Monday, November 17, 2014

Things Nobody Says in Washington

I ran across this article - 35 Things You'll Never Hear a Washingtonian Say - on a local website. You can read all 35 for yourself, but I thought these were some of the best (along with my commentary, of course, and two I added to the list) ...

Sorry, I don’t like talking about my work.
Said nobody in Washington, ever. Especially if they're not supposed to talk about their work.

Just knowing there’s an elected official in one of those three black SUVs totally makes this motorcade worth being 20 minutes late.
DC traffic is insane at the best of times ... but VIP motorcades make it something that ought to have been one of Dante's lower circles of Hell.

I go to the museums all the time.
Real Washingtonians only go to museums when out-of-town visitors expect them to come along.

Excuse me, ma’am, would you like this seat?
I actually have, on rare occasions, seen people on buses and metro trains give up seats to the elderly and infirm ... but those occasions really have been rare.

It’s just a little snow, I’m sure the roads will be fine.
A single snowflake is enough to cause more havoc in this town than the average Congressional Teabagger. Almost.

It’s just a little snow, I’m sure we have enough food.

Awesome, no parking ticket!
Perhaps in an alternate universe ...

Let’s just walk up the Dupont Circle escalators. It will be good exercise.
The longer I live here, the more certain I am that the ever-out-of-order escalators at the Metro stations are part of a covert government plan to ensure that we all get plenty of exercise.

These traffic cameras are such a great way to help the city’s economy!
They certainly don't help with traffic safety.

Georgetown Cupcake is worth the wait.
You may recall that my granddaughter Marcy asked us to bring some cupcakes from the famous Georgetown Cupcake bakery to our family reunion last year. I can now tell you from experience that the cost-to-deliciousness ratio of those cupcakes does not justify the wait at the store.

Yes, $8 does seem like a reasonable price for carrot juice, Sweetgreen.
Yeah, right.

You have made good points, and I am now changing my opinion on this issue.
Said absolutely no one in Washington. Ever. In a million years.

And my additions to the list:

Of course, Senator/Representative X, I will be happy to work with you on developing a bipartisan, long-term plan to resolve this critical national problem.
The crackling sound you hear in the background is Hell freezing over.

I'm very sorry, sir, but it would be totally unethical for me to accept this money from your organization because it would give the appearance of undue influence on the legislative process.
The temperature in Hell is still falling.

Considering some of the fantasies I could have, the last two are probably safe ... if beyond the realm of possibility.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.



eViL pOp TaRt said...

Thanks for the different view of Washington, Bilbo. Surely those Washingtonians at least visit the zoo, does Congress serve in its stead?

The Mistress of the Dark said...

Amen to those...especially the last ones.

Linda Kay said...

Having been in Washington to visit on occasion, I can relate to the traffic. And as an attentive American I could only hope your last two comments would be right on...but I'm afraid I can also hear the cracking sound.

Grand Crapaud said...

Bipartisanism and reluctance to be bribed. Only in an alternative Beltway Universe where a Cuckoo is Vice-President.

Mike said...

Traffic is messed up in DC because there aren't many street signs to let you know where you are.

Elvis Wearing a Bra on His Head said...

An infusion of good manners and fewer motorcades will make Washington about passable.