Yes, it's me, Santa. I figured if Bilbo could let dogs and cats put guest posts on his blog, the least he could do is let me post, too. Of course, I sweetened the pot a little for him by agreeing not to put coal in his stocking this year*.
You may remember that I wrote here last year, too. Even a jolly old elf like me needs a place to let off steam once in a while, and believe you me, I've got quite a head up this year ...
You, Mr Trump ... you do realize that you're supposed to be the president of all the Americans, right - including the nearly three million that didn't vote for you? Lose the damn Twitter account and start acting like a responsible statesman and not a thin-skinned schoolyard bully. You'll find out soon enough that making Vlad Putin and your rich friends happy isn't going to be enough to keep those adoring crowds going to your I-Love-Me rallies.
And what's up with you, Congress? If I can get a bunch of lazy-ass elves to churn out enough toys for every child on earth - and deliver them all in one friggin' night, no less - I'd think you could at least pass a damn budget or vote on a Supreme Court nomination. No. All you want to do is poke fingers in each others eyes, hold useless hearings, and act stupid. Sit down and play nicely together, you idiots.
All you Republicans are looking at a pretty bleak Christmas morning. Since you elected a president who wants to keep all the foreigners out, I can't get a tourist visa to bring you the coal and sawdust you've worked so hard to earn. And once you lift all the limits on business so they can move jobs to Mexico or turn them over over to robots, you can explain to the people who voted for you why they don't have enough money to buy gifts for their families. Or afford housing and health care. Or why they can't drink their water or breathe their air. Good luck with that.
And don't think I've forgotten about you, Democrats ... you may be more warmhearted and socially responsible than the Republicans, but you still need to have a comprehensive program for governing, and figure out how to pay for everything you want to do. Start acting like you have a clue.
None of you is getting any guns for Christmas - you've got too many of those already, and I'm sick and tired of you using them on each other ... even on people in church and elementary school children in their classrooms. I'm tired of drunks shooting at Rudolph's nose as we fly by, too. So here's what I'm going to do: if you won't do anything to reduce gun violence, I won't even bother putting you on my Naughty List ... I'll just pass your name to the other guy with a red suit whose name begins with "S," and I can pretty much guarantee you don't want to be on his list.
That's all for now. Get your heads out of your butts and start showing a little humanity and Christmas spirit, or else. The NSA** and I see you when you're sleeping, know when you're awake, and know if you've been bad or good, so be good, for goodness sake.
P.S. - Bilbo says to be sure to cast those votes for Ass Clown of the Year, and reminds you to come back tomorrow for more thoughts.
* That means I have more to give to other, more deserving people ... like Congress and all those people who voted for Donald Trump. At least coal futures look bright now that the Trump administration is going to scuttle all the environmental regulations that have limited my supply. The snow will be black again, but hey - you can't have everything, can you?
** I had to subcontract the surveillance job ... I'm too busy keeping an eye on all those damn elves.