What the Next Generation is Learning

Der Furor has done almost immeasurable harm to this county in many areas: he has worked to wreck our health care system (in the middle of a pandemic); squandered the support and goodwill of our allies; enriched the rich while beggaring the middle and lower classes; and coarsened our discourse ... and all that's just for starters. The really sad part of it (aside from the fact that so many Americans who should know better are willing to forgive his excesses) is the effect his behavior and personality are having on our children and grandchildren.

I saw this meme on line the other day, and it really hits home:

What will our society look like when the last shreds of decency are gone from a generation that has learned the foul lessons of Der Furor? I certainly don't want to live in a country full of people who behave like him, but we may well do so.

Have a good day. Set a better example for your family than the fatuous, brutish, and ill-mannered ignoramus in the White House. 

More thoughts tomorrow, when we announce the Right-Cheek Ass Clown for September.

Bilbo

Great Moments In Musical History

I love music. So do most children, even if they have trouble expressing their knowledge about the subject. What follows is a collection of quotes supposedly drawn from essays about music written by grade school children ...

J.S. Bach died from 1750 to the present.

Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.

Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing.

Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.

Henry Purcell is a well-known composer few people have ever heard of.

An opera is a song of bigly size.

A harp is a nude piano

Aaron Copland is one of our most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.

A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.

I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.

Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.

My favorite composer is opus.

Probably the most marvelous fugue was between the Hatfields and the McCoys.

My very best liked piece is the bronze lullaby.


Have a good day. Enjoy the music. And come back tomorrow, when we'll announce our Left Cheek Ass Clown of the Month ... along with other news.

More thoughts then.

Bilbo

Rules Your Children Won't Learn in School

As I look back on my life and consider the lessons I would want to share with my children and grandchildren, I don't know if there's a better punch-in-the-gut summary of the real rules of life than this one. I don't remember where I originally found it, but I think it's worth sharing ...

Rule #1. Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teenager uses the phrase It's not fair! 8.6 times a day*. You got it from your parents, who said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, they understood Rule #1.

Rule #2. The real world won't care as much about your self-esteem as your school does. It expects you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self-esteem meets reality, kids complain that it's not fair (see Rule #1)

Rule #3. Sorry, you won't make $100,000 a year right out of high school. And you won't be a vice president or have a company car or phone or iPad, either. You may even have to wear a uniform that has your name, rather than a Gap label on it.

Rule #4. If you think your teacher is tough, wait 'til you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he is not going ask you how feel about it.

Rule #5. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren't embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about the latest web sensation all weekend.

Rule #6. It's not your parents' fault. If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of It's my life, You're not the boss of me, and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it's on your dime. Don't whine about it or you'll sound like a Gen Xer.

Rule #7. Before you were born your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents' generation try delousing the closet in your bedroom.

Rule #8. Life is not divided into semesters, and you don't get summers off. Nor even Easter break. Your employer expects you to show up for eight hours or more every day, volunteer for extra work, and not ask for ridiculous things like overtime pay. And you don't get a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on.

Rule #9. Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom or a "reality" show. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the sandwich shop to go to jobs. Your friends will not be perky or as polite as the ones on those Disney Channel shows.

Rule #10. Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.

Rule #11. Enjoy life while you can. Sure, parents are a pain, school's a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you'll realize how wonderful it was to be kid. Maybe you should start now.

Have a good day. Teach your children the right rules. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* My granddaughter Leya is only 7, and she uses it, too. A lot.

A Mother's Vocabulary

My granddaughter Leya celebrated her seventh birthday yesterday, and that happy event led me to dig out this summary of an experienced mother's vocabulary. If you've ever been a mother, you'll recognize these terms ...

Amnesia: The condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family Planning: (1) The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster. (2) The art of knowing which children can sit next to which other children to maintain maximum peace at the dinner table.

Feedback: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full Name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone uses foul language within 50 feet.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry clothes into it.

Show-Off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

Two Minute Warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words.

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

All of you mothers out there, I salute you.

Have a good day. Watch your language around toddlers. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Don't Touch That Dial!

I love being a grandparent. I have the fun of watching my grandchildren grow up, and the job of passing on to them the lessons I've learned through hard experience. It's also very interesting to watch them learn about the world around them ... which is, in countless ways, a very different world than the one in which I grew up. I'm amazed at how easily they've picked up on modern technology - at age 3, my granddaughter Elise understands and uses Agnes's iPad better than Agnes does. Or I do, for that matter.

I found this marvelous video on Miss Cellania's website this morning, and just had to share it with you. Warning up front: if you are a superannuated old coot like Mike and I, this is guaranteed to make you feel really old. Dear Readers, I give you the spectacle of modern children trying to figure out how to use a rotary phone ...

Feeling old yet?

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

I Resign

Dear Readers,

Having carefully observed the condition of the nation and the world, and the day-to-day lives of my grandchildren, I have decided to issue the following declaration ...

To Whom It May Concern:

I hereby officially tender my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of a six-year-old instead.

I want to go to McDonald's and think it's a four-star restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.

I want to think Skittles are better than money, because you can eat them.

I want to play kickball during recess and paint with watercolors in the park.

I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, addition tables and simple nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.

I want to return to a time when all you knew was to be happy because you didn't know all the things that should make you worried and upset.

I want to think that the world is fair, and that everyone in it is honest and good.

I want to believe that anything is possible.

Somewhere along the way as I passed too quickly through my youth, I learned too much. I learned about nuclear weapons, greed, war, prejudice, starvation and abused children.

I learned about lies, unhappy marriages, suffering, illness, pain and death.

I learned about a world where men left their families to go and fight for their country, and returned only to end up living on the streets begging for their next meal.

I learned about a world where children were taught how to kill.

What happened to the time when we thought that everyone would live forever, because we didn't grasp the concept of death? When we thought the worst thing in the world was if someone took the jump rope from you, or picked you last for kickball? I want to be oblivious to the complexity of life and be overly excited by little things once again.

I want to return to the days when reading was fun, and music was clean. When television was used to report the news or for family entertainment and not to promote sex, violence and deceit.

I remember being naive and thinking that everyone was happy because I was. I would walk on the beach and only think of the sand between my toes and the prettiest seashell I could find. I would spend my afternoons climbing trees and riding my bike. I didn't worry about time, bills, or where I was going to find the money to fix my car, pay my rent, or go to the doctor when I was sick. I used to wonder what I was going to do or be when I grew up, not worry about what I'll do if that didn't work out.

I want to live simply again. I don't want my days to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, suspense dates, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind and making angels in the snow.

I want to jump in big piles of leaves and think it's the funnest thing in the world.

I want to be six again.

Thank you.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

A Child's-Eye View of Science

I found this in my humor archive, and it seemed appropriate to share it with you, given that the children's opinions expressed below are at least as rational as many of the scientific beliefs held by many of the more conservative members of present-day America ...

A Child's-Eye View of Science

Question:  What is one horsepower?
Answer:  One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.

Talc is found on rocks and on babies.

The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.

When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy*. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.

Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.

South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.

Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees.  There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.

There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.

Lime is a green-tasting rock.

Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should**.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.

Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

To most people solutions mean finding the answers.  But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.

Clouds are high flying fogs.

I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.

Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.

Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.

We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.

Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.

Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog’s tongue will kill the strongest man.

A blizzard is when it snows sideways.

A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.

A monsoon is a French gentleman.

Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.

The wind is like the air, only pushier.

And there you have it - children's understanding of the mysteries of science. I think they will probably grow up to be conservative wingnuts***.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Sometimes we refer to them as "Members of Congress."

** True, dat! As my father used to say when he was mad at us, "You look just like the guy that brings the ice!"

*** But perhaps they'll actually grow up, you never know.

Reading Aloud

This post is directed more toward those of you who are - or are likely to become - parents, so if this condition doesn't apply, you may want to just move on and come back for Cartoon Saturday.

I read this very interesting article the other day on The Atlantic website: "There Are Plenty of Reasons Why Parents May Read More With Their Daughters." It drew my interest because one of my favorite pastimes is reading to children, and because reading to one's children is a multi-win activity ... it helps them learn the language, it provides opportunities for quality time to cuddle.

My own parents, and particularly my father, were world-class readers. Dad's readings were always fun and exciting, using different voices for each character, adding sound effects, and twisting some of the text into puns or clever malaprops (such as the book in which the characters Gaston and Josephine became "Gas Bomb" and "Josie-pheme"). When I read to my grandchildren, I tend to read the same way, much to their often frustrated delight ("no, Opa, that's not right!") ...

But, getting back to the Atlantic article by Nanette Fondas, why do we read more with our daughters than with our sons? There are a lot of theories, some of which deal with sexual stereotypes; Ms Fondas writes that

"... parents may be following cultural scripts and unconscious biases that suggest they should read with their daughters, and have active play with sons ... It is just more costly to provide a unit of reading to a boy than to a girl because the boy doesn't sit still, you know, doesn't pay attention ..."

Well, I think that it's entirely possible to get a boy to sit still long enough to listen to a well-read story. Personal experience shows that it's just as hard to get my granddaughters to sit still as it is to get any of my grandsons to sit still ... but just as rewarding when it succeeds.

Reading to small children is one of the most rewarding of activities. It combines teaching, learning, entertainment, and physical cuddling. The joy of listening to a child laugh at a well-told story is a reward beyond all price. Reading aloud is, in general, a rewarding activity. If I may engage in a little back-patting, I think I can do world-class readings of poems like "Casey at the Bat," "The Raven," and "The Fool's Prayer," among others ... not all suitable for the smallest of children, but fun for older audiences.

Have a good day Read more, both to yourself and to your children, both the boys and the girls. They'll love it and so will you ... and so will their children.

See you back here for Cartoon Saturday.

Bilbo

Mothers' Day, 2011

Three years ago, I wrote a special post for Mother’s Day. Since it said everything I wanted to say about this day, I've been using it each year since. This year, I’m using it again, with a few minor updates. You can sue me if you like. Good luck finding any assets.

Today is Mothers’ Day, the one day each year we set aside to honor the lady we undervalue the other 364. It’s the day we remember the person who made our hurts better, explained our homework, cooked our meals, washed our clothes, drove us where we needed to go, warned us about our less-savory acquaintances, embarrassed us in front of our friends, and did her best to point us down the straight line of a moral and upright life.

Mothers are the wonderful and woefully underappreciated people from whom the Army and the Navy stole their one-time recruiting slogans - the Army's "We do more before 9 AM than most people do all day," and the Navy's "It's not just a job, it's an adventure." With all due respect to Soldiers and Sailors everywhere ... you guys ain't got a clue.

A while back I found this little riff on how we look at our Mothers at different ages:

Age 4: Mommy can do anything!
Age 8: Mom knows a lot!
Age 12: Mother doesn't know everything.
Age 14: Mother doesn't know anything.
Age 16: Mother is so old-fashioned.
Age 18: Her? She's out of it.
Age 25: Mom might know something about that.
Age 35: Before we decide, let's ask Mom.
Age 45: What would Mom have thought about that?
Age 65: I wish I could talk that over with Mom.

It’s true.

My mother passed away in 2001 at the age of 74. She spent a long and honorable life raising four children who, I like to think, made her proud. And in her twilight years, her once-formidable mind ravaged by Alzheimer’s Disease, she missed much of the result of her love and care and sacrifice – a son who finally knows how to dance (and who may yet write that book she thought he had in him), a small army of grandchildren, and five beautiful great-grandchildren who will never know her love and wisdom and the off-the-wall sense of humor that brightened the lives of those who knew her.

The next generation of Mothers has taken over. My beloved daughter Yasmin and the best daughter-in-law in the world, Tabitha, between them are raising the world’s five greatest grandchildren. And someday Marcy and Joe, Noah, Leya and Elise will sit down on Mothers’ Day and reflect – just as their grandpa does today – on the marvelous lady who gave up so much of her own life and dreams to make them who they are.

Take the time today to give your Mother a hug and a kiss. Someday, you’ll wish you had.

And so again this year, I wish my own Agnes, Yasmin and Tabitha, Amanda and Fiona, SuzyQ and Chrissy, Kathy, and all the other mothers out there doing the world's toughest job, a very happy Mothers' Day and many more to come.

We couldn't be what we are, or do what we do, without you.

And, just to not be too maudlin about it, here's something all you mothers out there can appreciate:

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Birthday Parties

A birthday party for a three-year old child, attended by about 20 other children and their minders, is quite an adventure - lots of noise and frantic activity. Sort of like watching Congress in session, except that more gets accomplished.

Yesterday was granddaughter Leya's third birthday party, held at a local bouncing party emporium filled with inflatable slides, bouncing cages, and all sorts of other opportunities for small children to work off excess energy, followed by pizza and cake in the party room. We didn't have things like this when I was growing up. We played party games like "Pin the Tail on the Stegosaurus" and "Rock, Rock, Rock" (we didn't have paper and scissors until I was in high school).

Here are a few pictures of the fun ...

It's good to be the Queen!


It's a long way down...


But it's fun when you get there...


Even Opa thinks so ...

What happens when 75 parents try to take a group picture and everyone says "Look at the camera!" at once ...

The cake was really good ...

But, of course, not everybody likes cake or pizza ...

Balloons for everybody!


It's nice that Leya has so many friends and so many opportunities to have fun. She'll grow up to be a jaded adult like her Opa all too soon ... for now, though, life is good. As it should be when you're three.

Have a good day. Try an inflatable slide sometime, it's fun!

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Baby Power

With three children and five grandchildren, I like to think I know something about miniature humans. And as I watch our son and daughter raising our grandchildren, and read the ongoing adventures of Amanda and Gotfam, I think back and remember all the lessons we learned with such difficulty so long ago.

And then there's this, courtesy of my friend Bob...

Hello, my name is Joey, and I'm nine months old. This is powerful advice for all you babies out there. Parents, please leave now, or you will be punished ... Okay, now that the minions are gone, let's get down to business.

Do you feel like you have no control over your life? Do your mommy and daddy make you do and wear things you absolutely hate? Are you at the bottom of your family's power structure? I'm here to tell you that all this can be a thing of the past. By following my ten simple rules, you'll be wearing the diaper and the pants in the family in no time!

Rule #1: You have absolute power.

Repeat this to yourself on a daily basis. You are the ruler of your universe. Your parents are there to serve you, not the other way around. You have unlimited power over them.

Rule #2: Cry.

Tears are your biggest asset in your arsenal against your parents. If you don't like something, cry! Parents have absolutely no defense against this wet onslaught. They will do anything to get you to stop. This is especially useful in public places. For maximum effectiveness, increase volume every fifteen seconds.

Rule #3: Be cute.

This is your number one defense mechanism. You're going to pull a lot of crap most people would never get away with, and your cute factor is the only thing allowing this. Flash a smile, and your parents will go weak in the knees with gushing admiration of your blessed existence, even after you've just broken half the stuff in the house.

Rule #4: Keep them weak.

I don't care if you have to set an alarm clock for yourself, but you need to wake your parents up at least three times a night. A rested parent is a strong parent, and that means bad news for you. The more weary they are, the more malleable they are to your intricate plans of global domination.

Rule #5: Pee on them.

Once out of every ten diaper changes, you should let loose your golden stream of glory. This shows them who's boss, and keeps them on their toes. If you can, aim for the face for maximum effectiveness. At the very least, you should be able to cover yourself as well as a portion of your parent's clothes. This works well for those situations where they've put you in an embarrassing outfit, or they're in a hurry to get somewhere

Rule #6: Make them carry you.

Do not let them put you down! This is very important. The moment they realize you can get around by yourself, they will no longer want to carry you. If you are put on the ground, see rule #2. Your parents are strong, and there's two of them. They can carry you forever.

Rule #7: Smack your parents around a little.

Parents are under the false impression that we have very little control over our arms and legs. Use this to your advantage! Every now and then, just randomly slap them in the face, and then smile and laugh. They may curse a little, but I guarantee no harm will come to you. They are powerless against the smile and laugh combination.

Rule #8: Women and grandparents love babies.

Capturing this key demographic can bring you joys beyond your wildest expectations. Toys, food, and attention can all be yours when you manipulate this segment of the population. Opa will even let you watch the Spice Channel if nobody else is around!

Rule #9: Siblings exist for your amusement.

Your brothers and sisters are the court jesters in your vast kingdom. They are there for your personal entertainment, and nothing more. Laugh at their crazy antics, but the moment they get out of line with that "the baby gets all the attention" crap, pull their hair. One word of warning though. Make sure a parent is nearby when you do this, as siblings are immune to your cute defense mechanisms. Be sure to cry, so your parent is alerted to your mortal danger.

Rule #10: No private time.

This is perhaps the most important rule of them all. Do not let your parents have private time! If you hear these evil words uttered, alarms should go off in your head. Nothing good can come from private time. At the very least, private time rejuvenates them, making them more resistant to your powers. And in the worst possible scenario, private time could lead to a new baby replacing you as the ruler of the house! This event needs to be stopped at all costs!

That's it, troops. Follow these simple rules and you should have a long and fruitful reign as ruler of your household.

You have the power! Use it!

Parents, you have been warned...of course, you already knew all this.

Good luck.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

P.S. - Just for the record, my granddaughter Leya has a lock on #6.

B.