High-Tech Hiding

In an article I saw online yesterday, a pair of scientists suggested a novel way of hiding the earth from hostile aliens using lasers to mask the earth's transit across the sun. Since earth's scientists use the fluctuations in a star's brightness to detect the presence and size of its planets, some concerned exobiologists have become fearful that terrifying aliens more deadly than Mexicans or Syrians ...

... could detect our planet and send high-tech, conquering armies to lay waste to the Earth before we can finish the job ourselves.

For myself, I'm less worried about little green men than I am about the self-styled "good guys with guns" who think they're heroically protecting the rest of us by packing ostentatious heat in the local five-and-dime.

But I digress.

If we can use lasers to hide an entire planet from evil extraterrestrials, what can we use to hide America from the horrifying hordes of illegal aliens pouring in from the less-desirable parts of our own world? Mr Trump has suggested building a gigantic wall along the Mexican border and forcing Mexico to pay for it ... an idea that has not been enthusiastically received by the Mexican government, although a similar idea worked fairly well for a few years for the East German government to contain the ghastly threat posed by West Berlin ...

Could we use lasers or wild light shows to confuse aliens trying to cross from Mexico into the US? How about if we erect huge loudspeaker towers along the border to broadcast Chinese music and trick would-be border crossers into believing that they made a very bad wrong turn somewhere? Or instead of a wall, we could put up miles and miles of screens on which we could project images of fierce dinosaurs devouring hapless immigrants?

I'm sure there are other ploys we could use, too ... anyone else have any ideas?

Have a good day. Deter an alien invasion today!

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Bilbo's Plan for Dealing with the Illegal Immigration Crisis on the Southern Border

The President has asked for $3.7 billion to address the flood of unaccompanied children pouring into the United States illegally across our southern border. Because it's his plan, the GOP-controlled House of Representatives reflexively detests it and will never pass it, on principle alone.

After much bluster and posturing, the GOP has come up with its own plan to address the issue, costing about $1.5 billion. The GOP plan would mandate the deployment of National Guard troops, boost funding for Border Patrol, and require the administration to more quickly process and deport young children and families who have illegally entered the country. Because it's their plan, the Democratic-controlled Senate reflexively detests it and will never pass it, on principle alone.

Both $3.7 billion and $1.5 billion are an awful lot of money. I have a plan that would cost considerably less.

Under my plan, Congress would allocate approximately $1 million to fund a covert CIA operation which would replace directional signs on Mexican highways and railroads so that directional arrows and distance markers indicating the route toward the United States actually point back toward Central and South America. At border crossings on the southern border of Mexico, new signs would be erected which say "Welcome to the United States!"

Everybody will go home.

Now, I know what you're thinking ... you're thinking that it's a stupid idea and it will never work. But consider this: is it any more stupid than expecting Congress to agree on a rational plan?

I rest my case.

Have a good day. Remember that the real issue is not immigration ... it's illegal immigration. Everybody seems to miss that point most of the time.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Using the Information

Here's an interesting quote sent to me by one of my former co-workers:

"We have thousands of times more available information than Thomas Jefferson or Abraham Lincoln. Yet which of us would think ourselves a thousand times more educated or more serviceable to our fellowmen than they? The sublime quality of what these two men gave to us - including the Declaration of Independence and the Gettysburg Address - was not attributable to their great resources of information, for their libraries were comparatively small by our standards. Theirs was the wise and inspired use of a limited amount of information. Available information wisely used is far more valuable than multiplied information allowed to lie fallow."*

The key sentence in that quote is, I think, the last one ... "Available information wisely used is far more valuable than multiplied information allowed to lie fallow." This is one of the big problems we have nowadays - we're awash in information, but little of it seems to be used properly. People cherry-pick the bits of information that agree with their preconceived ideas and let the rest lie fallow. We have lost the realization that information properly applied can act like fertilizer on a field, causing other information to grow and lead to new, better insights.

Sadly, though, much of the information in which we're swimming is nothing more than fertilizer**, unless wisely applied ... which it usually isn't.

Just a thought for a snowy Hump Day.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* The speaker was Mr Dallin H. Oaks, an American attorney, jurist, author, professor, public speaker, and religious leader.

** I could have said "bullshit," but decided not to.

Shopping for Men

Gifts are always a problem.

We give them for birthdays, anniversaries, engagements, weddings, and a host of other reasons, but giving a gift is never a simple thing. We worry about what the recipient will or won't like. We worry about what gifts other people are likely to give so that we don't give a duplicate gift or - worse - give a gift that looks inadequate by comparison. We worry about how much to spend ... a gift too expensive makes us look gauche, while one too inexpensive makes us look, well, cheap. Most ladies have drawers full of expensive, uncomfortable, or downright embarrassing lingerie purchased for them by men who have ignored the inverse relationship between price and amount of material used in construction ... lingerie worn once, if at all. Most men have racks of ties they would only wear if a hangman was tying the knot.

In short, gift-giving can be a pain in the neck*.

Ladies, though, have it easy when buying gifts for men - just follow these simple rules and you can't go wrong ...

Rule #1: When in doubt, give him a cordless drill. It doesn't matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. A man can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By the way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3: Buy him anything for his car. Price doesn't matter - a 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror will be received as well as a set of custom-tooled alloy wheels. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4: Do not buy men socks, ties, or bathrobes. If God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented underwear.

Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. Always buy a remote that is bigger and has more buttons than the one you are replacing. A backlit digital display is also a plus. Even better is a fancy touch-screen model. It'll keep him busy and keep his mind off sex for hours at a time, especially if you buy a new 596-inch plasma flat-panel TV to go with it.

Rule #6: Do not buy a man fancy liqueurs. If you do, they will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey, beer, or simple cocktails like martinis.

Rule #7: Do not buy a man after shave. He is unlikely ever to be open the package, much less use it. Men prefer the ... um ... earthy smell.

Rule #8: Label makers. These are almost as good a gift as cordless drills. Be sure to buy ones that have as many buttons and assorted controls as possible. Within days there will be labels on everything in the house. Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Pets. Door. Lock. Sink. Children. You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over. Of course, if assembly requires use of a cordless drill or label maker, that's different.

Rule #10: Men enjoy danger. That's why they don't like to cook, but love to  barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank and tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #11: Tickets to any sporting event are generally a can't-miss gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #12: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a chainsaw for a man you love. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #13: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #14: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

Don't thank me ... it's all part of my ongoing effort to help you cope with the stresses of daily life.

It's Friday, and the weekend beckons. We'll talk about weekend plans tomorrow, after Cartoon Saturday ... be here.

Have a good day. More cartoonish thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* My birthday is in November. E-mail me for a suggested gift list.

Rated PG ... Maybe R ...

We're getting a bit more racy than usual this morning. You've been warned.

Agnes has been on my case for a while about my ... um ... spare tire, and the fact that I look a bit like a bratwurst when I squeeze myself into my tuxedo. She's suggesting that I need to lose a bit of weight, and so I've been looking at the number of calories that I can burn off with various activities ...

The Official Sex Calorie Counter

(Read: ACTIVITY - Number of calories burned)

REMOVING CLOTHES
With partner’s consent - 12
Without partner’s consent - 187

UNHOOKING BRA
Using two calm hands - 7
Using one trembling hand - 36

Add 10 calories for each drink consumed prior to activity.

GETTING INTO BED
Lifting partner - 15
Dragging partner along floor - 16
Begging - 3

ACHIEVING ERECTIONS
For normal healthy man - 2.5
Losing erection - 14
Searching for it - 115

PUTTING ON CONDOM
With erection - 1.5
Without erection - 300

INSERTING DIAPHRAGM
If the woman who does it is:
Experienced - 6
Inexperienced - 73
If a man does it - 650 (Add 5 calories for retrieving it from across the room)

POSITIONS ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY
Italian (Man on top, woman in kitchen) - 26

Afghan (Man in front, woman five paces behind) - 5
Russian (Woman on bottom, man getting permission) - 55
American (Both on top) - 60

POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS OF INTERCOURSE
Shortness of breath - 7
Whiplash - 27

ORGASM
Real - 27
Faked - 160

ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE
Shoes flew off - 35
Expression didn’t change - 0.5
Orchestra swelled - 6
Birds sang (Large birds) - 7
Birds sang (Small birds) - 3
Earth moved - 30

PULLING OUT
After orgasm - 0.5
A few moments before orgasm - 500

PENIS ENVY
For women - 3
For men - 72

GUILT
Achieved orgasm despite no formal training - 53
You’re enjoying sex, despite the fact that people are starving in Africa - 2
Sex on your lunch hour - 3
Putting it on expense account - 20

AGGRAVATION
Partner updates status on Facebook - 25
Partner updates status on Facebook, does not click "Like" - 50

Partner insists on cuddling dog during foreplay - 14
Partner just visited bathroom for 7th time - 10
Partner is taking phone calls - 7
Partner is making phone calls - 40

GETTING CAUGHT
By partner’s spouse - 60
By your spouse - 100
Trying to explain - 55
Trying to remain calm - 100
Leaping out of bed - 75
Getting dressed in one motion - 500
Thanking partner quickly - 3

Don't thank me ... it's all part of helping you maintain your health.

Have a good day. Burn a few calories. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Paging Sisyphus

You may not think that the old characters from Greek and Roman mythology have much to do with your life, but take it from me - they do.

Consider Sisyphus.

As a punishment for his actions on earth, the gods had devised a terrible punishment for Sisyphus: he was condemned for all eternity to roll an enormous boulder to the top of a mountain...but just as he reached the summit, the stone would slip from his hands and roll back down to the base of the mountain, where he would have to begin the task yet again. In the gods' view, an eternity of futile, hopeless labor would be the worst of punishments.

Well, in those days, the gods didn't have the same view of futile, hopeless labor that we have today. Back then, rolling boulders up steep mountainsides over and over was the best they could come up with. How might the gods punish Sisyphus today? Here are a few ideas...

1. Endlessly wait for a parking place, only to have another driver cut him off and steal it from him.

2. Work hard, be frugal, and save his life long, and then have some amoral MBA ass clown not only loot the savings he worked so long and hard for, but escape all punishment for doing so while laughing at him for being such a trusting chump.

3. Walk up and down nonfuntioning DC Metro escalators every day.

4. Condemn him to clean up Bilbo's study (no, wait, Hercules already got that one as the updated version of cleaning the Augean stables).

5. Offer him an eternal choice between Republicans and Democrats.

Just a few ideas. Of course, concerning that Republicans and Democrats thing, if I were a Greek or Roman god, I'd just throw lightning bolts at the lot of them. Or maybe get Hercules to use that Augean stables dodge to get rid of them all. The possibilities are endless.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Powered by Imagination, Part 2

Back in December of 2008 I wrote a post based on a news report about the updating of the classic red Radio Flyer wagon, and I shamelessly purloined the title of the post - Powered by Imagination - from the tag line of the otherwise unforgettable 1992 movie Radio Flyer. My point in that post was to comment on how ultramodern toys (in this case, a Radio Flyer wagon that was ergonomically correct, safe, and equipped with a dock for an mp3 player) rob our children of the opportunity to imagine the things an older, less advanced toy might call to mind. I asked myself - and, by extension - you, Dear Readers, this question: "how do we aspire to greater things without imagination?"

I thought about this topic again last week when I read this article on Slate.com - The Purpose of Science Fiction: How It Teaches Governments - and Citizens - How to Understand the Future of Technology.

Author Robert J. Sawyer wrote that...

"At the core of science fiction is the notion of extrapolation, of asking, 'If this goes on, where will it lead?' And, unlike most scientists who think in relatively short time frames - getting to the next funding deadline, or readying a product to bring to market - we think on much longer scales: not just months and years, but decades and centuries ... That said, our [science fiction writers'] job is not to predict the future. Rather, it's to suggest all the possible futures—so that society can make informed decisions about where we want to go.

An unfettered imagination is what allows children to learn and adults to conceive of a better future. If your religion forbids you to think about anything but achieving an eternal paradise after death, or if you deny yourself the ability or opportunity to ask yourself if this goes on, where will it lead?, we'll never learn and never advance.

Star Trek, 1984, the novels of Michael Crichton, and many other examples of very fine science fiction are out there - enjoy them, and don't lose the power of imagination. For a start, read the great novellas Who Goes There? by John W. Campbell (turned into an original and a remade film titled The Thing) and Farewell to the Master, by Harry Bates (the story on which the science fiction classic The Day the Earth Stood Still and its flashier but forgettable 2008 remake were based). You can thank me later.

Have a good day. Imagine a better future. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

The Solution

Flying is a pain in the neck (and other body parts), we all know that. It used to be an adventure, if not actually fun, but that was before the airlines nickeled and dimed you to death, flights were packed like sardines, and you had to go through enough layers of security that you felt like you were entitled to a conjugal visit at the end.

And much of it is because of people who believe their deity or their political outlook - or both - gives them the right and duty to blow you up. Because of these loons, we now all have to suffer inconveniences and ignominies large and small just to be able to fly from point A to point B. New security technologies are always being introduced, and the homicidal morons are always working to figure out ways around them.

The latest thing is the whole-body scanner that, like an x-ray, allows security personnel to literally see beneath your clothes. Predictably, civil libertarians and others object to this as an unwarranted invasion of privacy, although I personally consider it being preferable to being blown up by some idiot looking for his 72 dark-eyed virgins.

All that aside, how do we keep the bad guys with their exploding shoes and underwear off our airplanes so that we can travel to visit our grandchildren and conduct our business with fear only of bankruptcy, and not of our lives?

As it happens, my friend Bob has sent me a wonderful idea: a booth you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may be carrying.

It would be a win-win for everyone - no whiny B.S. about racial profiling, no long and expensive trials, and the only person killed would be the one who wanted to die in the first place. Justice would be quick and swift. Case closed!

This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion, followed shortly by an announcement over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers -- a seat is now available on flight number..."

I'm forwarding this to the TSA. It makes more sense than making little old ladies take off their shoes and hapless business travelers x-ray their laptops. And it gives us one less idiot to worry about.

Thanks, Bob! I hope your idea catches on.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo