Great Moments in Editing

Ah, how quickly two weeks go by when you're preoccupied with the search for the next Ass Clown awardee! But that's for next week ... this week, we turn to our latest collection of Great Moments in Editing ...

Sometimes, the real estate agent gets desperate ...

It must be one of those fringe diets ... the side effect is that after dinner, you hack up a hairball with the rest of the cat attached ...

Well, duh ...

You may have seen this one in the news a few months back. The Sheriff got his money back ...

This is the part that never gets discussed by the people who hate taxes. You're gonna pay up, one way or the other ...

I'd jump on this one if I were you ...

I think I'll wait until Monday ...

Contributing to that gender confusion you've heard so much about ...

So, which discount is it? ...

It's six of one, half a dozen of the other ...

And there you have it - the latest collection of amazing things found in print. These were done by professionals ... don't try this at home.

Have a good day. See you back here tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday.

Bilbo

The Relationship Between Alcohol Intake and Perceived Attractiveness

It's been said* that as one grows increasingly under the influence of alcohol, prospective sexual partners tend grow more attractive. Of course, being the highly desirable fellow that I am, I never had to test this theory when I was on the market, but I've heard tell of it.

It seems, though, that the reverse of this might also be true ... that a person becomes more attractive to prospective partners after imbibing a drink or two.

Yes, Dear Readers, from the Department of Amazing Scientific Studies comes this report from the February 2015 issue of the journal Alcohol and Alcoholism: "Increased Facial Attractiveness Following Moderate, but Not High Alcohol Consumption." According to the results of the study,

"Photographs of individuals who had consumed a low dose of alcohol (equivalent to 250 ml of wine at 14% alcohol by volume for a 70 kg individual) were rated as more attractive than photographs of sober individuals. This was not observed for faces of individuals who had consumed a high dose of alcohol (equivalent to 500 ml of wine at 14% alcohol by volume in a 70 kg individual). 

And the summary conclusion was,

"In addition to perceiving others as more attractive, a mildly intoxicated alcohol consumer may also be perceived as more attractive by others. This in turn may play a role in the relationship between alcohol consumption and risky sexual behaviour."

You can read more about the study (in layman's terms) in this article - The Number of Drinks After Which You'll Look Hottest. Why should moderate alcohol consumption make one look more attractive to the opposite sex? One reason, according to one of the researchers, is that

"The people who had consumed a small amount of alcohol had a slightly rosier complexion than they did in their sober and high-dose photos ... (and) rosiness is attractive because it characterizes good physical health characteristics."

Obviously, there are significant drawbacks to the use of alcohol as a way of making oneself more attractive to the opposite sex, one of which is the danger of miscalculating one's intake and looking like a drunken buffoon rather than a potentially great sexual partner. Nevertheless, for those who might need to give nature a hand in the attractiveness department, it couldn't hurt.

Not that I would know, of course.

Have a good day. Drink responsibly, unless you are trying to cope with the latest Congressional buffoonery ... in which case, stock up at the local package store, because it ain't gonna get any better any time soon.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* In many country songs, for instance.

Substition

Last week, novelist Terry Pratchett passed away. I admit that I have never read any of Mr Pratchett's works, but as a wannabe author and lover of language, I always find it sad when a writer goes to that Big Publishing House in the Sky.

In the many column inches of reporting on Mr Pratchett’s life and death, there was an item of particular interest to me that appeared in – of all places – Word Spy. It reported on a word he had coined that is especially useful nowadays: substition

Mr Pratchett built this word by taking the word “superstition” (defined as “something that is not real, even though you believe in it”) and replacing “super” with “sub” to create the opposite - “substition” … defined as “something that is real, but you don’t believe in.”

Facts, nowadays, are no longer facts as we’ve understood them for centuries ... things proven by evidence, experience, and experiment to be true. Today, they are merely what one absolutely believes to be true, evidence to the contrary be damned. Creationism, trickle-down economic theory, the "War on Christmas," and just about anything Rush Limbaugh says are examples of what some people* consider to be facts.

Substition is a great word for that concept. Use it often … you’ll have plenty of opportunities, given what passes for thought these days.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Particularly on the far right. Take off the tinfoil hats and listen up, why dontcha.

Saint Patrick's Day

Today is March 17th, best known for being the day which honors the patron saint of Ireland - Saint Patrick. It's an excuse for everyone to forget that the Irish were once the most despised immigrant group in the country while they drink green beer, wear green clothes and "Kiss Me, I'm Irish" buttons, talk with fake brogues, plaster shamrocks on every available surface, march in parades, and generally act silly.

Irish pubs across the US jack up their prices and schedule special events to generate additional business from all the Irish wannabes.

And there are, of course, appropriate cartoons ...

Enjoy St Patrick's day. If St Patrick isn't your style, there are a  number of other saints who are celebrated on March 17th ... according to Catholic Online, they are

St Jan Sarkander (he was martyred in 1620 during the Bohemian Revolt against the Hussies ... uh, Hussites);

St Paul of Cyprus (martyred for opposing the Byzantine emperor's edict against the veneration of icons ... had he been alive today, he could probably have been murdered by the so-called "Islamic State" for the same reason);

St Ambrose of Alexandria (one of the rare saints who died a natural death, he was a sponsor of the theologian Origen, who described him as a man of "excellent literary and scholarly tastes);

St Gertrude of Nivelles (patron saint of travelers, gardeners, and cats, and against rats and mental illness ... I think I'm going to order a St Gertrude's Medal to protect myself here in DC);

St Joseph of Arimathea (the man who asked Pontius Pilate for the body of Jesus, and donated the tomb in which he was buried); and,

Blessed Peter Lieou (a Chinese martyr, beatified in 1900, but not yet fully canonized a saint).

Well, saints or no saints, I hope you have a good day. If you can't be saintly, at least go easy on the green beer today, or you could end up with a red face in the back seat of a black-and-white driven by the boys in blue.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Extremeophiles

I ran across an interesting concept the other day while reading an article about the exploration of other worlds in our Solar System and beyond: extremeophiles.

An extremeophile is an organism that exists in extreme environments such as hydrothermal vents deep in the ocean, or in total darkness and cold under thousands of feet of antarctic ice. Scientists are interested in studying such creatures because their ability to live in extremes of pressure, temperature and atmosphere can tell us about the range of conditions under which life might be possible on other worlds.

This is, of course, fascinating for exobiologists and science fiction writers, but the concept of extremeophile life forms has wider applicability. It helps explain why various types of parasitic creatures not only survive, but thrive in extremes of heat and pressure such as exist in Washington, DC. These include ...

Tomcottonus Arkansasensis Dumbassisus, noted for it's inability to comprehend the long-term consequences of immediately-gratifying actions;

Hillarious Clintonis Enigmatus, which camouflages its electrical emissions to hide them from predators;

Scottwalker Unionbustis Wisconsinensis, which aggressively seeks out and destroys groups of organisms that band together for mutual advantage and protection;

O'Reilly Reportatus Deceptoris, which - although of fearsome appearance - relies on bluster and volume for self-defense, compensating for its weaknesses by generating thunderous bursts of noise when it perceives an attack upon its nest;

And,

Tedcruzius Texanibus Insanis, limited in intelligence but extremely aggressive, particularly toward organisms which developed in other environments. Able to survive in frigid environments because of its unparalleled ability to generate limitless amounts of hot air.

Some of these creatures are cultivated by breeders who feed them huge amounts of cash in expectation of being able to milk them in the future, while others exist in an untamed and uncontrolled state, feeding on the negative energy generated during the political hissy fits that have replaced principled discussion and debate.

And most extremeophiles exhibit an amazing ability to change their colors and behaviors rapidly to adjust to changes in their political environments, often suddenly jettisoning long-held beliefs and positions in order to appeal to other organisms in new environments. Only the most extreme of extremeophiles, generally belonging to the subfamily Teapartius Crazius, do not reflect this ability, being absolutely resistant to any change, no matter what changes occur in their surroundings.

There are surely a lot more extremophiles out there ... which ones did I miss? Leave a comment.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Poetry Sunday

One of the fads that I've never understood was "body art," or what we used to call in a simpler and more direct time "tattoos." I don't think a woman enhances her beauty by using her body as a canvas or by collecting piercings* that, for many girls, make them look as if they'd been assimilated by the Borg. Eventually, those colorful tattoos fade and droop and become sad memories** of times gone by.

Tattoo

by Ted Kooser

What once was meant to be a statement—

a dripping dagger held in the fist

of a shuddering heart—is now just a bruise

on a bony old shoulder, the spot

where vanity once punched him hard

and the ache lingered on. He looks like

someone you had to reckon with,

strong as a stallion, fast and ornery,

but on this chilly morning, as he walks

between the tables at a yard sale

with the sleeves of his tight black T-shirt

rolled up to show us who he was,

he is only another old man, picking up

broken tools and putting them back,

his heart gone soft and blue with stories.

Skip the tattoos and the piercings, ladies. You really don't need them, and you'll thank me someday.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* With apologies to Dethany Dendrobia, my favorite cartoon goth, and Abby Scuitto, the wonderful goth lab queen from NCIS. 

**Check out the great Jimmy Buffett song "Permanent Reminder of a Temporary Feeling" for a musical version of this idea.

Cartoon Saturday

We've finally made it almost to the halfway point of March, and can be cautiously optimistic that Spring is finally here. But while the weather may be getting better, the news certainly isn't ...

Passions continued to spin out of control in Ferguson, Missouri, where two police officers were shot in an ambush during a protest at police headquarters; the chapter of Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity at the University of Oklahoma was permanently closed after a video showed members singing racially offensive songs; Illinois GOP Congressman Aaron Schock stands accused of using taxpayer money to fund lavish trips and events, including an elegant makeover of his Capitol office suite; in the wake of the furor over Hillary Clinton's use of a private e-mail server while serving as Secretary of State, Republican Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina proudly announced that he has never sent any e-mail; and three French sports stars were among ten people killed when two helicopters collided in Argentina while filming a reality TV show.

Another heck of a week, eh? We need to move to the cartoons NOW. This week's collection of theme cartoons deals with one of my favorite topics: letters, numbers, and symbols ...

Every parent can appreciate this one ...

Watching out for the deadbeats ...

"General Math Hospital." Oy ...

The problems of grammatical villains ...

$%@! identity thieves ...

Today is Pi Day (March 14th, or 3/14), and so it only seems appropriate to have a couple of cartoons featuring our favorite irrational number* ...

and ...

This one's for my fellow (occasional) local blogger Buggie ... she'll understand ...

Halloween isn't the only season for candy ... or vegetables ...

Who knows what fears moon rocks might have? ...

 

And finally, room for only two. Thank goodness ...

Cartoons. Where would we be without them?

Well, the last few days here in NoVa have been wonderfully springlike, with sunshine and steadily warming temperatures helping to get rid of all the accumulated snow ... but now we're paying for it with a rainy weekend. Oh, well ... we needed an excuse to stay put and watch all the TV shows we've recorded on our DVR. And start spring cleaning. Sigh.

Have a good day. See you back here again tomorrow for Poetry Sunday. More thoughts then.

Bilbo

The Right-Cheek Ass Clown of the Month Award for March, 2015

The problem with selecting our Ass Clown dishonoree every two weeks is usually that it's difficult to select one "winner" from the teeming throngs of potential candidates. This week, though, our problem is not to single out one winner ... because this week there are 47 of them. Ladies and gentlemen, the Right Cheek Ass Clown Award for March, 2015 ... 

... is presented to

The 47 GOP Senators Who Signed a Letter to Iran, Deliberately Undermining the President and Undercutting Delicate Diplomatic Negotiations

There have been quite a few examples of childish and petulant behavior on the part of various members of Congress over the last few years, but they've descended to a new and utterly despicable low. When a group of Senators sets out deliberately to embarrass the President and torpedo sensitive negotiations, it goes beyond all bounds of decency, propriety, and common sense, and descends to the level of treason.

I don't use the word lightly. The Constitution* (Article III, Section 3) says: Treason against the United States, shall consist only in levying War against them, or in adhering to their Enemies, giving them Aid and Comfort. I would suggest that sending a letter to a nation that is our avowed enemy, with whom our government is engaged in very sensitive and delicate negotiations, which deliberately and maliciously undermines the President, certainly meets the criterion of giving them Aid and Comfort.

And you've got to be quite a prize-winning Ass Clown to think that's a good idea ... and even some of the right-wing bozos who signed it are having some second thoughts. And what of the Iranians to whom the letter was addressed? The supreme leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, said the letter was "a sign of a decline in political ethics and the destruction of the American establishment from within."

Here are the 47 co-winners of this month's Right-Cheek Ass Clown Award:

Richard Shelby;

Jeff Sessions;

Dan Sullivan;

John McCain;

John Boozman;

Tom Cotton (whose bright idea it was in the first place);

Cory Gardner;

Marco Rubio;

Johnny Isakson;

David Perdue;

Mike Crapo;

Jim Risch;

Mark Kirk;

Chuck Grassley;

Joni Ernst;

Pat Roberts;

Jerry Moran;

Mitch McConnell;

Rand Paul;

David Vitter;

Bill Cassidy;

Roger Wicker;

Roy Blunt;

Steve Daines;

Deb Fischer;

Ben Sasse;

Dean Heller;

Kelly Ayotte;

Richard Burr;

Thom Tillis;

John Hoeven;

Rob Portman;

Jim Inhofe;

James Lankford;

Pat Toomey;

Lindsey Graham;

Tim Scott;

John Thune;

Mike Rounds;

John Cornyn;

Ted Cruz;

Orin Hatch;

Mike Lee;

Shelley Moore Capito;

Ron Johnson;

Mike Enzi; and, 

John Barrasso

These individuals may be a disgrace to the Senate, but they're a great batch of Ass Clowns, eminently worthy of the award.

And it's somehow fitting that they are winning this award on Friday the 13th. They've certainly shown themselves to be bad luck for the nation.

Have a good day. See you back here tomorrow for Cartoon Saturday.

Bilbo

* Which all of these individuals hold sacred and inviolate, but very few actually understand.

The Arkansas Engineering Exam

I've looked over my readership list and determined, as near as I can figure, that I have no regular readers in Arkansas ... so perhaps I can get away with this one without losing any of my hard-earned followers.

Could you become a licensed engineer in Arkansas? Here's the exam ...

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a ten-pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the fastest when placed on blocks in an average front yard:
(a) A '65 Ford Fairlane
(b) A '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
(c) a '64 Pontiac GTO?

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of moonshine per hour, how many car radiators will be required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 trees per acre, and the plot is 2.3 acres in size. If the average tree diameter is 14 inches, how many Budweisers will be drunk before all the trees are cut down?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine boards on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The porch is eight feet wide and 16 feet long, with a floor of one-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15 percent. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

8. A two-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at a speed of 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that the truck will strike a vehicle with a functioning muffler?

9. A coal mine operates an NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area and employs 120 miners per shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5 percent per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?


Well, did you pass? If so, you are probably better qualified for a position on any Senate or House Committee than the incumbent.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

What Is Your State Best At?

I enjoy traveling and learning about other places and cultures, and so I was very interested to run across this article yesterday on Thrillist.com: What Every US State Is the Best At. In case you were wondering if there was anything to recommend your home turf, you can find it here ... click it to embiggen it ...

Here are a few of my observations about this map and the characterizations of a few of the states:

1. Texas has the most wind energy. I do not find this surprising, given that a monumental windbag like Ted Cruz somehow got elected to represent it in the Senate.

2. North Dakota has the biggest penises? I'd be curious to know what the basis of that assessment is, because I'm quite sure that the biggest pricks are probably found in Congress, writing treasonous letters to the government of Iran.

3. Virginia has the most vanity license plates. This is quite true. I think I must be one of two or three people in the commonwealth* who don't have one ... but only because they charge an arm and a leg for it each year in addition to the regular registration fees.

4. Pennsylvania has the most revenue from casinos? The Quaker State is where I call home, and I would have thought that casinos would be a Nevada thing.

5. West Virginia has the highest homeowner rate. Easy enough, since tarpaper shacks are very affordable.

6. Wyoming has the lowest rate of syphilis. Of course, it's the next-to-last most populous state, so I'm not sure whether the rate is a result of good sexual hygiene or of lack of opportunity.

And finally,

7. Ohio holds the distinction of having the most library visits per capita. One would think this is a measure of a well-read and well-educated population, except that they elected John Boehner to the House of Representatives. Perhaps all those library visits are from people looking for the last copy of "Congressional Leadership for Dummies."

What are your observations about your states? Leave a comment ... inquiring minds want to know.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Yes, like Pennsylvania, Kentucky, and Massachusetts, Virginia is a "commonwealth," as opposed to a "state." The difference between a "state" and a "commonwealth" is is a subject for another blog post, wealth being not all that common in many places around the country.