Thursday, February 04, 2010

Keeping Warm the Modern Way

Well, it looks as if bitching, complaining, and doing the No Snow Dance doesn't help: the latest weather forecasts are calling for as much as two feet of snow tomorrow through Saturday...with more perhaps coming on Monday. And Agnes is supposed to fly to Germany tomorrow evening to spend two weeks visiting her parents.


If Agnes actually makes it out tomorrow, I'll still be here, trying to stay warm. I've got lots of propane in the fireplace tank, plenty of warm quilts Agnes has made over the years, plenty of food, and a well-stocked bar. The only thing I won't have is ... Agnes.

Now, I'm a healthy and reasonably well-adjusted fellow, so I'll be able to cope. Some others, though, can't. They don't have an organic bedwarmer. What do they do?

Help is on the way, courtesy of an inventor who showed off his latest invention at a convention in Las Vegas (where else?) last month.

If you're lonely and frustrated and have $7,000 to spend, Roxxxy can be yours.

Yes, friends, Roxxxy is a five-foot-seven, 120 pound ... sex robot. She talks. She makes all the right sounds when you touch her in all the right places. Underneath her warm, soft skin of hypoallergenic silicone beats the gentle, loving heart of a computer that uses voice-recognition and speech-synthesis software to whisper sweet nothings into your ear. She has five pre-programmed "personalities," from Frigid Farrah to Wild Wendy, that you can choose from based on your mood. She shudders when she has an orgasm. Her battery lasts about three hours on one charge, but you can keep her going with an electrical cord that plugs into her back.

Gives new meaning to the expression, "turning her on," eh?

The company that makes Roxxxy, TrueCompanion, claims that more than 4,000 losers men have already ordered Roxxxies, and another 20,000 or so have asked for more information about her. TrueCompanion is reported to also be developing Rocky - a male sex robot - but that's a little harder, ha, ha.

Yes, friends, if you are a dateless geek with rudimentary social skills ... if you are one of those folks whose applications to dating websites are rejected ... if you have a rough time carrying on a conversation with an actual, breathing woman, your wait is over. Roxxxy is waiting for you. Just send money.

Just don't let her get together with Rocky. You may not be able to handle the electric bills.

Have a good day. If you live in the DC-Maryland-Northern Virginia area, make sure your snow shovels are ready, your salt is laid in, and you have plenty of windshield washer fluid for your cars.

And let's hope that Agnes makes it out safely tomorrow evening.

More thoughts - possibly muffled by the snow - tomorrow.



The Mistress of the Dark said...

Will this winter ever STOP!!!

KKTSews said...

OMG, how DO you find this stuff?

Bilbo said...

Andrea - I wish I knew!

Katherine - It's a gift...

Debbie said...

If you don't get your robotic doll in time, call your local Holiday Inn. Some now offer bed warmings for Woos'! A staff member will crawl into your bed and warm the sheets prior to your crawling into bed. They promise the staff member will be wearing a head cover and will be gone before you reenter the room. that's customer service!

By the way it's sunny again in NY! :)

Debbie said...

Just a couple after you suppose your weather is caused by "all Hell freezing over" in DC? Where's the Global Warming when you need it most?

Mike said...

Roxxxy looks spookily real. I'd be afraid she would become a selfaware AI being and disconnect her off button. I mean look at her picture. She already looks pissed.

SusieQ said...

Two feet of snow coming? Now I feel sorry for you.

Can't wait till they come out with a surrogate housewife to do all the cooking and cleaning.

Leslie David said...

This only works if you are a guy dateless geek or gay. :) I hope Agnes is able to get out OK. I'll stick with my organic bed buddy, Marty the cat.

I imagine my plans for the weekend have just been hosed--wonder if the Harman Center for the Performing Arts will have a makeup date for the theatre tickets if they close?