Sunday, February 05, 2012

How Do You Know When It's Bad?

This is an important question, because we need guidelines that help us avoid things that will make us sick. Well, other than Congress, the GOP, and the Democratic and the Tea Parties, because we've pretty much got to swallow them whether they make us sick or not. Here are some guidelines on detecting things that have gone bad (the original list I found on Miss Cellania, as modified by yours truly) ...

General Rule of Thumb #1: Most food cannot be kept for longer than the average human lifespan.

General Rule of Thumb #2: Anything that walks out of the refrigerator under its own power is no longer likely to be edible.

General Rule of Thumb #3: If it didn't have hair on it when you put it away, but it does now, it's probably gone bad.

Eggs: When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

Dairy Products: Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yoghurt. Yoghurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway.

Mayonnaise: If the year of the use-by date starts with 19, its probably off.

Meat #1: If opening the fridge door causes stray animals from a three mile radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

Meat #2: If buzzards are circling lazily over your back yard as you get ready to put the meat on the grill, you should probably consider just a salad.

Lettuce: Lettuce is spoiled when you find a puddle of brownish goo in the place you thought you left a head of lettuce.

Canned Goods: Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a basketball should be disposed of … carefully.

Carrots: A carrot that you can tie into a knot like a shoelace is not fresh.

Wine: Should not taste like salad dressing.

Salad Dressing: Should not taste like cheap wine.

Nacho Dip: If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it's gone bad.

Rice: If individual grains are wiggling, it's no longer edible.

Don't thank me. It's all part of my plan to keep you all around and reading my blog for a long time.

And stay away from those Republicans and Democrats ... even if they don't make you throw up, they'll rot your brain.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.



eViL pOp TaRt said...

Likewise, if your grits wiggle, throw them away. Yellow grits are okay. Some are sold that way.

Mike said...

There goes everything in my fridge.