Friday, June 25, 2010

The New Software Package

Now that we're in the computer/digital/cyber/name-your-term age, advancements seem to be defined in terms of the latest software package/update/version/etc. You almost don't know any more how we ever managed without the latest spiffy, shrink-wrapped, holographically-imprinted DVD filled with the zeroes and ones that allow us to make more mistakes, faster.

Here's the memo that introduced the latest management analysis software at a local firm (not my own, I hasten to say)...


SUBJECT: New Software Capability

TO: All Employees

This memo announces the introduction of a new management software system. We are building a data warehouse that will contain all the management data for the company’s operations. The program is called the Management Information Analysis and Storage System (MIASS).

Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show off MIASS. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the next month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MIASS.

At the present stage of program implementation, the software is not network capable; therefore, only one person can be working in MIASS at a time. This will change as MIASS expands. Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it.

Just this morning I walked into an employee’s office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MIASS. Unfortunately, some of our less technical employees are somewhat intimidated by MIASS. Just last week, when asked to input some information into the program, one of our secretaries said, “I’m a little nervous about this, because I’ve never put anything in MIASS before.” I volunteered to help her through her first time, and when we were through she admitted it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that, after using dBase and ORACLE, she was ready to kiss MIASS.

I know that there is some concern over the virus that was found in MIASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say that the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MIASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MIASS.

We planned this database to encompass all the types of information needed to manage our business, so as you begin to use it, feel free to put anything you want into MIASS. As MIASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a manager to hand a paper to an employee with the simple direction, “Here, stick this in MIASS.”

The program has already demonstrated great benefits to the company during recent OSHA and EPA audits. The inspectors were amazed at how quickly we were able to produce the historical data they requested. When they asked how the figures could be retrieved so rapidly, our Environmental Manager proudly told them, “Simple! I just pulled them out of MIASS!”



Well, no matter how MIASS looks now, it will soon be overtaken by the next spiffy management fad. It won't be long before everyone is ready to kiss MIASS goodbye.

So to speak.

Have a good day. Cartoon Saturday is coming!



John said...

Funny stuff

Bandit said...

I laughed out loud all the way through this read.

Mike said...

The next great computer database MIASS.