a prayer of being adopted by the hapless Redskins. But it's nice to dream, isn't it?

But that was yesterday, and this is today. Today we turn to a new topic ... actually, to an old topic: we bring back your opportunity to ask the burning questions that are on your mind.

Last October, I ran a post titled Getting Your Answer Straight from the Horse's ... uh ... Never Mind, in which I offered you to ask me a question on any topic. The guidelines, as I wrote them at that time, are these:

"Ask Bilbo a question, and I'll answer it. I, of course, reserve the right to be selective in my choice of questions to answer (not everyone wants to know my underwear size, for example), but I will take on any question and answer it for you. It can be personal, philosophical, about current events, or whatever. Just remember Bilbo's Second Law: don't ask the question if you don't want to hear the answer."

You're up, Dear Readers: what do you want to know? Send your questions as a comment on this post, e-mail them to der(underscore)blogmeister(at)yahoo(dot)com, or - if you're on Facebook - send me a PM or leave a comment on the link. Depending on how many responses I receive, I'll start answering them on Sunday.

In the meantime, stay warm and be sure to come back tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

Getting Your Answer Straight from the Horse's ... uh ... Never Mind

This is another one of those mornings on which I have lots to do before I leave for work to do lots more. This, of course, truncates my time available to generate the witty, entertaining, and insightful blog post you've come to expect*, and so I'll have to go to Plan B ... otherwise known as, "post any old thing and at least somebody will read it."

No, not really. I think that I'm going to turn it over to you.

Here's your challenge, Dear Readers: ask Bilbo a question, and I'll answer it. I, of course, reserve the right to be selective in my choice of questions to answer (not everyone wants to know my underwear size, for example), but I will take on any question and answer it for you. It can be personal, philosophical, about current events**, or whatever. Just remember Bilbo's Second Law***: don't ask the question if you don't want to hear the answer.

Leave your question here in the form of a comment, or e-mail it to der(underscore)blogmeister(at)yahoo(dot)com. I will answer them in the order in which they are received.

Here's your chance. Use it wisely. It's not every day you get to tap directly into the accumulated wisdom of your favorite Curmudgeon-at-Large.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Silly you.

** Either AC or DC, it doesn't matter.

*** Bilbo's First Law is, of course, "Don't let anyone else do your thinking for you."

Ask Bilbo, Part 2

Because there are always a few people who don't get the original memo, we have a few more questions that have come in from those who want to tap Bilbo's Font 'o Useless Knowledge. Here are the latest submissions:

Amanda asked:

Q: Is Agnes your only dance partner and do you ever get into arguments over the dancing? I'm asking this because I'd love to get Richard dancing but I'm afraid I might end up strangling him.

A: No, we both dance with other people as well. Dancing is, after all, a social skill. Dancing with other people helps the man improve his leading skills, and keeps a couple from learning to compensate for each other's mistakes. I would also tell you that it's a great opportunity to get my hands on a lot of different ladies without getting slapped. Or strangled. Most of the time.

A2: Do we ever get into arguments over the dancing? Is a bear Catholic? Does the Pope sleep in the woods? Of course we do! That's why I took lessons from someone else, even though Agnes is a trained and certified teacher. Over the years, I've grown used to getting the eye rolls and puzzled looks that mean what are you trying to do? I must say, though, that neither of us has ever stormed off the dance floor and spent the rest of the evening glaring sourly, like some couples we've observed over the years.

From eViL pOp TaRt:

Q: What effect do you think the U.S. S & P rating being downgraded from AAA to AA+ will have on the incomes of edcysiasts and bikini baristas?

A: (after realizing she really meant ecdysiasts): I believe the S&P rating downgrade will not have a significant effect on this population. Because both have their assets on display for inspection at all times, they do not require the intervention of a "professional" rating agency to assist in their evaluation. The real impact will be seen in the quantity of tips each receives, which is linked to the S&P rating only in the sense that the rating downgrade may result in a reduction of observers' income and, thus, the amount of disposable cash available for pecuniary expression of appreciation.

Duckbutt wanted to know...

Q: Do you know why Baptists are so down on people making love while standing?

A: I suspect it's because everyone has to stand for something, and they've decided to stand for something other than making love. This, of course, will result in a decrease in the number of Baptists in the long term, but that's their problem.

Finally, although it wasn't really a question, my old friend Dave pointed out that at the current exchange rate, the $7.56 left in my retirement account after the latest market disaster will be worth exactly 5.12 euros, which is just about enough for a bus ride downtown and back. I think I may need to take up a new hobby to finance my retirement ... I considered thievery and large-scale embezzlement, but Congress has a lock on those. Bummer.

Any other questions? Just ask Bilbo. I'm always ready to help.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Whatever You Want to Know. Or Not. We'll See.

What you really want to know is whether or not Congress will extract its head from its posterior, quit firing cheap shots at the political opposition, and do something to fix the economy before we get overtaken by economic powerhouses like Burkina Faso. What you're going to get is more of the same.

But then, that's why you visit good old Uncle Bilbo ... to learn interesting and useful things. Or, at least, things that can help take your mind off all the scary stuff out there.

For this reason ... and because I'm suffering from creative constipation this morning ... let's roll out a topic I haven't used for a few years: Ask Bilbo.

Yes, Dear Readers, this is your opportunity to ask Bilbo anything you want. I will answer all questions that don't involve allegations of past intimate relationships with small animals, my shameful past as a Republican, or my true opinion of S&P, Congress, and the financial mismanagement industry (there are, after all, children who read this blog).

Post your question in the comments, or send an e-mail to bilbo_the_blogger(at)yahoo(dot)com. If I get enough questions, I'll answer them tomorrow. If not, I'll do something else. Whatever.

Operators are standing by ...

Have a good day. Answers to your questions tomorrow.

Bilbo