Friday, January 15, 2016

The Right-Cheek Ass Clown for January, 2016


Welcome to the first of our twice-a-month Ass Clown Awards for 2016!


If you thought that the changing of the year would make a difference in the number of ass clowns out there in the wild, you may as well forget it ... the number is large and growing exponentially, as they seem to breed like rabbits. And given that it's an election year, well ...

The choice of an ass clown to dishonor is always difficult because the field is so large and the competition so intense. Selection is a job worthy of Mike Rowe, but since he's busy, I guess I have to keep stepping up to the plate.

And so it is, ladies and gentlemen, Dear Readers, that I name

The Right-Cheek Ass Clown
for
January, 2016

Ammon Bundy


As the more-or-less leader of the "Citizens for Constitutional Freedom," Mr Bundy has demonstrated an amazing level of cognitive dissonance, lack of understanding of the Constitution, and monumental hypocrisy as he occupies a remote national bird sanctuary to illustrate the seriousness of his demand the federal government stop "overreaching" by giving up publicly-held land so that it can be exploited by ranchers, miners, and other industries. The "overreaching" government that Mr Bundy rails about would be the same one that provided him a $530,000 small business loan for his truck maintenance business in Arizona, and provides him with numerous other taxpayer-funded handouts.

For first-class hypocrisy and loud shouting about the Constitution, of which he knows precious little, Ammon Bundy is named our Right Cheek Ass Clown for January, 2016.

Sorry, Ammon, we don't deliver the award to bird sanctuaries.

Have a good day, and come back tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday. More thoughts then.

Bilbo

Thursday, January 14, 2016

Two Speeches


Unlike most people, I very much enjoy public speaking. I enjoy the challenge of crafting a good speech that will convey ideas and, perhaps, sway opinions. I enjoy the rush of standing up in front of a group, no matter how large, delivering the words I’ve written, and judging by the audience’s response whether or not I achieved my purpose. Yes, I get a certain amount of “stage fright,” but it’s minimized by the knowledge that I’ve prepared well and am doing something not very many people would be comfortable doing, or could do as well*. I also enjoy listening to a good speech, because I can appreciate both the hard work that went into crafting it and the feelings of the speaker as he or she delivers it.

I’d like to talk about two speeches: President Obama’s final State of the Union address (or “SOTU,” to use the somewhat vulgar abbreviation), and the Republican response delivered by South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley. You can read the transcript of the President’s address here and the transcript of Governor Haley’s response here. If you didn’t watch the two speeches live, go ahead and read the transcripts before you go on with this post. I’ll wait.

Done? Okay, let's go on.

First, let me talk about the President’s speech. As a public speaker of some experience, I think it was an excellent address and seemed to accomplish what Mr Obama intended: to rise above the rancor and ill will of the last few years, make his claims about what he saw as the successes of his tenure in office, and express his fundamental optimism about the future. Although I know that he did not write the speech himself (I know from personal experience that it was drafted by a committee and vetted by a small army of experts from every department of the government**), I thought it was a good look into his mind as he looks back on the last seven years of his administration and ahead to the final one. He made a number of claims (which were immediately fact-checked by numerous organizations, both independent and partisan), all of which used the usual amount of positive spin, and none of which were outright lies. He took credit for what he viewed as his successes and acknowledged where he had fallen short. In short, he tried to appeal to the better angels of our nature***.

Mr Obama’s speech was severely criticized by some, as is only to be expected in today’s environment. And to be sure, he did not propose major new programs or say all the things that each particular interest group hoped he would say. But I thought it was a good speech for a difficult time, for presentation to a very difficult audience.

Now let’s turn to Governor Haley’s rejoinder. This was also an excellent speech, and in choosing Governor Haley – born to immigrant parents from India – to deliver it, the GOP tried to send a message of inclusiveness that has been missing from most of its public rhetoric and actions. Her speech was a calm and reasoned rejection of most of what the President had to say, as is only to be expected in today’s environment. But the main thing that struck me was that it sounded very much like an audio version of the Republican postmortem study completed after the last election, in which the party attempted to take a clear-eyed view of what went wrong and what it needed to do in order to win future elections – you can read a copy of that study, "The Growth and Opportunity Project," here.

As you may recall, that study made a large number of policy and action recommendations for improving the GOP’s standing with the American public, most of which have been ignored in favor of the passions of the time. Governor Haley presented a list of the things that the GOP would do “if we held the White House,” all of which were espoused in the “Growth and Opportunity Project,” but the list was short on “hows.”+ One in particular caught my attention: “We would end a disastrous health care program, and replace it with reforms that lowered costs and actually let you keep your doctor.” A party with sound and constructive policy ideas would already have placed such reforms on the table in the form of new legislation, rather than forcing more than 50 separate time-wasting and useless votes on repealing the existing health care law.

Governor Haley’s speech drew a picture of the Republican Party to which I once belonged with pride, but which has since driven me away and sunk into a festering pool of denial, anger, and intolerance. I could rejoin and support the GOP of which Governor Haley spoke, but I don’t think it really exists, and until it does, I’ll be stuck where I’ve been for the last few election cycles – voting for the best bad option.

A good speech makes people think and inspires them to action. Both President Obama and Governor Haley gave very good speeches on Monday night, but they gave them largely to audiences that have already made up their minds. Neither speech is likely to change anyone’s opinion, but they were great theater, and worthy of study by people who love quality oratory ... if not quality ideas.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

P.S. - By the way, Governor Haley's speech is being loudly condemned ... by Republican conservatives. Good luck with the message you were trying to send, Governor.
B.

* Pats self on back.

** Some years ago, I was one of the people in the Pentagon who reviewed an early draft of an SOTU speech for another president. The draft I reviewed didn’t look very much like the speech that was actually delivered.

*** A quote from a Republican president – Abraham Lincoln – in his first inaugural address.

+ In fairness, a short up-yours rejoinder speech is not the place to lay out detailed policy proposals, but those haven't really been laid out anywhere else, either. For an interesting view on the difference between Republicans and Democrats as regards their approach to policy, read this.

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

House for Sale


Long-time readers may remember that one of my dreams is to live in a Really Big House. I wrote on the topic twice before: in 2009, when I pointed out that my dream of a Really Big House was limited by budgetary restraints which narrowed my selection to homes like this one:


... and again in 2012, when I told you about a magnificent, huge model home we'd visited that was pretty much everything I'd ever wanted:


But now this is on the market:


Yes, Dear Readers, the iconic 21,987 square foot Tudor-Gothic Playboy Mansion is up for sale, for a mere $200 million! It comes complete with it's own private zoo license, swimming pool, "game house," guest house, underground swimming grotto, movie theater, and ... well ... an elderly tenant. A condition of the sale is that the current owner, Playboy geezer emeritus Hugh Hefner, be permitted to stay in residence for the rest of his life. 

Now, I could see myself living in a 22-room mansion. Of course, housecleaning and gardening would be an issue, and chances are that Agnes wouldn't be very understanding about the tenant's wild parties featuring scantily-clad young maidens. But the guy is almost 90 years old now, and he won't be around forever, right?

I wonder if he'd leave the ladies. Or maybe just a few of them. For the ambience, you know.

Have a good day. I'll let you know when the housewarming party is.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

When Are You Really an Adult?


I read a fascinating article in the Atlantic Monthly the other day: When Are You Really an Adult?  The subhead of the article's title was: "In an age when the line between childhood and adulthood is blurrier than ever, what is it that makes people grown up?"


That's a very good question, given how a lot of people behave lately. As we see every day, acceptable behavior is not normally a good indication of responsible adulthood. Angel posted a few college fraternity house banners in a post the other day which clearly demonstrate that adulthood is but a mirage shimmering on the distant horizon for many young men* whose mental age is far short of their physical one.

The article provides an interesting discussion of the various ways in which we determine that someone is an adult, among them:

Chronological age (generally 18 or 21 years);

Biological age (puberty, the age at which bone growth ends, etc);

Legal age (there are numerous variations of this, based on the age at which one may legally smoke, drink, drive, buy weapons, enlist in the military, etc). These vary widely from state to state and nation to nation;

Age of Consent (whatever that means in a society as soaked in sex as ours is);

Completion of a social or religious ceremonial rite (bar/bat mitzvah, confirmationquinceaƱera, etc);

Graduation from an educational program (high school, generally at 18; or college, generally at 21 or 22);

Marriage (probably not a good measure if a shotgun was involved); or,

Becoming a parent.

I don't think that any one of these, by itself, is a true marker of adulthood. Clearly, chronological age is not a valid measure, as there are both a lot of very mature pre-teens and a great many utter morons of more advanced age (as in Congress, or the clowns occupying the bird sanctuary in Oregon). Biological age is also unreliable, particularly given that the age of puberty seems to be dropping and will probably reach 6 before I shuffle off my mortal coil. Ceremonies are nice, but mean nothing. And it's obvious from the number of children with single teenage parents (generally with no father taking responsibility) that parenthood is not a good measure, either.

I'd never really thought about this in relation to my own life. In fact, I don't think I ever considered a line that divided my childhood from my adulthood. Looking back, I think I could identify three events that might have served.

The first was my commissioning as a Second Lieutenant in the Air Force back in 1973**. I was 21 years old at the time, and a new graduate of Penn State with a shiny new Linguistics degree clutched in my hand. When I stood in Schwab Auditorium on campus, raised my right hand, and took the commissioning oath, I was agreeing to accept responsibilities far greater than any I'd had before ... including the responsibility to give up my life if that was called for. It should have been a serious wake-up call, but I don't remember if I recognized it as such.

The second came in May of 1974, when my first child was born and I realized I was responsible for shaping a life other than my own***.

The third came just last year when my father passed away, making me suddenly the patriarch of the family. My mother died in 2001, and with dad's passing I no longer had an honored and respected family elder to ask for advice or counsel, and no more direct connection to a long and fascinating family history ... all of a sudden, I became that family elder, with a need to show that I deserved the honor and respect we'd all paid to dad. This is the one that hit home ... and I was 63 years old.

The question of when we become adults is a complicated one, and the answer is different for everyone. Agnes would probably question - frequently - whether I've crossed that boundary, myself. There's no good single measure, and it's probably a judgment that needs to be made by persons other than oneself.

Just be sure to ask Agnes about me on a good day, okay?

Have a good day. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

* Inasmuch as I have a granddaughter who is approaching college age, I take a pretty dim view of such things.

** Those of you who have served in the military will no doubt question whether a Second Lieutenant is actually an "adult," but just work with me on this, okay?

*** My children have grown into fine, strong, capable adults ... in spite of my mistakes and shortcomings, which are legion.

Monday, January 11, 2016

Musical Monday


I have a lot of "favorite" songs ... but this one is high on the list. It's got a great melody, great lyrics, it's sung by The King - Elvis Presley, whose birthday we celebrated last Friday ... and it's a great swing dance tune. What more could you want?



Extra points if you know what a "zone" is.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Sunday, January 10, 2016

Poetry Sunday


One of the great pastime pleasures of my youth was playing Monopoly. I would get together with my friends, many years before we understood the harsh reality of mortgages and utility bills, and we would spend hours - sometimes days - in marathon sessions of buying, selling, and trading. We'd sweat desperately over the rolls of the dice that brought us close to Boardwalk and Park Place, and hope that luck would cause our opponents to land on our properties before we landed on theirs.

This poem by Barbara Crooker brings back memories of those happier days ...

Monopoly: 1955 
by Barbara Crooker 

We start by fanning out the money, colored
like Necco wafers: pink, yellow, mint, gold.
From the first roll of the dice, differences widen:
the royal blues of Boardwalk and Park Place
look down their noses at the grapey immigrants
from Baltic and Mediterranean Avenues.
My grandparents coming from Italy in steerage
measured their gold in olive oil, not bank notes
and deeds. The man in the top hat and tuxedo
always holds the good cards. The rest of us
hope we can pay the Electric Company.
We know there is no such thing as Free Parking,
and Bank Errors are never in our favor.
In the background, Johnny Mathis croons
Chances Are from the cracked vinyl radio.
We played for hours, in those years
before television, on the Formica table,
while my mother coaxed a chicken,
cooking all day on the back burner, to multiply
itself into many meals. The fat rose to the surface,
a roiling ocean of molten gold.

Playing Monopoly is still fun ... more fun than paying real bills with real money.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow, when Musical Monday returns.

Bilbo

Saturday, January 09, 2016

Cartoon Saturday


Well, if you thought that 2016 just had to be better than 2015, I have some news for you ...

A group of heavily armed dumbasses claiming to represent "the American People" continued their occupation of a remote federal wildlife facility in Oregon; North Korea claimed to have detonated a hydrogen bomb; in China, bulldozers demolished part of a hospital and its adjoining morgue following a dispute between the hospital and the local government over use of the property for a new road project; anti-refugee sentiment in Germany has soared after a gang of drunken young men, apparently of Arab and North African descent, attacked about 90 women at New Year's celebrations in Cologne; and the Dow had its worst four-day start to a year ever recorded, as investors panicked over drops in the Chinese stock market.

Enough of all that ... it's time to get on with the cartoons. It's been a while since we've featured cartoons about symbols, so ...

This one is a bit less funny now that I'm close to drawing on that savings ...


Well, it is ...


Boy George sang about this place in "Comma Chameleon," didn't he? ...


The Almighty really threw Noah a curve, didn't He? She? Whatever ...


It's quadruplets!! ...


Math and theology. Right ...


Growing numerical families ...


Hamlet as a teenager ...


I've seen performers like this ...


You had to see this one coming ...


And there you have it - the second Cartoon Saturday of 2016. Stay with me ... we'll have another 50 of them before the end of the year.

It's going to be a cool and rainy weekend here in NoVa, which isn't great, but at least doesn't need to be shoveled. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Have a good day and a great weekend. Come back tomorrow for Poetry Sunday ... more thoughts then.

Bilbo

Friday, January 08, 2016

Great Moments in Editing


Do you realize we haven't had a collection of Great Moments in Editing since last year? Wow ... I'd better get right to it ...

Well, duh ...


I suppose this is the park's retirement plan ...


What more can I say on this one? ...


I think I need to check this place out ...


Well, it's one way to fix a bay window ...


I predict a lawsuit coming ...


Here's my part-time post-retirement job ...


Makes sense to me ...


It's not really an editorial faux pas, but it's a great juxtaposition of signs, isn't it? ...


All this discussion of gender issues is getting out of hand ...


Welcome to another year of Great Moments in Editing! Come back tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday ... more thoughts then.

Bilbo

Thursday, January 07, 2016

Bilbo's Bucket List, Updated for 2016


The last time I updated my bucket list (the things I want to do/accomplish before I "kick the bucket") was back in August of 2010, so I figured the start of a new year was a good time to take a look at my list and see if it still reflects my goals. Let's take a look ...

1. Dance at the weddings of all my grandchildren. If Ava (the youngest) gets married at 21, I'll be 81, so that's probably still doable.

2. Hold my first (at least) great-grandchild and tell him/her stories. Still doable.

3. Visit Vienna (Austria) and St Petersburg (Russia). I'm pretty sure I'll get to Vienna once I've retired, because it's not all that far from Germany. Not so sure about St Petersburg ... it rather depends on whether or not we're getting along with Mr Putin. Perhaps I'll replace St Petersburg with Helsinki or Stockholm (I've been to Oslo and Copenhagen). I'm also adding Warsaw, Budapest, and Prague to the list.

4. Take a really long cruise with Agnes, to Australia or across the Atlantic to the Baltic or something. Yep ... still on the list. But I think I'd also add a nice river cruise, either the length of the Rhein or the Danube (which would help with #3, going by Vienna, Budapest, and Prague). We love cruising.

5. Dance a waltz with Edyta Sliwinska. I'd still love to dance that waltz, but I think I'll add Sharna Burgess as a possible partner, too. Or why not dance with both of them?


6. Get my PhD. This may not be quite as doable any more, as I haven't been able to narrow down the field of study I want and the topic I'd want to do my dissertation on. Perhaps I'll aim just a bit lower and go for a second Masters degree, either in Political Science or Linguistics. Perhaps with a paper that connects linguistics and politics. Hmmm ...

7. Publish at least one book. My mother told me once that she thought I had at least one good book inside me, and who am I to disappoint her? Once I'm retired and have more time to write, this may be one of my first activities.

8. Publish at least one article in a magazine. This is probably easier than the book, and so maybe I'll try this to get myself into the writing habit for the longer book.

So, that's my slightly-revised bucket list for 2016 and beyond. We'll see how it goes. And as for you, Dear Readers, what sorts of things are on your bucket lists? Leave a comment.

Have a good day. Don't kick the bucket any time soon.

See you tomorrow for Great Moments in Editing.

Bilbo

Wednesday, January 06, 2016

Ten Interesting Facts


With all the other things going on this week as we speed into the new year, it's not easy to find the time to keep up with blogging, so I decided for today to go simple and dip once again into the list of topics suggested in the 30-Day Writing Challenge. The one I've picked for today directs me to write down ten interesting facts about myself. There are a few problems with a topic like this. One is, of course, oversharing ... there's a difference between "interesting" and "icky"; another is that "facts" nowadays don't mean what they used to; a third is that what I think is "interesting" might not match up with your definition. Nevertheless, I'll press on and present what I think are ten relatively interesting facts about myself that you may or may not already know ...

1. I hosted a radio program on WEBR, Fairfax County public radio, for nine years. It was called "The Audio Attic" and featured music of all genres in playlists built around specific themes for each show. I also did a bogus newscast and had a cast of recurring characters for whom I did all the voices: Wallace Goldersnobble, the Fairfax County Curmudgeon-at-Large*; Wilbur Dweeb, the Executive Assistant to the Station Manager; Spike Bicep, the sports announcer; and several others. People have always told me I had a face made for radio ...

2. I have three children and six grandchildren that I love deeply ... which is one reason why I care so much about good manners, the state of the world, and the condition of American society. I'd hate to leave them stuck with the mess we've worked so hard to create.

3. I speak fluent conversational German, and have studied Russian. I speak German with an accent, but on meeting me, Germans generally think I'm Dutch, rather than American. My old Russian teacher told me that I spoke "a perfect accent without a trace of Russian" ... a measure of her assessment of my excellent pronunciation and terrible grasp of grammar.

4. #3 was a result of majoring in Linguistics at Penn State University.

5. I have lived in two different cities in Germany - Wiesbaden (twice) and Berlin, and have traveled widely in Europe. As you might suspect, Germany is my favorite European country.

6. Agnes and I were competitive ballroom dancers as a Pro-Am couple for about ten years. There's a lot to be said for a sport you can play while holding on to a beautiful woman in a classy gown.

7. I enjoy writing of all sorts, particularly chatty letters to good friends. Some of you already know this from my previous offers of handwritten letters.

8. I have some acting experience as a result of participating in two high school class plays. It helps when entertaining small children.

9. I'm a pretty good amateur gourmet cook. I can't bake worth a darn, but my cooking is quite good, even if I say so myself. Agnes isn't complaining, anyhow.

10. I'm a history buff, with particular interest in the two World Wars and the interwar period.

So there you go ... more than you ever wanted to know about Bilbo in ten items. Now tell me, what should the rest of us know about you? Leave a comment with one interesting fact about yourself.

Have a good day, and be interesting. Everyone has a story.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* If you read the header on my blog, you may have noticed that I style myself as the Fairfax County Curmudgeon-at-Large ... Mr Goldersnobble has retired, and I took his place.