Sunday, January 02, 2011

Hill? What Hill? I Didn't See Any Hill!

People make lots of lists, especially around the beginning of the new year, when they are sometimes called resolutions. You know, resolutions - those things we swear faithfully to do in the new year, then promptly ignore because they were unrealistic and we were drunk when we drew up the list. Back when I was doing New Year's Resolutions, I always included things like "lose weight," "get back in shape," "get my finances in order," and "make love to Taylor Swift." Now, all these years later, I'm still pudgy, out of shape, broke, and prominently mentioned in Taylor Swift's restraining order.

So I don't make resolutions any more. But I do keep lists. Like this handy one that helps me evaluate just how far over the hill I've gotten with the relentless march of time ...

You know you're over the hill when:

1. You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.
2. You're sitting on a park bench and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
3. Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.
4. Your underwear starts creeping up on you ... and you enjoy it.
5. You tune into the easy listening station on purpose.
6. You take notes during commercials for laxatives and motorized wheelchairs.
7. When you light the candles on your birthday cake, people form circles and sing “Kumbaya.”
8. Someone compliments you on your layered look ... and you're wearing a bikini.
9. You keep repeating yourself.
10. You start recording daytime game shows ... if you can figure out how to operate the DVR.
11. At the airport, they ask to check your bags...and you're not carrying any luggage.
12. You wonder why you waited so long to take up macrame.
13. Your insurance company has started sending you their free calendar a month at a time.
14. At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
15. Your new motorized chair has more options than your car.
16. When you do the "Hokey Pokey" and put your left hip out, it stays out.
17. One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.
18. Conversations with people your own age often turn into ailment one-upmanship.
19. You keep repeating yourself.
20. It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
21. You discover the words whippersnapper, scalawag, and by-cracky creeping into your vocabulary.
22. You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.
23. You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays...”
24. You run out of breath walking down a flight of stairs.
25. You look both ways before crossing a room.
26. Your social security number only has three digits.
27. You keep repeating yourself.
28. You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
29. It takes you all night to do what you used to do all night.
30. You go to a Garden Party and you're mainly interested in the garden.
31. You find your mouth making promises your body can't keep.
32. The waiter asks how you'd like your steak ... and you say “pureed.”
33. At parties you attend, regularity is a popular conversational ice-breaker.
34. You start beating everyone else at trivia games.
35. You frequently find yourself telling people what things used to cost.
36. Your back goes out more than you do.
37. You keep repeating yourself.
38. Cafeteria food starts tasting good.
39. You refer to your $2500 stereo system as “The Hi-Fi.”
40. You attend all the RV shows that come to town.
41. You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.
42. You actually call movies "picture shows."
43. Your grandchildren don't know what stamps are.
44. Your childhood toys are now museum pieces.
45. Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion (as it happens, the last time I was in a traffic accident, the woman who ran into the back of my car was born the year I got my first driver's license).
46. The clothes you put away until they come back in style ... are back in style.
47. All of your favorite movies have been reissued in color.
48. The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.
49. You keep repeating yourself.
50. You find this list tasteless and insensitive.

Happy New Year, by cracky!

Have a good day. Watch out for that hill. More thoughts tomorrow.



Mike said...

I knew number 9 was going to show up again.... and again... and...

Wv: buste - What elderly ladies are.

allenwoodhaven said...

Here's another one: when you are grooving to the music on the weather channel, realize that you are and then that you use the word "grooving"!

Bandit said...

Between you and Mike, the geezerhood/over the hills lists have been have been popping up lately. Every one of these lists had a reference to L. Welk or the accordion. Actually, Welk had a really good big band on his show. It's not the band's fault that they were required to play to the blue haired set.

Amanda said...

Phew! Not over the hill yet...

KathyA said...

And if we actually wore a thong we wouldn't be able to see it anyway.

And wait for it....
Did you forget to mention we often repeat ourselves?

KathyA said...

And Taylor Swift??? Really, Bilbo? REALLY???

Jean-Luc Picard said...

It made me laugh, although I can identify with more than a few

Kipp said...

You have to wait for gravity to kick in at the urinal.

You start talking about how great a QB Joe Montana was to group of coworkers and they want to know what his recruiting status is on

You say "what-chu-talkn-bout Willis?" to a coworker and they respond with a curled forehead and a you are the stupidest person I have ever seen and say 'My NAME is Sarah."

You have to wait for gravity to kick in at the urinal.