Translations, Part 2

Yesterday, I offered a guide for the ladies to help them understand what men actually mean when they use common words and phrases. Today, to keep the universe in balance, we have the equivalent guide for the men out there. In her comment posted to yesterday's translation guide, Raquel said, "I would not even worry about posting the women's version. We basically say what we mean and mean what we say." Well, Raquel, I think most of us over the age of, say, six months, beg to differ. You guys who are married or "in relationships" will understand. Those of you who aren't, study hard...someday, this will all be clear...

"You want."
Translation: "You want."

"We need."
Translation: "I want."

"It's your decision."
Translation: "The correct decision should be obvious by now."

"Do what you want."
Translation: "You'll pay for this later."

"We need to talk."
Translation: "I need to complain."

"Sure, go ahead."
Translation: "I don't want you to."

"I'm not upset."
Translation: "You're damn right I'm upset."

"I'm not yelling!"
Translation: "You're damn right I'm yelling!"

"You're so manly."
Translation: "You need a shave and you sweat a lot."

"You're certainly attentive tonight."
Translation: "Is sex all you ever think about?"

"I'm not emotional and I'm not overreacting."
Translation: "I'm on my period."

"Be romantic, turn out the lights."
Translation: "I have ugly thighs."

"This kitchen is so inconvenient."
Translation: "I want a new house."

"I want new curtains."
Translation: "...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper."

"I need wedding shoes."
Translation: "The other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white."

"Hang the picture there."
Translation: "NO! Hang it there."

"I heard a noise."
Translation: "I noticed you were almost asleep."

"Do you love me?"
Translation: "I'm going to ask for something really expensive."

"I'll be ready in a minute."
Translation: "Kick off your shoes and find something good on TV."

"Is my butt fat?"
Translation: "Tell me I'm beautiful."

"You have to learn to communicate."
Translation: "Just agree with me."

"Are you listening to me?"
Translation: "Too late, you're dead."

"Yes."
Translation: "No."

"No."
Translation: "No!"

"Maybe."
Translation: "No."

"I'm sorry."
Translation: "You'll be sorry."

"Do you like this recipe?"
Translation: "It's easy to fix, get used to it."

"Was that the baby?"
Translation: "Get up and walk the baby back to sleep."

Special bonus: the man's guide to the woman's response to the question, "What's Wrong?"

"The same old thing."
Translation: "Nothing."

"Nothing."
Translation: "Everything."

"Everything."
Translation: "My PMS is acting up."

"Nothing, really."
Translation: "It's just that you're such a jerk."

"I don't want to talk about it."
Translation: "Go away, I'm building up steam."

And the general undercurrent of meaning to any female answer to the question, "What's wrong?":
"If you really loved me, you'd know."

Now you can all go forth and relate to each other better, knowing what we all really mean.

Of course, if you're either male or female and running for office, none of this matters, because nobody will believe anything you say, anyhow.

Have a good day. Hang in there - Cartoon Saturday is coming!

Bilbo