Friday, December 16, 2011

Christmas Gifts

This is the time of year for making lists. Santa makes his and checks it twice, and the rest of us make our own lists of the gifts we would like to give to our family and friends. One of the traditions in our family is that, shortly after the Fourth of July, Agnes asks me for a list of things I might like to have for Christmas. I think hard, then give her a list. She loses it and asks me to give her a new list. I do so. She loses that one. We repeat this Kabuki dance several more times, until she gives up and just buys whatever she thinks I should have. Then, sometime in mid-February, she cleans out her purse, finds 87 crumpled copies of my list, and throws them all away.

It's an odd tradition, but we're comfortable with it.

But speaking of gifts ...

You may have seen this article on the CNN Money website: The 15 Worst Items to Put on Your Holiday Wish List. You can read the entire article for yourself, but here are a few of the amazing items that are available for you to give to someone you don't like very much ...

A Pre-Need Cremation Plan. Buy it now ... it's the year's hot item. If this doesn't appeal to you, consider as an alternative the Everybody Coffin Kit.

The Automated Ukelele Band Machine. It's hard to come up with something worse than rap "music," but someone has done it.

A 10-pound Bag of Assorted "4th Quality" Bones. When an ordinary jigsaw puzzle just won't do as a gift for your favorite serial killer.

A Jug of Wolf Urine. When you really want to give the gift of piss on earth.


A Rare Catholic Monstrance. It's silver under gold plating, was crafted sometime between 1895 and 1921, and is a steal at $25,000. Buy two. And why on earth is something designed to hold something that is holy called a monstrance? The word derives from the Latin monstrare, meaning "to show" ... the same root that gives us the word demonstrate. You're welcome.

If you were looking for an appropriate gift to give to your useless Congressional reprehensive, and the old standbys of coal

and sawdust

are just too ordinary, you might give these a try. And if all else fails, there's the tradition of regifting ...

Don't thank me ... it's all part of my ceaseless efforts to help you avoid some of the stress of the holidays.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.


P.S. - don't forget to keep casting your votes (and those of your pets and deceased relatives) for the Ass Clown of the Year. Balloting is heavy so far, with Congress holding a comfortable lead, the GOP in second place, the Democratic Party and Saudi Arabia tied for third, and Kim Kardashian and Lindsay Lohan as early write-ins. Vote early, vote often. The award will be presented on December 31st.



The Mistress of the Dark said...

So many ass clowns...its hard to choose. Love the regifting toon :)

Anonymous said...

Dear Santa,
My Christmas list is very short this year. May I please have your list of naughty boys, and their phone numbers?

Thanks so much,

Mike said...

Here's an addition for the Congressional caol. Some sulpher and saltpeter. And a match with a note about the beautiful Christmas display that will come next.

allenwoodhaven said...

I talked to all my imaginary friends today and their votes are as follows:
Saudi Arabia 9
Congress 12
Republicans 25
Democrats 6
Media 8
Kim Kardashian 3
Lindsay Lohan 4

Don't worry, I don't have 67 imaginary friends. Some of them voted more than once!

Sometime soon I'll ask my imaginary enemies and see what their votes are.

eViL pOp TaRt said...

I liked the regifted one -- that also explains myrrh. What is that stuff, anyway?

Three graduate students voted for Congress; but there seems to be an undercurrent for Kim Kardashian.

The Saudi mysogenists got me second vote.