Monday, February 23, 2009

Little-Known Laws

I believe in obeying the law. When you think about it, the willingness to obey laws represents our willingness to sacrifice some of our personal freedom for the greater good and safety, and it's one of the things that sets us apart from other animals. More or less. Some laws are unjust, of course, and we are fortunate to live in a country that allows us ways to petition to have them changed. Some laws are just dumb. And some laws are unwritten, but no less binding...

The Law of Inconvenient Lubrication - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Heisenberg's Corollary to the Law of Gravity - Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible location and randomly change its location as you blindly grope for it.

The Law of Observational Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

The Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

The Law of Conservation of Alibis - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

The Law of Variation of Rates of Movement - If you change checkout lines in a store, or traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one to which you moved.

Bilbo's Law of Event Arrival - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle will arrive last, will be very large, and will require that everyone in the row stand up so that they can squeeze past. At least one will step on your foot.

The Starbucks Law of Declining Temperature - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Locker Selection - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

The Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

The Law of Theoretically Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about (see Congress).

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it (has anyone seen the Mexican beer called Simpatico that disappeared years ago?).

The Law of Medical Treatment Necessity - If you don't feel well and make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. If you don't make an appointment, you'll stay sick.

Bilbo's First Law of Automotive Thermodynamics - the amount of time needed for your car's heater to become fully operational can be calculated by subtracting one minute from the total amount of time necessary for the trip. If the outside air temperature is below zero degrees Fahrenheit, subtract five seconds from this figure for each degree below zero.

There are lots of other such laws, but you get the idea. It's just part of life.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

12 comments:

The Mistress of the Dark said...

Law of Random Numbers = so true

bandit said...

These are great!!!

pipe dope 1) seals plumber's crack 2) idiot plumber 3) plumber on crack

Amanda said...

This is a very clever list!

This one seems to follow me everywhere : The Law of Variation of Rates of Movement

John said...

"The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act."

I hate that one!

wv: appedle.. a dyslexic that has been pummeled by apples.

fiona said...

I thought these things only happened randomly, to ME. I feel much better now that I know they're LAWS! Thank you.

wv- rapplis - When your rap deserts you

fiona said...

Bilbo!
I've lost Mike!
His page is downloading but it's blank?
What's going on? Alien abduction?

Twinkie said...

Simpatico? hmm. I'd never seen it. And now it's gone?

I am a big fan of Negra Modelo.

Mike said...

"Marketing Strategy"

I've purchased a certain type of all purpose winter coat from Sears for 30 years. The last time I did it online. I just liked that type of coat and I never worried about what happened to it because I could always get another one. Until now.

Wv - meadv - I'm going forward.

Bilbo said...

Andrea - always works for me, too!

Bandit - I assume pipedope was your verification word...

Amanda - that law gets everyone, everywhere!

John - I couldn't agree more.

Fiona 1 - you're not alone!

Fiona 2 - we can only hope...

Twinkie - Simpatico...wonderful beer...came in black longneck bottles. My local Giant supermarket carried it for a long time, and then it suddenly disappeared and I haven't found it anywhere since. I'm not a big beer fan, but I LOVED Simpatico. Negra Modelo is good, but it's not Simpatico...

Mike said...

Comment Response Score -
Fiona 2; Mike 0

Wv - ophoxe - New skin cream made from old telephones.

Blog Stalker said...

Great laws. Knew them all, just didn't know they were laws!

Have a great day!

Wanderlust said...

That Law of Event Arrival is so true. They also we be the people in the row at a sporting event that have to get up numerous time to buy beer, pee, buy more beer, pee..............