Thursday, November 13, 2014

Grandma's Thanksgiving Invitation

Now that I'm a (multiple) grandparent, I think more about family gatherings and the importance of trying to keep the rapidly expanding family connected. But as I learned in this clever offering from my friend Bob, other grandparents take a somewhat more ... direct ... approach to holiday gatherings than I do ...

Dear Family,

I'm not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my will is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday.

Here is the schedule:

Dinner is at 2:00.
Not 2:15 ...
Not 2:05 ...
Arrive late and you get what's left over.

Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.

Jonathan, your last new wife is an idiot. You don't arrive at someone's house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives - date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.

Now, the house rules are slightly different this year because I have decided that 47% of you don't know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I'll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.

House Rules:

1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television stays off during the meal.

2. The "no cans for kids" rule still exists. We are using 2-liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child's cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I'll be paying close attention to refills.

3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage.  Save yourself some time, honey. You've never been a good cook and you shouldn't bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.

4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.

5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That's nothing new. You being a vegetarian doesn't change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That's why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy... look at me. I've outlived almost everyone I know.

6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space*.

7. I do not like cell phones at family get-togethers. If you sit at the table and text on your phone when here, or if you decide you must talk to some one during dinner, I will take it from you and drop it into pot of cracking hot bacon grease on the stove that is there just for that purpose.

8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without pointing the camera at me.

9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids. I have nice things and I don't put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my things. I know what is here, so don’t force me to frisk and search when the party is over.

10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?

11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: "You don't need to bring anything" means "you don't need to bring anything." And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn't have to be difficult.

12. Dominos and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it's true now that you have kids.

13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.

14. In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one person from each family needs to be the designated driver and must have a valid drivers license.

15. I really mean all of the above. See Rule 11 if you're confused.

Love You,


* Rule 6 does not apply at Chez Bilbo, where we love salads.


eViL pOp TaRt said...

Wow! That's funny! Was Grandma a former Marine drill instructor?

Duckbutt said...

The football game does spoil the festivity.

Linda Kay said...

My Son in law is an A & M grad, his brother from UT. So every year we were involved in the game between these rivals. A & M has gone to SEC and UT is not, so they are no longer rivals, but A & M does have a game on Tday this guess what? They won't be here for Thanksgiving.

Chuck Bear said...

The televised football game makes it easier to deal with grumpy relatives who are thrust together for an afternoon.

Mike said...

I think Rhonda has had a little too much of Grandma over the years.

Anemone said...

My family is not that dysfunctional.