Life Cycles

Authors, philosophers, and comedians have made fortunes over the years by trying to describe life and define the stages of life through which we pass. In his play As You Like It, William Shakespeare likened a person's lifespan to the seven acts of a play in this famous soliloquy ...

"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players,
They have their exits and entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms.
Then, the whining schoolboy with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress' eyebrow. Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths, and bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honour, sudden, and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon's mouth. And then the justice
In fair round belly, with good capon lin'd,
With eyes severe, and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws, and modern instances,
And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slipper'd pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose, and pouch on side,
His youthful hose well sav'd, a world too wide,
For his shrunk shank, and his big manly voice,
Turning again towards childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion,
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything."

For those with less of a literary and more cynically humorous attitude, the stages of life for men and for women can be defined by the things we do and the way we act at various ages ...

The Male Stages of Life

Favorite Drink
17 - beer
25 - beer
35 - vodka
48 - double vodka
66 - Maalox

House Pet
17 - roaches
25 - stoned-out college roommate
35 - Irish setter
48 - children from his first marriage
66 - Barbi

Seduction Line
17 - My parents are away for the weekend.
25 - My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 - My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 - My wife is away for the weekend.
66 - My second wife is dead.

Favorite Sport
17 - sex
25 - sex
35 - sex
48 - sex
66 - napping

Drug of Choice
17 - pot
25 - coke
35 - really good coke
48 - power
66 - coke, a limousine, the company jet

Definition of a Successful Date
17 - "tongue"
25 - "breakfast"
35 - "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 - "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 - "Got home alive."

Favorite Fantasy
17 - getting to third
25 - airplane sex
35 - menage a trois
48 - taking the company public
66 - Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

Ideal Age to Get Married
17 - 25
25 - 35
35 - 48
48 - 66
66 - 17

Ideal Date
17 - Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 - "Split the check before we go back to my place"
35 - "Just come over."
48 - "Just come over and cook."
66 - sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.

The Female Stages of Life

Favorite Drink
17 - Wine Coolers
25 - White wine
35 - Red wine
48 - Dom Perignon
66 - Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

Excuses for Refusing Dates
17 - Need to wash my hair
25 - Need to wash and condition my hair
35 - Need to color my hair
48 - Need to have Francois color my hair
66 - Need to have Francois color my wig

Drug of Choice
17 - shopping
25 - shopping
35 - shopping
48 - shopping
66 - shopping

Favorite Sport
17 - shopping
25 - shopping
35 - shopping
48 - shopping
66 - shopping

Favorite Fantasy
17 - tall, dark and handsome
25 - tall, dark and handsome with money
35 - tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 - a man with hair
66 - a man

Definition of a Successful Date
17 - "Burger King"
25 - "Free meal"
35 - "A diamond"
48 - "A bigger diamond"
66 - "Home Alone"

Ideal Age to Get Married
17 - 17
25 - 25
35 - 35
48 - 48
66 - 66

House Pet
17 - Muffy the cat
25 - Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 - Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48 - Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 - Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat

Ideal Date
17 - He offers to pay
25 - He pays
35 - He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 - He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 - He can chew breakfast

So, how do you define the stages of your life? Inquiring minds want to know. As for me, I think I'm at the lean and slipper'd pantaloon stage Mr Shakespeare spoke of: Spectacles? Check. Pouch on side? ... well, actually, it's in the front ... but you get the idea.

And now, I'll go and chew my breakfast. I can still do that, you know. So far.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo