Sunday Odds and Ends

Yep, another collection of odds and ends from the Blog Fodder file, and from other sources ...

Yesterday's mail (a Saturday delivery, which is not long for this world) was enlivened by the sparkling presence amid the junk post and bills of a postcard from Amanda and her family, sent from Hobbiton* in New Zealand. I was touched by the gesture, and insanely jealous of the fact that she and Richard and the boys were able to go there and I wasn't. Sigh ...

The weather here in Northern Virginia continues to be schizophrenic, alternating between springlike shirtsleeve weather and bitter cold. While New England is digging out from under more than three feet of the white stuff, we've had scarcely enough to notice**. On the one hand, this is a good thing, because I'm really not into getting my exercise by shoveling snow. On the other, a good snowfall (or around here, even a mediocre one) can bring things to a screeching halt faster than even Congress can.

Yesterday afternoon and evening Agnes and I were baby-sitting for Leya and Elise, our local grandchildren ... an exhausting task to be sure, but nevertheless a joy. After dinner and baths (Leya was desperate to have a bath in our jacuzzi tub, although Elise just wanted to watch, being a bit weirded out by the rumble of the jets), we settled down to watch a movie - Disney's The Little Mermaid. It was cute, as most Disney films are, but the best part was a wonderful calypso-melody song called "Kiss the Girl" that is now part of my favorites collection on my iPod. The song is clever and tuneful, and the video is delightful ... you can't not love this song ...

Another high point of yesterday was the chance to talk again via FaceTime with our other four grandchildren, who now live in Germany. We'd gotten spoiled having them living so long in Dayton, but now that they're on another continent, staying in touch is harder, especially given the six-hour time difference which complicates live chats. It was great to see and talk to them again, and to see how little Ava - now approaching three months old - is growing. Like all babies that age, she looks a lot like a cute, chubby Winston Churchill. Or a chipmunk with full cheeks. Joe and Noah are as rambunctious as ever, and my beloved Marcy, our oldest grandchild, will be a teenager (gasp!) in April. I'm way too young for this ...

Governments at every level are desperately trying to save money, often in the most inappropriate places ... like slashing budgets for schools and libraries. Courtesy of my old friend Dave in Germany, here's an example of what can happen when we skimp on education ...

It should be funny, but I'm not laughing.

CNN and other news outlets reported earlier this week that the largest prime number identified to date had been discovered. It is more than 17 million digits long, which makes it almost long enough to use in discussions of the federal budget deficit (if you are a conservative) or the annual number of deaths attributable to guns (if you are a liberal). A prime number, for those of you who may not be aware of the term, is a number that can be evenly divided only by itself and 1 - the first ten prime numbers are 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, and 29, and there are people out there who dedicate their lives, fortunes, and computer time to finding increasingly enormous primes. The prime number identified this week also happens to be a Mersenne Prime, a distinction of no particular use to those of us whose mathematical talents are limited to balancing a checkbook to within a few dollars and not running afoul of the IRS***.

And that's all for today.

Tomorrow morning I have an early dental appointment, which means I'll be going in to work late, which also means that I'll have time to both do my time on the elliptical machine and write a Monday blog post. See you back here again tomorrow morning!

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* The home of Bilbo Baggins the Hobbit, from the movie of the same name, in case you didn't know.

** Back home in Pittsburgh, it used to be said that it didn't count as a snowfall until you could track a cat in it. By that yardstick, we ain't got $%#!.

*** Did you notice that all the people in the pictures on the IRS website are smiling? What's up with that?

Cartoon Saturday

If ever there was a week I could use Cartoon Saturday, it was this one ...

An enormous nor'easter has pummeled New England with hurricane-force winds and 20 inches or more of snow before heading out to sea; Southern California is in fear as police try to track down a former police officer who appears bent on murdering fellow officers; hackers stole and journalists published a series of private e-mails belonging to former President George W. Bush, leading to new questions about the morality and ethics of modern journalism; 12 people were killed in Chile when a busload of soccer fans lost control and fell down a 100-foot cliff; and the CBS network has published guidelines for celebrities on how to dress for the Grammy Awards ceremony, suggesting that clothing not expose “bare fleshy under curves of the buttocks” or “bare sides or under curvature of the breasts,” among other things (like butt cracks ... who do they think they are, plumbers?).

We need to hook up the cartoon IV, stat!

Guidelines for dress at the Grammys suggest that celebrities ought perhaps to choose carefully the catalogs from which they order their garments ...

And keeping with the Victoria's Secret theme, how about a wonderful pun ...

It's about time someone came up with a way to capture and use all the hot air and BS ...

I wonder if the new edition of the DSM will include this particular disorder ...

Cartoons about alphabet soup? Why not? ...

and ...

Agnes is far more "crafty" than I am. She sews her own dance costumes and other clothing, does matting and framing and stained glass work, counted cross-stitch and quilting, and loves to build huge Lego constructions.  I'm afraid to think about what she may get into next ...

I don't know if this pun cartoon is really good or really groan worthy, or both. Yeah, it's both ...

Yes, this sums up life pretty well ...

And finally, this is the sort of take-out I really need nowadays ...

And that's it for this week's edition of Cartoon Saturday. We'll be spending the day getting ready to baby-sit with our local grandchildren this evening ... for me, that means being sure that all the new toys and games Agnes has stockpiled have batteries installed before we give them to the girls, and that the more ... um ... age-objectionable DVDs are not located on the shelf close to the child-friendly ones. This is important, because Elise (at age almost-3) knows how to operate the DVD player on her own*.

Oy.

Have a good day. Stay warm, and come back for more thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Something even her Oma can't do.

Saturday Mail

Well, the big news yesterday (aside from the fact that Congress still has its head up it's doopa) was that the US Postal Service wants to save billions of dollars a year by eliminating Saturday first-class mail deliveries, starting in August.

This is sad.

At one time, the Post Office was one of the crown jewels of our government, delivering fast and reliable service for a nominal fee. Its history goes back to the year 1775, when Benjamin Franklin was appointed the first Postmaster General, and it is one of the few federal agencies specifically authorized by The Constitution*. I remember when I was in college and - for the princely sum of six cents (eight by the time I graduated) - I could get a representative of a trusted and respected federal government agency** to come to my house, pick up a letter, and deliver it in a matter of days to someone on the other side of the country. As the old saying proudly reminded us,

Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.***

Nowadays, a representative of a quasi-independent-sort-of-but-not-quite government agency will charge me 46 cents pick up that same letter, one less day per week. Still a bargain, when you think about it, but quite a bit more than the eight cents I paid in 1973.

The Post Office didn't have to end up in this ignominious state, but a lot of factors helped to turn it into a money-hemorrhaging butt of late-night TV jokes, including ...

- Congressional meddling and micromanagement;

- The rise of the Internet and fast, "free" communication;

- The general decline and devaluation of writing skills among Americans; and,

- A faster pace of life that values speed of communication over thoughtfulness and elegance of expression.

There have been some ideas for helping the Postal Service get back on its feet, including ...

and ...

And it isn't just people who regret the decline of the Post Office ...

As many of you know, I love writing letters****. I'm not quite as prolific as I used to be, but I still enjoy sitting down and crafting a long, chatty, and (hopefully) interesting and entertaining letter. Everyone enjoys getting personal letters, but nobody wants to actually write them any more ... and that's one of the big reasons the Postal Service is going belly up.

So, what are the other things that happen if the Postal Service eventually hangs up its mail bag?

Young boys and girls won't be able to sneak kisses by "playing post office." Playing "e-mail server" doesn't quite have the same ring to it.

Many old songs won't have the same impact, and new ones won't have the same effect. For example, consider the 1967 hit song by The Box Tops called "The Letter" ...

"Gimme a ticket for an aeroplane

Ain't got time to take a fast train - 

Lonely days are gone

I'm a-goin' home:

My baby wrote me a letter"

It just doesn't sound the same if it goes ...

"Gimme a ticket for an aeroplane

Ain't got time to take a fast train - 

Lonely days are gone

I'm a-goin' home:

My baby sent me a tweet"

And would Pat Boone's classic song "Love Letters in the Sand" have the same impact as "Sending E-Mails from the Beach?"

Why not take a minor vow today to write even just one letter a month?⁺  You'll give someone the thrill of receiving a real, ink-on-paper letter, exercise your dormant writing skills, and do your part to help rescue the good old US Mail US Post Office US Postal Service.

Do it now!

Have a good day. Write someone a letter. And then come back for Cartoon Saturday.

Bilbo

* Article 1, Section 8, Clause 7. You probably never noticed it because you were obsessing about the Second Amendment.

** You didn't know that we used to have those, did you?

*** Contrary to popular belief, this is not the official motto of the Postal Service, but an inscription found on the General Post Office at 8th Avenue and 33rd Street in New York City. It's a translation from the works of Herodotus that describes the faithful service of mounted couriers used by the Persian empire ... you know, the place where Iran is now.

**** I'll write one to you, too ... just send your snail-mail address to der_blogmeister(at)yahoo(dot)com and I'll send you your own, personal, handwritten letter, which may well be the only one you get this year. The only catch is that you have to promise to write back.

+ Mike, no fair subcontracting it to Claudia!

The Differences Between Musical Genres

A week or so ago, someone posted a clever piece on Facebook titled "The Differences Between Musical Genres." It started with a simple declarative sentence - "I saw a flower" - and then showed now that sentence might be turned into the lyrics of a song in various genres. As a linguist and a lover of music, how could I possibly turn down the opportunity to share it, and add a few of my own ideas? Here we go ...

Basic Lyric:
"I saw a flower"

Rap:
"Yo, I was hangin' wit my $%#%! homies and we saw a *#^%! flowa in a @$!%*! garden ..."

Pop:
"I saw a flower
a flower
a flower
It had blue petals
blue petals
blue petals ... "

Gospel:
"I saw a flower by the road to heaven
While Jesus called me home."

Reggae:
"I saw a flower,
A beautiful flower
And it smoked up so fine ..."

Acid Rock:
"In empty fields where nothing grew but weeds
I saw a flower,
And it turned into a dragon"

Barbershop Quartet:
"I saw a flower
(I saw a flower)
It smelled so fine
(It smelled so fine)"

Emo:
"I came across a beautiful flower, but it effin' DIED!"

Heavy Metal:
"AAAARRRRGGGGHHH ...
FLOOOOOOOOWWWWEEEEERRRR ...
AAUUGGHH ...
IN A FIEEEELLLLLD!!!"

Calypso:
"Down Jamaica way, mon,
I saw de flower a-growing by de road."

Country:
"I was ridin' my tractor in the rain
And drinkin' a beer
And I saw a flower, and I said,
We didn't have them flowers in the yard
When I was in prison!"

Grand Opera:
"I SAW A FLOWER!
A FLOWER, A FLOWER, A FLOWER,
MI AMORE
MI AMORE MI AMORE MI AMORE!!"

Any other ideas? Leave a comment.

Have a good day, and have it tunefully. More thoughts on Thursday.

Bilbo

My Granddaughter the Artist, and Her Model

I couldn't help myself ...

This afternoon we were visiting with our local grandchildren, and I discovered a wig that went with my granddaughter Leya's "Brave" Halloween costume, so I just had to try it on. Leya loved it, and added a hat. And then she drew a picture of the whole thing ...

I think I looked better in her drawing.

It's good to be the Opa!

Have a good evening. See you back in this space on Tuesday!

Bilbo

How We Talk to Each Other

Every once in a while (as you know if you've been with me for very long) I get an almost uncontrollable urge to capitalize on my parents' investment in my degree in Linguistics (which horrified my father, who had visions of a scientist or engineer in the family). I find language to be a fascinating topic, both as a vehicle for communication and as an indication of cultural development.

I thought about the latter aspect of language yesterday, when I read Angel's post titled "As American As ...", in which she riffed on some of the things we as Americans (sorry about that, Overseas Readers) have in common, as opposed to the many things which today divide us. One of the things she mentioned was that we are very good at profanity, which reminded me of this NPR story from earlier in the week: Dear Lawyers: Order In The &*%# Court!

You might think that lawyers, to whom precise use of language is critically important, and who often argue cases of great weight that may affect the lives of many people, would be judicious in their choice of words. But nowadays this is evidently not so, according to the NPR story which, in turn, cited a Wall Street Journal article about lawyers behaving like ill-mannered louts. From the WSJ article:

"From courtroom yelling matches to insulting letters and depositions that turn into fistfights, some lawyers and judges worry that the adversarial system of justice has gotten a little too adversarial ...
The well-mannered caution that lawyers who shout, lie and shoot off vulgar emails don't merely alienate judges and juries. They also slow the wheels of justice and cost clients money."

Ah, yes! If you can't get people to be civil any other way, appeal to economics.

It's not just lawyers, of course. As Angel points out in her post, "George Carlin's 'seven words you can't say on television'* is almost quaint."

I also found an interesting new expression this week on WordSpy: social swearing. The term is defined as "Casual swearing that helps to define and bind a social group." Yes, Dear Readers, we now have a term for the fact that we now routinely use - as a way of "bonding" - language my mother would have washed my mouth out with soap for using ... and that was before my father would have knocked me into the next zip code.

The indiscriminate use of foul language has grown tremendously since I was young. It's not unusual to hear grade-school children now using gutter language once associated with drunken sailors, longshoremen, rap "musicians," and uneducated ass clowns who don't know any better. It's all a part of the continuing coarsening of our society, in which The Golden Rule has changed from

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

to

Screw 'em.

We live in a time when many people who should know better have adopted the philosophy of the Robert E. Heinlein story Beyond This Horizon that 

An armed society is a polite society.

After all, why bother being polite and using calm and respectful langage when you can just pack heat to enforce granting of the respect you demand, but are unwilling to give in return?

I am, of course, not totally innocent of the use of less-than-scholarly language. I can turn the air blue with the best of them (in three languages!) when suitably provoked. But I try not to use profanity as a matter of routine, particularly not in front of small children or in a mixed company of strangers. I like to think of the use of profanity in the terms of a comment I heard and wrote down years ago. Sadly, I've lost the exact quote, but it goes something like this: 

"The English language has so few good cuss words that they should be kept stored away, protected and preserved against the time when no other word will do, at which time they should be unfurled and proudly waved like a flag of defiance in the face of an enemy who can understand no words more civil."

Take a few minutes to think about what you say and how you say it, particularly in front of children.

Perhaps you don't care whether you sound like an uneducated baboon, but I'd rather my grandchildren learn from a better example.

Have a good day. And have it politely. You may find you like it.

Bilbo

* Don't follow this link when small children are present near the computer, or if you are easily offended.

Cartoon Saturday

Welcome to February. How much fun has this year been so far ... ?

A convicted murderer is on the loose after being mistakenly released from custody in Chicago; two people were killed in a bombing at the US embassy in Ankara, Turkey; Chinese hackers are suspected in cyber attacks against the New York Times and the Washington Post; an Air Force pilot is dead after his F-16 fighter apparently crashed into the sea off the coast of Italy; authorities are negotiating with a man who has been holding a five-year old child hostage for five days in an underground bunker after killing a school bus driver; and your government is spending millions of dollars it doesn't have on actions necessary to plan for massive budget cuts which will come if the game of sequestration chicken being played in Congress goes through.

Paging Mr Barrie ... Mr J. M. Barrie ... I found your Never-Never Land, and it's not what you thought. Bring on the cartoons ...

I suppose the choice of muzak wouldn't bother some of us as much as others. Right, Fiona? ...

Praying mantises (mantisi? manti?) are always good for a few cartoons, like this one ...

... and this one ...

Happy Days aren't here again just yet ...

Sometimes, you can take things a bit too literally, as in this example ...

And sometimes, the message just doesn't quite get through ...

If it's on the Internet, it must be true ... right? ...

Sometimes a classic cartoon comes out of the combination of two wildly different themes ...

Organized crime in Scotland? ...

And finally for this week, one of the problems we always have at the beginning of a new year is our ingrained habit of writing the wrong year on our checks. Or we did, before we started using debit and credit cards instead of those old-fashioned check thingys. Do you suffer from this problem? Do you suppose the ancients did, too? ...

And that's it for another Cartoon Saturday. As I write this, it's 17 big degrees outside my study window, and unlikely to get out of the low 30's for the rest of the day. It's colder than a well-digger's ankles. But at least we don't have snow and ice, unlike some other parts of the country. I've submitted my order for an early Spring* online for faster service, which will help. Won't it?

Have a good day. Stay warm and dry. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Hey, work with me on this one. It's one of my few fantasies I can discuss in this forum.

Even MORE Great Moments in Editing

The Marines may be looking for a few good men*, but here at Bilbo's place, we're looking for a few good editors. It's been a few weeks, and so it's time once again to dredge up a few more great moments in editing ...

It's said that you get what you pay for, but I'd still hold out for a little better warranty ...

Perhaps the measurements were made by the same guy who came up with the tire warranty ...

Ah, yes ... the press is honoring the jackpot winner's desire to remain anonymous ...

Thanks, but I think I'll pass on this one ...

Now that's what I call comfortable, useful pants! ...

On second thought, just keep the camera ...

An event with a mixed message? ...

I guess the sheriff better round up a posse and head out after 'em ... oh, sometime in the next week or two ...

Yes, stop playing games with our children's ... uh ... let me get back to you on that ...

Looks like it wasn't just the Mayans who got their predictions wrong ...

Proof positive that we need more people with the ... write ... stuff.

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

* Yes, ladies, too.

The Language of Flowers

One of the (few) useful things about having a degree in Linguistics is that one can always be entertained by the elements and aspects of language that surround us every day and allow us to communicate with each other. We naturally think of traditional spoken and written languages like English, Chinese, and German, artificial ones like Esperanto, and invented ones like Tolkien's Quenya (Elvish) and Star Trek's Klingon. But there are many other forms of linguistic communication as well, including sign languages, pictograms, the unintelligible deep bass grunts and shouts of hip-hop and rap ... and the language of flowers.

The old florist's ad tells you to "say it with flowers," and you can. We usually think of a gift of flowers as a signal of love, appreciation, congratulation, or sorrow, but there is in fact a very rich and complex language of flowers that allows you to send all sorts of messages to your audience, depending on the types of flowers you include in your bouquet.

I first heard of the language of flowers when it appeared as a significant plot element in the horror novel Ghoul, by Michael Slade, when the titular character used bouquets of flowers to send messages taunting the police. A little research yielded a great deal of information about the langage of flowers, which included this interesting website that summarizes the messages which can be sent by particular blossoms. For instance, we might send these bouquets to certain recipients:

Congress: Colchicum ("my best days are past"), Clotbur ("rudeness"), Hortensia ("heartlessness"), Columbine ("folly"), and Buttercup ("childishness");

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmedinejad: Belvedere ("I declare war against you");

China (to any other country with territorial claims in the South China Sea): Pasqueflower ("you have no claims");

Any District Attorney: Coltsfoot ("justice will be done");

The Tea Party: Barberry ("sourness of temper");

The Octomom: Fig Tree ("prolific");

The NRA: Tuberose ("dangerous pleasures"); and,

Donald Trump: Kingcup ("desire for riches").

What bouquets would you send? Check out the language of flowers here and leave a comment. Inquiring minds want to know.

Have a good day. I send you a bouquet of deep pink roses.

More thoughts on Thursday.

Bilbo

Kiss It and Make It Better. No, Really!

Even if you're a hard-core, ultra-conservative, they-had-all-the-answers-in-the-18^th-century-so-why-change-now Republican who doesn't believe in science*, here's some science even you might be able to get behind ...

You may recall my post from last December 7^th titled How To Kiss. It was relatively popular, based on the number of hits the blog recorded that day. Now from the Readers' Digest comes this interesting article: 6 Ways Kissing Makes You Healthy. In case you want to just cut right to the chase so that you can get busy convincing your main squeeze to lock lips with you, here are the six ways:

1. Kissing Boosts Immunity. The article notes that "a study reported in the journal Medical Hypotheses says kissing may increase a woman’s immunity from Cytomegalovirus, which can cause infant blindness and other birth defects if the mother is a carrier during pregnancy**."

2. Kissing Burns Calories. Anywhere from two to six per minute, according to some estimates. And really good kissing leads to other activities which burn a lot more calories than that, if you know what I mean.

3. Kissing Keeps Facial Muscles Strong. Scientific research indicates that you use 30 muscles while kissing, which helps keep your cheeks tight.

4. Kissing Naturally Relaxes You. Scientific reports say kissing increases the levels of oxytocin, the body’s natural calming chemical, increases endorphins, the body’s feel-good chemicals, and boosts levels of dopamine, which aids in feelings of romantic attachment. Of course, there's a certain amount of anxiety involved in kissing*** which might counterbalance some of that, but on the whole, I think the evidence is in favor of relaxation.

5. Kissing Helps You Select the Best Mate. According to a professor of evolutionary psychology quoted in the article, “At the moment of the kiss, there are hard-wired [biological] mechanisms that assess health, reproductive status and genetic compatibility ... Therefore, what happens during that first kiss can be a make-or-break proposition.” It may not be love at first sight, but it could be love at first kiss ...

6. Passionate Kisses Are Good for Oral Health. From the article: "According to Dental Health Magazine, 'deep kissing increases the flow of saliva, which helps to keep the mouth, teeth and gums healthy.' The additional liquid helps get rid of food particles in your teeth, and in stimulating your immune system, you're aiding your body in the fight against infection." I'll bet that Laura, my dental hygienist, has been keeping this a secret in her never-ending quest to get me to floss regularly.

So, what are you waiting for? Start looking for some nice lips ...

As Edmond Rostand remarked in his play Cyrano de Bergerac, "A kiss, when all is said, what is it? A rosy dot placed on the 'I' in loving; 'tis a secret told to the mouth instead of to the ear."

Have a good day. Kiss your very best beloved ... it's good for you.

More thoughts on Tuesday.

Bilbo

* "Lies from the pit of hell," according to Representative Paul Broun (R, GA), who sits on the House Committee on Science, Space and Technology, in remarks made in September of last year.

** Because the website requires membership to search, I was unable to read the actual study report, so I guess we'll just have to take it on faith.

** Particularly on a first date, or with a kissee on whom you wish to make a good impression as a first step to second base.