Musical Interlude

Like most of you, I love the Christmas season for a lot of reasons ... one of which is the music. I love all the traditional Christmas carols and some of the newer ones, and I despise "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer."*

One of the newer Christmas songs that I really love is one I first heard thanks to fellow blogger Andrea, who included it in her 2011 Christmas Mix. I'm not a religious person, but this quietly beautiful song would make me believe again, if anything would. Here's Chris Isaak, singing his 2004 song "Brightest Star" ...

Christmas is just ten days away. Difficult as it may be this year, try to feel the spirit.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* And who doesn't?

The Differences Between Musical Genres

A week or so ago, someone posted a clever piece on Facebook titled "The Differences Between Musical Genres." It started with a simple declarative sentence - "I saw a flower" - and then showed now that sentence might be turned into the lyrics of a song in various genres. As a linguist and a lover of music, how could I possibly turn down the opportunity to share it, and add a few of my own ideas? Here we go ...

Basic Lyric:
"I saw a flower"

Rap:
"Yo, I was hangin' wit my $%#%! homies and we saw a *#^%! flowa in a @$!%*! garden ..."

Pop:
"I saw a flower
a flower
a flower
It had blue petals
blue petals
blue petals ... "

Gospel:
"I saw a flower by the road to heaven
While Jesus called me home."

Reggae:
"I saw a flower,
A beautiful flower
And it smoked up so fine ..."

Acid Rock:
"In empty fields where nothing grew but weeds
I saw a flower,
And it turned into a dragon"

Barbershop Quartet:
"I saw a flower
(I saw a flower)
It smelled so fine
(It smelled so fine)"

Emo:
"I came across a beautiful flower, but it effin' DIED!"

Heavy Metal:
"AAAARRRRGGGGHHH ...
FLOOOOOOOOWWWWEEEEERRRR ...
AAUUGGHH ...
IN A FIEEEELLLLLD!!!"

Calypso:
"Down Jamaica way, mon,
I saw de flower a-growing by de road."

Country:
"I was ridin' my tractor in the rain
And drinkin' a beer
And I saw a flower, and I said,
We didn't have them flowers in the yard
When I was in prison!"

Grand Opera:
"I SAW A FLOWER!
A FLOWER, A FLOWER, A FLOWER,
MI AMORE
MI AMORE MI AMORE MI AMORE!!"

Any other ideas? Leave a comment.

Have a good day, and have it tunefully. More thoughts on Thursday.

Bilbo

The Best Music For ...

Lists are a big thing. David Letterman has made his Top Ten List a major part of his show, and there are lots of books out there that offer you lists on every conceivable topic ... if you doubt me, Google "top ten list" and see that you get roughly 525,000,000 hits. Don't check them all out now, or you'll miss out on my own post about ... lists.

You already know, Dear Readers, that I love music, and you may recall my post from a week or so ago that answered the AARP list of songs everyone over 50 should own with my own list of my favorite songs ... if you somehow missed it, you can read it here.

But speaking of music and lists, my eye was caught this morning by this headline from CNN online: Spotify Study: Music More Sexually Arousing Than Touch. The article discusses a study that was commissioned by the Swedish digital music service Spotify to examine the relationship between music, romance and seduction. The study results indicated that "Dirty Dancing" was the top pick for both men and women, men are more willing to adjust their tastes in music in order to ensure greater success in the bedroom, and background music was 40% more likely to turn the respondents on than the touch or feel of their partner.

Yes, I love music, but somehow I just can't see that part about the 40%.

You can see the various top-20 playlists generated by the study here. In case you don't want to read the whole thing, here are the lists, with the top five songs in each:

Songs Considered "Better Than Sex":*
1. Bohemian Rhapsody, by Queen
2. Sex on Fire, by Kings of Leon
3. Angels, by Robbie Williams
4. Bat Out Of Hell, by Meat Loaf**
5. Livin' on a Prayer, by Bon Jovi

Songs to Play During Sex:
1. She's Like the Wind, by Patrick Swayze
2. Sexual Healing, by Marvin Gaye
3. Bolero (Ravel)***
4. Take My Breath Away, by Berlin
5. You See the Trouble with Me, by Barry White

Songs for a Romantic Dinner:
1. Let's Get It On, by Marvin Gaye
2. The Lady in Red, by Chris de Burgh (great song!!)
3. Sexual Healing, by Marvin Gaye
4. Wonderful Tonight, by Eric Clapton
5. Moon River, by Andy Williams

Songs to Flirt By on the Dance Floor:****
1. Dancing Queen, by Abba
2. Sexy and I Know It, by LMFAO
3. The Lady in Red, by Chris de Burgh
4. (I've Had) The Time of My Life, by Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes
5. Do Ya Think I'm Sexy, by Rod Stewart

Songs to "Get in the Mood":
1. Sexual Healing, by Marvin Gaye
2. Let's Get It On, by Marvin Gaye and Rene Hall
3. Can't Get Enough of Your Love, by Barry White
4. Je T'Aime...Moi Non Plus, by Serge Gainsborough and Jane Birkin
5. Sex on Fire, by Kings of Leon

What are the songs on your playlists in these categories?

Have a good day. Keep the lights and music low ... and remember to use protection*****.

Bilbo

* You've got to be kidding!
** You've really got to be kidding!
*** Oh, yeah!
**** The full list is pretty good. Trust me, I know!
***** I'm not talking about ear plugs.

Songs for Geezers? Not Here!

As a card-carrying member of the American Association of Retired People (although I'm not retired yet, I qualify on the basis of age ... sigh), I get the AARP magazine and all sorts of snail- and e-mail advertising retirement communities, cemetery plots, discount colonoscopies, and USDA Prime pureed steaks. But I also get some thought-provoking articles like this one by Jacqueline Mitchard: 16 Songs Everyone Over 50 Must Own.

Well, everyone over 50 except me, that is.

While I like some of the songs on the list, there's not a one that would make it onto my top 50 list. Not even close.

And so, with a tip of the musical hat to Andrea, my favorite music lady, here are Bilbo's Top 16 Songs That Will Always Be in My Collection, with commentary, excerpts from the lyrics, and links to YouTube videos, where they're available (a note about the videos - some of them have political ads inserted before the actual music, so be warned):

1. Fields of Gold (Sting). This is a great song with a near-perfect blend of music and evocative lyrics ...

So she took her love
For to gaze awhile
Upon the fields of barley
In his arms she fell as her hair came down
Among the fields of gold.

2. Song for Judith (Judy Collins). A wonderful song about friendship, sung in Judy's bell-clear voice with the wonderful refrain,

Open the door and come on in!
I'm so glad to see you, my friend -
You're like a rainbow comin' around the bend
And when I see you happy, well, it sets my soul free
I'd like to be as good a friend to you
As you are to me.

3. Angel Mine (Cowboy Junkies). The ethereal voice of vocalist Margo Timmins, combined with beautiful lyrics make this one of the most touching love songs I think I've ever heard ...

I'll never promise that I'll grow those wings,
Or keep this tarnished halo shined;
But I'll never betray your trust, Angel Mine

4. Bullshit (Grace Jones). The quintessential election year song, but useful in so many situations ...

And if I wander down the wrong road,
It's alright honey, just let me go,
If I get tired of all those assholes,
It's alright cause' I want them to know.

I'm sick and tired of all this bullshit
Same shit, wrong shit
Hey Jesus come on down and save us, save us, rave on.

5. Mr Shorty (Marty Robbins). One of the greatest cowboy storytelling songs ever, about a little man pushed too far by a bully ...

It was clear he was ready and waitin',
He leaned a bit forward and said,
"When you call me 'Shorty,' say 'Mister,' my friend,
Or maybe you'd rather be dead.'"

6. Die unsichtbare Macht (Juliane Werding). The first of two German songs on my list, this one is an anthem for paranoid people everywhere. The title translates as "The Invisible Power," and asks questions like,

Wer registriert jeden Schritt den ich tu?
Wer hoert sogar den Gedanken noch zu?
Keine Frage - die unsichtbare Macht!

in English ...

Who's logging my every step?
Who's listening to my every thought?
No question: it's the Invisible Power (it rhymes and sounds better in German).

7. You Know I'm No Good (Amy Winehouse). Amy Winehouse may have been an ad for everything you can do wrong in life, but she was a hell of a singer. This is a great song that only her gritty, one-of-a-kind voice could have moaned out ...

I cheated myself
Like I knew I would.
I told you I was trouble -
You know that I'm no good.

8. Jamaica Farewell (Harry Belafonte). I love calypso music, and it doesn't get much better than this simple song about the pain of separation ...

I'm sad to say I'm on my way,
Won't be back for many a day.
My heart is down, my head is turning around -
I had to leave a little girl in Kingston town.

9. The Music of the Night (Michael Crawford). The Phantom of the Opera is, in my humble opinion, one of the greatest musicals of all time, with fabulous music and lyrics ... of which this one is the best song. Consider these words ...

Slowly, gently, night unfurls its splendor.
Grasp it, sense it, tremulous and tender.
Hearing is believing,
Music is deceiving,
Hard as lightning, soft as candle light -
Dare you trust the music of the night?

And it's even a great song for the current political climate, as the lyrics go on with these words ...

Close your eyes for your eyes will only tell the truth,
And the truth isn't what you want to see.
In the dark it is easy to pretend
That the truth is what it ought to be.

10. Herbstgewitter ueber Daechern (Reinhard Mey). German has an image as a harsh and gutteral language, but it can also be a language of great beauty and imagery. In this song by German folk singer Reinhard Mey, titled "Autumn Thunderstorms over the Rooftops," he sings about the things he sees and hears and experiences, compares them to his beloved, and finds they come up short ...

Warten, hoffen und aufgeben, 
Irren und Ratlosigkeit.
Zweifeln, glauben und verzeihen.
Freudentränen, Trunkenheit.

Hätt ich all das nie erfahren,
Hätt ich all das nie erlebt -
Schlief ich ein in deinen Armen.
Sagt ich doch, ich hab gelebt!

Or in English,

Waiting, hoping and giving up, 
Making mistakes, helplessness,

Doubting, believing, and forgiving,

Tears of joy, drunkenness.

If I'd never known any of that,

If I'd never experienced it at all,

If I could just fall asleep in your arms,

I could say I'd lived.

11. Straight to Number One (Touch and Go). Just about the ultimate in sexy, sultry tunes. It's a rumba melody that makes you think much more about the down-and-dirty horizontal tango than the slow and sexy rumba ...

Ten - kiss me on the lips
Nine - run your fingers through my hair
Eight - touch me . . . slowly
Hold it - 

Let's go straight to number one!

12. Years Ago (The Statler Brothers). The Statler Brothers are one of the great country/folk groups, and many of their songs feature clever lyrics to go along with the great melodies. They have so many great songs that it's hard to pick a single example as a favorite, but this one one about a fellow who drops by his old flame's wedding has got to be high on the list ...

There's no reason I should stay,
The groom won't shake hands anyway,
And I kissed the bride years ago.

13. Ain't Misbehavin' (George Burns). A great, simple song with music by Fats Waller and Harry Brooks and lyrics by Andy Razaf. It's been recorded by many singers, but my favorite version was done by George Burns ...

No one to walk with, all by myself
No one to talk with, I'm happy on the shelf
Ain't misbehavin' -
I'm savin' all my love for you.

14. Prodigal Daughter (Michelle Shocked). A twist on the biblical tale of the prodigal son, this song asks about the reception that the fallen, prodigal daughter might get when she returns home ...

Look, here comes the prodigal son
Fetch him a tall drink of water;
But there's none in the cup, 'cause he drank it all up,
Left for the prodigal daughter.

15. Return to Sender (Elvis Presley). Before we had zip codes to sort our mail, we had postal zones ... I grew up in "Pittsburgh 37, Pennsylvania," which is now "Pittsburgh, PA 15237." You ought to know that bit of trivia if you're much younger than I am and want to enjoy this great song from The King, which contains the lines,

I gave a letter to the postman,
he put it his sack.
Bright and early next morning,
he brought my letter back -

She wrote upon it:
Return to sender - address unknown.

No such number, no such zone.

And it's a great swing dance tune, too!

16. Closer and Closer Apart (Mary Chapin Carpenter). A sad, poignant song about failing love ...

Now, my sad little boat floats on out to sea
And you're almost out of sight
I'll remember you
Please don't forget me
I whisper with all my might

All I can do is turn now to you
Holding my hand to my heart
All that I know is I'm watching us grow
Closer and closer apart.

Okay, I have to add one more to the list of 16 ...

17. A Rock and a Hard Place (The Rolling Stones). I don't like much hard rock, but this one is a classic ...

This talk of freedom and human rights
Means bullying and private wars and chucking all the dust into our eyes,
And peasant people poorer than dirt
Who are caught in the crossfire with nothing to lose but their shirts -
Stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Okay, that's my list ... what songs are on yours? Let ol' Bilbo know in your comments, or send me an e-mail or a note on Facebook.

Because we need music to help us get through the worldly mess.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Christmas Mondegreens and Other Lyrical Thoughts

If you've managed to grit your teeth and stick it out with me for any length of time, you know that I love language in all its various permutations and combinations, and especially puns and other word-based humor. One of the interesting things you can do with language is create mondegreens, or song lyrics that have been (often bizarrely) misunderstood. One of the classic mondegreens is "there's a bathroom on the right" ... which, in the original song by Creedence Clearwater Revival, actually read "...there's a bad moon on the rise."

For the fast-approaching holiday season, here's a collection of mondegreens from popular Christmas songs ...

"Deck the halls with Buddy Holly;"

"We three kings of porridge and tar;"

"On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me;"

"Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire;"

"He's makin' a list, chicken and rice;"

"Noel, Noel - Barney's the king of Israel;"

"With the jelly toast proclaim;"

"Olive, the other reindeer;"

"Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, they say;"

"Sleep in heavenly peas;"

"In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown;"

"Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, you'll go down in listerine;"

"Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay;"

"O come, froggy faithful;"

"You'll tell Carol, 'Be a skunk, I require'."

On a somewhat related topic, consider the song Frosty the Snowman and the lyric quoted above. You may have noted over the years that there are two versions of the song "Frosty the Snowman." One version (which, I think, was the original) contains the lines

In the meadow, we can build a snowman

And pretend that he's is Parson Brown.

He'll say, "Are you married?", we'll say, "No, man,"

"But you can do the job when you're in town."

In the other version, that same section reads,

In the meadow we can build a snowman

And pretend that he's a circus clown.

We'll have lots of fun with Mr Snowman

Until the other children knock him down."

Why do we have two versions of the song? I believe - without evidence, but with strong suspicion - that the Parson Brown version was frowned upon by rigidly upright religious types who didn't think it was appropriate for young people singing Christmas songs to think about things that related (however tangentially) to ... gasp! ... sex.

There's a similar change of lyrics in Jimmy Buffet's song Changes in Latitudes, Changes in Attitudes ... the original song contains the line ...

Good times and riches and son-of-a-bitches,

I've seen more than I can recall.

... which morphs in another version into

Good times and riches, some brooms and some switches,

I've seen more than I can recall.

For the record, I think the original is the one that makes sense, but I suspect that the use of the term son-of-a-bitches was too much for the tender ears of some listeners.

And now, lest I impose too much on your tender ears ... and eyes ... I'll take Nessa for a walk and head off to work.

Have a good day. Post your favorite mondegreens in the comments. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Oh, Come, All Ye Seasonally Overwrought ...

We are now officially into the Christmas season, which began unofficially in most major retail establishments just after the Fourth of July. Trees twinkle with lights, the streets are draped with garlands of artificial pine, commercials extol the holiday virtues of everything from high-tech toys to ladies' depilatories, and Christmas music blares from every direction.

I don't think I would have liked Ebeneezer Scrooge, but there are days I think I understand him.

Let's talk for a moment about the music of Christmas.

I admit it ... I'm an emotional sucker for Christmas music. I can get teary listening to a good version of The Little Drummer Boy, and I get flashbacks to an earlier and simpler time when I hear the old standbys like White Christmas, Jingle Bells, and Adeste Fideles. But there are also the holiday clinkers, like Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer, which can drive me to wear four sets of noise-canceling headsets at once. We have a wide range of Christmas songs from the religious (Silent Night) to the secular (O, Christmas Tree). Even rap "musicians" can get into the act (Silent &*^#! Night, %@!#). There's something for everybody.

Apropos of Christmas songs, I read a very interesting article a few weeks ago: Christmas Carols: Why We Keep Singing Them, by Nathan Heller. You have to love an article that contains this wonderful passage:

"At face value, the Christmas carol may be the least captivating style of occasional song. While other popular tunes arise from passion or desire, heroism or defeat, the Yuletide songbook is a catalog of modest thrills and postindustrial neuroses. A quick survey turns up portraits of manic stress release (Jingle Bells), overwrought hallucination (Do You Hear What I Hear?), complex Freudian trauma (I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus), desperate midlife lechery (Baby, It’s Cold Outside), forced enthusiasm (It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year), and thinly veiled xenophobia (Dominick the Donkey … the Italian Christmas Donkey)."

Betcha never thought about Christmas songs in that way, did you?

Consider that we don't have a huge canon of music for other holidays. When was the last time you went from house to house in the evening, stopping by each residence to sing an Arbor Day song? Why don't we have books of Martin Luther King Day carols?

I think we enjoy Christmas carols for a lot of reasons. Because they remind us of our safer, happier, less-complicated youth. Because they provide some cheer in an otherwise cold, bleak time of the year. Because they help us celebrate surviving another year of Congressional hypocrisy and ineptitude.

Whatever the reason we sing them, however tired we get of them by the time the season is over, we love our Christmas songs. So join me in a rousing chorus of Good King Wenceslaus, raise that cup of egg nog high, and let's toast the season when we act like the people we should be the rest of the year.

Have a good day. Enjoy the music.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Weapons of Musical Destruction

I really enjoy good music. This means that I don't enjoy rap, hip-hop, or heavy metal, which I find to be neither good nor music, but that's beside the point. I've always been in awe of composers who can generate magnificent symphonies - how on earth can they put little black squiggles on paper and hear in their minds the blending of the different instruments that will result? How do they even know all the gazillions of different instruments that are out there, and the sounds they make, and how those sounds work together (or don't)?

From the blog fodder file comes this piece run by Miss Cellania last March: Band Weapons of Mass Destruction. If you've ever wondered about the dark side of musical instruments, this is for you. Read and beware ... you will never listen to a symphony the same way again ...

PICCOLO: the minute dimensions of this weapon make it especially lethal as it is easily concealed and can be set off just about anywhere. As a solo weapon, this device emits a high-pitched squeal that directly targets the inner ear. The application of this tone temporarily disorients its intended victim rendering him unable to react. The natural reaction of covering one's ears to reduce the intense pain causes military personnel within a 100 yard radius to drop their weapons leaving them defenseless to further attack. Applied in concert with a second piccolo of slightly higher or lower pitch, the weapons produce the effect of an ice pick through the eardrum and may cause profuse bleeding of the aural cavity. These weapons are constructed in three forms; metal, composite materials, wood, or any combination of the three. The all-metal piccolos are especially lethal. The only countermeasure to this weapon is to apply psychological warfare in the following manner. Compliment the musician on her: clothes/hair/shoes. This will distract the musician(s) from emitting her deadly tones and cause her to gab endlessly about herself. This in itself takes us to another problem man has dealt with for a thousand years and to which there is no antidote. Good Luck!

FLUTE: Slightly less effective as the piccolo but still nothing to be trifled with. The flute possesses the same destructive qualities as the piccolo but is required in greater numbers to do so. Sixth and seventh grade females are especially effective with this weapon and are to be approached with extreme caution.

OBOE: This weapon may appear harmless at first sight. The instrument's stealth qualities lure its intended victims into a false state of security, and then hit them without mercy. The oboe itself is a harmless composite or wooden conical tube. Once the ordnance (reed) is inserted, it is a weapon of tremendous power. One comforting factor is that the oboe is only as dangerous as the musician who wields it. At first glance, the operator of the oboe appears sweet, demure, and quite approachable. Do not be fooled by this deception. The oboist is actually a very high strung and temperamental foe. This mania is caused by the perpetual search for the perfect reed, which we all know doesn't exist. Those who play on plastic reeds are the bottom dwellers of the oboe world and are especially dangerous. The oboe is capable of producing a tone of laser-like quality. The sheer capabilities of volume produced can overpower an entire concert band. The resulting backpressure produced by over blowing has a two-way effect. It allows the musician to play seemingly forever on one breath resulting in sympathetic vibrations causing bulletproof glass and diamonds to shatter into deadly flying shards. The warning signs of impending doom occur when the musician raises the body of the instrument to her mouth to blow dust from under a key. This is how the weapon is cocked. If you ever see an oboist do this, run for cover my friend, for all Hell is about to break loose. The second effect of this weapon's backpressure is to cause its owner to eventually go insane. On rare occasions an oboist's head has been known to explode while firing their weapon. The only countermeasure to this weapon is to remove and professionally destroy the ordnance (reed). Doing so will also incur the wrath of its owner, so use extreme caution. The first master of the oboe as a weapon was Melvin "Schwartz" (Oklahoma All-State Band 1982), name changed to protect the guilty. He single handedly destroyed a performance of the Howard Hanson Romantic Symphony Finale under McBeth with his laser-like tones and inconsistent attacks. To this day, he has a bounty on his head and was last seen tending bar in Tijuana.

E-flat CLARINET: The Eb clarinet is the Tasmanian Devil of the woodwind family. Entirely uncontrollable and unpredictable, its blunderbuss like emissions can occur without warning. It is as much a danger to its owner as it is to the intended victim. For this reason the Eb clarinet is not in wide use today and only used by highly trained professionals and circus band daredevils.

B-flat CLARINET: As the flute is to the piccolo, the Bb Clarinet is to the Eb Clarinet. The only time a Bb clarinet is considered truly dangerous is in the hands of a saxophonist doubling on clarinet. His seemingly lacking ability to adjust his air to the clarinet causes a tone so forced and horrific that decorum prevents me from continuing.

ALTO, BASS, CONTRA BASS CLARINET: The Scud missiles of the clarinet family. Considered low-grade weapons, these clarinets are of limited lethality due to the extreme geekiness of their operators.

BASSOON: This is a weapon designed to start wars. Used primarily indoors, this weapon's unique tone can cause great embarrassment in social situations. Also known as the "farting bed post" the bassoonist will hide behind a set of curtains at an official state dinner or similar function. With the help of a diplomatic operative during the meal, the intermittent flatulent tones emitted by the bassoon can be blamed on certain visiting high government officials, causing great embarrassment and the possible beginning of hostilities between two countries. The best countermeasure to the bassoon involves lighter fluid and matches (fill in the blanks yourself).

SOPRANO SAXOPHONE: (See Kenny G) AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

ALTO SAX: Originally invented by Adolph Sax as the result of an evening of much cheap wine and a dare by a drunken horn player, the instrument he produced is neither brass nor woodwind. The only intended victim of this vile weapon is the concert band French horn player. Nothing is worse than hearing a great brass lick only to be obscured by the overly reedy tone and wobbly "vibrato" of some half crazed alto sax doubling the horns and overplaying them. Composers and arrangers are to blame as much as the alto players. Older players unable to temper their 1940's swing band vibrato are also a danger. The only counter measure is to question their manhood by daring the player to play Charlie Parker's "Donna Lee" at 230 beats per minute. That should shut 'em up!

TENOR SAX: (See Alto Sax) Counter measure, throw down the gauntlet with a dare to render John Coltrane's "Giant Steps."

BARITONE SAX: A tenor or alto wannabe, this instrument is flaccid and harmless unless played in the style of Stephen "Doc" Kupka (Tower of Power). His sporadic well placed grunting and punctuated style, when discovered by young players, can cause discomfort among the average school director. The only counter measure to this is self-medication by the teacher in the form of tequila shots or similar substances.

TRUMPET: Obviously one would think that a trumpeter's greatest weapon is his ability to play high notes at great volume. This misconception has been perpetuated unwittingly by great performers like Maynard Ferguson and Dizzy Gillespie. The danger is not in the player who can play high. The danger lies in the player who thinks he can play high. A young player's incessant caterwauling and inflated ego are a danger to himself and all those around him. The most effective counter measure is to allow the player to continue his high note practice (even encourage him to go higher and louder) until his lips explode or he cracks a tooth jamming his face into the mouthpiece.

FRENCH HORN: French horns thankfully are a danger only to a small group of people, as their bells point in the wrong direction. They are only a danger to those unfortunate enough to have to sit behind them. Their intonation problems and constant cracking of pitches is of great annoyance to those brass players sitting behind them. Though lately the introduction of Plexiglas reflectors has reduced the danger to those behind the horns, unfortunately it presents a greater danger to the players themselves and those in front of them. Upon hearing their actual tones coming back at them, some hornists have been known to actually vomit on stage due to the hideousness of their own tone.

TROMBONE: A unique application, the instrument itself is not the real danger. The person playing the instrument is what is truly dangerous. The trombone and its player are the original "smart bomb." This weapon is most effective in high tech warfare areas. Insertion of one or more trombonists into a warfare computer center instantly lowers the aggregate I.Q. in the room. The trombonist's incredible stupidity is a lethal bio weapon that spreads at an incredible rate. Within 5 minutes of exposure, all computer operators within a 50-foot radius are reduced to drooling idiots incapable of the simplest motor functions and bowel control. Use of trombonists as weapons was outlawed by the Geneva Convention in 1999 after an ugly incident at a Dixieland convention in Sacramento.

BARITONE/EUPHONIUM: This is a weapon of mass confusion. Euphonium players are the Rodney Dangerfields of the brass world. Young players especially don't know their place in the band. They double French horns, trombones, saxophones, tubas in octaves, bass clarinets, bassoons...yadda, yadda, yadda! Euphonium orchestral parts are played by the second trombone or worse, the tuba player! For this reason most euphonium ... baritone ...whatever ... players resort to doubling on trombone. This is when they become dangerous. (See trombone.)

TUBA: This is a sonic weapon that when set off can produce sub sonic tones causing a general feeling of uneasiness and queasiness to those within its effective range. In addition, one may attach a sousaphone to a marching column of soldiers. As all tubists drag, the ever-slowing performance of um-pahs will eventually reduce the marching soldiers to a snail's pace causing them to be late for a battle or not arrive at all. The most effective countermeasure is to feed the tubist with great quantities of beer (imports if you have them). It won't improve his playing but makes him more enjoyable to be around.

SNARE DRUM/TRAP SET: This weapon affects only a very small demographic: teenage girls and the fathers of these girls with steady jobs and liquid bank accounts. The snare drummer and the jazz/rock variety of set player act almost like a computer worm. The drummer will attach himself to an unsuspecting teenage girl and milk her and her father's finances in such a way as to not be noticed by the father until it is too late. Drummers are the leeches of the music world and can only be countered by being forced to get a real day job. This will reduce the drummer's "coolness" factor and the daughter will immediately lose interest.

Don't thank me ... it's just another way in which I hope to bring to your notice the dangers that lurk around you, and of which you may not be aware. If you play one of these instruments and recognize yourself, well, what can I say?

Have a good day. Face the music and dance. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

What's in Your Juke Box?

I've been on vacation since last Wednesday, and today is the day I have to grit my teeth, put my nose to the wheel and my shoulder to the grindstone, and go back to work (Mike: insert snarky comment about the joys of retirement here). Once again, I have clothes to match, lunch to pack, etc, etc, etc ... and so I think I'll do a relatively short post. In honor of digital friend and fellow blogger Andrea, how about let's talk about music this morning?

It seems that today is the anniversary of the date in 1889 that the juke box made its first appearance. The device was installed at the Palais Royale Saloon in San Francisco, and consisted of an Edison Class M Electric Phonograph inside an oak cabinet, with tubes coming out of the cabinet through which, when the appropriate coin was inserted in the slot, the music could be heard. In its first six months of service, the first juke box earned more than $1,000 - quite a sum of money for the time.

The first juke boxes were less popular than their major competition, the coin-operated player piano, because their sound quality was inferior. The first jukebox with a sound quality good enough to entertain an entire room wasn't introduced until 1927. After that, the juke box took off, with famous companies like Wurlitzer, Rock-Ola, and Seeburg producing boxes of every size from the table-top boxes popular in roadside diners ..

to the larger boxes popular in bars and dance halls, containing hundreds or thousands of records that could be played in exchange for one's coins ...

So here's today's question: what would be the first five songs you'd put in your juke box if you had one on your desk? Here are mine:

1. Still Me, by Erkan Aki.

2. Four-Twenty AM, by David Rose and his Orchestra.

3. The Perfect Partner, by Jimmy Buffett.

4. Song for Judith (Open the Door), by Judy Collins.

5. Pachelbel's Canon in D, by Johannes Pachelbel.

Probably not five choices you'd see in the average honky-tonk, but hey - it's my blog?

What's in your juke box? Add your list to the comments.

And now, it's off to the salt mines.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Pineapple Upside Down Cake, and Great Moments in Musical History

This is another of those busy mornings, when I'm flying to get everything done before I have to leave for work. So two quick things for today.

As you know if you've been with me for long on my blogging journey, I love to cook, and I'm actually pretty good at it. Baking, not so much. But every once in a while, I can pull a rabbit out of my baker's hat (why not check out John's blog, speaking of magic hats) - here is a picture of the Pineapple Upside Down Cake (my favorite!) that I baked last night for today's office potluck party...

One of my regular readers and commenters is Bandit, who is a retired music teacher. In his honor, and with a tip of the hat to long-suffering teachers everywhere, here are a few great moments in music history, as documented in grade school students' responses to test questions on classical music by author Richard Lederer in his wonderful book, Anguished English ...

J.S. Bach died from 1750 to the present.

Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.

Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing.

Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.

Henry Purcell is a well-known composer few people have ever heard of.

An opera is a song of bigly size.

A harp is a nude piano.

Aaron Copland is one of our most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.

A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.

I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.

Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.

My favorite composer is opus.

Probably the most marvelous fugue was between the Hatfields and the McCoys.

My very best liked piece is the bronze lullaby.

Here's to all you teachers out there! Some of us really appreciate you.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

The Natural State...or Not?

At the intersection of philosophy, anthropology, religion, economics, and - of course - sex, lies the age-old question: is monogamy the natural state of existence for us humans?

There are a lot of interesting aspects to this question, and how you answer it rather depends on the angle from which you approach it. From a religious perspective, we note a staggering 20% of the ten commandments (two out of ten) deal with the issue: "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife." Evolutionary biologists draw their conclusions based on the size and alignment of the male and female sexual anatomy. Anthropologists note that women have an economic and security interest in finding a healthy, virile mate who is not only good in bed, but also willing to invest the time required to rear children who take a long time to reach maturity (if, in fact, they ever do). They also point to the difference between the share-everything mentality of the hunter-gatherer human society and the it's-mine-stay-away mentality of the settled agricultural community. Hugh Hefner, for his part, observes that ... well ... we all know what Hef observes, and observes far more frequently than most of the rest of us.

There's an interesting recent article on this topic by Christopher Ryan titled Monogamy Unnatural for Our Sexy Species. You may want to read this for its entertaining and thought-provoking look at a contentious topic. Much of what Mr Ryan writes echoes the observations made by Desmond Morris many years ago in his classic book The Naked Ape, which you may also want to read if you're interested in theories of why we act the way we do.

If nothing else, you can learn from Mr Ryan's article the wonderful euphemism female copulatory vocalization for scream of sexual ecstasy. He doesn't mention other vocalizations we tend to use in discussions of sexual matters, such as the expression I love you. When used by men, this expression frequently means I want to have sex with you ... as opposed to the related expression Will you marry me?, which often means I want to have sex with you and I don't want anyone else to.

But that's a linguistic diversion from the central issue of whether or not we are a naturally monogamous species. You can make scientific, religious, and social science arguments on both sides of the question. All I know for sure is that monogamy is clearly the natural state for men who know that their wives will give them a Lorena Bobbitt trim if they stray.

And that trumps all the anthropological, sociological, and religious reasons for fidelity you might be able to name.

Have a good day. If you're married, have it with just one mate ... it's safer and cheaper in the long run.

More thoughts tomorrow, when Cartoon Saturday helps you recover from the rigors of the week.

Bilbo

The Sound of Then

I enjoy listening to classical music, although I don't recognize many specific pieces by name. There are a few pieces I can hear and name (Beethoven's Fifth Symphony, Strauss's Blue Danube Waltz, Mussorgsky's A Night on Bare Mountain, and Rimsky-Korsakov's Flight of the Bumblebee, and a few others), but for the most part it just washes over me in a tide of pleasantly entertaining sound.

But is it the sound the composer actually heard at the time he wrote the music?

Yesterday I read this fascinating article in MSN Slate Magazine: "In Search of Lost Sounds: Why You've Never Really Heard the 'Moonlight' Sonata." Author Jan Swofford writes that "During the 19^th century, Viennese pianos were noted for their lightness of touch and tone and British pianos for a more robust build, touch, and sound; French pianos lay somewhere between ... When composers wrote for these instruments they sometimes loved them and sometimes chafed at their limitations, but in any case they wrote for those sounds, that touch, those bells and whistles."

Mr Swafford notes that, for instance, a piano built today will have a tone very different from the pianos Beethoven and Strauss knew in their day. Construction techniques were different, the treatment of the materials used was different, and composers wrote their music based on the quality of sound they were used to hearing from the available instruments. In some cases, those sounds are not only quite different from those we hear and know today but, as Mr Swofford explains, some cannot even be accurately reproduced on modern instruments.

If you enjoy classical music - or even if you just enjoy a good tale of how things change over time - read the article and play the audio clips which are included. For a few minutes, you can hear music as audiences heard it in the past, and as the great composers imagined it as they wrote.

If you like rap or heavy metal "music," never mind. Your ears are probably a lost cause, anyhow.

Have a good day. Listen to some beautiful music.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo