Seeing Things Differently

Last month, in a post titled Husbandly Duties, I talked about the sheer joy* of accompanying my Very Best Beloved on her clothes-shopping expeditions. As all married men, and those in significant relationships, know, this is one of the duties that's part of the small print in your contract. And ... as we all also know ... men and women don't see things quite the same way in a lot of areas, which adds to the joy of shopping.

But, it turns out, there's apparently a sound scientific and evolutionary reason for all that.

My friend Ed, via his Facebook page, pointed me to this fascinating article from National Geographic Daily News: Men and Women Really Do See Things Differently. According to the article, the results of experiments conducted by researchers at Brooklyn College reveal that women are better at discriminating among colors, while men are better at tracking fast-moving objects and discerning detail from a distance. The results seem to indicate that these traits are evolutionary adaptations which may have grown out of our distant pasts as hunters (mostly men) and gatherers (mostly women).

Men's ability to see things at a distance and track moving objects may be related to their higher percentage of testosterone, which contributes to the development of neurons in the visual cortex, which in turn boosts visual acuity. This would, of course, provide an evolutionary advantage conducive to spotting prey at a distance, picking it out of a natural background, and tracking it for the kill.

Women, on the other hand, may have adapted better to the discrimination of colors at closer ranges, which would help them distinguish, for example, ripe from unripe fruits or variations in colors which could signal spoiled or poisonous plants. A professor of optics and visual science at City University London who was quoted in the article noted that women are often deficient in terms of absolute color sensitivity as compared to men, but that they are better at noticing subtle differences among shades of colors. He said that, "If you're not dealing with the absolute sensitivity for color detection but the way in which colors are judged—such as the ability to describe a color, or what that color means, and so on, I'd say that females are definitely much better than males."

Since most of us are no longer hunters and gatherers, these evolutionary adaptations express themselves in other ways. My former co-worker Gwen used to be driven to apoplexy when we'd compliment her on a nice pink blouse that she insisted wasn't pink, but coral; and most women seem instinctively to know that ecru and aubergine are clearly not the same as dirty white or purple.

So, ladies, give us a break when you drag us out to go shopping with you. If we think it's pink, smile and nod and content yourself with knowing in your heart that it's really coral or fuchsia** or rose or salmon. We'll pick the tiger out of the tall grass at a distance and protect you from him ... you dress for the celebration in the color you think is best.

Have a good day, even if you have to look at the world through salmon-colored glasses.

More thoughts tomorrow.

 Bilbo

* I'm glad I'm typing this ... it's hard to talk with my tongue stuck so far into my cheek.

** And whoever decided to call it "fuchsia" obviously never considered the linguistic implications of various pronunciations.

The Gentleman's Guide to Little-Known Flirting Techniques

Bilbo, you ask yourself, what on earth would an over-sixty fellow with five (six in December!) grandchildren know about flirting? Aren't you over all that stuff?

In a word, no.

We all flirt, at every age ... it's just that most men tend to be pretty inept at it, relying on cheesy pickup lines and deliberately ignoring our physical ... um ... shortcomings. Women are very good at flirting; men are not. That's just how it is.

But it doesn't have to be!

From my Blog Fodder file comes some good advice for men on little-known flirting techniques, based on this article by Kimberly Dawn Neumann ... with my commentary, of course ...

1. Wear Red. Red is a "power color," and we subconsciously react positively to people who wear red. This doesn't mean you need to wear a fire-engine red polyester suit*, but a splash of red (in a tie, perhaps) can lend you an aura of power and dominance. For more about color, smell, and sex, see my earlier post here.

2. Eat Celery. Chemically, I guess this one makes sense ... as Ms Neumann writes, "eating celery increases the amount of female-attracting pheromones that men emit. Why? It seems that the cytoplasm found in celery contains the same chemicals as those found in human male sweat (specifically, regular sweat that’s responsible for a subtly masculine scent, which may not always be perceptible through clothing); both contain the steroid Androstenone, which makes men more attractive to women." Well, that's as may be, but celery is still among my least-favorite vegetables. Raw celery is okay, but I've always found cooked celery to be pretty nasty. Why couldn't it have been a gift-of-the-gods vegetable like Brussels Sprouts that contains the molecular chick magnets?

3. Play Romantic Music. This one's pretty obvious. If you are trying to set a romantic mood, putting on your Best of Death Metal collection at ear-splitting volume is probably not a good choice. You may think Kenny G is a high-order twit, but his music is a better choice. Suck it up.

4. Order a Chocolate Dessert. This is another of those chemical things like celery (see #2 above). Not only does sharing food promote the idea of shared experience ("bonding"), eating chocolate also "... increases the serotonin levels in the human body, which can induce feelings of euphoria and chemically improve your mood." Ms Neumann further notes that “By being around a woman while she’s eating chocolate, you get this sort of ‘halo effect’…she likes the chocolate you ordered her, therefore she likes you.” Of course, too much chocolate over time tends to lead to excessive weight gain, so it's important to exercise moderation, right?

5. Learn Some Dance Moves. I can tell you from personal experience that a man who knows how to dance well will draw women like a magnet draws iron filings. And you don't have to know a lot of fancy patterns (although it doesn't hurt) ... what's more important is to be able to dance a few patterns really well. Trust me - ladies love a man who can dance ... that is, dance more than the old grope-and-shuffle. Take a few lessons, and you'll thank me.

To which I add my own sixth, guaranteed sure-fire technique ...

6. Don't Act Like an Idiot. You'd think this was pretty obvious, but there's nothing that will lead a man to act like a drooling moron than an attractive woman. Try to put yourself in her painful high heels ... would you like you if the situation were reversed?

There you go, men. Take it from a guy with a primo wife and a lot of attractive female friends ... moving beyond "what's your sign?" isn't hard, and the average lady will thank you for it. Ladies, what works for you? Add your thoughts in the comments.

Have a good day. Flirt well. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Someday I'll tell you about the year I wore a fire-engine red union suit to a Fasching party in Germany. It was a long time ago, and I was much less suave and debonaire than the Bilbo you know today ... 

The Science of Shopping

I learned a new term yesterday: mission shopping. This has nothing to do with seeking out the right place to proselytize, but with how we go about buying things.

Men, it seems, are mission shoppers. We don't like to shop. In general, when we need to shop, we go to a particular store with the idea of buying a particular thing. We go there, we buy it, we go home and have a beer.

Women, on the other hand, tend to be browsers ... they go from store to store, spending more time and ... most important to retailers ... money in each one. Retailers, thus, have tended to structure their stores to be attractive to female shoppers.

But women, to the horror of retailers, are becoming more like men in their shopping habits. The intersection of a miserable economy and the convenience of online shopping for selection, price comparison and the lack of sales taxes has turned women - who once could wander a mall all day and spend hours in a single store - into mission shoppers who either buy online or find what they want online, then go to a brick-and-mortar store to buy it.

This has led many traditional retail stores to experiment with all sorts of tactics to draw customers back through their doors to browse and make the sort of impulse purchases they used to make. This interesting article discusses the changes taking place in the science and psychology of parting you from your money: Best Buy Sales at Risk as Surgical Shoppers Lose Impulse. You might also be interested in this related article from the E-Commerce News: The Six Basic Types of E-Shoppers.

Have a good day. Buy something ... the economy will thank you. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Translations, Part 2

Yesterday, I offered a guide for the ladies to help them understand what men actually mean when they use common words and phrases. Today, to keep the universe in balance, we have the equivalent guide for the men out there. In her comment posted to yesterday's translation guide, Raquel said, "I would not even worry about posting the women's version. We basically say what we mean and mean what we say." Well, Raquel, I think most of us over the age of, say, six months, beg to differ. You guys who are married or "in relationships" will understand. Those of you who aren't, study hard...someday, this will all be clear...

"You want."
Translation: "You want."

"We need."
Translation: "I want."

"It's your decision."
Translation: "The correct decision should be obvious by now."

"Do what you want."
Translation: "You'll pay for this later."

"We need to talk."
Translation: "I need to complain."

"Sure, go ahead."
Translation: "I don't want you to."

"I'm not upset."
Translation: "You're damn right I'm upset."

"I'm not yelling!"
Translation: "You're damn right I'm yelling!"

"You're so manly."
Translation: "You need a shave and you sweat a lot."

"You're certainly attentive tonight."
Translation: "Is sex all you ever think about?"

"I'm not emotional and I'm not overreacting."
Translation: "I'm on my period."

"Be romantic, turn out the lights."
Translation: "I have ugly thighs."

"This kitchen is so inconvenient."
Translation: "I want a new house."

"I want new curtains."
Translation: "...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper."

"I need wedding shoes."
Translation: "The other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white."

"Hang the picture there."
Translation: "NO! Hang it there."

"I heard a noise."
Translation: "I noticed you were almost asleep."

"Do you love me?"
Translation: "I'm going to ask for something really expensive."

"I'll be ready in a minute."
Translation: "Kick off your shoes and find something good on TV."

"Is my butt fat?"
Translation: "Tell me I'm beautiful."

"You have to learn to communicate."
Translation: "Just agree with me."

"Are you listening to me?"
Translation: "Too late, you're dead."

"Yes."
Translation: "No."

"No."
Translation: "No!"

"Maybe."
Translation: "No."

"I'm sorry."
Translation: "You'll be sorry."

"Do you like this recipe?"
Translation: "It's easy to fix, get used to it."

"Was that the baby?"
Translation: "Get up and walk the baby back to sleep."

Special bonus: the man's guide to the woman's response to the question, "What's Wrong?"

"The same old thing."
Translation: "Nothing."

"Nothing."
Translation: "Everything."

"Everything."
Translation: "My PMS is acting up."

"Nothing, really."
Translation: "It's just that you're such a jerk."

"I don't want to talk about it."
Translation: "Go away, I'm building up steam."

And the general undercurrent of meaning to any female answer to the question, "What's wrong?":
"If you really loved me, you'd know."

Now you can all go forth and relate to each other better, knowing what we all really mean.

Of course, if you're either male or female and running for office, none of this matters, because nobody will believe anything you say, anyhow.

Have a good day. Hang in there - Cartoon Saturday is coming!

Bilbo

Translations

In her post for today, Amanda discussed a book she's been reading called The Wonder of Boys, by Michael Gurian. You can probably guess what it's about. Anyhow, while reading the book for insights into raising her two young sons, she extrapolated the information to improve her understanding of her husband.

It sounds interesting, but there appears to be a lack of information on one area crucial to an adequate understanding of men: their language. To help Amanda compensate for this unfortunate shortfall, and as a guide for all the other ladies out there who often despair of understanding their men, I offer this handy guide to the translation of common male idiomatic expressions ...

"It's a guy thing."
Translation: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Translation: "Why isn't dinner ready?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, Honey," or "Yes, Dear."
Translation: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Translation: "I have no idea how it works."

"Take a break, Honey, you're working too hard."
Translation: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, Dear."
Translation: "Are you still talking?"

"You know how bad my memory is."
Translation: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned ... but I forgot your birthday."

"Oh, don't fuss...I just cut myself. It's no big deal."
Translation: "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Translation: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Translation: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Translation: "What did you catch me at?"

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Translation: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Translation: "I make the messes; she cleans them up."

Now, before all you men out there post a bunch of angry comments, you should know that there is a another version of this translation aid which helps men understand women. Well, as much as anything can. I'll post it in a few days. For now, this should serve as a useful aid to all the wonderful ladies out there who keep us clothed, fed, and pointed in the right direction. We couldn't do it without you.

Even if we sometimes act as if we'd like to try.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Life Cycles

Authors, philosophers, and comedians have made fortunes over the years by trying to describe life and define the stages of life through which we pass. In his play As You Like It, William Shakespeare likened a person's lifespan to the seven acts of a play in this famous soliloquy ...

"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players,
They have their exits and entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms.
Then, the whining schoolboy with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress' eyebrow. Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths, and bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honour, sudden, and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon's mouth. And then the justice
In fair round belly, with good capon lin'd,
With eyes severe, and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws, and modern instances,
And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slipper'd pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose, and pouch on side,
His youthful hose well sav'd, a world too wide,
For his shrunk shank, and his big manly voice,
Turning again towards childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion,
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything."

For those with less of a literary and more cynically humorous attitude, the stages of life for men and for women can be defined by the things we do and the way we act at various ages ...

The Male Stages of Life

Favorite Drink
17 - beer
25 - beer
35 - vodka
48 - double vodka
66 - Maalox

House Pet
17 - roaches
25 - stoned-out college roommate
35 - Irish setter
48 - children from his first marriage
66 - Barbi

Seduction Line
17 - My parents are away for the weekend.
25 - My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 - My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 - My wife is away for the weekend.
66 - My second wife is dead.

Favorite Sport
17 - sex
25 - sex
35 - sex
48 - sex
66 - napping

Drug of Choice
17 - pot
25 - coke
35 - really good coke
48 - power
66 - coke, a limousine, the company jet

Definition of a Successful Date
17 - "tongue"
25 - "breakfast"
35 - "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 - "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 - "Got home alive."

Favorite Fantasy
17 - getting to third
25 - airplane sex
35 - menage a trois
48 - taking the company public
66 - Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

Ideal Age to Get Married
17 - 25
25 - 35
35 - 48
48 - 66
66 - 17

Ideal Date
17 - Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 - "Split the check before we go back to my place"
35 - "Just come over."
48 - "Just come over and cook."
66 - sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.

The Female Stages of Life

Favorite Drink
17 - Wine Coolers
25 - White wine
35 - Red wine
48 - Dom Perignon
66 - Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

Excuses for Refusing Dates
17 - Need to wash my hair
25 - Need to wash and condition my hair
35 - Need to color my hair
48 - Need to have Francois color my hair
66 - Need to have Francois color my wig

Drug of Choice
17 - shopping
25 - shopping
35 - shopping
48 - shopping
66 - shopping

Favorite Sport
17 - shopping
25 - shopping
35 - shopping
48 - shopping
66 - shopping

Favorite Fantasy
17 - tall, dark and handsome
25 - tall, dark and handsome with money
35 - tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 - a man with hair
66 - a man

Definition of a Successful Date
17 - "Burger King"
25 - "Free meal"
35 - "A diamond"
48 - "A bigger diamond"
66 - "Home Alone"

Ideal Age to Get Married
17 - 17
25 - 25
35 - 35
48 - 48
66 - 66

House Pet
17 - Muffy the cat
25 - Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 - Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48 - Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 - Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat

Ideal Date
17 - He offers to pay
25 - He pays
35 - He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 - He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 - He can chew breakfast

So, how do you define the stages of your life? Inquiring minds want to know. As for me, I think I'm at the lean and slipper'd pantaloon stage Mr Shakespeare spoke of: Spectacles? Check. Pouch on side? ... well, actually, it's in the front ... but you get the idea.

And now, I'll go and chew my breakfast. I can still do that, you know. So far.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Monday. 'Nuff Said.

It's been a long weekend.

I'm still exhausted. And I still have to go to work today. And it's Monday. AARRGGHH!!

Therefore, this will be a short post, drawn from the vast collection of truths in my collection.

Here is the difference between men and women, explained in terms of a haircut:

Women’s version:

Woman 2: Oh! You got a haircut! That’s so cute!

Woman 1: Do you think so? I wasn’t sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking?

Woman 2: Oh Lord no! No, it’s perfect. I’d love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I’m pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman 1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman 2: Oh - that’s funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman 1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men’s version:

Man 2: Haircut?

Man 1: Yeah.

And you thought this was difficult.

Speaking of difficult, it's time to get ready to go to work.

Tomorrow's post will be better, I promise.

Trust me.

Have a good day. Get a haircut. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo