God's Satisfaction Questionnaire

From my humor collection comes this classic piece ...

God's Satisfaction Questionnaire

Please Answer All Questions

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He* asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?

__ Newspaper
__ Television
__ Word of Mouth

__ Tabloid
__ Bible
__ Torah
__ Other Book (specify): _____________

__ Divine Inspiration

__ Burning Shrubbery

__ Near Death Experience

__ Other (specify): _____________

2. Which model God did you acquire?

__ Yahweh

__ Jehova

__ Allah

__ God

__ Father, Son and Holy Ghost Triplet

__ Jesus

__ Satan

__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

__ Yes __ No

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered. Use a separate sheet of paper if necessary.

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a god? Please check all that apply.

__ Indoctrinated by Parents
__ Wanted to Piss off Parents
__ Indoctrinated by Society
__ Needed a Reason to Live
__ Needed Focus in Who to Despise
__ Need to Feel Morally Superior to Everyone Else
__ Desperate Need for Certainty
__ Imaginary Friend Grew Up
__ Hate to Think for Myself
__ Needed a Day Away from Work
__ Fear of Death
__ Wanted to Meet Girls/Boys
__ Like Organ Music
__ My shrubbery Caught Fire and Told Me to Do It

5. Have you ever worshipped a God before?

__ Yes __ No

If Yes, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.

__ Odin
__ Zeus
__ Apollo
__ Ra
__ The Great Spirit
__ The Great Pumpkin
__ The Sun
__ The Moon
__ The Bomb
__ Cthulhu
__ The Almighty Dollar
__ Left Wing Liberalism
__ Right-Wing Conservatism
__ Other: ________________

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.

__ Tarot
__ Lottery
__ Astrology
__ Television
__ Fortune Cookies
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics/Scientology
__ Palmistry
__ Self-Help Books
__ Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll
__ Biorythms
__ Tea Leaves
__ ESP
__ Chanting Mantras
__ Televangelist (specify which one)
__ Crystals
__ Human Sacrifice
__ Pyramids
__ Wandering around a desert
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Other: _______________
__ None

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?

a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

a. Disasters

Flood 1 2 3 4 5
Pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
War 1 2 3 4 5
Famine 1 2 3 4 5
Plague 1 2 3 4 5
Earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
al Qaeda (or Similar Organization) 1 2 3 4 5
Spam 1 2 3 4 5
Congress 1 2 3 4 5
Tea Party 1 2 3 4 5
Code Pink 1 2 3 4 5

b. Miracles

Rescues 1 2 3 4 5
Water Changing to Wine 1 2 3 4 5
Spontaneous Remissions 1 2 3 4 5
Talking, Flaming Shrubbery 1 2 3 4 5
Stars Hovering over Towns 1 2 3 4 5
Crying Statues 1 2 3 4 5
Cubs Winning the Series 1 2 3 4 5
Congress Actually Does Something Useful 1 2 3 4 5
Walking on Water 1 2 3 4 5
VCRs That Set Their Own Clocks 1 2 3 4 5

9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):

Thank you for your time in completing this valuable survey to help God improve his service to you.

* Please note that God is all-powerful and independent of sex or sexual orientation. The pronouns "He," "His," "Him," etc, are used solely for grammatical convenience and are not intended to specify a particular sex.

Have a good day. Give yourself a plenary indulgence for completing this survey.

More thoughts coming.

Bilbo