Spam Roundup

It's time once again to explore some of the weirdly amazing things that have shown up in my e-mail in-boxes over the last few weeks ... punctuation and spelling are as in the originals ...

I seem to get a lot of e-mail from "President Trump" - the latest one is titled "How to gain wealth in 2017." I know this is spam, because there's no policy Mr Trump advocates that will result in my gaining wealth in 2017 or ever. If the GOP has its way, Social Security will be gutted and Medicare will be slashed, which will pretty much wipe out any illusory "tax cuts" I'd be eligible for (if I were rich enough to be eligible for them ... although living in a cardboard box in an alley would probably save money over my mortgage payments.

Russian brides are so 2016 ... now I'm being offered Ukrainian brides in an e-mail which offers video chats in which I can "care for the lonely women." Although I do, in fact, know several absolutely beautiful Russian and Ukrainian women, I think I'll pass on the opportunity to import any others.

From the Department of How on Earth Did They Get My Address comes an e-mail from "Miracle Bust" with the subject line, "Before and After Results: Natural Breast Enlargement."

"Matt Roberson, MD" sent me this interesting message: "This hidden muscle makes you look 10 lbs lighter." The joke's on him ... I'm over 65 - all my muscles are hidden.

"Keranique" says that I can "Regrow Thicker, Longer, Stronger, Healthier Hair." The problem is, it will probably grow in my ears and nostrils.

"Burial Insurance for Seniors" is still after my business, urging me to "Protect loved ones with burial insurance - details inside." Yes, I'm going to hurry up and click on that one right away.

Here's an interesting one: "Megan Kelly Controversy" sent me an e-mail with the subject line, "NBC Hires Megan Kelly After Controversial Drug Discovery." Hmmm ... if anyone were on drugs, I'd think it would be Kellyanne Conway, but I'm not interested in more information about either lady.

"Joel" has sent me one e-mail offering "Grandma & grandpa's 2 min ritual for rapid fatloss" and another with the subject line "Grandparents shed flab fast." I suspect they have something to do with recommending divorce attorneys.

"Cannabis Gummies" is offering me the chance to "Legally Buy Cannabis Extract in All 50 States (9072014)." I'm not sure what the "9072014" in the subject line means; it's probably the paragraph number in the US Code that lists the federal penalties for the purchase of cannabis extract.

Spam. What would we do without it?

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow, when we crown our Left-Cheek Ass Clown for March.

Bilbo

Spam Roundup

I've written several posts over the years about the sort of spam that fills up my in-box, and how it's changed over the years ... last time was in June of last year. Here are a few of the latest e-mails that have appeared in one or more of my accounts, with all capitalization and punctuation as in the original ...

"Free samples! You too can have sex longer than 5 minutes!" This one was from "Purple Rhino Trial"

"Genius Pill banned in 49 states!" I'm not sure it would have helped in the election, anyhow.

"BOOST your testosterone before you lose her!" Hell, if Agnes hasn't left me by now, "Vydox" won't be much of a game-changer.

"Effortlessly Clean Your Bathroom Without Chemicals." I'd rather just have someone else effortlessly clean my bathroom.

"Life Saving Flashlight." - I suppose the wonderful "X700 Tactical Flashlight" would come in handy when the Russians stop hacking our elections and take down the electrical grid.

"The World's Most Comfortable Anti-Snoring Product." The neighbors must be complaining again.

"Huge Savings for Toilet Paper with Free Coupons." Yes, I could use these, because Sean Spicer's White House press briefings are keeping me very regular.

"Exotic Russian Women are waiting for you Now." I guess they're setting their sights lower now that Mr Trump is being more cautious.

"I think ur fb pic is cute :)." This message was from "Kandy," who has online communications skills similar to those of our president.

And,

"Get up to $15,000 Overnight!" This one came from "Zippy Loans." Can you spell "loan shark?"

Spam. What's really scary is that there are people out there who will respond to these. Oy.

Have a good day. Don't click on the links from those Russian women. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

I Don't Think I'll Be Replying

I've written before about some of the bizarre spam that finds its way to my in-box. That was five years ago, and the situation has not improved. Here are some of the subject lines in my in-box this morning:

"Am I Your Dream Love?" - this one is from "AsianWomenOnline."

"Double Your Income in the Next 2 Weeks (Work from Home)"  - this one is an immediate reject because it uses an objectionable four-letter word - "work."

"Get the Lowest Rates on These Amazing Dental-Implants" - I get ads offering me good deals on breast implants, too.

"Miracle Bamboo Bra Wants to Hear from You!" - I literally don't know what to say about this one.

"Finally, Give Your Woman What She Wants" - I don't think they're talking about long-arm sewing machines or the latest upgrade to PhotoShop.

"Increase Your Sex Drive. Try Test X180 Ignite" - This one came from the same sender as the previous one.

"Get Erections Easily When You Want" - At my age, I thought an erection was the process the Japanese use to select their government representatives.

"Sex Like Your Friends Talk About Can Be Yours!" - My friends don't talk about sex, so I don't think an "extra strength male enhancement solution" would be worth it.

"Many Large Settlements Awarded for Failed Incontinence Surgery" - TMI.

"Adult Diapers Can Be Discrete and Comfortable" - Thanks for sharing, particularly in the context of the previous e-mail, but it's still TMI.

Well, at least today's spam crop didn't feature any of those can't-pass-it-up deals on cemetery plots or cremation services that start arriving once you hit the big six-oh.

Have a good day. Don't click. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

The Top Ten Bookstore Pickup Lines

There are a lot of reasons to enjoy reading. It's relaxing, you can learn a lot of things, and full bookshelves make your house look warm and inviting. And then there are bookstores ... one of the greatest places on earth for learning, relaxation ... and meeting people. I'd hate to think that brick-and-mortar bookstores would ever be replaced by online sales, because some of these bookstore pickup lines* are just too good to pass up ...

10. Care to come back to my place for a little Dickens?

9. When you're tired of dating speed-readers, call me.

8. You're pretty nicely stacked yourself!

7. Have you seen a copy of Tax Tips for Billionaires?

6. Who's your favorite Karamazov brother?

5. I've got a great reading light next to my bed.

4. I can bench press a whole stack of James Michener novels.

3. While you're turning those pages, mind if I lick your fingers?

2. You're hotter than Emily Dickinson in a tube top!

1. Is that an unabridged dictionary in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?

Got any others that come to mind? Leave a comment. You may meet that special someone on your next visit to Barnes and Noble ...

Have a good day. Read more.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Courtesy of David Letterman.

Odds and Ends

Time to clean out the Blog Fodder box ... or, at least, bring the backlog down a little bit ...

Amazon.com has announced that it is working on a system - available in about four or five years - to deliver packages direct to your home by drones. I like this idea. This is the future of Christmas presents for people you don't like ... instead of coal and sawdust, you can deliver a Hellfire missile from the comfort of your own home!

According to this article from NPR, a recent Associated Press poll indicates that Americans are growing more mistrustful. And why not? Politicians on all sides of any issue accuse each other of lying, identity theft is a serious problem, many charities pay their executives more than they deliver to those who need the help, and a staggering 81% of Americans think that the US government can only be trusted to do the right thing "some of the time." What are YOU lookin' at, huh?

A statuette of a bird featured in the classic 1941 detective thriller “The Maltese Falcon” sold for more than $4 million at auction last week. I hope it wasn't purchased as a gift ... that's a lot of money to give someone the bird, ha, ha.

According to this article from last May, scientists are finding more and more hopeful signs that there may be distant "exoplanets" similar to earth. This may not be the best of all possible worlds, after all ... sorry, Dr Pangloss.

And that's your selection of odds and ends from the Blog Fodder file. It is now time to head back to work, my Thanksgiving break being over. Sigh.

Have a good day in this, one of all possible worlds. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Spam Survey

There's been a good deal of discussion lately in the comments of the blogs I read about the proliferation of spam comments. Part of the discussion deals with complaints about the Captcha program that asks you to "prove you're not a robot" by typing in some bizarrely-twisted combinations of letters or mailing in a copy of a voter registration card not showing affiliation with the GOP.

I don't mind the Captcha program so much, except for the part about having to take off my glasses and squint at the screen in order to determine if I'm looking at "rn" or "m," "i" or "j," or whatever. I'm not getting any younger, and I can't afford to waste my failing eyesight on things less important than the instructions on the Maalox bottle.

But that's neither here nor there ... let's talk about spam, and why it can be interesting, if not fun.

When I checked my e-mail this morning, a few messages stood out:

The first was from "Millionaire Dates," with the subject line, "View Photos of Millionaires Near You!" Now, I ask you: why on earth would I want to look at photos of millionaires? Rush Limbaugh is a millionaire. Almost every member of Congress is a millionaire. Why would I want to look at pictures? A better spam approach might be "Get Adopted By a Millionaire!" I could get into that one, especially if the photo showed that the millionaire in question was, say, Salma Hayek ...

The other one was from "Asian Single," with the subject line, "Have a Great Date with an Asian Single." There are a few problems with this one. First, whoever sent it to me obviously doesn't understand the risks of dating an Asian single when you're already married to a German redhead. Second, I know in the cobwebby recesses of my heart that if I ever responded to such a come-on, the Asian single I'd end up dating wouldn't be Lucy Liu ...

Another prime spam message in my in-box was this one from "Jessica<3," letting me know that "Single Christians in Your Area Are Looking for You!" Well, they may be looking for me, but it's only to ask if I've been saved, if I know about the Four Spiritual Laws, or if I want to make a contribution to the First United Four-Square Church of the Sacred Redeeming Heart of the Everlasting Gospel, Halleluja. Worst case, they've given up and just want to burn me at the stake.

Orchard Bank, whoever they are, hits me with at least two messages per day flacking for their MasterCard.

And finally, a large number of spam messages are offering me great deals on large quantities of Viagra and Cialis (or V!@gr@ and C1@l!5 ... they're very inventive in finding ways to avoid spam filters). I think I'll pass, though ... I think sex machines like Rush Limbaugh need it more than I do.

Spam. A sad reality of the modern in-box. But if you need an Orchard Bank MasterCard, a date with an Asian single (or a Christian), or to stock up on your manhood enhancements, let me know and I'll forward the messages to you. I'm always happy to help.

Have a good day. And if you don't need the ten million dollars that that Dr Masawambo Ogudaala will pay you $250,000 to hold on to for him, I'll be glad to help ... just go ahead and pay his deposit first.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo