With the new month comes (at least) two opportunities to highlight new paragons of ass clownery. Between wars, political buffonery, religious bigotry, and economic chicanery, ass clowns have proliferated like toadstools after a warm rain. Of course, this embarrassment of "riches" makes it difficult to single out recognition-worthy individuals or groups (or, occasionally, things), but I started this and I'll carry it through.
This time, though, I didn't have much trouble deciding on a recipient who exemplifies the very highest standards of Der Furor-era horseshittery. Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, with the traditional flatulent blare of trumpets and roll of sour farts, I give you
The Right-Cheek Ass Clown for August, 2026
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United States Attorney
for
the District of Columbia
Unusually enough for a senior position in Der Furor's regime, Jeanine Pirro is nominally well qualified for the position she holds. She is an attorney who has been elected and served as a county district attorney (in Westchester County, New York) and as a judge of the Westchester County court. These qualifications were likely of secondary interest in her selection for her current position ... more important was her time as a relatively popular conservative television personality: she hosted a weekday "reality" courtroom television show ("Judge Jeanine Pirro") on the CW Network from 2008-2011, then moved to Fox News to host the network's "Justice with Judge Jeanine" from January 2011 to January 22, 2022. She then moved to the Fox political talk show "The Five" as a co-host, where she remained until May of 2025, when Der Furor appointed her to her present position, following his tradition of selecting Fox News personalities who look good on television for senior jobs in his regime*.
Judge Pirro's award today is based on her shameful performance in filing felony vandalism charges against 67-year-old ex-Olympic canoe racer David Hearn, saying on July 2nd that "the evidence shows and we will prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Hearn willfully destroyed property at the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool," and that the evidence showed that Mr Hearn had been observed "forcefully and violently" tearing liner material from the bottom of the pool.
That was then. This is now.
Late Friday afternoon**, July 31st, Judge Pirro announced (to the great anger of Der Furor) that she was recommending dropping all charges against Mr Hearn, and that the damage to the Reflecting Pool had been caused by flawed installation by the contractor***, "with repeated failures of the lining during the installation process and extensive peeling of the lining throughout the Reflecting Pool," and a rush to complete the project before the Independence Day celebrations.
She blamed the original charge against Mr Hearn on incorrect information received from the Department of the Interior and - obviously - did not mention the involvement of Der Furor in the botched renovation work.
We shall see if Mr Hearn receives a formal apology and reimbursement of his legal fees for Judge Pirro's headlong rush to the judgement desired by her boss.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Dear Readers, the Right-Cheek Ass Clown for August, 2026, is Jeanine "She Who Folded Like an Umbrella" Pirro. I suggest you try to stay off her radar.
Have a good day, and come back tomorrow for a new edition of Cartoon Saturday. More thoughts then.
Bilbo
* In all fairness, it must be admitted that she is professionally (if not temperamentally) qualified for her position, unlike her fellow Fox News shouting head Pete Hegseth, who is busy wrecking the Department of Defense (not War).
** The usual time at which bad news is made public, so as to minimize the attention it is likely to receive.
*** Atlantic Industrial Coatings, a company suggested by Der Furor for a no-bid contract on the basis of work it had done on pools at some of his properties ... a claim he later denied.
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