Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Baby Power

With three children and five grandchildren, I like to think I know something about miniature humans. And as I watch our son and daughter raising our grandchildren, and read the ongoing adventures of Amanda and Gotfam, I think back and remember all the lessons we learned with such difficulty so long ago.

And then there's this, courtesy of my friend Bob...

Hello, my name is Joey, and I'm nine months old. This is powerful advice for all you babies out there. Parents, please leave now, or you will be punished ... Okay, now that the minions are gone, let's get down to business.

Do you feel like you have no control over your life? Do your mommy and daddy make you do and wear things you absolutely hate? Are you at the bottom of your family's power structure? I'm here to tell you that all this can be a thing of the past. By following my ten simple rules, you'll be wearing the diaper and the pants in the family in no time!

Rule #1: You have absolute power.

Repeat this to yourself on a daily basis. You are the ruler of your universe. Your parents are there to serve you, not the other way around. You have unlimited power over them.

Rule #2: Cry.

Tears are your biggest asset in your arsenal against your parents. If you don't like something, cry! Parents have absolutely no defense against this wet onslaught. They will do anything to get you to stop. This is especially useful in public places. For maximum effectiveness, increase volume every fifteen seconds.

Rule #3: Be cute.

This is your number one defense mechanism. You're going to pull a lot of crap most people would never get away with, and your cute factor is the only thing allowing this. Flash a smile, and your parents will go weak in the knees with gushing admiration of your blessed existence, even after you've just broken half the stuff in the house.

Rule #4: Keep them weak.

I don't care if you have to set an alarm clock for yourself, but you need to wake your parents up at least three times a night. A rested parent is a strong parent, and that means bad news for you. The more weary they are, the more malleable they are to your intricate plans of global domination.

Rule #5: Pee on them.

Once out of every ten diaper changes, you should let loose your golden stream of glory. This shows them who's boss, and keeps them on their toes. If you can, aim for the face for maximum effectiveness. At the very least, you should be able to cover yourself as well as a portion of your parent's clothes. This works well for those situations where they've put you in an embarrassing outfit, or they're in a hurry to get somewhere

Rule #6: Make them carry you.

Do not let them put you down! This is very important. The moment they realize you can get around by yourself, they will no longer want to carry you. If you are put on the ground, see rule #2. Your parents are strong, and there's two of them. They can carry you forever.

Rule #7: Smack your parents around a little.

Parents are under the false impression that we have very little control over our arms and legs. Use this to your advantage! Every now and then, just randomly slap them in the face, and then smile and laugh. They may curse a little, but I guarantee no harm will come to you. They are powerless against the smile and laugh combination.

Rule #8: Women and grandparents love babies.

Capturing this key demographic can bring you joys beyond your wildest expectations. Toys, food, and attention can all be yours when you manipulate this segment of the population. Opa will even let you watch the Spice Channel if nobody else is around!

Rule #9: Siblings exist for your amusement.

Your brothers and sisters are the court jesters in your vast kingdom. They are there for your personal entertainment, and nothing more. Laugh at their crazy antics, but the moment they get out of line with that "the baby gets all the attention" crap, pull their hair. One word of warning though. Make sure a parent is nearby when you do this, as siblings are immune to your cute defense mechanisms. Be sure to cry, so your parent is alerted to your mortal danger.

Rule #10: No private time.

This is perhaps the most important rule of them all. Do not let your parents have private time! If you hear these evil words uttered, alarms should go off in your head. Nothing good can come from private time. At the very least, private time rejuvenates them, making them more resistant to your powers. And in the worst possible scenario, private time could lead to a new baby replacing you as the ruler of the house! This event needs to be stopped at all costs!

That's it, troops. Follow these simple rules and you should have a long and fruitful reign as ruler of your household.

You have the power! Use it!

Parents, you have been warned...of course, you already knew all this.

Good luck.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.


P.S. - Just for the record, my granddaughter Leya has a lock on #6.



Leslie David said...

I thought Leya had a lock on #1 and 3. She is going to rule the world someday.

Anonymous said...

Obviously your grandkids shared this with Ailsa, who passed this to Johnathan, who passed it to Lillian, who passed it to Kaleb, who filled Thongkiet in. We might as well surrender now to their obviously superior understanding of doctrine, strategic planning, tactical execution, and unarguable cuteness. We are powerless against the international grandchildren conspiracy. If we formally surrender immediately, we might get reasonable terms--perhaps they'll consider paying for their own post-graduate education....
Eminence Grise, AKA putty-in-the-hands of all his grandchildren

Mike said...

There's an underground movement that keeps all kids connected. When I come back next time around I'm going to try and remember all this stuff.

Chrissy said...

So true. So true. This must explain why i was pooped on, peed on, puked on...and bitten in less than one minute this morning.

My kids own me... :)

SusieQ said...

That photo is precious. I'm hooked.

Amanda said...

Those rules are absolutely true. It must be the secret code that all babies are given before they come out!!!