Thursday, December 15, 2011

The Christmas Doll, and a Reminder to Vote

I have a long list of things about which to write, but I just couldn't pass up this one ... not least because it requires very little work on my part, and I'm tired this morning.

My friend Bob sent me this story. According to the introduction, it was the grand prize winner in a contest sponsored by the Louisville Sentinel in 1999 for the best family Christmas dinner story. Actually, according to, it was written by comedian Jeff ("You Might Be a Redneck If...") Foxworthy, and there is no such newspaper as the Louisville Sentinel. No matter ... it's a wonderful story. Enjoy ...

"As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

"What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

"One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

"If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go, you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

"I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

"Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.

"To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

"On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

"My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

"The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

"We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

"My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked.

"My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

"'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

"I kept my mouth shut.

"'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

"'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

"But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

"Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

"My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

"A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

"The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

"My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

"Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

"It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

"Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

"Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health..

"I can't wait until next Christmas."

You'll excuse me, of course, for not including an illustration (as I'd considered doing). You're welcome.

Tomorrow, we'll get back to other important topics, including the balloting for the Ass Clown of the Year Award. So far, the results are:

Saudi Arabia: 3

The Republican Party: 3

The Democratic Party: 2

Congress (both houses): 12

The National Rifle Association: 3

The Media: 1

Be sure to cast your votes for the dishonorees of your choice by 11:59PM on December 30th. The award will be presented here on December 31st (I know it's a Saturday, but don't worry ... Cartoon Saturday will appear as usual). Remember the ground rules for the contest:

1. Vote early.

2. Because we're using Chicago and DC voting rules, you can vote as often as you want, for any or all candidates. Your pets, deceased relatives, and imaginary friends can vote, too.

3. You are not limited to the starting list of candidates in the contest announcement - write-ins are welcome.

4. You may vote for anyone in any country.

Have a good day. Enjoy your dinner, and be sure to vote - early, often, and for the ass clowns of your choice. Your vote in the 2012 election may not count for much unless you're a major corporation or campaign donor, but at least here, your voice will be heard.

More thoughts tomorrow.



eViL pOp TaRt said...

This story wsas a hoot! It should be the adult equivalent to Jean Sheperd's A Christmas Story. Jeff Foxworthy sounds like a great source of humor, maybe even be a humor guru.

Bandit said...

Reading your post today reminds me that I need to put in a vote for this year's skank, Lindsay Lohan.

Mike said...

I vote again for Saudi Arabia.

Big Sky Heidi said...

My left one casts her vote for the Democrats, and my right one casts her vote for the Republicans.

Bilbo said...

Heidi - your votes will be a big ... uh ... alp to your chosen candidates.