Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Things That Make You Go AARRGGHH - Parking

Unlike most men, I love to go shopping - especially for groceries. This is not a bad thing since I love to cook, and it's difficult to cook without ingredients, most of which must be purchased at stores to which I have to drive.

One of the things that takes the gloss off a shopping expedition, though, is the search for a place to park. I believe the only place you can see more ass clowns than a joint session of Congress is in a shopping center parking lot on a busy day. If cars had existed in biblical times, I firmly believe dumbass parkers would have been one of the plagues God dropped on the Egyptians.

If you are one of those people who, for some reason, would like to be able to park like a moron, but aren't sure how to do it, here are a few helpful hints ...

When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing.

Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred. Even with a subcompact car, you can take up at least four spaces by putting the center of your car directly over the point where the lines of all four spaces intersect; if you have a full-sized monster, you can take up at least six spaces by aligning your car along the line separating two rows of spaces.

In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up half way and stop on the line, taking both.

As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull though and take it from him.

Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his/her car.

When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with your door as hard as you can.

When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed. Turn a few donut spins, too.

When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a friend/relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in the middle of the road. The same rules applies to picking-up and discharging passengers.

When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it.

If you have Handicap license plates, use up a regular parking spot.

If you hit the adjacent car with your door and leave a dent, wait for a car, which is painted the same color as yours, to drive down the aisle looking for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your spot like "Mr. Good Guy", and park somewhere else.

If the vehicle in front of you stops to let a pedestrian cross or another vehicle turn, pull into the lane of opposite traffic and attempt to pass him.

When exiting a shopping center into a busy road, exit through the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the nose of the car into traffic, and wait.

When driving through a parking lot with alternating one-way aisles and angled parking spots, drive the wrong way. Then when you see a parking space, take 20 minutes to do a 12-point turn to pull into it.

Always leave your shopping cart behind or tightly between parked vehicles.

Empty your ashtrays on the ground in shopping center parking lots. While you’re at it, dump out all the garbage too.

If you change an infant's diaper in a parking lot, leave the soiled diaper under the car next to you.

If you have handicap plates, always take a handicap parking spot, even if the handicapped person in your family is not with you.

When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the radio. Roll down your window, light a cigarette, and eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping bags and look at what you just bought.

When pulling into a parking spot, if there is a shopping cart in the way, lightly tap it with your bumper and send it rolling into an adjacent car. Then, when you step out, if the cart is still too close, push it down the parking lot aisle and let it go. While the cart is flying solo, turn around and walk toward the stores.

When pulling out of a shopping center, always have the front of your car sticking out in the middle of traffic.

If you are pulling out of a parking lot and you want to drive into another shopping center which is only about 100 feet to the left, quickly make the left turn, dart head-on into the opposite lane of traffic and turn into the next parking lot.

When walking back to your car in a busy shopping center, gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the next aisle and do it again.

When holiday shopping at the mall, which requires you to load your bags into the car and go back in to do more shopping, don't tell the driver who is sitting patiently watching you load your car and signaling for your spot.

If you don't have handicap plates, park in a handicap spot. You should also joke with your passengers that if anyone says anything, you'll just walk with a limp.

When there are many open parking spots close to the store, choose the one right next to the guy who parked his brand new car all the way in the back.

When exiting a parking lot and making a left turn across a multi-laned main street, pull out into the first lane of oncoming traffic and stop. Wait until the next lane is clear, pull up and stop again. Do this until you have driven across far enough to make the left turn.

Park your gargantuan SUV or maxi-van so that it occupies at least four spots that are labeled "Subcompact Cars Only."

When walking back to your car, if you notice other shoppers walking past your car to get to theirs, press the buttons on your keychain remote so that your car's alarm makes a sudden loud "BLOOP BLEEP!!" that scares the crap out of them. Even better, pop your trunk so that it suddenly yawns up at them.

If you don't see a speed limit sign in the shopping center parking lot, there isn't any!

Finally, always be sure to block traffic while you wait for a spot directly in front of the store, no matter how many other free spots there are further down the row.

Don't thank me. It's all part of the service. If you want to read one of my earlier rants about stupid moments in parking, go here.

Have a good day. Stay out of parking lots whenever possible.

More thoughts tomorrow.



Amanda said...

You must have had a lousy parking day! Made for a very funny post though :)

You need the parking force to get through all that....positive thoughts.

Bandit said...

That sums it up.

Melissa B. said...

First off, could you please have a word with my hubby? He doesn't "do" grocery stores! And about the parking janx: I think I'm one of the "close parkers," sorta like Seinfeld's "close talkers." I've got lots of nicks on the right-hand side of my car to prove it...

Chrissy said...

YES...another post containing "ass clowns"...

Mike said...

You have contradictory rules about handicap tags. But I could never remember all this stuff anyway.

But I am going to remember about the 'wait for the same color car' rule. I had never thought of that before.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Brilliant! I'll make sure these are used from now on.