Thursday, January 23, 2014

A Team By Any Other Name

Well, I'm back. Actually, I was never gone. I was just in a state of cold-induced suspended animation. It's six big degrees outside my study window, and the beautiful white blanket of snow we had at this time yesterday morning is now plowed, piled, sand-strewn, and pretty yucky-looking. The joy of winter, eh?

But enough about snow, let's talk about what we call our sports teams.

Most of the time, we give our teams names that reflect things like powerful animals (Bears, Lions, Tigers, Eagles) or local history and industry (Steelers, Ravens, Brewers). It's important to select the right name, because who wants to cheer for the Fond du Lac Ground Sloths or the Bayonne Loan Sharks? Not so long ago, we changed the name of the local basketball franchise from the Washington Bullets to the Washington Wizards because bullets was deemed an unfortunate allusion to the all-too-frequent fatal exercise of Second Amendment rights on the streets of the city.

The name of the team is a matter of no small importance here in Disneyland-on-the-Potomac, where there is a loud and furious debate concerning the name of the local football team: the Washington Redskins.

On one side of the argument are those who believe the name Redskins is a tremendously offensive slur against Native Americans*, a name that could only be worse if it were changed to something like the Washington Dreaded N-Words. So, what should we change the name to?

We could call them the Senators ... this was the former name of the local baseball franchise that today is called the Nationals, probably because of the realization that senators are hopelessly off-base and out of touch with reality. No, probably not a good choice.

If Senators doesn't work, how about calling them the Washington Representatives? Hmmm ... no, that probably won't work, because then every member of the team would only be interested in running the plays favored in his home district.

We could call them the Washington Republicans ... although it would imply that the team has only one play in its playbook, and continues to use it over and over again even though it doesn't work and pisses off large numbers of potential fans.

We could call them the Washington Democrats ... this would be appropriate for a team that has no playbook at all.

We could change the name to the Washington Lobbyists ... the team wouldn't even need to play - they could just buy off the opposing teams and win by default.

The Washington Evangelicals probably wouldn't have a prayer of winning**.

What do you think, Dear Readers? What would be an appropriate new name for the Washington Redskins, and why? Leave a comment.

Have a good day. Stay warm. More thoughts tomorrow.


* The people we used to call "Indians" in a less-enlightened time.

** Much like the current team.


eViL pOp TaRt said...

How about the Washington Clowns? That would cover both houses of the Legislative Branch and both major parties.

Or the Washington Hookers.

Duckbutt said...

How about the Washington Inerts or the Washington Big Spenders?

Margaret (Peggy or Peg too) said...

Anything is better than it's current name....anything.

Dave Peterson said...

There are names like the New Orleans Jazz, which is a collective noun of sorts - how about the Washington Beltway?

KathyA said...

I've been to a few games. The name I heard the most coming from fans was "WTF".

Anemone said...

Why not name the team after some majestic bird as the Eagles, or Hawks, or Kestrels? Nearby Baltimore has the Ravens, and that's an ugly, raucous, unpleasant bird. (I know, the Poe angle that Baltimore uses to excess like Charm City.)

Mike said...

How about the Washington Yellow Belly's? You can get the sap franchise at the stadium for your retirement job. Everyone will be sucking sap and you'll get rich.

Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

I like the Washington Sentinels, after the fictitious team in the movie "The Replacements."

allenwoodhaven said...

How about the Washington Disenfranchised? DC doesn't get real representation in government. No, that's not good. I like evil pop tarts ideas.

The Bastard King of England said...

The Washington Dodos.

Big Sky Heidi said...

How about the Washington Remoras, since the team sucks,