Friday, January 14, 2011


These days, if you don't like violent police dramas that involve serial killers, explosions, frantic car chases, and general mayhem and sadism, it's hard to find something truly entertaining on television. If there ever was a "good old days" on what FCC Chairman Newton Minnow once called the vast wasteland, it was The Hollywood Squares.

In its heyday, with guest stars like Paul Lynde, George Goebel, Rose Marie, and Charley Weaver, it was hysterically funny. It was spontaneous and unscripted, and yielded the sort of instant humor you don't hear much any more. You may have seen this collection of great moments from The Hollywood Squares floating around, but at the end of a difficult week, it's good for a few belly laughs at what television today could be if we'd let it ...

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

I should wear one of those stupid plastic bracelets that reads: WWPLS? - What would Paul Lynde say?

Well, it's finally Friday once again, and time to get ready for the weekend. I've been ready since, oh, Tuesday. There's dancing to be done tonight, grandchildren to be visited over the weekend, and - with luck - some relaxation to be had.

Don't call me ... I plan to be very busy doing as little as Agnes will let me get away with.

Have a good day and a great weekend. More thoughts tomorrow.



KKTSews said...

I was young and laughed but had NO IDEA of all the sexual innuendo going on!

Gilahi said...

I clearly remember seeing this one:

Q. Paul, if a man swims in the nude, does it help him swim faster?
Paul Lynde: No, but it helps him steer.

Cracked me up.

KathyA said...

I'm still laughing and it's been 10 minutes since I read these.
These are amazing and truly funny.

"Make him bark!" :)

Bandit said...

PBS is running a series called Pioneers of Television. One segment was on game shows and of course, they talked about H. Squares. The actors had a blast doing the show. That show was "must see TV."

Mike said...

"Get it in his mouth."

That one goes along with my old people jokes today.

allenwoodhaven said...

Thanks for the trip down memory lane; they were VERY funny people!!

Pep said...

Thanks, Bilbo...that brought back some hilarious memories! Enjoy not doing much this weekend...I'm there with ya! Pepper

Tracy said...

Kathy sent me over for laughs this morning; I certainly needed them so thanks. I love the Hollywood Squares and all the celebrities that were on; now THAT was humor! Not this trashy sexual foul language spews they mistake for humor!