There's an App for That

If you are one of the gazillions of people who own smart phones, you know that there are a lot of techno-drones out there coming up with vast numbers of applications ("apps," for short) that can be installed on those phones to allow you to do all sorts of non-phonish (I made that term up) things. Long gone are the days when you used your telephone to simply call up another person and have a conversation...now you can use your phone to send e-mail, text, surf the web, turn your home appliances on and off, program the digital recorder on your TV, and much more. If ET showed up today, he wouldn't phone home, he'd just remotely activate the mothership from his smart phone and tell it to have the coffee ready on board when it arrived to pick him up.

Many people have complained that all these electronic devices have, rather than improving our ability to communicate with each other, actually made it more difficult. Instead of the dying art of letter-writing, we have text messages written in shorthand. Instead of intimate face-t0-face conversation over a cup of coffee or a cocktail, we have whispered (or, more often, shouted) conversations over a cell phone in overly public places.

Yes, Dear Readers, your smart phone ain't necessarily your friend.

Consider this interesting article from CNN about some of the new apps that help you either to avoid human contact or - perversely enough - help you find the right thing to say if you've lost the art of conversation entirely. Here are a few of the better ones ...

iPology - don't know how to apologize for whatever it is you did (or didn't do)? There's an app for that on the iPhone! "iPology" will help you come up with just the right degree of grovel to meet your needs.

Profanity (for Android) and iSwear (for the iPhone) - when just calling someone a fatuous numbskull just won't carry the right degree of weight, but your drunken longshoreman vocabulary is coming up short, never fear - these two apps will have you cursing like a sailor in no time.

Pick-up Lines - if your love life consists of typing dialog to a large-busted avatar on a flickering screen, but you have no idea how to relate to a live, breathing woman, fear not! The "Pick-up Lines" app will have you spouting cheesy come-ons like a professional lounge lizard in moments! And the ladies haven't been forgotten, either - there's an "Anti-Pick-up Lines" app to help you shut down those pasty-faced Lotharios.

What If? (for iPhone) and Did You Know? (for Android) - okay, so you don't want to go for the goofy pick-up line ... you'd rather try to go the suave, debonair route and impress the lady with your erudition, but don't know how to start a meaningful conversation with a living being. These apps are for you - both will generate interesting observations and bon mots that will have you sounding like an international jet-setter before you know it.

Me, I'm looking for the app that will help me survive the 2012 election season by giving me new and powerful ways to respond to political robo-calls. I'm looking for an app that automatically replies to canned political flatulence and empty rhetoric with requests for specific information on specific policies. Even better would be an app that automatically generates ten votes for the opponent of any ass clown whose campaign annoys me with a robo-call.

A guy can dream, can't he?

Have a good day. You don't even need an app for it.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo