Gee, Whiz!

As you know, Dear Readers, ol’ Bilbo does not flinch from bringing you the most interesting and useful of information, without regard to the boundaries of … well … good taste. In the past we have reported on the properties and use of toilet paper around the world, the Poo2Loo movement in India, which is trying to teach Indians not to defecate in public, and – earlier this week – a summary of everything you ever wanted to know about bathroom behavior. What’s left?, you wonder.

Funny you should ask.

Upon reading the bathroom behavior post, my daughter forwarded to me this very interesting* article from Modernfarmer.com: Can Human Urine Replace Chemical Fertilizers?

The article discusses the activities of the Rich Earth Institute of Brattleboro, Vermont, which encourages the use of urine as a natural replacement for chemical fertilizers. The Institute’s website notes that Americans produce some 30 billion gallons of urine each year, with each person’s individual contribution containing some 5 kilograms of usable fertilizer. The Institute further observes that instead of harnessing the potential of this resource, we use 1.2 trillion gallons of drinkable water to flush it away. They have a goal of collecting 6,000 gallons of donated urine for testing purposes in the coming year.

Other cultures are evidently more in tune with this effort than are we. Many cultures have collected and spread “night soil”** as fertilizer for thousands of years, and Sweden has introduced high-tech toilets which divert urine to holding tanks for later collection and use as fertilizer. In America, though, the ick factor may be difficult for many to overcome***.

Not all, though. I remember that one of my father’s attempts to scare deer away from his tomato garden involved requiring us during each visit to urinate into jars, which he then arranged scientifically among the potted tomato plants. The theory was that the deer would smell the odor of humans and seek sustenance elsewhere … the reality was that it didn’t do much to discourage the deer after the first 24 hours, although it did seem to divert the attention of door-to-door salesmen and itinerant religious proselytizers.

The theory of using human urine as fertilizer appears to be sound, but there are some drawbacks besides that “ick factor” … not the least of which is the presence of pharmaceutical residue⁺ that might contaminate the soil. According to the article, the EPA has selected Rich Earth for funding to conduct a study of residual drugs in urine, with the help of the University of Michigan and SUNY Buffalo.

So …

Stop just being the middleman between beer and the potty … collect that valuable liquid for future use. There’s a reason it’s golden in color, after all.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Well, "interesting" is a subjective term, I suppose.

** Don’t ask.

*** Even considering that we watch Faux News and listen to people like Ted Cruz.

⁺ That would be drugs, prescription and otherwise.

Bird Watching

You may not have noticed in all the news about the conservative victory in the recently-concluded British elections that another election of consequence was also held in Britain at the same time. Yes, Dear Readers, along with the selection of a ruling party, British subjects also flocked (sorry) to the polls to vote for a new National Bird to replace the Robin*. Possible candidates included the Barn Owl, the Puffin, the Wren, the Red Kite, and the Blue Tit**.

This is not a trivial issue. National symbols - particularly birds and animals - play an important role in defining the character of a nation. Russia has the Bear and China the Dragon, for example. America's national bird is, of course, the Bald Eagle - known for its majestic stature, stately soaring, and stern gaze.

Benjamin Franklin favored the wild turkey as a more suitable symbol, but - perhaps fortunately - he lost out in the voting. Today, the Wild Turkey is less often invoked as a symbol than imbibed as a way of minimizing the pain of watching the ludicrous antics of our elected reprehensives. If we were going to select a replacement for the bald eagle as the national bird, we might as well select the bird most often seen in current social and political discourse  ...

There are other possible replacements for the national bird, should we choose to go down that path. We might nominate the Common Loon, the Booby, or the Nuthatch in honor of Ted Cruz, Ben Carson, Mike Huckabee, and some of the other less-desirable GOP presidential hopefuls ... all of whom are clearly for the birds. From the GOP perspective, I'm sure that there are those who might select the Bat in honor of Hillary Clinton or the Coot for Bernie Sanders. And in honor of anti-vaccination zealots, religious bigots, and those who reject proven science on issues, we could perhaps go with the ostrich ...

What are your suggestions? Should we replace the Bald Eagle as the national bird? If so, with what? And what might be an appropriate national animal? Leave a comment and let the rest of us know what you think.

I think you'll have a good day ... after all, a little bird told me.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Why the Robin when they could have had the Batman?

** Please, no jokes about witches' bosoms and brass bras.

Don't Take This Sitting Down

Last year I attempted to broaden your perspectives on human behavior by describing the rules by which men select which urinal to use in public restrooms. If you somehow missed that post, you can review it here. And if you want to know everything else about human bathroom behavior, look no further - here is is, in an article by Clint Rainey from New York Magazine titled (of course) "Everything We Know About Human Bathroom Behavior."

You can learn:

- How men and women choose their stall or urinal. Yes, it's not only men who have unwritten rules about where to relieve themselves. About all we don't do is circle the right spot three or four times before doing our business.

- The science of urination and the rules which govern how men pee. Studies show that putting a fly decal on the urinal can reduce ... uh ... spillage by as much as 80 percent.

- How people behave in bathroom stalls. This is very interesting, because one of the points made in the article is that many people like to conduct business while doing their business. I can tell you from personal observation that a great many overly personal cell phone conversations are conducted in Pentagon men's rooms by people who seem to believe that Maxwell Smart's cone of silence descends upon them when the door closes.

- How people use toilet paper. There's more to it than Sears catalogs, corncobs, and arguing over whether the roll should be mounted for over or under access.

And much, much more.

Don't say I never provide you with useful information you can whip out when the conversation slows down at parties.

Have a good day. Learn the science and etiquette of appropriate elimination, which will serve you in good stead during election season.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Poetry Sunday - This Week on Monday!

Yesterday was Mothers' Day, which is why the Poetry Sunday offering is appearing on Monday. Did you call or visit your mother yesterday? You should have. Take it from me ... a day will come when you'll wish you had. The same goes for your grandmother, because she has a lot still to teach you ...

My Grandparents' Generation 

by Faith Shearin

They are taking so many things with them:
their sewing machines and fine china,
their ability to fold a newspaper
with one hand and swat a fly.
They are taking their rotary telephones,
and fat televisions, and knitting needles,
their cast iron frying pans, and Tupperware.
They are packing away the picnics
and perambulators, the wagons
and church socials. They are wrapped in
lipstick and big band music, dressed
in recipes. Buried with them: bathtubs
with feet, front porches, dogs without leashes.
These are the people who raised me
and now I am left behind in
a world without paper letters,
a place where the phone
has grown as eager as a weed.
I am going to miss their attics,
their ordinary coffee, their chicken
fried in lard. I would give anything
to be ten again, up late with them
in that cottage by the river, buying
Marvin Gardens and passing go,
collecting two hundred dollars.

It's sometimes frightening to think that I'm the grandparent, and that there are a lot of things I know and have experienced that my grandchildren will never know or experience outside of a museum. Geez, sometimes I feel like a fossil ...

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Mothers' Day, 2015

This is the eighth year that I have slightly revised and updated my traditional Mothers' Day post. It may be recycled and tweaked, but it comes no less from the heart. If you've read it before, just know that everything still applies ... read it again if you like, or come back tomorrow for a Monday edition of Poetry Sunday.

Today is Mothers' Day, the one day each year we set aside to honor the lady we undervalue the other 364. It's the day we remember the person who made our hurts better, explained our homework, cooked our meals, washed our clothes, drove us where we needed to go, warned us about our less-savory acquaintances, embarrassed us in front of our friends, and did her best to point us down the straight line of a moral and upright life.

Mothers are the wonderful and woefully underappreciated people from whom the Army and the Navy stole their one-time recruiting slogans - the Army's "We do more before 9 AM than most people do all day," and the Navy's "It's not just a job, it's an adventure." With all due respect to Soldiers and Sailors everywhere ... you don't have a clue.

Somewhere in my web surfing I found this little riff on how we look at our Mothers at different ages:

Age 4: Mommy can do anything!
Age 8: Mom knows a lot!
Age 12: Mother doesn't know everything.
Age 14: Mother doesn't know anything.
Age 16: Mother is so old-fashioned.
Age 18: Her? She's out of it.
Age 25: Mom might know something about that.
Age 35: Before we decide, let's ask Mom.
Age 45: What would Mom have thought about that?
Age 65: I wish I could talk that over with Mom.

It's true.

My mother passed away fourteen years ago at the far-too-young age of 74. She spent a long and honorable life raising four children who, I like to think, made her proud ... most of the time, anyway. And in her twilight years, her once-formidable mind ravaged by Alzheimer's Disease, she missed much of the result of her love and care and sacrifice - a son who can dance (and who may yet write that book she thought he had in him, instead of a daily blog), a small army of grandchildren, and six beautiful great-grandchildren who will never know her love and wisdom and the off-the-wall sense of humor* that brightened the lives of everyone who knew her.

The next generation of Mothers is moving the family forward. My beloved daughter Yasmin and the best daughter-in-law in the world, Tabitha, between them are raising the world's six greatest grandchildren (Marcy, Joe, Noah, Leya, Elise, and Ava). And someday those wonderful grandchildren will sit down on Mothers' Day and reflect - just as their grandpa does today - on the marvelous, magical lady who gave up so much of her own life and dreams to make them who they are.

And so again this year, I wish my own Agnes, Yasmin and Tabitha, my sister Lisa and sisters-in-law Laura and Brenda, fellow bloggers Amanda and Fiona, Chrissy, Kathy, my dear friend Lioudmila, and all the other mothers out there doing the world's toughest job, a very happy Mothers' Day and many more to come. We couldn't be what we are, or do what we do, without you.

Take the time today to give your Mother a hug and a kiss. Someday, you'll wish you had.

And lest you think I'm getting too maudlin about the whole thing, here's a picture from long ago of my Dad with four then and future moms: my daughter Yasmin, my sister Lisa, Agnes, and my mother ...

We're an odd family, but somehow we've turned out all right ... more or less. Good parents will do that to you.

Happy Mothers' Day! Come back tomorrow for Poetry ... Monday.

Bilbo

* Every time you groan at one of my puns, you should be grateful that you never had to deal with Mom ...

Cartoon Saturday

It's hard to believe, but we're already two weeks into May ... and the news isn't getting any better.

In an interview with CNN reporters, a senior representative of the government of North Korea said that the Hermit Kingdom would not hesitate to use nuclear weapons if the United States "forced their hand;": the Pentagon has assured nervous Texans inflamed by Internet rumors that a series of military exercises called Jade Helm 15 are not part of a heinous plot to seize control of the state and infringe on their rights; a federal appeals court in New York on Thursday ruled that a once-secret National Security Agency program to systematically collect Americans’ phone records in bulk is illegal; in Anne Arundel County, a Maryland suburb of Washington, DC, an off-duty county police officer was arrested for biting a man’s testicles in a fight outside a bar on Cinco de Mayo; and GOP presidential hopeful Jeb Bush, speaking at a private meeting in Manhattan, cited his brother and former president George W. Bush as one of his main advisors on the Middle East ... you may now run screaming in terror.

I need something to get my mind off the mental images of someone biting someone else's testicles in a bar fight and George W. Bush as an advisor on Middle East policy, so let's get to the cartoons right away. This week, in honor of the men and women who serve with dedication and devotion as the sand in the gears of our legal system, our theme cartoons are dedicated to lawyers ...

Sometimes you need to be careful about being judged by a jury of your peers ...

By the way, I know that the word thug is no longer considered politically correct, even when applied to thugs, but that's just too bad.

Trust a good lawyer to put the right spin on a difficult situation ...

Quality legal advice is a great deal more expensive than you might think ... 

How it all began ...

We talked about "justice" the other day in this space ... it must be nice to be rich enough to be able to afford the platinum-plus level of legal service, rather than an underpaid and overworked public defender ...

They must be competitors of the classic law firm, Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe ...

Lawyers aren't the only professions that lend themselves to jokes ...

That's how it would probably work for me ... 

The people have spoken ... but is anyone listening? ...

And finally, the ultimate answer to the question, "Where's Waldo?" ... 

That last cartoon reminds me of the time I was accosted by a small army of Disney workers when we visited Disney world with our grandchildren last summer ... they were all shouting, "Look! Here he is! It's Waldo ... we've found him!!" ...

And that's it for this week's edition of Cartoon Saturday. It looks like it's going to be a beautiful day here in NoVa ... I'll be spending the morning visiting the local grandchildren, and then plan to go into the city to the Library of Congress and get my Reader's Identification Card, followed by general wandering around and taking pictures, and ending with running errands.

'Tis an exciting life I lead, what?

Have a good day and a great weekend. Come back tomorrow for a special Mothers' Day post. Poetry Sunday will appear on Monday.

Bilbo

The Right Cheek Ass Clown of the Month for May, 2015

How quickly time passes! It seems like only two weeks ago we were dishonoring our Left Cheek Ass Clown for April, and now it's time to turn the page on the calendar and shine the spotlight of shame on the Right Cheek Ass Clown for May. Tempus is really fugiting, as my mother used to say.

As always, there is no lack of potential awardees, and it's always difficult to make a choice. But it has to be done, and so it is with a suitably flatulent fanfare that we introduce

The Right Cheek Ass Clown for May, 2015

Texas State Representative Molly White

Representative White, according to a news report last month, refused to meet with her constituents who would be most affected by legislation she has proposed. According to her staff, such a meeting "would be a waste of time."

The constituents with whom Representative White refused to meet represented the interests of Texas LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgendered) citizens, who wished to express concern about legislation she had proposed that would allow businesses to refuse to serve customers on religious grounds. She has also proposed legislation seeking to make the state’s ban on same-sex marriage immune from court rulings, and has instructed her staff to make Muslims visiting her office declare their allegiance to the United States.

Representative White's chief of staff told a newspaper that “I conveyed (to the people seeking an audience with Her Eminence) that the representative has stances on some issues and that she isn’t likely to change her mind on them. We try to be a transparent office and I told them that they needed to meet with individuals that shared their viewpoint.”

"They needed to meet with individuals that shared their viewpoint.” Since when do elected officials represent only people they agree with?

According to Janet Adamski, a political science professor at the University of Mary Hardin-Baylor, lawmakers are not required to meet with their constituents, but refusing to talk to a constituent because he or she does not share or respect their views is poor behavior for an elected representative, who has been - after all - elected to serve all the people of his or her district - not just those with whom he or she agrees.

Perhaps Representative White would feel differently if those constituents could compensate for their offending points of view with something with which she feels more comfortable ... like enormous campaign contributions, for instance.

For her complete ignorance of the responsibilities of an elected representative to all of her constituents, not just those of whom she approves, and for the self-righteous imposition of her religious values on others in flagrant violation of the Constitution, Texas state representative Molly White is designated our Right Cheek Ass Clown for May, 2015.

Have a good day. Expect better from your elected representatives, and send them packing when you don't get it.

Which, any more, you probably won't.

See you tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday.

Bilbo

Guest Post

Hi! It’s me again, Clara … you know, Bilbo and Agnes’s granddog (that’s a joke, you know, right?).

You might remember that I dropped by a few weeks back to introduce myself and give a bit of canine perspective on things. Now I’m back, and I have a funny story to tell you about the night Bilbo and I slept together.

Last weekend, Bilbo’s daughter and her family were out of town, and she needed someone to watch Lucy the cat and I. The last time, I stayed with Bilbo and Agnes at their house, but this time they decided that I was a little too energetic to visit there, so they decided to come down to their daughter’s house and stay with us. Because they both had a lot of things to do that weekend, they decided to split things up … Agnes stayed with us on Friday night and Bilbo stayed with us on Saturday night. This was okay with us, because as long as the water dish is full and there’s plenty of food and toys and long walks (for me ... for Lucy, not so much), we’re good.

So anyway, Bilbo came down on Saturday afternoon to stay with us. It was a really nice day, and he took me for a long walk so I could bark at squirrels and laugh at the dogs who weren’t allowed out and had to bark at me from their windows. We had a nice dinner and watched television (Bilbo let me lie on the couch with my head in his lap, while Lucy lay on the arm of the couch on the other side, so it was nice.) I just wish he’d have watched something with more dogs in it. Every so often I got up and climbed on him and licked the back of his neck to remind him.

Well, about 10:30 or so we went to bed. I know that Bilbo usually sleeps with Agnes, so he should be used to someone sharing his bed with him, but you wouldn’t know that from the way he behaved! He got into bed, and I right away laid down between his legs, which was a nice, snug, warm spot. He tried to make me move, but I was comfortable and didn't feel like moving, so he finally gave up and tried to go to sleep. Over the next few hours, I gradually moved up a little bit at a time until I was lying on his chest with my head on his shoulder. It was nice and comfortable, and listening to his heartbeat helped me to sleep, but for some reason he didn’t seem to like it as much as I did. I think he thought I was too heavy or something*. Go figure! He kept trying to push me off, but I’m pretty solid**, so I wasn’t going anywhere!

After a while, it started getting a little chilly in the room. I feel things like that, you know, because we pit bulls don’t have a lot of long hair to keep us warm. So I decided it was time to move. I licked Bilbo’s chin a few times to make sure he was awake and knew what I was doing, and then I burrowed my way under the covers next to him and snuggled up so that we could keep each other warm. It wasn't a three-dog night, so we managed just fine. Well, I did, anyway. Bilbo was complaining that he was too warm, but what does he know about it?

Bilbo usually tries to sleep late on the weekends because he gets up so early during the week to write his blog and go to work, but for some reason he got up really early on Sunday morning. I was nice and toasty warm, so I stayed in bed under the covers for a while before I figured it was time to get up and remind him about things like breakfast and morning walks. He might have forgotten, otherwise.

So we had a nice visit. Lucy sniffed around and considered joining us in bed during the night, but she decided to sleep somewhere else. That's fine with me ... Lucy's okay as cats go, but for real nighttime companionship, you just can't beat a dog!

Well, I guess that's all for now. It's not easy typing with paws, so I need to pace myself.

As Bilbo would say, have a good day. He'll be back tomorrow with more of his own thoughts, and I'll visit again from time to time when I have something to share.

Arf!

Clara

* But he's too much of a gentleman to tell a girl she's too heavy.

** Bilbo says I'm just one big muscle, which is pretty much true. You don't want to mess with me!

With Justice for Some

If you’ve been following the events in Baltimore over the last few weeks, you know that things are still tense. There has been a tremendous groundswell of calls demanding justice for Freddie Gray, the black man whose death while in police custody touched off an orgy of violence, looting, and arson.

The death of anyone, of any color, is a tragedy, and if that death was caused intentionally, or by ineptitude or malfeasance on the part of the police, those responsible need to be brought to justice.

But what seems to me to be lost in this whole thing is that Freddie Gray isn’t the only person who deserves justice.

Who is demanding justice for the police officers who were injured by rioters?

Who is demanding justice for the merchants whose stores were looted and burned?

Who is demanding justice for the persons whose cars were torched?

And who is looking out for justice for the six Baltimore police officers who have been charged in Mr Gray’s death?

It appears that what many people in Baltimore want is not justice, but vengeance. The six police officers who have been charged in Mr Gray's death will not, and cannot get a fair trial. They have already been tried, convicted, and sentenced in the media and the court of public opinion. It’s pretty clear from listening to the superheated rhetoric coming from Baltimore that if any of them are acquitted or perceived to receive an insufficiently severe punishment, the riots will start again and will likely be worse.

This is not justice. This is extortion by mob rule. It is irresponsible rhetoric spouted by ignorant people and political grandstanders uninterested in justice ... only in individual aggrandizement and the pursuit of personal agendas.

Justice has left the building.

Have a good day. Consider this definition of justice: "the use of power as appointed by law, honor or standards to support fair treatment and due reward*."

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* http://www.yourdictionary.com/justice

Post Number Three Thousand!

Yes, Dear Readers, today marks my three thousandth post, so I hope you'll pardon me if I engage in a bit of self-congratulatory boasting.

I thought I'd celebrate this milestone by talking a little bit about the history of my blog, and putting up links to what I think are some of my better posts ... some of which are a bit older and you may not have seen if you're relatively new to my little corner of the blogosphere.

It all began on Wednesday, March 8, 2006 with my first post. It wasn't much, but it was my first attempt, and things sort of grew from there. I actually started the blog because I'd gotten into an online discussion group with my friend Jake and his friends ... but it soon became obvious that I was not nearly conservative enough for them, and it was gently suggested* that I might be happier going off on my own. And so I did.

As you know, I'm interested in lots of different things, so I've never found myself in danger of not having something to write about. I knew from the start that I'd probably piss off everybody at one time or another, but I also knew that this was my chance to say what I think ... and there are about feensky-zillion other blogs out there for those who decide I'm not their cup of tea. I've bounced from politics to photography to language to satire to books and music to ... well ... whatever. And I'm glad you've decided to come along for the ride.

I don't remember when the first official Cartoon Saturday appeared, but it quickly became one of my most popular recurring topics. I have a collection of cartoons numbering in the thousands, so I figured I might as well put them to use. And thanks to all of you who have e-mailed me great cartoons you've found.

The Poetry Sunday theme is a fairly recent addition ... I enjoy poetry, and this gave me an opportunity to seek out new poems, remember old ones, and share them with you.

I love reading and writing, words and language, and so my biweekly theme of Great Moments in Editing was a natural addition. I've collected many hundreds of them on my own, and many of you have also sent me some ones that you've seen ... additions to the collection are always welcome.

Probably my most popular feature after Cartoon Saturday has been my Ass Clown award series. It started out as an occasional award back in 2011 at the suggestion of Faithful Reader Chrissy (whose own blog has since gone dark, sadly), then went to monthly, and has now settled on a biweekly schedule, alternating on Fridays with Great Moments in Editing. It was my friend and fellow blogger John who suggested the name that now graces the awards: "Left Cheek" and "Right Cheek." In the event of a month with enough Fridays for a third award, we'll punt. You can read my first Ass Clown Award, presented to Donald Trump, here (scroll to the end of the post to find it).

I also (pats self on back) developed my proposal for the five-level National Stupidity Condition, or DUMBCON, modeled on the military's system of "defense conditions." I first published it in 2009 and have since revised it twice, adding a sixth and a seventh level to accommodate the ever-rising level of national stupidity. We are now at DUMBCON Minus One ("Forget It ... Just Hide Under Your Bed"), and have been there since October 15th, 2013.

Here are a few more of my personal favorite posts ...

Don't Dig Here! (September 1, 2007)

The Ways We'll Be Remembered (November 15, 2009)

The Things We Leave Behind (August 2, 2012)

What If Nobody Ever Forgets? (December 17, 2006)

My Title's Better Than Your Title (March 15, 2008)

Coats of Arms (March 23, 2009).

A Parable About a Parking Space (September 28, 2007)

I'm glad that you've decided to visit me, and that so many of you have stuck with reading my random thoughts for so long. There are, after all, millions of other blogs out there you can choose to read (some of my favorites are linked over on the right of this page), and I'm grateful you've chosen to come here. I'm pleased to have actually met some of you - such as Mike, Peggy, and Buggie, and have exchanged letters (real, actual, ink-on paper letters!) with Amanda, alanwoodhaven, Andrea, Fiona, and Linda Kay, among many others**. One of these days, Andrea and I will meet for coffee on one of our trips up to Pittsburgh ... the previous attempt fell through, but we'll make it happen before long!

And so, Dear Readers, thanks again for helping me make it to post number 3,000. I hope I can keep it interesting enough that you'll still be with me when we hit 4,000 and beyond!

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* I seem to remember that the words "Get lost!!" were involved.

** Not including Mike, who has made it a point of honor to not write back.