Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Useful Definitions

It looks as if it's going to be one of those wonderful mornings: we had about an inch and a half of snow during the night, which means one thing: passengers riding the local Fairfax Connector buses can "expect delays." How this is different from the service provided on a clear, warm spring day I don't know, except that when the bus is suffering from its normal degree of delay on a clear, warm spring day, I'm not freezing my patootie off at the side of the road.

What does all this mean to you? A short post, since I need extra time to dig out my YakTrax, long underwear, and heaviest scarf. And for this post, I once again provide a thankful tip of the hat to my friend Bob, who offers these unique and useful definitions for common terms:

Traffic Light - a devilish apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.

Divorce - a postgraduate course in the School of Love.

Pioneer - an early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.

People - some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.

Self-Control
- the ability to eat only one peanut. Also, the ability to refrain from bitch-slapping morons spouting inane blather from the political and religious extremes.

Salesman - a man with the ability to convince his wife she'd look fat in mink.

Cannibal - a person who likes to see other people get stewed.

Egocentric - a person who believes he is everything you know you are.

Foreign Film - any movie shown in a Texas theater that isn't a western.

Optimist - a girl who looks at a bulge and sees a curve.

Magazine - a collection of glossy, printed pages that advertise products you don't need while telling you what's coming in the next issue.

College - the four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone and the family automobile.

Emergency Numbers - important numbers you should always keep close to your telephone, such as the police station, the fire department and restaurants that deliver.

Opera - a bizarre form of entertainment in which a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding, sings in Italian. For two long acts.

Buffet - a useful French expression that roughly translates as, "Get up and get it yourself."

Baby-Sitter - A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.

Tattoo - Permanent proof of temporary insanity (or, in the words of the Jimmy Buffet song, "a permanent reminder of a temporary feeling").

Don't thank me - it's all part of my ongoing quest to help enrich your vocabulary.

Have a good day. Stay warm. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

5 comments:

Bandit said...

Funny!

KathyA said...

These are quite entertaining!
Hope you patootie has thawed!

Mike said...

I have a Foreign Film on my kitchen counter.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Hilarious. A real Quality Post.

Gotfam said...

I think the babysitter one needs to also somehow include a little line about watching the adults tv, eating their food, and overcharging for ignoring the adults kids. ohh....and texting while the adults try to give them instructions...