Sunday, March 08, 2009

News From the Business World

Since I started up my Facebook site, old friends have been coming out of the woodwork - particularly people I knew back in high school. It's interesting to see what happened to them over the years, and especially good to see a few pictures, so that we won't be doing the old jaw-drop when we see each other at the 40th high school class reunion in October.

One of the folks I've gotten digitally reacquainted with is Debbie. Remembering that I won the senior class award for best sense of humor (it was a plastic outhouse...if you opened the door, the little guy inside turned and squirted you), Debbie has sent me some funny things I hadn't seen yet and which, since we all need some relief from the daily terrible economic news, I thought I'd share with you...

News from the Business World...

1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing. It's called the stock market.

2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wal-Mart Street.

3. What's the difference between a pigeon and an investment banker? The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW

4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker? A tie.

5. The problem with investment bank balance sheets is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.

6. I want to warn people from Nigeria. If you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it.

7. What worries me most about the credit crunch is that if one of my checks is returned stamped 'insufficient funds,' I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's.

New Stock Market Terms...

CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer.

Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investment banker to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Bear Market - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry.

Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E Ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

Broker - What investing has made me.

Standard & Poor -- Your life in a nutshell.

Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

Stock Split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

Financial Planner - A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks.

Cash Flow - The movement of your money as it disappears down the toilet.

Institutional Investor - Past year investor who should be now locked up in a nuthouse.

Profit - An archaic word no longer in use

Don't thank me. It's all part of trying to laugh instead of cry.

Did you turn your clocks ahead last night? If not, it's later than you think...

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.



Melissa B. said...

Chief Embezzlement Officer...good one! I might have to "lift" a couple of these for What's the Word Wednesday, if that's OK. With FULL credit, of course!

Just checking in...and reminding you about Sx3 today. Can you say Global Warming?

fiona said...

LOL i feel the makings of a High School "elective" right there!

Amanda said...

ROFL! THAT was one of your funniest posts. My favourite is BROKER.

Anonymous said...

These are funny for sure but sadly, they are true.

Cal....a culator who is good with numbers

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Some great ones there made me smile.

Mike said...

I know some people that are trying 'Value Investing' right now. It works great!

Wv - shalt - Why didn't John get this wv?

Jersey Girl said...

I'm with Amanda on the broker definition. Very funny. You just gotta laugh.

The Mistress of the Dark said...

Those first two are hilarious...true sadly but hilarious