The National Stupidity Condition - DUMBCON 1

Those of you who have been around this blog for a while may recall that back in 2009 I proposed the establishment of a national Stupidity Condition to help assess the prevailing level of stupidity across the nation and the world. I modeled it on the military's system of "defense conditions" (or DEFCONs, for short), and called them DUMBCONs, and they turned out to be quite popular. You can read the original post here.

About six months after that, one of my co-workers passed me a similar idea someone else had come up with - the STUPICON. This was essentially the same as my idea, but came with cool graphics and had only four levels (A through D), as opposed to the DUMBCON structure, which had five levels (5 being the lowest and 1 the highest) and no cool graphics. You can revisit that post here.

Well, in the wake of the colossal ass-clownery perpetrated by Congress in the Great 2011 Budget Fiasco, I believe it's time to dust off and update the DUMBCON, and add a cool graphic (because, as you know from watching the TV news, nothing can be properly explained without a spiffy graphic - preferably animated).

Dear Readers, I give you the updated DUMBCON structure:

Here's the updated version of how it works:

DUMBCON 5 - ordinary, day-to-day level of stupidity. People actually pay attention to clueless twits like "Reverend" Terry Jones, Ayman al-Zawahiri, Harry Reid, John Boehner, or anyone from the tea party; Lindsey Lohan is arrested again for something or other; people continue to listen to rap music. Congress is in session ...

DUMBCON 4 - things are more stupid than usual. Congressional Republicans and Democrats blame each other for the crisis du jour; Congress continues to spend money on military equipment the services don't want, but which are built in the districts of key lawmakers; Hugo Chavez or Mahmoud Ahmedinejad make lengthy speeches blaming the US for everything wrong in the world back to the extinction of the dinosaurs; Osama bin Laden issues another video or audio tape that gets 24/7 air time on al-Jazeera television.

DUMBCON 3 - things are getting pretty stupid. Congressional Republicans demand President Obama intervene to help the Libyan opposition, then beat him up once he does; mindless dumbasses continue to insist that President Obama was actually born in a stone cottage in Tierra del Fuego despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary; Republicans continue to believe that all will be well if we just get rid of unions, eliminate all spending on social programs, and slash taxes on businesses and the wealthy; Democrats continue to believe ... well ... whatever it is they believe in (they're still not sure themselves).

DUMBCON 2 - start shaking your head - it's getting really stupid out there. People continue to believe Faux News is "fair and balanced;" a crazy person shoots a Congresswoman in the head and kills and injures many more at a public event, and the NRA says that guns had nothing to do with it, that the killer would have done it anyway - he'd just have asked his victims politely to line up in sequence so he could strangle them individually; the EPA once again accepts industry threats about the economic consequences of requiring them to clean up toxic wastes and emissions, and dutifully waters down the latest set of proposed environmental protection standards.

DUMBCON 1 - stupidity beyond your wildest dreams. Go back to bed and hide under the pillows. Former Mayor Marion Barry of DC gets away with yet another outrageous act and blames criticism of his despicable behavior on racism; businesses increase prices to cover their "increased costs," but demand their employees accept wage cuts that will prevent them from buying the products they make; Congress postures and bloviates for months without passing a budget, then finally reaches agreement at the last possible second before having to shut down the government. Each side declares victory ...

... and blames the other for the fiasco ...

We're at DUMBCON 1. And the way things are going, it looks as if we probably won't need DUMBCONs 5 through 4 any more.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Cartoon Saturday - The Congressional Budget Buffoonery Edition

After weeks of shouted accusations, finger-pointing, and thunderous denunciations of each other, Congress has finally reached a deal of sorts, under which the government will continue to operate for another week - until April 15th - and the two sides agreed on a "framework for a package of $38.5 billion in spending cuts covering the rest of the fiscal year", whatever that means. I don't think that a "framework for a package" is the same thing as an "agreement," and so, given the historic levels of stupidity and mindless political posturing that have brought us to this point, which included loud rounds of public disagreement over who had agreed to what, I don't think I'll believe a deal has actually been reached until I see a pair of sober statesmen posturing buffoons like Mr Boehner and Mr Reid stand next to each other, shake hands, and wave a signed agreement. Why do I feel like Czechoslovakia after Chamberlain and Hitler met in Munich in 1938?

Dear Readers, if I ever needed Cartoon Saturday, I need it now.

I'm glad the budget fiasco appears to be over, at least for a few minutes. Now Congress has time to take up more important matters, like starting the whole political kabuki dance over again for the 2012 budget ... and assigning blame...

We got used to seeing the mindless twits of the Tea Party on the news, thundering about how important it was to shut down the government ...

And the equally mindless twits in Congress who kowtowed to their ranting ...

After all of the rage and tension and long, sleepless nights of shouting past each other to score cheap political points rather than doing their jobs, perhaps our members of Congress would benefit from a break for a quick medical checkup ...

... there's no telling what the doctors might find ...

I think this is how the final "deal" (if there really was one) was reached ...

I think the freshness date on a lot of these posturing ass clowns has finally been reached ... and well exceeded ...

Okay, enough of this stuff. I think you know how I feel about the whole thing. Let's finish off with a few ordinary ya-ha's. I think it was Barbra Streisand who once said she didn't understand why a woman would work for 20 years to change her husband's habits, then divorce him because he wasn't the same man she married. Here are two takes on that issue ...

I actually once dated a young lady named Lydia ... I wonder if that might have been my fate. And here's another view of the whole change thing ...

And, finally, we all know where that whole change thing starts, don't we? ...

Well, the weekend is finally here. Outside my study window, the day is damp, cool, overcast, and leaden-looking. I'm not sure if it's a day to try and rake out the old ground cover in the yard so I can try (again) to get grass to grow, or if it's a day to run mindlessly around the Northern Virginia area doing errands. I guess I'll find out soon enough. But not until after breakfast.

Have a good day. Keep an eye on your elected reprehensives ... and a hand on your wallet. If you're a middle- to lower-class American, Congress will be looking to you to bail out everyone else.

More cynical thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Some Questions to Ponder During the Government Shutdown

I'm officially sick and tired of Republicans, Democrats, clueless Tea Party wingnuts, dumbass far left loons, government in general, Congress in particular, and Charlie Sheen ... well ... just on principle. After all, if a group of squabbling children can actually take an action that will result in soldiers in harm's way not getting paid, what else is there for me to say? Here's my opinion on each and every one of them:

And because I'm too disheartened and angry to discuss the whole mess any more, here's something different ... a few questions to distract you while you, Dear Non-Essential Government Worker, sit furloughed at home and decide whether to use your savings to buy food or pay the mortgage (hint: pay the mortgage. The bank won't care that it's Congress's fault you missed the payment, and they'll foreclose on your backside in a second).

If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?

How do deer know to cross at that yellow road sign?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

What do you pack Styrofoam in for shipping?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Does virgin wool come from sheep the shepherd hasn't caught yet?

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Does fuzzy logic tickle? (Ask a Republican economist)

Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

Are there reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

Why is it called a TV set when you only get one?

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why do you put on a pair of pants but only one shirt?

That's all for now. Tomorrow is Cartoon Saturday ... God knows we need it.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

The Path to Prosperity?

As you may know, Representative Paul Ryan, Chairman of the House Budget Committee, has released the Republican party's "budget resolution" for fiscal year 2012 - a glossy helping of budgetary puff pastry grandly titled "The Path to Prosperity." You can read it here ... and you should.

The first thing I probably should say about this plan is the same thing the Washington Post said in a wonderful editorial yesterday: “The first thing to praise about House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan’s budget plan, unveiled Tuesday, is that it exists. The Wisconsin Republican has produced a plan to deal with the debt, which is more than his Democratic colleagues or President Obama can say.”

Yes, Dear Readers, this is the beauty of the Republicans - they can always be counted on produce a plan. It may be empty and unworkable, but they can produce a plan. The Democrats, while they may have better (or, at least, competitive) ideas, couldn't produce an actual plan if their lives depended on it. And while the Republicans are certainly able to produce a great plan for the next fiscal year, they certainly haven't done much to deliver a budget for the government to operate in the current fiscal year ... which is now half over.

The Path to Prosperity. It looks good. But once you read it, you realize it's a path that in the long run won't be paved, won't be lit, won't have helpful directional signs, and won't be repaired when it has potholes. Here are a few of my observations on Representative Ryan's plan:

1. The constant, drumbeat message it delivers is that the federal budget crisis is either the fault of the Democrats, or of Congress writ large ... you will search in vain for the least hint of any acceptance of Republican complicity or shared responsibility.

2. The overall tone of the document, as evidenced by its and choice of terms and modifiers, is insulting and extremely partisan: the term "job-destroying" is frequently used when referring to any tax applied to businesses; and government workers are not civil servants, but federal bureaucrats whose sole function is to stand in the way of progress and good government.

3. The plan is 73 pages long, but the first actual proposal doesn't appear until page 23, following extensive castigation of the current administration and a very partisan review of the history. And the first proposal indicates that the Defense budget won't be cut. Now, I agree that it would be irresponsible to ruthlessly cut the defense budget while we're in the middle of two wars; however, it's equally irresponsible to give it a free pass. One might begin to reform defense spending by controlling the ability of members of congress to force spending the Defense Department doesn't want.

4. The plan repeatedly rails about "out of control spending" and "government bureaucracy," but doesn't mention that it's - ta, da! - Congress that organizes and funds that bureaucracy.

5. On page 30 of the plan, all blame for the current budget impasse is laid squarely on "Senate Democrats," but no mention is made of the escalating demands of the Tea Party and extreme Republican freshmen who publicly refuse any compromise and appear focused on shutting down the government to make their points.

6. Oh, and on page 31: what is an "anti-fraud account"?

I could go on, but I'm too angry.

I encourage you to read both the Republican plan, and the review prepared by the Congressional Budget Office. You should also read the fact-check performed by the Washington Post.

And if you really want to get angry about the whole federal budget situation, read this book - Who Will Tell the People - The Betrayal of American Democracy, by William Greider. It was first published in 1992, and is a devastating critique of how greed and mendacity on the part of Congress, special interests, and wealthy, well-connected elites have conspired to shut Real People out of the business of government and transfer the tax burden away from business and the wealthy to the middle and lower classes. When the book was written, the crisis du jour was the collapse of the savings and loan industry (remember that?) ... but every word applies to the gutting of the economy and the ruthless fleecing of ordinary Americans that goes on today.

If you're not furious now, you will be when you're done reading that book. And you don't have to read the whole thing ... the Introduction is a great summary.

Read, study, and get angry.

There's not much else you can do.

Have a good day. Demand more of your elected representatives, but expect less.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

You Might Be a Democrat If...

One of the things that enrages me (as my friend the Eminence Grise knows well, and uses to advantage) is being labeled a "liberal" or a "Democrat." I like to think of myself as a rock-solid Independent, wavering slightly between the left and the right. I might describe myself as a "principled conservative" on fiscal issues and a "principled liberal" on social issues had not liberals and conservatives so thoroughly discredited themselves.

Yesterday, I offered part one of the Bewildered Observer's Field Guide to Political Ass Clowns - "You Might Be a Republican If..." Today, we pour satirical sauce on the gander with equal time for the dumbasses of the left:

You Might Be a Democrat If...

You believe that inconvenient Constitutional guarantees (such as the right to keep and bear arms) can be sidestepped by judicial action.

You believe that if a company closes down a factory to move production to a country with cheaper labor, it will have a devastating affect on the economy and is grossly unfair to the oppressed workers, but see no problem with government closure of the same factory because it produces barely-measurable amounts of pollution.

You believe pornography demeans women, but find nothing wrong with a 50 year old president seducing a 21 year old intern.

You believe a few hundred loggers can find another career, but the defenseless spotted owl must live in its preferred tree.

You actually expect to collect Social Security.

You reflexively oppose every plan offered by a Republican, but are unable to form any plans of your own.

You believe self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

You oppose capital punishment, but support abortion on demand and "assisted suicide."

You believe terrorists murder innocent people because they are misunderstood and have legitimate grievances that must be addressed.

You worry about how the French view Americans.

You have no problem with Hollywood celebrities flying around the country in private jets to give speeches on the evils of SUVs.

You oppose a moment of silent prayer at the beginning of the school day as government indoctrination, imposition of religious values on helpless children, and undercutting of parental authority, but support sex education, condom distribution, and multiculturalism.

You believe that this list is part of a vast, right-wing conspiracy.

Exaggeration? Yep. Accurate? Yep.

If you recognized yourself in either yesterday's Republican list or today's Democratic one, perhaps you need to step back and rethink a few things. Then come and join me in the middle.

It's getting lonely here.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

P.S. - According to this morning's news, the Libyan opposition forces are retreating. They're blaming the US and NATO for their setbacks. You could have seen that coming.

B.

You Might Be a Republican If...

I can't remember if I've ever run this before, but just in case here is the list, revised and updated ...

You Might Be a Republican If ...

You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage...which is too damn high, anyhow.

You demand that the government be shut down to force huge cuts in spending, except for programs you support.

You believe government spending should be reduced by a specific dollar amount, without regard to which specific programs need to be eliminated or reduced.

You're pro-life, but support the death penalty.

The only unions you support are those for professional athletes.

You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs."

You've ever referred to the "moral fiber" of something.

You've ever asked, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches?" ... then, once the bombing starts, demand to know why we're bombing the sons of bitches, what the goal of the operation is, how much it costs, and what the President was thinking when he decided to do such a stupid thing.

You fax the FBI a list of terrorists living in your neighborhood.

You don't let your children watch Sesame Street because you think Bert and Ernie are gay.

You believe that art has "a moral foundation set in Western values."

When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."

You've ever told a panhandler to get a job.

You argue that you must be allowed to own an unlimited number of guns in order to defend yourself against all the other people who own unlimited numbers of guns. And who knows? - a rabid bear might break into your house.

You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."

You believe education and health care are luxuries.

You don't understand why donations to the Pentagon are not tax-deductable.

You absolutely believe that there's a monolithic "liberal media," you're afraid of it, and you believe every word you hear on Fox News because somebody needs to tell the truth.

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch lives in a trash can because he's lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society.

You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.

Tomorrow, in the interest of equal opportunity for all ass clowns, our theme will be "You Might Be a Democrat If..."

After all, religious and political labels are independent of intelligence. Or lack thereof.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

For Sale* ...

One dysfunctional government, hardly used. Includes:

- 535 bickering, self-important personnel;

- Large roll of heavy-duty string for convenient attachment to corporate sponsors;

- Complete, taxpayer-funded support staff;

- Campaign financing provided by special interests (accounting not required);

- Operating instructions (seldom read and little understood);

- Multiple entrances: front door for lobbyists and special interests; back door for individual constituents and annoying Real People. Separate revolving side door reserved for staff members hired from or departing to professional lobby organizations.

As is. No warranty offered or implied.

No refunds. We can't help it if you don't think through the consequences before you buy.

Exchange possible only on completion of contract (two years for the House; six years for the Senate).

Must sell - can only be operated properly by large corporations, the wealthy, and the politically well-connected ... current (at least, on paper) owners unable to do anything with it.

Good luck.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Image courtesy of Miss Cellania.

Your Congress At Work

This video has been all over the Internet for a while now, and I'm probably the only person who hasn't posted it yet. Well, it's time to get on the bandwagon, I guess. The only difference between the previous posts you've seen and mine is the full explanation of the clip below.

As I noted in my comment to Mike's blog (he posted this yesterday), nobody has yet actually noted that the two babies in this video are actually Speaker of the House John Boehner and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, who have known each other much longer than anyone realizes, and are still acting like infants and talking nonsense past each other. The only difference is that they're not smiling and laughing any more.

And neither am I. And neither should you.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Cartoon Saturday

At least eight people have been murdered and another 61 injured in riots in Afghanistan to protest the burning of a Koran by a wingnut Florida pastor ... conclusively proving that religious stupidity is not monopolized by any single religion; a crippled Japanese nuclear reactor is leaking radioactive water into the Pacific Ocean; savage fighting continues in Libya as pro- and anti-government forces prove unable to decisively defeat each other; Federal government employees are bracing for the loss of income as Congressional Democrats and Republicans scorn compromise and careen recklessly toward a shutdown of the government; and at least 800 people are reported dead in fierce fighting in the African nation of Ivory Coast.

I don't know about you, but after a week like this I really need Cartoon Saturday.

The giant, inscrutable stone heads on Easter Island have awed and mystified people for centuries. They're also good for the occasional cartoon, like these two ...

and,

The endless partisan rancor and political shenanigans pouring out of Washington lately are depressing and frustrating, but at least they provide the meat for plenty of good cartoons. There's Brewster Rockit's take on the meaning of democracy ...

And a pair of cartoons that look at the way we select political figures, from candidates ...

To clueless pundits ...

Republicans are convinced, with all the certainty of religious ultra-fundamentalists, that the answer to every problem is a combination of tax cuts and spending reductions. But what happens when you blindly reduce spending? Reductions to environmental regulations might result in ...

... while cuts in the regulation of harmful additives to our foods could have its own problems ...

Of course, the ability to make sound decisions relies on the ability to trust the data on which you base those decisions. This is the way it seems to work nowadays ...

And, of course, if you really want to do something about the improper influence of corporate money on political campaigns, you need to take action. One way or another ...

And finally, when I read this cartoon I was reminded somehow of Eugene O'Neill's classic play Strange Interlude (which makes a good deal more sense now than it did when I read it in high school) ...

Outside my study window, the sun is peeking through broken clouds, trying to taunt me into thinking I can go outside and start planting my garden. My sister Lisa sent me a box of onion bulbs to plant (along with a detailed diagram to make sure I do it correctly), and I'll soon be able to rake out my plots, fill my pots, and get this year's crop of herbs planted. I can't wait!

But for now, there are other things to be done, so I may as well get to them.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

April Fool!

Today is April 1st, commonly known as April Fools' Day. It's a day dedicated to silliness and playing tricks on your friends ... things like gluing your roommate's shoes to the floor, calling the zoo to ask if Mr Lyons is available, and taking the Tea Party seriously.

The actual origin of April Fools' Day as a day of fun and trickery is not precisely known. Many ancient cultures had a celebration around this time of year that was tied to the vernal equinox and the beginning of spring ... the New Year celebration was frequently held around this time, as it was clear that a season of new life was beginning after the darkness and cold of winter. This might explain why the celebration was of a happy and lighthearted nature. Then again, it might just be a prank Mother Nature pulls on us when she hits us with sleet, snow, and freezing rain when we thought we were through with all that #%@&.

There's a long tradition of playing pranks on April Fools Day, ranging from the simple to the elaborate. Naturally, there's a website dedicated to classic tricks and hoaxes: The Hoax Files will give you the straight poop (yes, Chrissy, that reference was for you) on some amazing tricks that have been played over the years.

Other things that have happened on April 1st:

In 1979, Ayatollah Khomeini declared Iran to be an Islamic republic. As April Fools' Day tricks go, that one turned out pretty badly.

In 1976, Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak founded Apple Computers. If they hadn't, I'd be writing this blog on something other than my beloved iMac.

Famous people born on April Fools' Day include Otto von Bismarck (the "Iron Chancellor" of Germany), author Milan (The Unbearable Lightness of Being) Kundera, composer Sergei Rachmaninoff, and horror film actor Lon Chaney.

Famous people who died on April Fools' Day (and are, as far as I can tell, actually dead) include singer Marvin Gaye and cosmetics queen Helena Rubenstein.

And it was on this date in 1918 that the Royal Air Force was formally established in Great Britain ... the so few by whom so much was owed by so many, according to Winston Churchill.

April Fools' Day. Celebrate by writing a congratulatory letter to your elected reprehensives to thank them for the fine job they're doing. After all, they already think we're fools.

Have a good day. Be here tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday. More thoughts then.

Bilbo