Friday, July 02, 2010

Driver Identification

There are drivers...

and there are drivers...

This morning in his blog, Mike discussed the most dangerous highways in the US. There are, indeed, many dangerous highways. Some of them are dangerous because of the way they were designed and built, some because they are carrying far more traffic than they were designed to handle, and some because the majority of the drivers on them are utter morons.

I live in the greater Washington, DC, area. Our roads fall into all three categories.

And because every driver on Washington, DC highways came from somewhere else, here is a quick guide to how you can identify a driver's place of origin...

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

One hand holding cell phone, the other hand sending a message on the BlackBerry, reading a newspaper, drinking a cup of Starbucks, weaving in and out of traffic to advance one car length in heavy traffic, and complaining about all the idiots on the road: Washington, DC

One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California (with gun in lap: L.A.)

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

Left lane, 90 mph, flashing lights at slower traffic ahead: Germany

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonald's bag out the window: Texas city male

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, 70 mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male

One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand alternating between mousse, brush and rat-tail to keep the helmet of hair just right, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado

Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male

Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida senior citizen

Sixteen people in a six-passenger car, with another four in the trunk: Mexico or points south

Now you know, for all the good it will do you.

Have a good day and a great Fourth of July weekend (with apologies to my friends in the UK).

More thoughts tomorrow, when Cartoon Saturday returns.



allenwoodhaven said...

I tried but couldn't load a comic that fits this post: it's a road sign that reads " Caution: Jerks and Idiots next 10,000,000 miles"

Bandit said...

That pretty much sums it up although I did see a guy eating a bowl of cereal while driving in rush hour.

Mike said...

Bandit did mention on my blog that he also recently saw a kiddie on a crotch rocket going by him at 100mph doing a wheely. I think those guys are technically called organ donors.

Chrissy said...

I'd like to see what Atlanta's would be...maybe something about how they all drive SUV's - yet have no idea what 4WD stands for.