How to Tell Republicans from Democrats

If you are one of my readers outside the United States, you may have been confused from time to time by my castigation of one or the other (usually both) of our major political parties: the Republicans and the Democrats. Generally speaking, the Republicans are the conservative party, while the Democrats are their liberal opposition. This supposes, of course, that the labels liberal and conservative have any particular meaning other than adjectives to be used, dripping with scorn, in radio and television attack ads...which they don't.

So how do you tell Democrats from Republicans?

As a public service, I offer the following handy guide, which lists some of the ways you can distinguish representatives of the two parties from each other...

Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.
Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.

Republicans buy lots of guns and turn their homes into anti-government fortresses.
Democrats buy lumber and nails and join Habitat for Humanity.

Democrats give their worn out clothes to those less fortunate.
Republicans wear theirs.

Republicans absolutely refuse to compromise on anything that will violate their fundamental convictions.
Democrats go to court to appeal their convictions.

Democrats name their children after currently popular sports figures, politicians, and entertainers.
Republican children are named after their parents or grandparents, according to where the money is.

Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom any reason why they should.
Democrats ought to, but don't.

Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel that they're entitled to a little fun first.

Democrats make plans and then do something else.
Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.

Republicans are the party that will take us proudly into the 19th century.
Democrats are the party that will take us proudly into the 21st century, although we'll all be speaking Spanish.

Republicans believe "the government" is the cause of all problems, but work like hell to be in charge of it so they can spite the Democrats.
Democrats know in their hearts that "the government" can make the country better, and keep trying to get elected until they figure out how.

Republicans sleep in twin beds--some even in separate rooms.
That is why there are more Democrats.

If none of the above guidelines help you understand the difference between the two parties, don't worry...they make at least as much sense as anything their official national committees will tell you.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo