Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Everyone But the Bastard Who Designed These Lights ...

First things first ...

From the Department of With Friends Like These, Who Needs Enemies comes this story: Saudi Arabia Executes Woman Accused of "Sorcery." Yes, Dear Readers, Saudi Arabia, that shining example of peace, goodwill, and generous humanity that worships a God always described as "merciful and compassionate," not satisfied with sentencing a woman to ten lashes for the hideous crime of driving a car, has executed another woman for witchcraft.

Ah, the joys of living in a theocracy. 'Tis the season to be jolly, peace on earth and goodwill toward men, blah, blah, blah.

There's a reason the Founders decided on a separation of church and state.

But let's talk about more pleasant things as we approach Christmas ... let's talk about decorating the house.

One of the inexpressible joys of the season is decorating the house with happy, twinkling, multicolored lights. Of course, you have to do a few things before the house twinkles happily:

1. Find box with lights, which is in a remote corner of the attic underneath several other heavy boxes.

2. Remove lights from box. Discover strings of lights are compressed into an intricately-tangled ball.

3. Spend four days separating said intricately-tangled ball into individual strings of lights.

4. Discover that at least 15 lights on each string do not light.

5. Go to store, buy replacement bulbs.

6. Spend another four days replacing all bulbs which do not light.

7. Risk life and limb on a teetering ladder to hang strings of lights from inaccessible corners of house roof.

8. Plug in lights; discover that 50% of strands that worked perfectly in the house petulantly refuse to light now that they are in place.

9. Decide the house looks okay, anyhow.

10. Enjoy that spiked egg nog.

I long ago lost one of my favorite holiday cartoons: it was an overhead view of a neighborhood in which every house but one was ablaze with holiday lights and animated displays. We look down from above and behind this house, in front of which a group of people confronts a single, frowning fellow whose house has but one decoration ... a row of lights across the peak of the roof spelling out, "Ah, #%$! it." The caption of the cartoon is, "We're from the decoration committee..."

Our neighborhood is festooned with so many lights and displays that it can be seen from Neptune. Our house has minimal outside decorations, because I really don't want to risk my life on an extension ladder and I refuse to put up those tacky animated, lighted deer or an inflatable snow globe that blows plastic snow over a schlocky-looking plastic Santa. And you can't have plain old lights any more ... they have to change colors, blink in time to Christmas music, and morph to spell out seasonal messages like "Santa Stop Here," "Reindeer Landing Strip on Top of House," and "Witches Will Be Executed" (oops ... that last one was for Christmas in Saudi Arabia).

Ah, Christmas decorations! Just one more reason to love the holiday season!

Have a good day. Enjoy those lights. More thoughts tomorrow.



eViL pOp TaRt said...

I like Christmas lights! But some people go in for weird types, such as all red and yellow lights. Ugh! Makes me crave a hot dog! And the blinky lights!

There are some houses in New Orleans that have so many decorations that people go there for miles, and they need a watchman.

Duckbutt said...

This year's trend is lights to match the colors of your favorite sports team. Too bad if it's the Oakland Raiders!

Mike said...

Ah you ended with a picture of my favorite fellow.

Amanda said...

I'm ignoring the fact that you just described how hard it is to get those light up and imagining that you live in fairyland!

People don't really decorate their houses here. There will only be a few in the whole city and that is because they are entering their house in the annual competition. The rest of the people just drive around to those houses to take a look.

The Mistress of the Dark said...

We only light the one tree in our living room...this year it is a blue light special, literally!