Dog's Eye View

Hi, there! It's me again, Clara, Bilbo and Agnes's granddog.

If it looks like I'm a little tired, it's because I am. I'm having a hard time being an upbeat, friendly (but fiercely protective) dog when a lot of you humans are acting like such idiots.

I mean, really.

I've had to wear the Cone of Shame several times, for days at a time, and you're griping about having to wear a simple cloth mask to go grocery shopping? Give me a break!

And I think a lot of you would benefit from earning a certificate from a good obedience school. For pete's sake, you've got doctors who have spent their entire lives studying diseases. When they tell you you should do something to protect yourself and others, you probably ought to listen to them instead of pitching hissy fits in stores and bitching about how it's your god-given Constitutional right to ignore professional advice and put other people in danger.

And how on earth can you take this Der Furor person (that's not really his name, but Bilbo refuses to say it out loud) seriously? Believe me, if that person were a dog, nobody would be calling him a good boy. I hear some of you say stupid things like, "I don't like what he says, but I like what he does" ... that's sort of like saying you don't like how much your dog barks, but at least he doesn't poop on the carpet.

So, yes, I'm tired. I love Bilbo and his whole family, and like any good dog I would lay down my life to protect them. Some of you, on the other hand, I'd cross the street against heavy traffic to bite.

You're supposed to be the top life form on the planet. Act like it.

That's all for now. Wash your paws, wear your masks, and start acting like you appreciate and care about each other as much as we dogs care about you.

Woof.

Clara

Guest Post

Huh? What? Oh, hey! I didn't hear you come in ... I was just catching a little nap so I have plenty of energy to let everybody know when the mailman and garbage man and the UPS and FedEx guys and door-to-door religious flacks get here. Busted!

Oh, well ... I'm Clara, Bilbo and Agnes's granddog. I post here once in a while when Bilbo's away or runs out of good ideas, and I just realized that it's been almost a year since I last posted anything! I guess I'd better get moving, eh?

I don't want to say anything about your silly politics thing this time*. I'll just say that, like all dogs, I have a really good sense of smell. And I can tell you that lately, things don't smell very good. 'Nuff said, as Bilbo would say.

I want to talk about this dumb weather we've been having. Just the other day, the temperature was almost 70 degrees as you guys measure it ... it was what we dogs would call pretty comfortable. But now, it's snowing. A lot.

I'm a pit bull, and we have very short hair. For you humans, that's a good thing, because we don't shed in your houses. For us, though, it means that in the winter we get really cold. How would you like to have to go outside and squat your bare backside over a few inches of wet snow to do your business? I'm here to tell you it's not fun.

And that stupid snow makes it harder to do my duty of protecting Bilbo's daughter and her family. I mean, I'm loyal and I'll do what it takes, even if it means chasing some bad guy through the cold, wet snow ... but if I have to do that, then he is going to be really, really sorry.

So, I'm ready for Spring. And for Fall. Summer around here is too hot, and Winter is too cold and unpredictable. Maybe instead of believing in stupid stuff and arguing with each other, you humans can work on something worthwhile, like trying to fix this climate change thing Bilbo is always complaining about.

Have a good day. Bilbo will be back tomorrow. 'Til then, woof!

Clara

* Lucy the Cat covered all that in her last post. For a stupid cat, she's pretty perceptive.

Guest Post

Hey, there! It's me again, Clara - Bilbo and Agnes's granddog ...

I just realized that I haven't posted anything since October of last year! I mean, it's not my fault that it's been so long ... I can't always get to the computer, and I don't want to post unless I have something worthwhile to say, so I don't post very often. I don't want to waste your time.

But I'm ready now ... Bilbo's out grocery shopping, and the computer is available. Here we go ...

I'm really amazed that you humans waste so much time harping on politics instead of working together to make things better. It's no wonder you can't get anything done. You spend so much time arguing about who's liberal and who's conservative (or conservative enough or a RINO*) and who loves the country more and why everyone who doesn't think like you do are crazy and all that stuff. You guys are nuts.

Now, we dogs are basically conservative. We're suspicious of change, because we like things to be nice and orderly, and to know what to expect from day to day. We approach change cautiously ... we take plenty of time to carefully sniff out new things before we decide if they're okay or not. But we're also kind of liberal, because we know that sometimes change works in our favor (dog food gets better all the time, and it's more fun to chase drones than old-fashioned frisbees). We're wary of changes, like I said, but one we've sniffed around enough to make a good decision, we make it and stick with it until it's time to sniff out something else. You humans do a lot of sniffing, then just keep on fighting against good ideas, just because the wrong person brought them up.

We're not good at playing political games like you humans do. We're loyal, and we'll protect you and your children from danger and won't turn on you for some silly reason, like that Trump person. If we like you, we're behind you all the way. If not, well, that's when we growl and bite.

Cats, of course, are neither liberal nor conservative ... they're clearly libertarians: they depend on you, but are completely convinced of their own independence and superiority. They're very political and very calculating and insist on having everything their own way. They're the Freedom Caucus of the animal world. A cat will throw you under the bus in an instant if someone else fires up the can opener before you do.

I'm not sure when you humans are going to get your act together, but it doesn't look like it will happen any time soon. Don't make us have to come over there and bite you.

That's all for now. The garbage collectors will be here any minute, and I need to make sure they know I'm on guard.

Bilbo will be back tomorrow with his own post. Until then, woof!

Clara

* I think it means "Republican in Name Only" and it's supposed to be an insult. Bilbo says there aren't any actual Republicans any more, anyhow.

Guest Post

Hey, there! It's me - Clara - Bilbo and Agnes's granddog.

It's been a while since I was able to post anything ... it's hard when you don't have a computer of your own, and it's even harder to type with paws. I think the last time was a few months ago, when I told you what I think about this election thing that's gotten all you humans into such a lather. You might want to read that post again ... I think we dogs have a lot more sense than you do.

But even though I'd like to bite that Trump person, I have to admit that he has at least one idea I could live with - let's build that wall! Let's keep out all the cats and squirrels and mailmen and door-to-door religion salesmen! It would certainly make my life better ... my time can be much better spent sleeping in the sun and playing with the children and keeping them safe. Who would pay for that wall, you ask? Well, everybody knows the squirrels have lots of nuts hidden away. And have you ever seen some of the fancy houses those religion salesmen live in? They can afford to pay for some walls to protect the rest of us! And the cats ... you know what cats are like. They're quiet and sneaky, and lots of people are saying they steal homes and food and toys from hard-working dogs like us. Keep 'em out, I say - build the wall!

I'm Clara, and I approved this message. 

Have a good day. Bilbo will be back tomorrow with more Great Moments in Editing. Until then, Woof!

Clara

Guest Post

Hey, there! It's me again, Clara, Bilbo and Agnes's granddog.

It's been a while since I've had a chance to post, mostly because I'm a little hyper and they try to keep me away from anything breakable or edible, which includes the computer*. And so it'll take me a while to type this, because I'm out of practice and I have to be quiet so Bilbo doesn't know what I'm doing. Help me out, okay ... don't blow the whistle 'til I'm done. 

I've been listening to Bilbo and his friends talk about something called an election. I'm not quite sure what it is, but I think it's how you humans decide who will be the alpha dog in your pack. Like our system, yours seems to involve a lot of butt-sniffing, followed by a lot of snarling and snapping.

Unlike our system, though, once we settle on our alpha dog, everything stays peaceful until the time comes to pick a new one, and we just focus on playing and barking at delivery people and reproducing and all the other things dogs do. You guys snarl and snap at your alpha dog all the time, and get mad when he tries to do the things you picked him to do. What's up with that?

I think it has to do with something called politics. I'm not sure what a politics is, but I think it's the rules on how you pick the alpha dog to take over your Big Pack**, and what you let him do once he*** takes over. If the alpha dog that won the contest belongs to your own pack, you'll mostly be happy and follow his lead. But people who belong to a different pack, the people whose dog didn't win, just keep snarling and snapping and trying to keep the new alpha dog from doing anything worthwhile.

I'm just a dog, but I think this is pretty stupid. If your packs just fight with each other - even after you've picked a new alpha dog - how do you get anything done? From what Bilbo says, it looks like you don't get anything done, because a lot of you believe it's more important for your own pack to win than it is to cooperate with other packs to make things better for everyone.

From what I can tell, the two humans who most want to be your alpha dog are called Trump and Clinton^†. It looks like all Trump wants to do is bite everybody, even the members of his own pack. Trust me ... nobody wants a dog that does nothing but bite^††. And a lot of you seem to think that Clinton is a bad dog who ought to be locked up in the pound.

All I can say is that I'm glad I'm a dog and don't have to worry about elections and politics and Trumps and Clintons. Bilbo is my alpha dog and he likes me, even when I do things he doesn't like ... like head-butt him in the crotch when he comes to visit, or try to lick his face all the time.

Come to think of it, the old head-butt in the crotch is what that Trump dog seems to specialize in, while the Clinton dog tries to be nice and lick your face.

Maybe this isn't so hard after all.

Have a good day. Bilbo will be back tomorrow. Until then, woof!

Clara

* Hey, I'm a dog ... everything is edible, dontcha know!

** Not a "Super Pack," which seems to be something different.

*** Sorry ... I know you humans want the females to lead sometimes, but we stick with the males. It works for us.

† Whatever happened to good dog names like "Rex" and "Fido," eh?

††  Unless he owns a junkyard.

Guest Post

Hello, again! It’s me … Clara … you know, Bilbo and Agnes’s granddog.

It’s been a while since I’ve had a chance to write anything here ... my last guest post was back in August of last year! Bilbo usually keeps a pretty close watch on his computer, and in any case I don’t get to visit his house very often … he thinks I’m too excitable, just because I run around the house at top speed and jump from chair to chair and try to poach yummy stuff from the kitchen counter. What a spoil sport.

Well, anyhow, I had a chance to get my paws on the computer again, so I thought I’d give you some more of my dog’s-eye perspectives on a few things.

First of all, I heard everyone making a big deal yesterday about it being “Groundhog Day.” So what? Who cares? What good are groundhogs, anyhow? If you want a day to celebrate an animal, why not have a “Dog Day?” After all, we do a whole lot more for you than any fat, stupid groundhog. Oops … sorry … I’m starting to sound like that Trump guy. Oh, and another thing about groundhogs: if I understand this right, you think that if some groundhog in Pennsylvania wakes up, looks around, and sees his shadow, winter will last for another six weeks. Are you for real? You don’t believe it when scientists tell you the climate is changing, but you trust a rodent to predict the rest of your winter? You people really need to go back to school.

And speaking of winter, I’m a pit bull. We have very short hair and we don’t get winter coats. And I’m here to tell you that it’s no fun to have to squat down in 21 inches of snow to do your business. So if you have a dog, give us a break during the winter, and make sure you clear us out a patch where we can do our business without getting frostbite of the backside.

I've been working hard on being a Good Dog. It took a long time to get back in everybody's good graces after I ate the couch, but my Lovable Clara Plan^TM seems to be working. Here I am, helping Elise play games on her iPad ...

And here I am, schmoozing with Bilbo. I'm trying to distract him so he doesn't realize that this is the couch I ate ...

I'll let you know in my next guest post if the Lovable Clara Plan^TM is still working.

One last thing ... I may be just a dog, but I think that (like most dogs) I'm a pretty good judge of character. And trust me on this ... if I get close enough to either that Trump person or that Cruz person, I'm gonna bite him. Think carefully about who you vote for. I like it here, and I don't want to have to move to Australia.

Bilbo will be back tomorrow to do his own post. Until then, arf!

Clara

Guest Post

Hi, folks! It's me again, Clara, Bilbo and Agnes's granddog.

I haven't had a chance to post for a while*, because I've been in the doghouse (literally) after eating the living room couch at home. There's no Internet connection in my doghouse out in the yard, so I had to wait until I had a chance to visit Bilbo and Agnes again. They're still asleep, so I have a chance to give you another dog's-eye view of things.

First of all, if you have a dog or a child of your own, I hope you're paying attention to the heat this summer and not leaving him (or her) in the car unattended. We can suffer and die very quickly in a hot car, so please be sure you know what you're doing. We dogs will happily give our lives to protect you and your children ... we don't expect you to do the same, but we do expect you to take care of us!

I had a great time this past weekend when we celebrated the birthday of Leya, Bilbo's granddaughter and one of the children I watch over. It was a pool party on a hot day, and they let me go in the pool and have snacks and everything. I'm a pit bull, and we're not usually water dogs, but a hot day brings out my inner Retriever. It was especially fun when the kids would throw things into the pool and let me dive in after them. Is this a great dive or what?

Of course, it's not easy doing all that swimming and playing and protecting the children and policing up all the food that happens to fall to the ground ... even a dedicated and hard-working dog like me needs a rest once in a while!

Well, I guess that's it for now. I know that this is what you humans call an "election season," and that means that a lot of people do a lot of talking without having much worthwhile to say. We dogs aren't like that. When we bark, it's because we have something important to say. It might be something as simple as "there's a dog on guard here, so stay out" or as important as "the children are in danger!", but we don't bark just for the sake of barking, like that stupid Trump guy.

As Bilbo would say, have a good day. He'll be back tomorrow.

Until then, arf!

Clara

* You can read my last post here, in case you missed it.

Guest Post

Hi! It’s me again, Clara … you know, Bilbo and Agnes’s granddog (that’s a joke, you know, right?).

You might remember that I dropped by a few weeks back to introduce myself and give a bit of canine perspective on things. Now I’m back, and I have a funny story to tell you about the night Bilbo and I slept together.

Last weekend, Bilbo’s daughter and her family were out of town, and she needed someone to watch Lucy the cat and I. The last time, I stayed with Bilbo and Agnes at their house, but this time they decided that I was a little too energetic to visit there, so they decided to come down to their daughter’s house and stay with us. Because they both had a lot of things to do that weekend, they decided to split things up … Agnes stayed with us on Friday night and Bilbo stayed with us on Saturday night. This was okay with us, because as long as the water dish is full and there’s plenty of food and toys and long walks (for me ... for Lucy, not so much), we’re good.

So anyway, Bilbo came down on Saturday afternoon to stay with us. It was a really nice day, and he took me for a long walk so I could bark at squirrels and laugh at the dogs who weren’t allowed out and had to bark at me from their windows. We had a nice dinner and watched television (Bilbo let me lie on the couch with my head in his lap, while Lucy lay on the arm of the couch on the other side, so it was nice.) I just wish he’d have watched something with more dogs in it. Every so often I got up and climbed on him and licked the back of his neck to remind him.

Well, about 10:30 or so we went to bed. I know that Bilbo usually sleeps with Agnes, so he should be used to someone sharing his bed with him, but you wouldn’t know that from the way he behaved! He got into bed, and I right away laid down between his legs, which was a nice, snug, warm spot. He tried to make me move, but I was comfortable and didn't feel like moving, so he finally gave up and tried to go to sleep. Over the next few hours, I gradually moved up a little bit at a time until I was lying on his chest with my head on his shoulder. It was nice and comfortable, and listening to his heartbeat helped me to sleep, but for some reason he didn’t seem to like it as much as I did. I think he thought I was too heavy or something*. Go figure! He kept trying to push me off, but I’m pretty solid**, so I wasn’t going anywhere!

After a while, it started getting a little chilly in the room. I feel things like that, you know, because we pit bulls don’t have a lot of long hair to keep us warm. So I decided it was time to move. I licked Bilbo’s chin a few times to make sure he was awake and knew what I was doing, and then I burrowed my way under the covers next to him and snuggled up so that we could keep each other warm. It wasn't a three-dog night, so we managed just fine. Well, I did, anyway. Bilbo was complaining that he was too warm, but what does he know about it?

Bilbo usually tries to sleep late on the weekends because he gets up so early during the week to write his blog and go to work, but for some reason he got up really early on Sunday morning. I was nice and toasty warm, so I stayed in bed under the covers for a while before I figured it was time to get up and remind him about things like breakfast and morning walks. He might have forgotten, otherwise.

So we had a nice visit. Lucy sniffed around and considered joining us in bed during the night, but she decided to sleep somewhere else. That's fine with me ... Lucy's okay as cats go, but for real nighttime companionship, you just can't beat a dog!

Well, I guess that's all for now. It's not easy typing with paws, so I need to pace myself.

As Bilbo would say, have a good day. He'll be back tomorrow with more of his own thoughts, and I'll visit again from time to time when I have something to share.

Arf!

Clara

* But he's too much of a gentleman to tell a girl she's too heavy.

** Bilbo says I'm just one big muscle, which is pretty much true. You don't want to mess with me!

Guest Post

Hi, there!

My name is Clara. For some reason, Bilbo hasn't gotten around to introducing us yet, so I've got to take matters into my own paws. Nice to meet you, and thanks for dropping by.

I usually live with Bilbo's grandchildren down in Manassas, but since they're on vacation with their Mom, I'm staying with Bilbo and Agnes for a few days. I've been here before, so I've already had the chance to scope things out and find the right places to get into trouble have fun. They have a nice sofa right in front of the windows in their living room, which is the perfect place for me to stand guard and protect them from mailmen, door-to-door salespeople, and traveling politicians. And no other dog is getting into this yard, let me tell you! They also have a really nice king-sized bed for me to sleep in. Well, they really would rather I slept somewhere else, but hey, that's a lot of space for just two people, right?

You may have noticed that I'm a Pit Bull. I hope that didn't turn you off, because I'm actually a very nice dog. I really like most people (especially children), but everybody's afraid of me because they think that we're all serial killers or something. I know that some of us have been trained to be nasty, but it's not how we really are ... it's just how someone made us. I ask you ... is this a picture of a vicious dog?

We need to hire the PR guy that those dumb Labrador Retrievers hired to polish their image.

Anyway, Bilbo's not here right now, and I know that he used to let Nessa post from time to time, so I thought I'd go ahead and give it a shot myself. It isn't that hard, and I guess I can do at least as good a job as some of the humans I've seen writing stuff on this Internet thing.

So tell me, what is it with comments that make you humans so crazy? It seems as if when one person writes something on the Internet, a bunch of other people have to jump in with a bunch of comments that are really nasty and insulting, most of which doesn't have anything to do with what was originally written. What's up with that? And who's this Hitler guy that everyone compares people who don't agree with them to*?

We dogs may bark at each other, but then we just sniff each other's butts and go off to chase each other and fetch sticks and roll in smelly stuff and have fun. All you do is bark at each other, and never move on to the fun stuff. You people really need to get lives.

Well, okay, that's it for now. I'm sure somebody will leave a comment about this. But just remember, my name is Clara ... not Hitler.

As Bilbo would say, have a good day. He'll be back tomorrow with more of his own thoughts, and I'll be back whenever I can sneak into his study.

Arf!

Clara

* I don't know who he is, but from how you all talk about him, he sounds like one of the few people I'd bite just on principle.

Basic Rules for Dogs

If you're not a Dog Person, you probably won't be able to fully appreciate this post, so you may want  either to come back again tomorrow or to go back and read some older posts. Or you could read on and learn something, it's up to you.

Dogs have personalities, and they have inborn sets of rules* that seem to program their behavior. You will doubtless recognize the manifestations of these rules followed by your four-legged friend as he works assiduously to defend your home and yard ...

Newspapers: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.

Visitors: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick his face and growl gently to show your concern.

Barking: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark. A lot. Your humans will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark...

Licking: Always take a big drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.

Holes: Rather than digging one big hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so she won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe she'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

Doors: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for you to sleep. This enables you to carefully monitor each human that goes in or out and, if you keep a careful count, you will know when it is safe to move up onto the couch (see couches below).

The Art of Sniffing: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

Dining Etiquette: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. If no food falls on the floor, it is perfectly permissible to lay your head in the human's lap or nudge his leg to remind him that you're on duty. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing (see the art of sniffing, above).

Housebreaking: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

Going for Walks: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your human, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn. Make sure to use the neighbor's yard instead, and be sure to select a spot from which the neighbor can see you.

Couches: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed, or if they are out of the house. Who's to know?

Playing: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.

Chasing Cats: When chasing cats, make sure you never quite catch them. It spoils all the fun.

Chewing: Make a contribution to the fashion industry ... eat a shoe. Just one. Your human will want the other one as a reminder of its lost twin.

Those are some of the basic rules for dogs. If you have a dog, you will probably recognize them and have others. Leave a comment about them.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Thanks to my friend Bob, who sent me the original e-mail list on which this post is based.

Guest Post

Hey, everybody - it's me, Nessa! I haven't posted anything here for a while, and I'm writing this early so that Bilbo can publish it for me later ... because I'm afraid I won't be here any more.

Yep, I've been kind of sick for the last couple of months, with this nasty thing growing on my left eye. Bilbo and Agnes took me to the vet a couple of weeks ago and had it removed, but it grew back very fast, and even bigger than before. When they talked about it they used the word cancer, which I know isn't a good thing ... so I've been getting my affairs in order, if you know what I mean. Later on this afternoon, they're taking me back to the vet, and this time, I won't be coming back.

Now, I'm not the smartest pup in the litter, but I know that I've had a good, fun life. Bilbo and Agnes loved me and took great care of me, and all their children and grandchildren did, too ...

I had lots of time to play, guarded Bilbo's house against all those mailmen and door-to-door salesmen, and enjoyed those long walks with him in the evening before bed, when he told me all his troubles and I helped him relax. He still likes telling the story about the time he took me for a walk in the woods behind the house and got lost, and it took hours for us to find our way back! He's not a bad guy, you know ... he might make a good dog someday, with the right training!

So don't feel sorry for me ... I know that Punky and Moseby and Wooly and all my friends are waiting for me, and there'll be plenty of cats and squirrels to chase, and plenty of toys and treats, and water and food bowls that are always full. And I know that when Bilbo and Agnes finally get here, we'll all be able to play again just like before.

Everybody be safe and love each other. When you get here, look me up ... we can throw a few frisbees or something.

Goodbye, and Woof!

Nessa

Guest Post

Hey, everybody! Nessa here once again. How's everyone this morning? I'm feeling comfortable and well-rested, thanks for asking...

But yesterday was a bit grueling, though. Let me tell you about it.

Bilbo and Agnes went out early in the morning to watch their granddaughters' swimming lesson, and they left me here to guard the house from burglars, itinerant political hacks, squirrels, deer, and other dogs. It's a job I can do very well, especially since I can do it from the sofa under the window or - as you can see in this picture - from my nice cushion in the upstairs hallway, right between the doorway to the kitchen and the steps down to the front door (from here, I have a great view out the transom window, so no evil mailmen or delivery people can get past my watchful gaze).

Oh, and speaking of my nice cushion ... why don't they make these things bigger?

But I was talking about yesterday, wasn't I?

Anyhow, after Bilbo and Agnes came home, they felt guilty (I helped!) because they'd left me alone for a while, so they decided to take me for a nice long walk up to the local shopping center. They do this fairly often, actually ... we walk up to the shopping center, and then Bilbo waits with me on the sidewalk in front of the Giant (that's a store that sells dog food and lunch meat and treats, and some other stuff that people need) while Agnes goes in to buy whatever they need. This is a pretty good deal, since I get to rest up for the second leg of the walk AND have people fuss over me while I sit there with Bilbo.

Bilbo says I'm a babe magnet, which is true. Women love me. They'll cross the street to come up and ask Bilbo, "Can I pet your dog?", which he almost always allows. And then the women always comment on how cute and well-behaved I am and all that. Which is all true, of course.

This is a bit frustrating for Bilbo, though. He told Agnes yesterday that it doesn't make much sense to have a dog that's such a babe magnet now that he doesn't need it any more. I think he wishes all those good-looking women would scratch him under the chin and kiss him and rub his tummy and all that stuff.

Sometimes, it's good to be the dog.

So anyway, Agnes finished buying all the stuff she needed and then she came back and we got ready to walk home. I picked up my stick (I always have to have something to carry, you know ... it's that retriever thing) and Bilbo and Agnes divided up all the bags and we strolled on home. People in passing cars looked at us and smiled, because I think they enjoy seeing a good dog taking her people for a walk.

And I am, of course, a good dog. Don't listen to what that #$@! cat down the street tells you.

Well, it's going to be a quiet day here. Agnes is getting organized for her trip back to Germany, Bilbo is trying (again ... or is it still, I don't know) to clean off his desk and organize his study, and the weatherman says we're going to have something happen this afternoon. I hope it's snow, because it's really annoying when it rains a lot and we come home and Bilbo smells like a wet human.

Have a good day. Bilbo will be back tomorrow.

Woof!

Nessa

Guest Post

Hi everybody! It's me again ... you know ... Nessa. I'm the dog that lives with Bilbo and Agnes. Bilbo is busy getting ready to go and visit his grandchildren later this morning, so I thought I'd give him a break and do today's post for him. I guess that makes me a service dog, huh?

Anyhow, I was surfing the net while Bilbo and Agnes were out yesterday and found this:

Oh, you don't know the half of it!

Bilbo is the one who usually takes me for walks, and he talks up a blue streak the whole way. I think he likes to use me as a sounding board for his ideas and frustrations. I know who he likes and who he doesn't. I know the names of everyone on the list of people he calls "bottled-in-bond, aged-in-wood, gold-plated, certified, documented, first-class, card-carrying, USDA-approved ass clowns" (sometimes he refers to some of them collectively as "Congress," but there are a lot of others on the list, too). I know the plots of the stories he'd like to write and the things he wants to write about in his blog. I know his complaints about the bus he rides to and from work (most of the drivers seem to be ass clowns who can't keep to the schedule, don't know the route, and sometimes leave him standing at the curb as they drive by, especially if it's cold and raining or snowing). I know all the cute things his grandchildren do (which is important because I don't get to see them very often). He wants my opinion of the things he'd like to buy for Agnes for special occasions, and asks me to remind him of things he has to remember.

There's lots of other stuff he tells me, too, but I'm Bilbo's dog through and through, and there are some things that just have to remain between us. I'm not one of those lick-and-tell dogs. A Jack Russell terrier would probably tell you everything he ever said ... but he'd shout it all out so fast you'd never understand it all, anyway.

We dogs have a lot of important jobs. We protect our families, play with their children, provide unconditional love, and generally help get them through what can be a tough life. And we don't ask for much ... keep the supper dish and the water bowl full, throw the frisbee or tennis ball a few times, take us for walks, and we're happy.

And you can talk to us any time. You can talk to one of those psychiatrist people, too, but they want a lot of money for what we give you for free. And we can lay on the couch with you and nobody will think you're weird.

So go ahead and talk to us. We're ready to listen.

And your secrets are safe with us.

Have a good day. Bilbo will be back tomorrow with more thoughts.

Woof!

Nessa

Guest Post - Merry Canine Christmas, 2011!

Hey there, again! It's me, Nessa!

Merry Christmas!

Bilbo and Agnes are still asleep, and so I thought I'd get on the keyboard and share some of my thoughts with you while they rest up for the busy day that's coming up. I should do that, too (rest up, I mean), but we dogs have our jobs to do, too ... and that means making sure that this Santa character who breaks into houses at Christmas time gets chased off. I know he usually leaves stuff, rather than stealing it, but nobody comes into this house without my hysterical barking and sniff of approval. Those reindeer are just lucky I can't get up onto the roof ...

I told you last year what we dogs think about at Christmas time. You can go back and read it here if you're new to this blog since then ... go ahead and read while I go downstairs and check out the chimney again. I'll be back.

Okay, I'm back. No sign of that Santa person. Good thing, too ... somehow I think that if I barked loud enough to scare him off, it would wake up Bilbo and Agnes, and even though I was doing the right thing, I might get yelled at and told to be quiet. It's not easy being a watchful dog sometimes.

But let's get back to this Christmas thing. I haven't seen anything in the past year that would make me change my mind about it. You humans are still acting dumb (Bilbo thinks some of you are so dumb that he has a special award for it ... he even let me vote!). I'm not sure about this Congress that Bilbo keeps ranting about ... to hear him talk, it seems to be about as useless as a bunch of cats, except that cats can catch mice and this Congress thing doesn't look like it could even catch a cold.

The whole thing about giving each other gifts is pretty nice, and I like it (especially since Agnes always makes sure that I get a nice big bone or a new toy or something, too), but why do you have to wait all year to be nice to each other for a couple of days? It seems to me that you ought to be able to be nice all year long. What's the matter ... are you waiting for someone to pat you on the head and say, "Good Person!"?

And then there's this dumb thing about whether or not you should celebrate Christmas at all. Instead of thinking about this as a time when you have an excuse to act the way you should all year, lots of you spend time arguing about whether or not it's unconstitutional (whatever that means) to have a nativity scene, or even use the word Christmas. Did you know that in Bilbo's home town of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, they used to call it Sparkle Season instead of Christmas? How stupid is that? And don't talk about how the season is going to the dogs ... you don't see us acting that dumb.

So from this old dog's perspective, here's what you should do today:

Be nice to each other.

Make sure your children have a happy day full of wonder and joy and love ... they'll have a lot of years ahead to get bitter and cynical on their own.

Be safe and happy, even if it's only for one day a year.

And chase a cat or a squirrel or something. It may not be as satisfying as chasing one of those Congress persons, but you probably won't go to jail for it.

On behalf of all dogs everywhere, have a very merry Christmas and a wonderful holiday season. And remember us while you're at it ... like I told you last year at this time, you may not love each other except this one time a year, but you can always count on us to love you, no matter what.

Woof!

Nessa

Guest Post

Hey, everybody! I'm back again - it's me, Nessa, the dog that lives with Bilbo and Agnes. I thought I'd take a break from helping Bilbo rake leaves in the yard and try my hand ... uh ... paw at this blogging thing again. I know it hasn't been too long since I last wrote something here (I don't do it often because it's hard to type with paws, you know), but I just had to give you a dog's-eye view of something Bilbo saw in the paper yesterday: Fairfax Neighbors Head to Court Over Unscooped Dog Poop.

The short version of the story is this: two neighbors in our area are fighting because Baxter, the dog that takes care of one of them, has been pooping in the other one's yard, and the poopee (I made that word up!) is mad because she says Baxter's person didn't pick up the poop and take it away. This is Baxter -

According to the story, the poopee is pretty upset ... she has put on something called a lawsuit (I think it's a kind of scary Halloween costume) to make Baxter's person pick up the poop. She has even taken pictures of the poop, and hired a company to analyze it and prove it belongs to Baxter.

You humans never cease to amaze me.

When we dogs have an argument, we circle each other and growl and put on a big show of anger. Sometimes we tussle with each other a bit, but we always end up getting together and rolling in something smelly to show there are no hard feelings. You humans don't do that, though. You'd rather waste money better spent on toys and treats on analyzing poop and putting on lawsuits to force each other to do the right thing.

You can say what you want about Bilbo, but he always picks up my poop. Sometimes, he even picks up other dogs' poop when their people don't do it themselves. I personally think it's kind of dumb, considering that he spends good money on manure for his garden that I give him for free, but I guess he figures that not everybody likes natural stuff. And he doesn't want me to help him try on any of those dumb lawsuits.

Lawsuits. Talk about stupid human tricks.

Also, I want to give a shout to Izzy, the dog that lives with Peg. Izzy has been sick, but she's better now. I know how miserable it can be for us dogs to be sick, and I'm glad Izzy's okay. Hey, Peg, give her a treat for me, okay?

That's all for now. I just wanted to tell you how dumb I think this whole lawsuit thing is. Quit wasting money and acting stupid ... just pick up the poop, sniff each other's butts, and move on. Life's too short.

Have a good day. Bilbo will be back tomorrow with thoughts of his own, and he says he'll leave the poop discussions to Chrissy.

Woof!

Nessa

Guest Post

Hi, everybody! It's me ... Nessa ... you know, the dog that lives with Bilbo and Agnes!

It's been a while since I've posted anything here at Bilbo's blog, but I haven't had much to say. It's been a rough last few months in any case ... do you have any idea what it's like to have to wear a fur coat every day during a Northern Virginia summer? It's no picnic, I can tell you. And then there was that two weeks I had to stay at the vet's place while Bilbo and Agnes went to someplace called Germany. I mean, the people who work at the vet's are nice, but they're not family, you know. I spent the whole two weeks trying to decide whether I should jump around and act hysterically happy when they came back, or just mope and ignore them and make them feel guilty. In the end, I went with option A ... I'm a Lab, after all.

Yesterday after work Bilbo met one of his blogging friends for drinks, and he's now sleeping a bit later than usual, so I thought I'd take the opportunity to give you my dog's-eye view of the world.

The other day one of Bilbo's friends posted a link to an article on her Facebook page. Now, I'm still trying to understand this Facebook thing ... it appears to be someplace inside the computer where humans send each other messages or ask one another to be friends. We dogs do something similar, but we do it by peeing on things and sniffing each other's backsides. I guess Facebook is a little less messy for sending messages, but the principle's the same. I thought I'd try sending a message via Facebook, but at the last minute I figured Bilbo wouldn't be happy if I peed on the keyboard, you know what I'm sayin'?

Well, anyway, back to Bilbo's friend and her post on Facebook. She posted a link to this article: Robot Dog Readies for Combat.

So, whose stupid idea is that? A robot dog? That's an idea so dumb it must have come from a cat ...

It looks to me as if the only thing this stupid robot dog has going for it is that it's able to walk and keep its balance. That's dumb. Even Bilbo can walk and keep his balance most of the time.

A robot dog. Come on, now. Can a robot dog run up to you and happily greet you at the end of a long day? Can a robot dog chase balls and frisbees? Can a robot dog scare bad people away from your house (unless he's got a built-in machine gun)? Can a robot dog lick your face and snuggle up to you and cheer you up when you're down?

I just know this robot dog thing is a plot by those stupid cats to undermine our position in the social hierarchy. And I know that there are some humans who will be dumb enough to fall for it. What can you do? All I can say is that if you think you need a robot dog, you probably also think you need to run right out and buy that silly iPhone 4S thing that'll be obsolete by this time next year. Or next month.

Humans. You guys are just so entertaining to watch.

Well, I guess that's all for now. It's almost time for me to take my place by the window so that I can bark frantically when that guy throws Bilbo's newspaper onto the front stoop. There's no way I'm going to let him think he can get that close to our house without knowing I'm on duty.

And I'm no dumb robot that has a tinny bark and poops nuts and bolts.

Have a good day. Bilbo will be back tomorrow with Cartoon Saturday.

Woof!

Nessa

Guest Post

Hi, there! It's me again ... Nessa ... remember, I'm the dog that lives with Bilbo and Agnes. I know I haven't been posting for a while, but it's getting to be summer, and that means I have lots of other things to do. There are more people out walking past the house who need to be barked at, and more animals trespassing in my yard that have to be chased off. A good dog's work is never done and I am, of course, a good dog.

Yesterday I was out in the yard helping Bilbo with this gardening thing of his. I'm not sure exactly what gardening is, but it seems to involve him getting dirty and sweating a lot and complaining about stiff joints. I try to help him with the stiff joints thing by making sure he gets lots of exercise throwing my frisbee for me and taking me for walks and stuff, but he just seems sometimes to prefer getting dirty and sweating and complaining. Go figure.

One of the things I can't figure out about gardening is this whole thing about fertilizer. I think Bilbo's a pretty smart guy (hey, he keeps me around, and he married Agnes, right?), but sometimes I just don't understand him. He said he needed fertilizer and came back from the store with bags and bags of manure. Now, I may not be the smartest puppy in the litter, but even I know what manure is ... it's just poop with a good sales rep. Now, why would Bilbo spend good money that he could use on food and toys and treats for me to buy poop? I can give him all the poop he wants, but he gets mad at me when I put in in the yard, ready for him to use ... he just puts it in little bags and dumps it in the trash. What's up with that?

Oh, well ...

Another thing I can't figure is the difference between plants and weeds. They look pretty much the same to me and I don't feel any difference when I roll around on them, but Bilbo spends a lot of time he could use throwing balls for me to chase in pulling up one plant, but not another, because one of them is a weed. It seems to me that a weed is nothing more than a plant that's growing where you don't want it. Or maybe it's just something useless, like cats. Who knows?

Well, I'd write more, but it looks like Bilbo is ready to go back outside to do more gardening, and I know he'll need help (and guarding and supervision). And I have more poop to offer him so he can stop wasting his money on manure. To listen to him, he gets enough of it for free from some store called Congress, anyhow.

Bilbo will be back tomorrow. Have a good day.

Woof!

Nessa

Guest Post

Hi, there! It's me again, Nessa ... you know, Bilbo's dog. I haven't blogged for a while (actually, since last Christmas), and many of you have been asking why I haven't been around. Well, I've been here, but I just haven't had too much to say that Bilbo hasn't already covered. He's been trying to train me to bite Republicans, Democrats, and Tea Party wingnuts, but I don't like it, because they all leave a bad taste in my mouth. He should just bite them himself instead of complaining about them all the time.

Anyhow, there are other reasons I don't blog very often. First of all, do you know how hard it is to work a keyboard with paws instead of hands? It's not easy, let me tell you. But there are a lot of other reasons why we dogs don't work well with computers. Here are just a few ...

Things started to go south when we realized we couldn't stick our heads out of Windows '95.

We still don't understand why there's not a FETCH command available on all platforms.

Have you ever tried to read a monitor with your head cocked to one side?

Bilbo gets really upset when I "mark" the websites I visit.

Just hearing that stupid "You've Got Mail!" thing is not nearly as satisfying as barking hysterically at the postman.

That fire hydrant icon is just not as good as the real thing.

The boss knows we're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working because of that darned involuntary tail wagging.

We keep bruising our noses when we try to catch that MPEG frisbee.

We need an emoticon that signifies tail-wagging.

Typing will be much easier once they introduce the Microsoft Tactile Mouse with Opposable Thumb.

Carpaw Tunnel Syndrome is really painful.

Have you ever tried to work with a saliva-coated mouse?

We're still looking for the alt.pictures.master's.leg newsgroup.

Butt-sniffing is more direct and less deceiving than fooling around in online chat rooms.

Well, I guess that pretty well sums it up. Today is something called Easter. I haven't quite figured it out yet, but it seems to involve eggs, candy, and fancy hats for the ladies. Like Christmas, it also seems to have something to do with the master you worship, and how he rose up after three days. Well, I worship Bilbo, and Agnes is always complaining that it takes him three days to rise up and get anything done, so I guess this is all about him. Hmm...maybe he'll make some of those good eggs for breakfast. I should head out to the kitchen and practice my Sorrowful Lab Look^TM so I'll be ready when they get to the table.

On behalf of all us dogs everywhere, Happy Easter! We know you'll be busy with those egg hunts and Easter baskets and such, but don't forget to play with us while you're at it. Who knows ... we might find some of those eggs you hid last year and forgot about!

Woof!

Nessa

Guest Post - A Merry Canine Christmas

Hey there, once again. It's me, Nessa!

Bilbo and Agnes are still asleep, because they had a pretty strenuous day yesterday spending Christmas Eve with their grandchildren who live nearby. So I thought I'd just let them sleep and take a few minutes to give you a dog's spin on this whole Christmas thing.

I haven't quite figured the whole thing out yet, but I gather that it has something to do with the master you worship. I, of course, adore Bilbo, but other dogs worship their own masters, and we all seem to get along fine ... unlike you humans, who often seem to hate people who worship a different master. How dumb is that?

There appears to be a story about a baby born in a manger (I think the story's called a nativity or something like that), and a team of kings that came a long way and brought gifts and stuff because they somehow knew this baby was special. I happen to think all babies are special, and part of a dog's job is to protect them and sit patiently while they pull our fur and tug on our ears and tails and stuff. By the way, did you ever notice that there aren't any dogs in any of these things you humans call "nativity scenes?" What's up with that?

Well anyway, because the kings brought gifts for this special baby (I heard one of them even brought frankfurters, yum!), you humans now seem to think that it's important to give each other gifts, too. I sometimes go to the store with Bilbo and Agnes to guard the car while they buy stuff, and I'm really amazed at how much you people buy. Everybody's talking about how bad this recession thing is, but it doesn't seem to be stopping them from buying lots of things. And do you know what? I spend a lot of time guarding the house from the front window, and I see a lot of this shiny new stuff being carried away by the trash man in just a few months (even though I bark at him). Does he give you your money back when you give him your things?

Everybody seems to want to visit everybody else at this time of year, too. I have to be on my best alert level so I can bark hysterically when someone comes to the door with cookies or bread or something for Bilbo and Agnes - after all, they need to know someone is at the door, and sometimes there are dog treats in there for me, too (since all the neighbors know me). Sometimes the people who come to the door stay to visit, and I put on my best Sorrowful Lab Look^TM so that they'll share stuff with me.

I've also noticed that television is a lot different at this time of year. I spend a lot of time watching things on TV with my head in Bilbo's or Agnes's lap, and it always amazes me how many of your TV shows are devoted to people hurting and killing each other, and cars chasing around and people shooting and screaming and threatening each other. Why on earth do you like to watch that stuff? At Christmas time, though, for about a week the TV brings cheerful and uplifting stories about love and goodness and happiness. I like that. But one week out of 52 in a year? I've gotta tell you, if I were human (and I'm glad I'm not) I wouldn't want to watch a lot of that stuff.

I already told you my thoughts about all the Christmas decorations and lights and stuff in my last guest post, so I won't go into that now. I'll just say that I'm glad Bilbo didn't put up one of those stupid, lighted-up deer in the yard. They're no fun, because they don't run away when I bark at them, and if they don't run away, I can't chase them and crash around in the woods and find smelly stuff to roll around in so that Bilbo gets all spun up and Agnes makes him take me in the shower with him. That's fun! I know most dogs wouldn't like it, but we Labs are water dogs, so bring it on!

Well, I think that's about all for now. Bilbo and Agnes will be getting up and eating their breakfast pretty soon, and I need to position myself carefully in the kitchen so that I get my share of whatever they're eating. Then they have some friends coming for a visit and dinner later, so I need to get ready to announce their arrival and then make sure they always know where I am in case they need to dispose of any extra treats or food or toys or anything.

It isn't easy being a dog at Christmas, but I think I'm up to the challenge.

On behalf of dogs everywhere, I hope you all have a Merry Christmas, whichever master you worship. And don't forget us while you're at it. You may not love each other except this one time a year, but you can always count on us to love you, no matter what.

Woof!

Nessa

Wrapping Presents with Dogs

Nessa is working on her next guest post (which will appear soon), but in the meantime she asked me to repost this item that she found on Miss Celania's blog ...

Wrapping Presents with Dogs

1. Gather presents, boxes, paper, etc. in middle of living room floor.

2. Get tape back from puppy.

3. Remove scissors from older dog's mouth.

4. Open box.

5. Take puppy out of box.

6. Remove tape from older dog's mouth.

7. Take scissors away from puppy.

8. Put present in box.

9. Remove present from puppy's mouth.

10. Put back in box after removing puppy from box.

11. Take scissors from older dog and sit on them.

12. Remove puppy from box and put on lid.

13. Take tape away from older dog.

14. Unroll paper.

15. Take puppy off box.

16. Cut paper, being careful not to cut puppy's foot or nose that is getting in the way as he "helps."

17. Let puppy tear remaining paper.

18. Take puppy off box.

19. Wrap paper around box.

20. Remove puppy from box and take wrapping paper from his mouth.

21. Tell older dog to fetch the tape so he will stop stealing it.

22. Take scissors away from puppy.

23. Take tape older dog is holding.

24. Quickly tape one spot before taking scissors from older dog and sitting on them again.

25. Fend off puppy trying to steal tape and quickly tape another spot.

26. Take bow from older dog.

27. Chase down puppy and recover roll of wrapping paper he ran off with.

28. Take scissors from older dog who took them when you got up.

29. Give pen to older dog to hold so he stops licking your face.

30. Remove puppy from present and hurriedly slap on tape to hold the paper in place.

31. Take now-soggy bow from puppy and tape it to the gift, since the sticky stuff on the bottom no longer sticks.

32. Take pen from older dog, address tag and affix while puppy tries to eat pen.

33. Grab present before puppy opens it, and put it away on a high shelf.

34. Clean up mess puppy and older dog made playing tug-of-war with remnants of wrapping paper.

35. Put away the rest of the wrapping supplies, give each dog a treat, and tell them what good helpers they are.

In truth, Nessa is an older dog and prefers to take a merely supervisory role when I wrap gifts. Of course, if the gift wrapping were taking place in the front yard, it would take about three hours to wrap anything, because I'd have to throw the frisbee every two minutes ... after picking it up off the wrapping paper and wiping away the accumulated drool.

You dog people will understand.

Have a good day. Enjoy your last few opportunities to spend some quality time at the mall with 756,000 of your closest friends.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo