Thursday, March 19, 2009

Understanding the Stimulus

You all know that I'm not the brightest bulb in the chandelier of economic knowledge. I admit it. I don't understand credit default swaps. I thought hedge funds were the money you set aside to pay the gardener. I thought macroeconomics had something to do with being sure you could afford to buy pasta. I don't know why someone needs to earn millions of dollars a year in bonuses, or why people will quit a perfectly good job if they don't get huge bonuses or are paid a starvation wage of a mere $500,000 per year (as people at AIG will supposedly do). I'm always looking for places to go for information that will help me make sense of the world of higher economics. Or even lower economics. And especially the concept of economic stimulus.

My old friend Ken has come to the rescue.

Here is some valuable information he sent me the other day to help me understand the concept of economic stimulus:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send directly to the taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From the taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. No, they are borrowing it from China. Your children are expected to repay the Chinese.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.

Here is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend your money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.

If you spend it on gasoline it will go to Hugo Chavez, the Arabs and Al Qaeda.

If you purchase a computer it will go to Taiwan.

If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, Chile, and Guatemala.

If you buy a car it will go to Japan and Korea.

If you purchase prescription drugs it will go to India.

If you purchase heroin it will go to the Taliban in Afghanistan.

If you give it to a charitable cause, it will go to Nigeria.

None of this will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America. You can help keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to baseball games, or spending it on prostitutes (only those who are US citizens or legally registered aliens), domestic beer, or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.

I hope this has helped. If you meet a tattooed prostitute at a yard sale or baseball game, buy her a beer. It's not only patriotic, but economically sound.

Or at least as sound as paying bonuses to idiots.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.



John said...

Thanks for the help.
I'm all for going to baseball games...but even that will allocate much of your money to the multi-million dollar contracts of players from the Dominican, Venezula, Korea, Japan, Cuba, Mexico, etc.

The Mistress of the Dark said...

I'll buy beer, since I don't like baseball. :)

bandit said...

This is funny but true. Watch beer also. Nothing says St. Louis more than Budweiser. It is now owned by In-Bev; a Belgium brewer.

When I go to a Cardinal game at Busch Stadium and drink a beer, I'm sending money to belgium.

fiona said...

I'm distressed!
What about "Happy Californian Cows", is Steak not ok?
AND Californian Wine? Is it imported? Please say no...
If steak and wine are not helping the American economy then I'm personally financing a small country...somewhere

wv - kingrave - a redneck cemetary

Leslie David said...

Actually I took most of my stimulus and donated it to the causes and political campaigns that I supported in order to ensure a Republican-free future. :)

Bilbo said...

John - ooooohhhhhh...I forgot about that!

Andrea - I'll drink one with you!

Bandit - yes, that's a bummer...but at least it's Belgium, and not France.

Fiona - enjoy your steak and wine. I do.

Leslie - no wonder I like you (aside from the fact you're beautiful and a great dancer)!

Mike said...

I actually go up early today. And am just now getting around to comments. Getting up early sucks.

And I think Fiona gave you a nice 'Californian wiiiine' and you missed it.

Wv: oveness - A teacher of young ovens.

Mike said...

I actually go up early today?


Wv: haftics - A tic on one side of your body.