Airline 1, Bilbo 0

Well, I'm back from my trip to lovely Colorado Springs. On balance it was a successful trip: on the way there, my bag and I arrived on the same flight, which arrived a few minutes early; my meeting was interesting and worthwhile; and on the way home, my bag and I once again arrived on the same flight, which arrived only about 15 minutes late (which, according to the airlines, counts as being on time).

But of course, that's not the whole story.

Back in the early days of flying (as much as a year ago), you received a paper ticket consisting of about 56 pages, of which only a few actually allowed you to fly...the others were covered front and back with disclaimers printed in .007 pitch font that explained that the airline wasn't really guaranteeing you anything. Nowadays, of course, you get a single printed boarding pass from a machine; the pass is printed only on one side; and you have to go to the airline's website to access the 56 pages of disclaimers.

This is called progress.

After years of flying, I have managed to identify most of the information applicable to me which was contained in those 56 pages. Here are the most significant items:

1. If an aircraft has 32 rows of seats, Bilbo will be seated in row 32. If row 32 is already full, he will be seated in row 31.

2. Bilbo will always be seated next to an individual the size of a harbor tug.

3. If there are three seats in the row, Bilbo will be seated in the center seat between two individuals the size of harbor tugs.

4. If the boarding is done by groups, Bilbo will always be included in the last group to board, to ensure that there is no more space available for his carryon in overhead bins or under seats.

5. If the boarding is done by rows from back to front, people seated in rows at the rear of the aircraft will have put their carryon bags in the overhead bins at the front of the aircraft so they won't have to worry there won't be any space left in the back when they get there.

6. If the rules say passengers may have one carryon and "one small personal item," at least 50% of the passengers will try to wedge suitcases the size of an upright piano into the bins, blocking the aisles as they do, and refusing all entreaties from airline personnel to check said suitcases with the rest of the baggage.

7. Airline seats - designed by Gestapo professionals - are cleverly made to ensure that the arthritis in my neck will have reduced me to sobbing, stiff-necked agony by the time I'm done scrunching away from my seatmates the size of harbor tugs.

There's more, but you get the idea.

I also had the delightful gate-change experience at Dallas-Fort Worth Airport yesterday afternoon...I was booked on a 1:05 flight to Washington Reagan Airport, departing from DFW's gate C-26. At 12:40, the agent at the gate announced that our flight was on time...and had just been changed to gate D-31. Now, you might think that a change from terminal C to terminal D wouldn't be so bad...after all, it's only one letter, right? Well, it's actually quite some distance, and requires a train ride to get there. I joined the frantic, thundering stampede of Washington passengers scrambling to get to the new terminal, and we came racing up to the gate...just in time for the announcement that the incoming flight had just arrived and wasn't at the gate yet, and that it would be at least 1/2 hour before we would be able to begin boarding.

And I ended up in seat 31A (window), right next to a very pleasant, but very huge fellow who took up about a quarter of my seat in addition to his own.

Let me just say that I'm glad to be home, and am not looking forward to flying again.


Have a good day. Take a bus. More thoughts tomorrow, on Cartoon Saturday.

Bilbo

Georgia On My Mind...

Greetings from Colorado Springs, Colorado. The weather is beautiful, the mountains are beautiful, the people are friendly, and my grouchy, elderly laptop petulantly refuses to connect to the Blogger system, so I am making use of the business center at the hotel to get this post out. The business center, unlike my room, does not have a window offering a view of Pike's Peak and the Front Range of the Rockies, so I am also grouchy.

Not that you care, of course.

As long as I'm feeling grouchy, let's talk about Georgia. No, not the one in the southern US, I mean the one the Russians have been beating up on for the last week or so.

I hope the next time Mr Bush has the opportunity to look into the soul of some other world leader, he'll do a better job of soul-reading than he did with Mr Putin of Russia. I also hope he recognizes that his arrogant and stupid foreign policies have - in my humble opinion - helped bring us to the point that an ally - Georgia - which is the third largest contributor of troops to the "coalition" in Iraq after the US and Britain, can be attacked with impunity by a Russia which is making a point about its treatment by the US government.

Don't get me wrong...I don't think there's any justification for what the Russians are doing in Georgia...it's just pure great-power bullying. But I think it's perfectly clear that they are sending a message about how they have been pushed aside and their perceived security interests ignored by an American administration bent on flexing its muscles and doing exactly what it wants. They are using the same language and the same justifications for their actions that Mr Bush used in going to war in Iraq. They are putting us on notice that they are still a world power to be reckoned with, if only because they have nukes and lots of oil (which are two good reasons, anyhow).

The chickens are coming home to roost, the next president will have to clean out the coop, and I just don't think either Mr McCain or Mr Obama are up to it.

Good luck, Georgia.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

The Day of the Stupid Pun

My posting will be a little erratic for the next few days (how will you know, you ask, ha-ha). This morning I have a lot to do before leaving for work, and early tomorrow morning I'll be flying out to Colorado Springs for a conference. I'll be back home Thursday evening. So I'll be posting from on-the-road, and hopefully my elderly, creaking laptop will cooperate.

For this morning, inspired by Mike's litany (in post 503) of the "jobs" he's held, here is a compilation of some of the most horrible groaner puns and dumb jokes I've heard in a while. Enjoy...

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

(The next few are samples of the 'A ___ walked into a bar, and ...' school of humor)...

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'' The doctor says, 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common?', the man asks. The doctor replies, well, 'It's Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you, ' says Dolly. 'It's true, no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. (My favorite!) DejaMoo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week and danced so hard I pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says 'Dam!'.

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because' he said, 'I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and resulted in bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Have a good day. Tomorrow's post will be up later in the day, because I'm flying out so early in the morning...more thoughts once I'm settled at the hotel.

Bilbo

The Periodic Table of Awesoments

I found this absolutely amazing thing this morning courtesy of Miss Cellania - Dapperstache's Periodic Table of Awesoments. You can follow the link to see it in its natural state, or view it below (click on the image to blow it up to a readable size) so you can follow my rambling commentary...


Like the Periodic Table of the Elements, which I studied in high school and then again in college before crashing on the rocks of calculus and switching to Linguistics, Dapperstache's table seeks to establish ranges of characteristics and relationships among the "118 fundamental awesoments that compose all good things."

Now, I might have noted some of the things he either included in (William Shatner, awesoment #55) or omitted from (Feminine Arm Hair) the table, but that's just quibbling over a major contribution to our understanding of the world around us. It explains the reason that such forces of nature as Chuck Norris (awesoment #11), Giant Squids (awesoment #60), and Boobs (awesoment #13) exist and relate to each other. I think I might have ended up a chemist instead of a useless, droning blogger if the periodic table I had to study had been as interesting and useful as this one.

So, anyhow, check out Dapperstache's table and draw your own conclusions about what makes the world an awesome place.

It surely isn't the Olympics, the election season, or Bud Light, after all.

Congratulations to Dapperstache on a great idea, well executed.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Cartoon Saturday

Yes, once again it's Cartoon Saturday. I don't know about you, but this week I can surely use a laugh. Let's get started...

Sometimes, you just can't figure what one person sees in another. And other times...

We all know the saying "Justice is Blind," but it took Frank and Ernest to make me understand what it really meant...

One of the greatest lines from the old "Cheers" television show was when one of the characters mournfully commented, "It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearin' Milk Bone underwear." I understand dogs, especially old ones, and especially nowadays...

Everyone is looking for innovative ways to save gas. I liked this one...


And I just couldn't resist this old dance cartoon...

Have a good weekend. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Of Olympics and Firewalls

The summer Olympics of 2008 are now underway in Beijing (at least, I think they are...I always get confused by that International Date Line thing). The athletes are there (at least, the ones that were politically safe enough to get visas), the journalists are there (at least, the ones who have agreed to play by the rules), and tens of thousands of security people are there (to defend against terrorists, criminals, demonstrators, and those who would spit on the street).

For good or ill, it's China's time to shine. How much tarnish is on that shine will be pretty much up to the Chinese government. No one can argue that China hasn't pulled out all the stops to try and put on a fabulous event, just as any nation does when it sponsors the Olympic games...but for China, this is a particularly important event because - as every news report in the last six months reminds us - it's their opportunity to show the rest of the world that China has "arrived on the world stage."

The massive construction effort has transformed old Beijing, and the vast social reeducation of the population (be polite, don't demonstrate, don't spit on the street, take English lessons, etc) has aimed to produce the face of the "harmonious society" the Chinese government wants to show the world. How well it will all work remains to be seen.

There was a very interesting article by John Kamm in yesterday's Washington Post titled "Blinded by the Firewall: Why the Chinese Think the World Loves China" that is worth reading. The article summarizes the results of surveys by the Pew Research Center that looked at perceptions of China on the part of the Chinese, and on the part of persons in other countries. Those results are instructive for understanding modern China and why the Chinese act and react the way they do.

The key quote from the article is this: "Essentially, the people of China think twice as many people in the world like their country as actually do. This isn't a gap; it's a chasm. And the information bubble around the Chinese people explains a lot."

While China's government is far less draconian than in times past, it is still rigidly authoritarian and intent on maintaining the ruling primacy of the Chinese Communist Party. One way of ensuring that primacy is the control and manipulation of the information the Chinese people receive about the world around them. From state management of news broadcasts to the massive filtering of the internet known as "The Great Firewall of China," the Chinese people are exposed to a highly skewed view of the world that in turn skews their perception of how the rest of the world thinks of China. The result, Mr Kamm's article suggests, is the frequent outbursts of jingoistic national pride at the least suggestion that China might be in the wrong on any issue. Americans have come to grips with the sad fact that our image in much of the rest of the world has been badly damaged by the present administration, and there's widespread recognition that we need to fix that problem. The average Chinese person, on the other hand, has no idea that China is anything but wholeheartedly loved and admired by the rest of the world...and any hint that it isn't is despicable anti-Chinese agitation aimed at "humiliating" China and keeping it from its rightful place in the modern world.

Read the article - it gives you a useful perspective on modern China, and will open your eyes to the danger of over-management of the news and the pernicious effects of hearing only what someone wants you to hear. And it bears out Bilbo's First Law - don't let anyone do your thinking for you.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

And the Rant Goes On...

Yesterday I wrote about my problems with Barack Obama as a potential president. Today, in the interest of fairness and balance (inspired by Faux News), I'll write about my view of John McCain.

First, the positives: Mr McCain is an experienced congressman, with 26 years of experience in the House and the Senate, often taking principled positions on issues which made him deeply unpopular with his fellow Republicans. He is a genuine war hero with a distinguished record of service. He offers plans and programs which are a bit more fleshed out than those of Mr Obama, but which are still largely pie-in-the-sky (you can read about them on his website here, and compare them to those of Mr Obama here). He has a wealthy and glamorous wife (okay, this isn't a qualification for president, and Michelle Obama is a beautiful lady, too, but it never hurts to have a great-looking spouse. I have Agnes, after all).

Now for the negatives: I have a hard time waking up after listening to him. At a time when the country needs firm and dynamic leadership, Mr McCain comes across as a kindly old grandfather (a role with which I'm passingly familiar). He's not inspiring in the way I believe we need today, particularly when compared to a fresh, dynamic figure and rousing speaker like Mr Obama. He's too closely aligned with the policies of the Bush administration. And he's old. This isn't a bad thing, per se (being old surely does beat the alternative), but he doesn't radiate the force and charisma the country is looking for right now. I think he'd like to be a Franklin Roosevelt, but he comes across more as a Calvin Coolidge.

So, while I have tremendous respect and admiration for John McCain, believe he has the legislative and military experience and seasoning to be president, and is far more qualified for the job than Barack Obama, I don't think I can vote for him. And by the way, if you've been in a cave in Outer Mongolia for the last day or two and haven't seen it, here is the hysterically funny Paris Hilton answer to Mr McCain's campaign ad that implied Barack Obama is only a Hilton-type professional celebrity. The best part is...she has a better energy policy than anyone else!

On a related topic (rant alert here)...

Yesterday I stumbled across this topic on the Cafferty File blog maintained by CNN's Jack Cafferty: What's Better - Gridlock or One-Party Control?

So what the #%@! kind of question is this?

I think you probably can imagine the comment I posted to this. My comment apparently didn't get through the editorial filter and doesn't appear on the site, but this one from "Tony in Oregon" is very close to what I wrote (and much less sarcastic): "Wrong question. Better asked is how to gain consensus on the important issues so that we move together in solidarity to address the nation’s primary needs and common interests."

I couldn't have put it better myself. Until we have legislators with the courage to put aside the siren call of stiff-necked partisanship and blind party loyalty to work with each other in a true bipartisan spirit to do the right thing for the country, we are well and truly screwed.

I'm just as scared of one-party railroading (which both Republicans and Democrats are very good at) as I am of gridlock. I'm well and truly sick of our elected reprehensives solemnly intoning their blame of the other side for every one of the nation's ills. Where are the statesmen? Where's the Henry Clay of 2008?

As far as I can see, none of his philosophical descendants are within a hundred miles of Capitol Hill.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

A Deeply Superficial Person

I ran across an interesting quote from Andy Warhol this morning in which he described himself as "a deeply superficial person." Mr Warhol is a man ahead of his time, for his comment is appropriate to this year's presidential race.

I still find myself utterly unable to understand the wild celebrity appeal of Barack Obama as a presidential candidate. The fact that he isn't George Bush is clearly a plus, but then, I'm not George Bush either, and I doesn't draw adoring crowds who think I should be president (except for Mike, John, and Zipcode, but I don't think three people constitute an adoring crowd). Mr Obama is an excellent public speaker, but then, so was Adolf Hitler. He speaks eloquently of change and grand plans, but without laying out realistic plans to accomplish it all.

If you visit Mr Obama's website, you won't learn a great deal more of real substance. One thing I did observe, though, was that if you mouse over the tab titled "People," you can find targeted messages for 19 different categories of people, including "LBGT" (I suppose it's too in-your-face to spell out "lesbian, bisexual, gay, and transsexual"). The president must represent all Americans...not present a different face and message to 19 different constituencies.

I would really like to be able to believe in Barack Obama. If nothing else, he is definitely a fresh face with some new ideas. But like all politicians, he is long on promise and short on specifics. People running for office makes lots of grand promises...statesmen explain how they intend to try to turn those promises into programs. I don't see it here.

The real importance of Barack Obama's candidacy doesn't lie in his basic qualifications for the presidency, which - as you know - I think are minimal. The fact that he has emerged as a very strong candidate for the nation's highest office is an indication of how far we've come from the bad old days of slavery and Jim Crow laws. I believe the fact that a black man can be accepted by a wide swath of Americans of all races, religions, and economic strata as a viable candidate speaks well for the nation. With some more seasoning in Congress (where, for instance, he could try to establish a record of bipartisan accomplishments as an indication of what he's capable of doing), I think he could be a better candidate. At the moment, he's not quite an empty suit, but a suit only half-full.

Voting for Barack Obama because he's black makes no more sense than voting for John McCain because he's white. The person we elect will be the president of all Americans of all races and religions. He (or she) will need to be able to unite us behind solid programs which can overcome the disastrous legacy of eight years of George Bush, repair the country at home and propel us back into the global leadership we've forfeited.

We are a nation adrift and in need of firm, inspiring, and dynamic leadership from someone able to articulate a vision and the means to achieve it. If someone's out there running who can do that, let me know.

At the moment, I have to say that I find Mr Obama a deeply superficial person.

Tomorrow, I'll talk about John McCain. Hint: it won't be much more positive that what I've written today.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

The Theory of the Leisure Class

Someone once defined a classic book as one that everyone says he wants to read, but nobody you know actually ever has. There are lots of books like that on my gotta-read list, but I picked up a new one yesterday at the library after hearing a "best beach reads" review on NPR's Marketplace program: "The Theory of the Leisure Class," by Thorstein Veblen. You can read it online or download a copy here if you like.

Mr Veblen argues, if I understand his basic concept before actually starting to read, that the idea of division of labor led to the development of status classes based on the perceived value and utility of the labor performed. At the top of the heap was what he referred to as the leisure class - those who were high enough in the social order that they needed to do only symbolic or prestigious work, and who had accumulated sufficient wealth to be able to live an easy life. This life was marked by conspicuous leisure (demonstrating that they had plenty of time to relax while others labored), and conspicuous consumption (demonstrating that they had plenty of money or other resources to waste on ostentatious displays of personal accumulation of worldly goods).

This is a very brief (and possibly inaccurate) summary of a book I haven't begun to read yet, but the radio review got me to thinking about the ideas of conspicuous consumption and conspicuous leisure. Although Mr Veblen developed his theories in the late 1800's, the era of the super-rich "Robber Barons," the concept of conspicuous consumption is clearly borne out today by such things as the enormous McMansion homes that sell for stratospheric amounts (or did, prior to the housing meltdown). Who buys these gigantic homes, and the Mercedes, BMWs, Jaguars, and Cadillacs in their driveways? Certainly not janitors, fry cooks, bus drivers, or young professionals just starting their careers and families...must be Mr Veblen's leisure class. As for conspicuous leisure, there are plenty of country clubs, resorts, and super-expensive restaurants here in DC where people can be seen being seen.

I'm looking forward to reading the book, because it looks like a fascinating insight into the things I see around me every day. It might be nice to someday be a member of that Leisure Class about which Mr Veblen writes...but then again, I kind of like being one of the Real People.

But a guy can dream, can't he?

Have a good day. Try to catch yourself a little leisure. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

The Names of Post Offices

If you're tired of listening to me rant about our utterly useless Congress, you may want to mouse over to another blog before reading any farther. Mike, for instance, has a bouncer he says is waiting to meet me for dissing him...see the picture here.

Okay, if you're still here, that probably means you hold our Congress in the same esteem I do. That being the case, if your local Sunday newspaper contains Parade Magazine, you may have seen the "Government Watch" article titled "Why Is Congress Doing So Little." You can read the article online here; just scroll down until you reach it. No time to read it? Here are the "highlights":

The current Congress has passed 260 laws...and 74 of those were to rename post offices.

It has also passed "hundreds" of resolutions, including one which congratulates the UC-Irvine volleyball team, another which recognizes soil as an "essential resource," and one which recognizes June 30th as "National Corvette Day."

As you might expect, there are differences of opinion about who is at fault for this ludicrous record. In the article, Republican Representative John Shimkus (R, Illinois) - he of the "National Corvette Day" resolution - blames Democrats for "failing to introduce more substantive legislation." Democrats blame Republicans for "blocking key votes," pointing to "a record number of (Republican) filibusters this session."

Your elected reprehensives are paid $169, 300 per year. For that much money, I can rename a lot of post offices and designate a lot of national days. There are a lot of things that don't have a special day designated yet...for instance, I don't think we have a National Invertebrate yet...no, wait...we do - there are 100 of them in the Senate and 435 in the House. Never mind.

Are you fed up yet? Have you written to your elected reprehensives to let them know? And I don't mean just printing up and signing the single-issue form letters helpfully produced by the staff drones of your favorite lobby...I mean a letter you wrote yourself, bitching about something you care deeply enough about to put pen to paper (or electrons to screen, if you're more into e-mail than a traditional ink-and-paper guy like me).

These horses asses need to know just how mad we are, and I can't do it all myself. The one thing they understand is reelection...and the only whip hand you hold is your vote. Let them know.

Otherwise, we'll continue to have an economy in the toilet, bazillions of illegal aliens, an arrogant and imperial presidency...and a lot of nicely-named post offices.

And that pisses me off.

Have a good day. Get mad. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo