Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Then and Now

I'm drawing blanks on original stuff for this morning's post, so I thought I'd pull this little nugget out of my ya-ha collection ... the things you love while you're dating, and how they'll look in ten years:

What You Love Now: Activist
How It Looks in Ten Years: Busybody

What You Love Now: Ambitious
How It Looks in Ten Years: Workaholic

What You Love Now: Attentive
How It Looks in Ten Years: Possessive

What You Love Now: Confident
How It Looks in Ten Years: Arrogant

What You Love Now: Cool
How It Looks in Ten Years: Frigid

What You Love Now: Discerning
How It Looks in Ten Years: Snobbish

What You Love Now: Funny
How It Looks in Ten Years: Show-Off

What You Love Now: Honest
How It Looks in Ten Years: Cynical

What You Love Now: Laid Back
How It Looks in Ten Years: Lazy

What You Love Now: Playful
How It Looks in Ten Years: Immature

What You Love Now: Misses You
How It Looks in Ten Years: Restraining Order

What You Love Now: Modest
How It Looks Ten Years: Prudish

What You Love Now: Nonchalant
How It Looks in Ten Years: Aloof

What You Love Now: Opinionated
How It Looks in Ten Years: Argumentative

What You Love Now: Optimistic
How It Looks in Ten Years: Stupid

What You Love Now: Quiet
How It Looks in Ten Years: Too Quiet

What You Love Now: Romantic
How It Looks in Ten Years: Stalker

What You Love Now: Sexy
How It Looks in Ten Years: Slutty

What You Love Now: Simple
How It Looks in Ten Years: Boring

What You Love Now: Sincere
How It Looks in Ten Years: Brutally Honest

What You Love Now: Smart
How It Looks in Ten Years: Know-It-All

What You Love Now: Strong-Minded
How It Looks in Ten Years: Mule-Headed

What You Love Now: Supportive
How It Looks in Ten Years: Clingy

What You Love Now: Trusting
How It Looks in Ten Years: Gullilble

Don't blame me. It's all part of that #$@#! reality ... I'm just reporting.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

The Unholy Finger

Most of you - at least, those of you here in America - are familiar with the gesture sometimes referred to as "flipping the bird" or "giving someone the finger." It refers to the extension of the upraised middle finger toward someone, and implies that they should do something both carnal and anatomically impossible.

It's not a gesture generally made by courteous and civil people.

It occurred to me the other day that there are a lot of people out there giving us all the finger every day. You may not have noticed it, but the upraised finger appears to be a gesture common to hectoring religious bigots. Consider the following ...

We have the late and unlamented Osama bin Laden ...

Ayman al-Zawahiri, Mr bin Laden's successor as head of al Qaeda (a job with limited growth potential, thanks to our Special Forces) ...

American-born radical cleric Anwar al-Alawki ...

"Firebrand cleric" Muqtada al-Sadr of Iraq, the ayatollah wannabe ...

Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini, the first post-Shah Supreme Leader of Iran ...

And his successor, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei ...

They're all giving us the finger! As the characters in the cornfield on the old Hee-Haw TV show used to shout ... SAAAA-LUTE!

Sauce for the gander, you know.

Have a good day. Keep those fingers to yourself. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Monday, June 20, 2011

The Fathers' Day Saga

Yes, we are back from our annual Fathers' Day trip to Ohio to visit our grandchildren (oh, yes, and their parents, too) and attend oldest granddaughter Marcy's Big Dance Recital. We had a wonderful time, of course ... although the trip home was a bit taxing. But we'll get to that.

On Friday morning we flew from Reagan National Airport in Washington (one of about 750,000 things the Republicans made sure were named for St Reagan) to Dayton. The flight was delayed for about an hour because of "crew rest" issues (you'd have thought they'd just find an already-rested crew, but noooo....), and so we spent an extra hour with 2500 of our closest friends in the Black Hole of Calcutta 2 (aka, Gate 35A, from which all the little regional flights at DCA depart).

Anyhow ...

We finally made it to Dayton and were picked up by our son Jason and his family. We then started on a whirlwind weekend that included ...

The boys burning off a little energy on the neighbor's trampoline ...

Marcy posing for pictures in her dance costumes (this was a pose from the show finale) ...

Joe demonstrating his hockey gear ...

And Noah revealing himself as a Jedi Knight in training ...

Tabitha, the Best Daughter-in-Law in the World, also came up with a wonderful low-calorie dessert to celebrate the weekend ...

Of course, we had all the usual and expected drama that goes along with a big weekend, which included driving frantically to get to Marcy's Saturday afternoon final dress rehearsal on time, only to discover - when we were nearly at the theater - that she'd forgotten the bag with her dance shoes in it. This necessitated a Mission: Impossible-type flying rendezvous in which Jason drove from home to meet us in a restaurant parking lot, where we pulled the cars up next to each other and he tossed the shoe bag to me, whereupon Tabitha burned rubber out of the lot, zoomed to the Victoria Theater, and slowed down to 35 to let Agnes and Marcy jump out while she and I found a place to park the car. Oddly, it all worked out.

The dance recital on Saturday evening was, naturally, a huge success. Marcy danced three routines (tap, Tahitian, and jazz) and also danced in the grand finale, which was spectacular. She did a wonderful job and we were very proud.

After the show, we all piled into the van, picked up the boys at the baby-sitter's house, and then went out for post-show ice cream and Taco Bell.

Saturday morning was Fathers' Day, and Tabitha cooked up a mountain of French Toast for all of us so that we'd be fortified for the trip back to the airport. Naturally, we had to do the Proud Grandparents photo first ...

We made it to the Dayton airport in plenty of time to catch our flight back to DC. We got all checked in, the flight took off right on time ... and then the adventure began ...

You may have seen the story on CNN about the Dayton-to-DC flight that was the subject of a bomb threat. Well, yes, that was our flight. We spent several hours sitting on the ramp in the airplane, surrounded by every flashing light in the world, then on hot buses after they let us off the plane (with strict instructions to leave everything on board), and then later in a large conference room in one of the remote airport buildings. We were all wanded, patted down, and marched from place to place under close supervision of a small army of DC Airport Police, TSA officers, FBI agents, and a US Marshall or two, each of whom appeared to need to take down all our personal contact information at some point or another. We were finally able to use a single bathroom ... one at a time, don't flush when you're done, let the police officer check the room and flush it for you (probably not something advertised in police recruiting) ... and the airline conjured up snacks and water to keep us quiet while the airplane was searched by the police and the bomb dogs.

The 44 passengers turned out to be a good-natured bunch that took the whole thing in stride, despite the inconvenience and potential for disaster. The passengers included a full band (with singer) returning from a gig in Dayton, and a young couple just married and on their way to their honeymoon in Paris (they made a later connection and the honeymoon was saved). The FBI agent in charge (to the extent anyone seemed to be) was very pleasant and acknowledged the disruption in everyone's plans ... he noted that it was Fathers' Day and his wife had agreed to take the children all day so he could spend the day in his woodworking shop, so he was just as aggravated as the rest of us. He answered whatever questions he could, deferred many of them to the harassed-looking USAirways representative, and generally kept everyone calm and reasonably happy. One of the most-frequently-asked questions was whether or not we'd get a chance to meet individually with the ass clown who made the original bomb threat (and was under arrest in Dayton). Sadly, you can guess the answer.

We were finally released about 5:00 PM, hot, tired, somewhat grouchy, but safe ... which is, after all, the most important thing. We'd been able to reach our daughter and get her to recover Nessa from the kennel ...

...so everything turned out well.

And now, here we are, home again on a rainy Monday morning. I have one final day of leave to relax before hitting the office again tomorrow, and I plan to make the most of it.

All you dads out there, I hope you had a happy Fathers' Day. You are doing the most important job you will ever do, and it's not a bad thing to recognize it once a year. Good on 'ya!

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Cartoon Saturday

Yes, I'm doing it to you again, Dear Readers ... it's not really Saturday yet, but since we'll be on the road visiting our grandchildren this weekend and blog posting isn't likely to be high on my priority list, I thought I'd at least get Cartoon Saturday out so you won't feel abandoned. Here we go ...

Al Qaeda has promoted worthless religious bigot Ayman al-Zawahiri to replace the late Osama bin Laden as it's leader; Congressman Anthony Weiner has resigned from Congress after being caught sending lewd photos of himself to women he'd "friended" on the Internet; Greece is on the verge of bankruptcy as crowds riot against cutbacks in government spending and increased fiscal austerity measures; and 85 year-old Playboy mogul Hugh Hefner has put "Runaway Bride" stickers on the cover of his magazine after being dumped by 25 year-old fiancee Crystal Harris days before their planned wedding.

Yep. It's time for a good shot of Cartoon Saturday.

There's a lot you can do with puns on the Russian word "tsar" (which means, roughly, emperor) as we show in these three cartoons:

And ...

And, in a somewhat different take ...

A vow of silence can be a good thing ...

Poor old Hugh Hefner got the axe from his fiance this week ... perhaps this cartoon sums up the sad situation ...

A couple of health care cartoons are never out of place. This one is a clever pun ...

And this one probably isn't too far off the mark for those with little or no health insurance ...

And we finish off with a few cartoons related to the state of the economy ... first, a look at the math behind "supply-side economics" ...

Followed by the sort of economic sleight of hand Congress seems to love these days ...

And finally, you've heard me complain often enough about the silliness of "generally accepted accounting principles" ... this is what it really means ...

Well, that's it for this week's (somewhat early) Cartoon Saturday. My blog probably won't appear again until Sunday evening or Monday morning, but you can stand the wait ... right?

Have a great weekend. More thoughts coming.

Bilbo

Hef's Wedding is Off...

Stop the presses! The engagement of Hugh Hefner, 85 year-old head of the Playboy media empire, to 24 year-old Crystal Harris has been called off by the prospective bride less than a week before the planned nuptials due to what Ms Harris says is a "change of heart."



You may recall that I wrote about Hef and Crystal's engagement back on December 29th of last year, and wished them luck. I got quite a few comments on that post, which featured words like "repulsive" and "nauseates" (the engagement, not the blog post), and led Mike to comment that "when she (Crystal) gets to be an old hag of 26, he'll dump her for a newer model."



Well, it appears that this time, Hef is getting to be the dumpee, rather than the dumper.



I'm sure he'll get over it, though, there being lots of busty blondes out there to choose from for another try ...



Last December, I wrote "...there's a part of me that's shouting 'Go, Hef - You carry high the banner of older men's dreams!' And there's another part of me that's saying, 'Ugh.'" Today, I'm just saying "ugh."


Give it up, Hef. Collect stamps, take up gardening, or build a huge HO-scale train set in the Playboy Mansion basement.

Retire with whatever dignity you can still muster, not as a vehicle for late-night talk show jokes.



That's all.



Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.



Bilbo

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Paging Mr Johnson...

I have lots to get done in a short time this morning, so I'll just shamelessly borrow this very funny (and useful) piece from Miss Cellania: 20 clever ways to tell someone his fly is open ...

20) The cucumber has left the salad.

19) I can see the gun of Navarone.

18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

17) You’ve got Windows in your laptop.

16) Sailor Ned’s trying to take a little shore leave.

15) Your soldier ain’t so unknown now.

14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.

13) Paging Mr. Johnson… Paging Mr. Johnson…

12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

9) Mini me is making a break for the escape pod.

8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!

5) You’ve got your fly set for “Monica” instead of “Hillary.”

4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction…

3) You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2) I’m talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

And …

1) I thought you were crazy; now I see you're nuts.

It occurs to me that some of these references may be a little obscure for my younger readers. If you are scratching your head over any of these, let me know and I'll supply the background.

Have a good day. Guys, zip up. Ladies, check those buttons at mid-blouse. We have plenty of other, more creative ways to embarrass ourselves.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

The Least Funny Country

You can learn some amazing things by trolling the off-the-wall news stories on the Internet. For instance, yesterday I was astounded to learn, courtesy of The Telegraph online, that Germany (Is) Officially the World's Least Funny Country.

Do tell!

It seems that a survey conducted by online networking site Badoo.com put Germans at the top of the list of the world's least-funny people. The survey revealed that the Top 10 least humorous nations were:

1 - Germany;
2 - Russia;
3 - Turkey;
4 - Britain;
5 - America;
6 - France;
7 - Poland;
8 - Belgium;
9 - Holland; and,
10 - Canada

I find this surprising, because I lived in Germany for many years, am married to a German lady, and have many German friends, and I think they can be just as funny as anyone else. Of course, there's that whole World War I and II thing, but I think we've all gotten over that. Even Germans recognize that they get a bad, if undeserved, rap in the humor department - in May 2007 the German news magazine Der Spiegel commented that the British had an image of the typical German as a “mercilessly efficient but humourless engineer.”

Also surprising about the list is that all the non-humorous countries appear to be either in Europe or North America. What's up with that? America ... the home of Comedy Central, Steven Wright, Mark Twain, Robert Benchley, the Three Stooges, and the entire Republican and Democratic parties ... as the fifth least-funny country? Oh, come on! Poland, I can understand ... after all, Poland has been the punching bag between Germany and Russia for so long that you could excuse a relative lack of good humor. And Russia ... the country that gave us the KGB and gulags ... not too surprising.

But where are the real national champions of nothing-to-laugh-about? Where on this list are the side-splitting comedy powerhouses like Venezuela (led by Howlin' Hugo Chavez), Saudi Arabia (the land of the Friday Beheadings), Iran (home of those laugh-a-minute mullahs), and Sudan (home of ... well ... whatever it's the home of)?

Who ran this survey, anyhow?

It's true that, between the economy, Iraq, Afghanistan, al Qaeda, health care, and terrible summer weather, there may not a lot to laugh about, but I think we need to give it a try. After all, it's said that laughter is the best medicine ... and it's getting so it's going to be about the only medicine you'll be able to afford.

"We're number five!" is not what we need to be chanting at this point in history.

Have a good day. Get funny. God knows we all need it.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Sunday, June 12, 2011

I'm a Senior-ish Citizen!

Well, I never saw that hill coming, but it seems as if I may be over it.

Yes, at the tender age of 59 years and seven months, I am considered - in some corners - a senior citizen. An old fart, if you will (and many of you will). In some places - such as my local Bob Evans Restaurant, you are considered a "senior citizen" if you are over 55 - a crock, in my humble opinion.

I don't mind getting older, of course, for it clearly beats the alternative (if you get my drift). But somehow I don't usually feel my chronological age. When I dance with Agnes and the other beautiful ladies on Friday nights, I certainly don't feel like I'm pushing 60. And when I'm playing with my grandchildren, I don't feel my age, either ... until an hour or so later, when I usually feel like I'm well over 90 and someone's been beating me with a two-by-four.

But let's face it ... I'm getting older. I'm a senior-ish citizen. How do I know? Here are a few of the clues ...

I’m the life of the party, even if it lasts until 8PM.

I’m very good at opening child-proof caps. With a hammer and pliers.

I’m usually ready to go home before I get where I’m going.

I’m good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, Beano, and antacid tablets

I know the location of every bathroom in every public place I regularly visit ... and the first thing I do when visiting a new venue is check out the location of the facilities.

I’m awake at least an hour before my body allows me to get up.

I smile all the time because I can’t hear a word you’re saying.

I’m very good at telling stories … over and over and over.

It's perfectly clear to me that other people’s grandchildren aren’t as bright as mine.

I’m not grouchy, I just don’t like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, gun nuts, religious wackos, and politicians.

I’m positive I did housework correctly before Agnes retired.

I’m sure everything I can’t find is in the secure place I put it so I wouldn't lose it.

I’m wrinkled, saggy and lumpy…and that’s just my left leg.

I’m having trouble remembering simple words like … uh ... let me get back to you on that.

I’m spending more time with my pillows than with my wife.

I realize that aging isn’t for sissies.

I’m anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory, antipasto, etc.

I’m walking more (especially to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.

I've noticed that adults seem to be a lot younger these days.

If it's true that you're as old as you feel, how could I possibly be 150 when I get up at 4:00 AM on workdays, and 21 when the dance party starts at 9:00 on Friday evening?

I support many movements … usually by eating bran, prunes and raisins.

I’m a fountain of useless information … and the plumbing of my fountain is springing a lot of leaks lately.

On the whole: I’m a senior-ish citizen and I’m having the time of my life!

What time is it, again?

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Unfortunate Juxtapositions

Years ago we used to play an interesting word game in which we took the Yellow Pages of the phone directory, opened it up to a random page, and saw what interesting comments were being made by the guide words at the top of the page. For instance, you might find a page headed "Lawyer-Laxatives" or "Fishing-Fitness." Or worse.

A similar game can be played with real, yet unfortunate sets of names from your local newspaper's wedding announcements, as we see in the following examples ...

One thinks these young ladies will not be hyphenating their married names ...

And ...

And ...

And ...

Sometimes, you can just play it for laughs ...

This is where you could end up if you don't space out your children properly, and have too many hyperactive toddlers running around the house at the same time ...

Prospective in-laws on both sides sometimes feel that their son or daughter is getting the brown end of the matrimonial stick ...

Someone unlikely to find a post-wedding job as a receptionist at the local brewery ...

Sometimes, though, things could work out for the positive. A dermatologist might not object to a particular name ...

Although such a name might result from unfortunate nocturnal habits earlier in life ...

This last one reminds me of one of the best, and yet simplest graffiti I ever saw: one of the major figures in the history of Pennsylvania was James A. Beaver, a former governor and president of Penn State University who is remembered in many place names across the state (Beaver, Beaver Falls, Beaver Creek, Beaver county, etc). While I was attending Penn State back in the Dark Ages, a new women's physical education facility was named the Mary Beaver White Building in honor of one of the members of the famous Beaver family. One night, a mischievous graffiti artist came out of the darkness and spray-painted a few small lines such that the sun rose the next morning on the Mary "Beaver" White Building.

Well, I thought it was funny. If illegal. Never mind.

It looks like it will be another hot day here in Northern Virginia. Drink lots of water, use sunscreen, wear a hat, and leave a comment for good old Bilbo.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Cartoon Saturday

Prince Phillip of England, husband of Queen Elizabeth II, celebrated his 90th birthday this week, and received the title of "Lord High Admiral" from his wife as a gift; raging wildfires continue to scorch large areas of Arizona; as if you haven't heard enough about Sarah Palin, Alaska has released about 24,000 pages of her e-mail from her time as the governor of the state; militants in Pakistan targeted by the US military slipped away twice in recent weeks after intelligence shared with the government of Pakistan was apparently shared again with the militants, allowing them to escape; and the nascent presidential campaign of GOP demigod Newt Gingrich apparently crashed and burned this past week as a result of ... well ... Newt Gingrich.

Every week, it seems we need Cartoon Saturday more and more...

Last week, Cartoon Saturday took a new look at the legend of the Trojan Horse. This week, two more takes on a classic story ...

And ...

You might think the common slug wouldn't seem to be much of a subject for cartoons, but you'd be wrong ... here are a few takes on slugs, starting with unfortunate medical advice ...

Moving on to the dangers of the slug as terrorist ...

And finishing off with a pun you just had to know was coming ...

As long as we're on the subject of nasty things you don't like to find in your garden, we may as well take a few shots at snails as well ...

And another awful pun ...

It was Rudyard Kipling who wrote in The Ballad of East and West that "East is East and West is West and never the twain shall meet." Of course, he wasn't referring to Shania Twain, and East and West could meet ... with odd results ...

Things are tough all across the economy, lending new meaning to the term "hell to pay" ...

And we wrap up this week's Cartoon Saturday with an observation on the Twitter phenomenon ...

It looks as if it's going to be a humid scorcher of a weekend, the sort that makes you want to put on a snorkel just to go outside, and to be grateful for inside chores.

Good luck with whatever the weekend has in store for you!

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo